Above: Your author, 5 p.m. Wednesday. Three hours after finding out he missed his deadline.

There’s a good reason I’m late with this. A very good reason I’m putting a quarter-ass effort into this half-ass preview. Much like the team I’m writing about, I forgot to care. I need to be honest with you internet ladies and gentlemen. I’ve paid little attention to the footed ball sprots team of Green Bay since last season ended. Why bother, honestly? Very little, if anything, has truly changed. Even the jokes, which are nearly old enough for Drivers Ed ffs.

The team has been the football equivalent of Taco Bell for years. It all sounds good ahead of time (preseason prognostications), the time comes and it’s tasty for a little bit, but then you realize it’s all the same meats, cheeses, beans, employee fluids, etc., just arranged differently. And in the end it comes out the same; Quickly, earlier than anticipated, and with a fiery tinge of sadness and regret.

“Oh Boo-Hoo-Fuck You Shogun,” I hear you say. I get it. Hell I agree with you. That’s the problem. I blame John Fox. Why not. His proximity to this town has infected Lake Michigan and this town with his Denver-era mentality. “Isn’t winning the division enough?” This complacency seems to be status quo now. What evidence would sway me that this year could somehow be different? *Looks at the division* …yeah. Not a whole lot. Sorry my fellow division kommentists, but you know this is up to Green Bay to lose. They’re capable, have no doubt! I guarantee they’ll even give false hope at some point. But in the end…

So there you go. Another traveshamockery of a season, letting the talent slowly die on the vine. We’re not quite at Luck-ian levels of waste on an individual level, but if you took the team as a whole, even Bacchus would would tell Caligula to slow up or show up. There. Done. meh.

/is nowhere near decent kontent levels

//fuck.

Ok fine. Tell you what, I will wander downtown amongst the populace and ask around. Much like my muse above, while I do care, I still deeply hate people, especially in public settings. So please realize this goes against every fiber of my meager hateful being. Imma use voice transcription, and I’m lazy, so whatever pops up here you figure it out. Warning over.

Wednesday Evening Farmer’s Market. Shogun finds a local resident leaving a beer stand. (What? Your farmer’s markets DON’T have multiple beer stands? Weirdos.) He is double-fisting some of Titletown Brewing’s offerings.

“Hi. Mind if I ask you some questions?”

“Aay. At da time he seemed like a good ID-er. Now, not so much. I ain’t no not-see.”

“No no, it’s about the Packers.”

“Oh! Well geez cripes. Sure den! Whatcha got?”

“If I go through the positions, can you give me your take?”

“Ah no problem. Les do dis.”

QB

Rodgers duh. Is all about him. Long as he’s around, we got it. Hunley (Hundley) and Callahan look ok I spose too but let’s not go thinking that way.

RB

I was sad to see Lacy go, but hey I guess the china food is better in seattle. Herd he loss some wait too. Good on em. But hey, Ted went out and got some young bucks dis year! Ain’t this namby-pamby bald snowtire retread committee business they did last year. Doe you gotta mitt having Mongomery (Montgomery) back there as the one is good.  

WR

Jordy, Caab, an Adams. If dose first two stay healthy and Adams finally learns how his hands work, is a dangerous crew. Add in da udder ones for some surprises and hey, look out below cuz the attacks are coming from the sky.

OL

I’m hoping Beluga (Bulaga), da persian power Daktari (Bakhtiari) and da rest can keep 12 upright and mebbe not hafta scramble so much. If day wanted could go over by and get my cousin ta fill in if they needed. He’s like 6’7” bout tree-fiddy. Played for the state champs (that’s the Kimberly Papermakers don’tcha know?)!

Defense

Ah cripes sake. Who the hell nose? Is the big question on da whole thing. I mean, udder den Clay and Daniels near the line, who else we got dat you know? I seen more oomph from my grampa’s band’s mosh pit at Polka Days. The second dairy is suspect but more stable den lass year. But Ha-Ha is dare, and House came back so that’s worth about a buck-eighty tip on a hunner dollar bill. Telling you, dis is Ted’s whaddya call it…Moby Dickens! He’s got the offense figgered, but danged if he can rub two nickels to get a dime back. Speaking a dat, Capers. His butts gotta be over a flame in a ice shanty. Telling ya, fur being a guru he’s sure looking like my friend’s brudder that got kicked in the head by a dead twitching 30-point buck (non-natives should click for a slice o’ life) last deer season. Drools about the same with about as much sense. Any whose.

Special Teams

Eh. Crosby. What else we got? Either he doose or he don’t. New punter holder guy, so crosby’s got a nice excuse to cry about. Laces out or some shit. You watch. Anything else?

“No I think that about covers it! Thanks!”

“Cool. No problem. *Walks over to two Mastiffs sitting tied to a lamppost. He unties them, leaving the ropes behind.* Lambeau! Lombardi! Less go home.” *The family heads home, the unnamed dad feeding the kids fried cheese curds.*

…of course that’s their names. What else would they be.

There you go. Take that as you will. For the record, Lady Shogun says they will in fact go to the Super Bowl and probably win. Not because she’s a fan (she is). But because:

1) Her company is a major team sponsor.

2) The Superb Owl is in Minnesota where…

3) Said company has a large-ish footprint,

4) A rival sponsors Birdmurderdome and,

5) Deities are fickle funny fucks.  

Now I’m done. Enjoy your day! If not, it’s not my fault, and remember…