The scene: The secret base on the Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically one of the hallways in said base, where Jerry and BFC are wandering around.

Jerry: This place is yuuuge! This is bigger than that resort we stayed at in Veracruz.

BFC: Uh…yeah. That was a prison, not a resort, remember?

Jerry: It was?

BFC: Yeah. We got thrown in there after you mistook the governor’s private car for a cab and then lost your lunch all over his wife. And his mistress.

Jerry: Oh, right! I think I had food poisoning. The last thing I remember was eating an enchilada from that street-side vendor.

BFC: You washed that enchilada down with a six-pack of Dos Equis, and followed that up with a bottle of mezcal.

Jerry: Hmm. Yeah, I don’t remember that. Just blacked right out after that enchilada. Speaking of which, where is the cafeteria? I’m starving!

BFC: I have no clue. I think that ninja we asked gave us some bad directions.

Jerry: Weird. Ninjas are usually pretty accurate. Remember those ninjas we met in Kyoto?

BFC: “Met” is kind of a passive descriptor. They were actually chasing us through the streets and trying to kill us.

Jerry: Sure, but they were pretty accurate! I’ve still got that big scar on my butt from that shuriken.

BFC: Don’t remind me. I’m the one who had to pull it out. I still have nightmares about it. And I don’t think they were aiming for your butt…

Jerry (opening a door in the hallway): Hey, maybe the cafeteria is through…

Jerry slams the door shut.

BFC: Was that the cafeteria?

Jerry: Nope! Not even close!

BFC: Well, was there anyone in there? Maybe we could ask them directions.

Jerry: They looked busy.

BFC (reaching for the door): Look, I’ll just ask real quick and…

The door explodes outwards as giant tentacles break through it. BFC and Jerry dive to the floor. A tentacle wraps around BFC’s foot and picks him up. Jerry responds by grabbing a piece of the broken door and beating on the tentacle.

BFC (upside down): AAAAAHHH!!!

Jerry (thwacking the tentacle): Let him go!

Through the doorway is the laboratory containing the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal. The portal itself is currently glowing brightly, the tentacles emerging from it. Ballsofsteelandfury is wrapped up in a tentacle. Another one made the mistake of trying to grab Covalent Blonde, and she’s slamming it against the floor. Doktor Zymm is madly trying to reprogram the D.E.R.P. as Steve the Ninja protects her with his cool ninja weapons.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Aggh! Someone throw me a weapon!

Steve the Ninja grabs the closest thing he can find, a red stapler. He tosses it to Ballsofsteelandfury, who catches it and begins madly stapling the tentacle he’s wrapped up in.

Doktor Zymm: Hold on just a few more zeconds…

Ballsofsteelandfury (stapling): Easy for you to say! You’re not the one on the wrong end of some Captain Nemo fanfic!

Covalent Blonde beats the crap out of her tentacle and kicks it back through the portal.

Covalent Blonde: Ha! Not so tough now, are you?

Ballsofsteelandfury (still stapling): CB, you’re taunting a tentacle monster!

Covalent Blonde grabs a paper cutter and yanks the bladed handle off.

Covalent Blonde (brandishing her makeshift weapon): I’m not taunting it, I’m kicking its ass!

Covalent Blonde uses the blade to hack away at the tentacle holding Ballsofsteelandfury, spraying blackish ichor everywhere. A massive roar of pain and rage reverberates from the portal.

Ballsofsteelandfury (as the tentacle frantically shakes him): Y-y-you’re r-really p-p-pissing it off!!!

Doktor Zymm (punching a button on the console): Zere! Zuccess!

The portal starts to close, forcing the tentacles to retract into it. Covalent Blonde hacks through the tentacle holding Ballsofsteelandfury a split second before it retreats into the portal, and more black ichor sprays everywhere. The tentacle flops around and Ballsofsteelandfury slips out of it.

Ballsofsteelandfury (dripping ichor): Gross!

Covalent Blonde: I could’ve just let it keep you.

Both turn as the last tentacle comes trailing through the room and towards the closing portal, dragging along BFC who is desperately clinging to Jerry.

