The apartment was littered with pizza boxes, empty 2 liter bottles, and take-out containers. The recycling cooperative van had not come around this week. Maybe they were at the Brewfest? All he knew is it was an inconvenience. He would have to put everything in a bag and take it down to the local depository. It was a pain in the ass, but he knew it was for the good of the planet. Or so he told himself.
As he tidied up around the house, he started finding things he hadn’t thought about in years. Pictures of old friends. Ticket stubs from shows and movies. Old flyers from events long gone by. A knock at the door momentarily shook him out of the reverie.
He opened the door and exclaimed with a start, “Jesus Christ!”
Male Model Dude: If I had a nickel… Actually, no, that’s not my name. I’m here looking for the photographer?
Relieved, he replied, “Ah! You’re probably looking for my brother. He went back to LA. Something about pressing business. Sorry, bud.”
MMD: “Righteous, man! Alright, you have a good day.”
He said a quick “You too” as he shut the door. Why were they always dudes? Were there no good looking guys in LA? Maybe it’s because people like the lumberjack look?
He laughed to himself as he remembered the Monty Python sketch. He also thought it would be a good idea to turn the things he’d found into an art project. That would both serve to make the place look good and also give him something interesting to do in the house.
As he started planning, he heard another knock at the door. He rose from his seat and walked over.
He started to say, “Hello” when he saw her. The “llo” never exited his lips.
Hot girl: Hi! I’m Amber.
Of course she was. Did his brother schedule a photoshoot and forget to tell the models?
He somehow found the words, “Hi Amber. Nice to meet you. I’m sorry but I think you are looking for my brother. He had to go to LA, so there’s no photoshoot.”
Amber: “What photoshoot?”
He was slightly taken aback. What could a gorgeous girl be doing at his door if she WASN’T there for a shoot? He searched for his next words. “Um, are you telling me you are NOT a model?”
Amber: “Aww, you are so sweet! No silly! I’m not a model. Why would you think that?”
“Um, well, you are 1) gorgeous and 2) dressed in a white bra and panties with an ironic floppy sweatshirt. No one in the history of ever has shown up on my doorstep like that WITHOUT being here for a photoshoot.”
Amber: “What’s all this talk about photoshoots? OMG, do you shoot porn in here?!?”
“No, no, no! Not at all! My brother is a profe.. You know, never mind. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
Amber: “Sweetie, I’m just playing with you! You don’t remember me at all, do you?”
He now had no idea what was going on. Who was this girl? Did he know her? How?
Amber: “Do you remember when you were down in LA a few months back?”
Amber: “Do you remember having lunch at a burger place in downtown LA?”
The memory of the lunch was coming back but she wasn’t in it. He said, “I remember having lunch with some people, but I don’t remember meeting you there.”
Amber: “Do you remember that party later that day?”
Now the memories were flooding back. There were a shit-ton of hot girls at that party. He remembered speaking to a few, but none like her.
He suddenly realized she was still standing at the doorway. He invited her in, “I’m sorry, would you like to come in? A drink maybe?”
Amber: “About time! Yes. Make me something.”
As he set about making the drink, he scoured his mind to remember that night. His brother had taken him to a model party. Crazy shit had gone on there, but he had not taken part in any of it. He was an outsider and felt like an outsider. He did remember talking to some brunette the whole time and laughing with her and making fun of everyone, but that was it. He had gone home alone.
He finished the expertly mixed Negroni and handed it to her.
Amber: “Thank you, darling. A toast: To meeting again!”
They clinked glasses. Again? How and or when did he meet her? He finally found the courage to admit he had no idea who she was.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t remember meeting a hot blonde like you at the party.”
Amber: “I think I see the problem! Here, let me help you.”
She took off her white panties to reveal an expertly trimmed patch of pubic hair. Dark brown pubic hair.
“Wait a second! Are you a Chargers fan?!?”
Amber (laughing): “Good God, no! I’m not insane!”
She took off her bra.
Amber: “Do you have any idea who I am now, sugarbear?”
Sugarbear! Who had called him that? All of a sudden, everything became clear. The brunette at the party!
He exclaimed, “Honeytits?!?!”
Amber: “About fucking time. And speaking of, where is your bedroom?”
A big smile came over his face. He suavely said, “Right this way. Allow me to take your drink for you.”
Amber: “What a gentleman. Well, are you surprised to see me?”
He smiled, “Ha ha! That’s a good one.”
She stuck a finger in Unsurprised’s ass and closed the door.