ALL RISE! The DFO Mailbag of Law and Fantasy Football is Now In Session (please see the disclaimer at the bottom of the page).

The premise of this column is that I am a lawyer who excels at playing fantasy football.  Please write to me to ask me your most insane legal questions.  Every “what if” scenario that you can think of, every insane legal theory that you read on reddit, send them to me. I will try my best to provide you with an accurate and amusing answer and make a dick joke or two while I’m at it.   I’ll also answer your fantasy football questions and possibly reveal the secrets that got led me all the way to being runner up in my league in 2015.  All you have to do is ask the right questions.

Here’s an example of a question I got a while back that inspired me to start writing this thing.

Can I sue Trump/Paul Ryan/Mitch McConnell if Obamacare is repealed and I lose my insurance?

You can sue someone for anything.  That’s your right.  Whether you’ll be successful in this suit is a different story.  In order to successfully sue someone, you have to at a minimum have what’s called “standing.”  What that means is that you must make a showing of three things: (1) that the Plaintiff suffered an injury; and that (2) the Plaintiff’s injury is fairly traceable to the Defendant’s conduct; and (3) that the Court is capable of providing redress.  In this question, your problem is with the third prong: a court is not capable of providing redress for lawful actions.   If Trump et. al. get their acts together and repeal Obamacare via a lawful process where  a bill is written and passed by majorities in both houses and then signed by the President, that’s a lawful act.  While it may be a dick move to deny millions of Americans access to somewhat affordable coverage, going about doing so by the legislative process is not the kind of injury that courts are capable of redressing.  Also, the Congress and the President are generally immune from any civil suit for acs that are undertaken in their role as government officials.

You see how interesting that is?  Send me some more!

Does the Brady 2d Cir. opinion bar a court remedy in favor of Zeke?

I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a bar, but it’s a fairly substantial hurdle.  The Second Circuit’s ruling last year upheld the Commissioner’s ability to punish players for “conduct detrimental to the league.”  That’s a fairly vague standard, which means that the Ginger Hammer’s authority to suspend players is nearly unquestionable.  As the Court wrote, it’s role in the Brady trial was limited to ” determining whether the arbitration proceedings and award met the minimum legal standards established by the Labor Management Relations Act, 29 U.S.C. § 141 et seq. (the “LMRA”). ”  In doing so, the Court needed to determine whether the arbitrator  was “even arguably construing or applying the contract and acting within the scope of his authority and did not ignore the plain language of the contract.”  What that means is that as long as it’s in the contract and the contract doesn’t violate labor laws, the punishment stands.   Even though I felt that Rog’s punishment of Tawmy was outlandish, the players only have themselves and their union to blame.  They went though the process of negotiating specific punishments for specific offenses and then allowed the league to write in a standard whereby the Commissioner can suspend any player at any time for pretty much anything he sees fit.  If you’re having trouble understanding, here’s a visual representation of what the NFLPA did to itself:

AJ Green: first rounder?

Sure.  I’d take him late first, early second.  Everyone says that the Bengals will improve this year and AJ is ridiculously good.  You can’t really go wrong with him.

Legal: Outside of the realm of costly litigation, what is the actual practical requirement of local governments to enforce their building codes? That is to say, is it like a speeding ticket where they can waive it off at the enforcer’s discretion or do they owe some kind of commitment to the rule of the law? For example, if there are requirements that a ceiling truss manufacturer must meet and they do not, can the city say, “well, the owner is alright with the truss manufacturer not meeting the building code so we’ll just defer to the owner.”? Or are there instances where even municipalities tell their employees that, “I don’t give a damn what Mr Trump is ok with, that affordable housing  cannot proceed without fire exits!”?

I take a sort of perverse pleasure in watching for when people realize exactly how our government is designed to not give a fuck about you.  It usually goes something like this:]

There are two types of acts undertaken by municipal governments: discretionary and ministerial.  Discretionary acts are things that municipal governments are not required to do, but undertake nonetheless.   Ministerial acts are things that municipal governments are required to do by law.  What is considered discretionary and what is considered ministerial varies from state to state, but some examples of discretionary acts are things like taxation, hiring municipal employees, drafting local laws, etc.  In some states, maintaining a functioning sewage system is considered discretionary; in others, it is considered ministerial.  The main difference between the two is the imposition of a duty to perform:  there is no duty to perform discretionary acts, while there is a duty to perform ministerial acts.  Take for example, our old pal, Kim Davis, who refused to give out any marriage licenses after the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage.  Because of the ruling, she had a duty to determine whether the application for marriage license in front of her met the legal requirements for marriage and if they did, to issue a marriage license.  Because her task was ministerial in nature, her failure to do so made her city liable for her conduct.  On the other hand, municipal governments are not liable for discretionary acts.  In many states, including my home state of New York, enforcement of building codes are considered discretionary, which means that the municipality has no obligation to enforce its own laws and cannot be successfully sued for failing to do so.  If your building truss fails, you can’t recover from the city just because they issued a permit.  You must go after the manufacturer and/or builder.

Football: Jamal Charles in DEN. Expectations?

Low risk, high reward. CJ Anderson seems to be the man in Denver, but he’s never really had strong hold on the position.  I’d take Charles as a late round flyer and stash him for a few weeks to see what happens.

Football only: I generally draft a top-tier quarterback early because thanks to evolving NFL rules they are much less likely to get hurt and require replacement. What do you think? (please support your answer with statistical analysis that I am not willing to do personally).

Anybody can get injured at any time.  I assume that by top tier quarterbacks you mean Brady? Cam?  Rodgers? As I’ve said before, I don’t think that it’s worth it to draft a top tier quarterback early.  I wouldn’t want Kirk Cousins as my team’s quarterback, but for my fantasy team?  Hell yes.

Fantasy: I have a (somewhat) unfounded disposition to try and avoid fantasy players who recently signed a large long term contract, as I feel most play their best when trying to reach for the big bucks. Do you think there is any actual fantasy basis to this? Is taking a late round flyer on Stafford even worse of a decision than it seemed before?

I personally try to pick players who are in their walk year, which is why I drafted Javis Landry last night even though he may contract the whooping cough from his quarterback.  It’s not universal, but skill players tend to have big years when they’re looking for more money.

That’s all for this week.   Keep sending me questions either in the comments, on Twitter dot com or at [email protected].  Good luck with your drafts!

This column is for entertainment purposes only. This is general information and not formal legal advice or legal representation.  If you need any of that, you need to go see an attorney in real life.  Legal problems are often serious and fact-specific; this is a dick joke blog.  The advice given in this column is non-binding and nothing contained herein shall constitute an attorney-client relationship.