BFC: Aggh! Don’t let go!

Jerry: Someone give me a hand here…!

Covalent Blonde moves toward the pair, but suddenly a furry figure vaults into the room. It’s Moosemas Gorilla, of course, who grabs BFC in one paw and Jerry in the other, yanking them back as the tentacle slips back into the void as the portal closes.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

BFC: Wow…

Jerry: Hey, thanks…um…Mr. Ape…?

Moosemas Gorilla (dropping them both): Ook-ook.

Doktor Zymm (in frustration): Zis ist just not vorking out. I don’t zink ze dimensional regulator is vorking like it should… Vait a minute! I have an idea!

Ballsofsteelandfury (wiping off black ichor): What is it, Dok?

Doktor Zymm (running from the room): My N.I.P.S.!

Doktor Zymm rushes out of the room. Everyone stares at the damaged doorway, then all of the guys turn to look at Covalent Blonde.

Covalent Blonde (defensive): What?

Ballsofsteelandfury: We were just wondering…

Jerry: Is that some sort of… chick thing?

Jerry never even sees the snap kick coming. No one does, really. They just hear it, and then suddenly he’s splayed out on the floor, unconscious.

Covalent Blonde: Any other stupid questions?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (raising his hand): Like, why does Superman wear his red underwear on the outside, man?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Right? And what’s with Robin and those bare legs? I mean, one of their foes is named Mr. Freeze, and there’s Robin, dressed up for a day at the beach.

BFC: Speaking of beaches, what is up with Aquaman wearing orange and green? Maybe he should be called Color Blind Man.

Steve the Ninja: Wonder Woman was cool, though.

BFC: Oh, totally. I mean, sure, she was basically wearing patriotic lingerie, so…

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting a finger gun): And how about that lasso? I’m thinkin’ she had some really interesting dates…

BFC: Batman carried one, too. D’you think they ever…?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, fer shure, man! Like, he had Bat-handcuffs too, dude. Batman was totally into kink. Plus he’s, like, a bazillionaire, man. Total chick-magnet.

Covalent Blonde: Wonder Woman’s a princess! She doesn’t care about how much money Batman has.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Ballsofsteelandfury: OK, maybe you’re right. But Batman also has that whole “bad boy” vibe. You can’t tell me that Wonder Woman didn’t dig that.

BFC: Hey, didn’t she come from an all-girl island or something?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man, Paradise Island was all, like, “No boys allowed, dude!” It was all just chicks. Hot chicks, man. In togas or something.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Huh. That’s right. So maybe it wasn’t Batman Wonder Woman was into.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

BFC: I mean…Batgirl carried a lasso too. Plus she had that cool bike.

Steve the Ninja: And that form-fitting purple costume…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Oh, man, I remember that costume!

BFC: We all remember that costume…

Covalent Blonde shakes her head in disgust as Doktor Zymm comes back in, casually stepping over the prone form of Jerry. She’s carrying a fancy helmet with various wires attached to it.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I found my Neural Impulse Projection System… Vas? Vat did I miss?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Ah, nothing really. Say, Dok…who’s you favorite superhero?

Doktor Zymm: Hmm, zat ist a toughie. I vould have to zay…Reed Richards.

BFC: Mr. Fantastic? How come?

Covalent Blonde: Duh! He’s the smart one, guys. Remember how he could make all those cool gadgets?

Doktor Zymm: Vell…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Oh, yeah! I guess he would be like a nerd dream-come-true, right?

Doktor Zymm: Not exactly. You zee, he could also ztretch his body parts, so I’m zinking he had a really, really, really big…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

BFC (picking up Jerry): Aw, cripes… Now that’s all I’m gonna be able to think of all day!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, like, this whole conversation took a wrong turn, man!

Ballsofsteelandfury: I need a drink now…

The male DFOers and Steve the Ninja exit the lab. Covalent Blonde high-fives Doktor Zymm.

Covalent Blonde: Nice goin’, Dok!

Doktor Zymm: Zey really make it too easy zometimes.

To be continued…