Welcome back to the grind, folks. There may be a few people fortunate, prepared or unemployed enough to not have to work today, but for the vast majority of us, your alarm started screeching at you like the forced laughs of a thousand arthouse movie patrons while it was still dark outside, just like mine.

I spent America’s Birthday as traditionally as I know how: giving my patronage to three different breweries, barbecuing marinated chicken and corn on the cob, downing far too much food, enjoying the rare Padres win followed by patriotic episodes of Sunny and viewing fireworks mere steps from my ziggurat with a beer in hand. It makes you think that life could be that great more often if not for the massive amounts of time dedicated to this whole “work” thing. Of course, it marks the anniversary of one of my favorite occasions (telling the Redcoats to go suck it) and not every day can be so special, but since my company decided to eliminate floating holidays this year, this is all I’ve got until Labor Day, and that’s not soon enough for anyone to get excited about quite yet.

I guess what I’m saying is I hope you all had as awesome of a 4th as I did, didn’t suffer any JPP-related injuries and that we should all tell the Lobsterbacks to go home more often.

NFL News:

• Cowboys third-year linebacker and noted paintball enthusiast Damien Wilson was arrested last night on 2 counts of “aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.”
  • The altercation took place at the annual Frisco Freedom Fest, which appears to be exactly what you would expect from an alcohol-free, family-oriented event.
  • Wilson (allegedly) intentionally backed his truck into a woman in the parking lot, and then pointed a rifle at a man on the scene
  • The NFL is aware of the incident and is “looking into the matter to understand the facts,” which is Goodell-speak for “making sure there is no video evidence before issuing a two game suspension.”
  • This is all too bad for Cowboys, as they were enjoying a mostly quiet offseason, otherwise popping up in articles arguing that Cole Beasley’s gritty $3.4 million a year salary makes him the most underpaid player on their team, compared to DAK(!)’s $0.455 million.
    • To be fair, the same “Analyst” also claims that Tom Brady is the most underpaid player on the Patriots, despite making the most by a wide margin, so there’s also that.

• It’s an otherwise slow news day, as the only other NFL related non-speculatory puff-piece or listicle to come out would be the 2017 Hall of Fame class has announced their award presenters. Of note:
  • JERRAL will have his wife, Gene Jones, present him with his award.
    • Susan Skaggs, however, will accept his “award” on the return flight to Dallas.
  • Jason Taylor will amusingly receive his award from former coach Jimmy Johnson, who is still looking for his own bust in Canton.
  • Surprisingly, LaDanian Tomlinson will not receive his award from a check-wielding Spanos, but rather from former fullback and San Diego Chargers fan favorite, Lorenzo Neal.
    • If Lo Neal lays down a full speed power-block on Goodell as LT approaches the podium, BOLTMAN may reconsider his planned summoning of a flock of Night-gaunts during the ceremony.

(Quick) MLB News:

• Earlier this week, Umpire Angel Hernandez filed a lawsuit against the League citing racial discrimination being the reason he has not been promoted to crew chief or worked more than 2 World Series in his long standing tenure.
  • The Cuban-born Hernandez may be on to something, as since 2000, all 23 of the umpires that have been promoted to a crew chief position have been White. The League also reflects a lack of minorities in positions of power throughout their front offices and even coaching (3 of the 30 Head Coaches are non-Whites).
  • Of course, the lack of a promotion could also be due to the fact that Hernandez is widely regarded as one of the worst umpires in the League.
    • So Angel, you may be right, but still, go fuck yourself.

What’s on Tonight?

• MLB
  • NY Mets @ WDC Harpers – 7:05 pm ET – ESPN
  • Zonie D-bags @ LA Doyers – 10:10 pm ET – MLBN
• TV
  • Snowfall premiere – 10:00 pm ET – FX

I hope you are all sufficiently hydrated by now and ready to take on the evening. Just remember, there’s only two more days before Friday night. We can do it – not because we want to, but because we have to!