So, my wife is away on a business trip this weekend.

Normally, in the past this would have meant hitting the town with the boys & kicking up a fuss, then crawling out of the cab about 2:00AM & seeing what kind of mess the dogs made.

But the sad part about approaching 50 is that the boys don’t want to tear it up like they used to, and the things they want to do don’t roll with the new sensibilities. We’re too old for “the club”, and none of us know any cougar bars because we’re all (reasonably) happily married. Some will want to go hit the strip club, but of the three available one is too high end (Brandis), one is being used (the No.5) (again) for “Deadpool 2” scenes, and the last time I was in the third place (the Penthouse), one of my former students was up on stage, so I had to leave until she was done. Plus, one or two fellows will have a curfew, either self- or wife-imposed, meaning guys drinking (& complaining about) $5 Cokes while staring at their watches.

Plus, it’s the start of the goddamned fireworks festival, which means a half-million people are going to stream into downtown and I gotta make sure the puppy doesn’t piss all over the floor. (BTW, have fun living in the West End, Wakezilla!)

As such, I have chosen the boring way out, and will sell beer at the stadium, retreat to my home, and mix JD into a 40 oz. Coke Slurpee and watch all three “Lord of the Rings” movies again, because I fucking can. Or, time permitting, I will walk the dogs down to the local bar & catch the end of the Jones-Cormier fight.

Tonight’s sports:

• CFL:
  • Argonauts vs. Roughriders – 6:30 PM | TSN
  • Tiger-Cats vs. Stampeders – 9:30 PM | TSN
•  Futbol:
  • International Champions Cup Soccer:
    • Real Madrid vs. FC Barcelona – 8:00 PM | ESPN / ESPN2
  • MLS:
    • Whitecaps at FC Dallas – 8:00 PM | TSN2
    • Sounders at Galaxy – 10:00 PM | ESPN / ESPN2
• UFC:
  • Prelims: Cormier vs. Jones 2 – 8:00 PM | FXX / TSN5
• MLB:
  • Reds at Marlins – 7:00 PM | FS1
  • Royals at Red Sox – 7:00 PM | Sportsnet

I REGRET NOTHING!