I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
Local news is reaching new lows… “Chicagoans in Florida faced with tough decisions”, “Local Bars Boycotting the NFL, How does tonight’s Big Kickoff Impact Business?”
I guess they got tired of just saying how many people got shot this week
“Can we just shoot the hurricane?”
Gotta love all these crime shows making it a point to highlight the atrocious haircuts of the early-mid 90s.
Law and Order: We Ran Out Of Ideas
Those Menendez brothers had a more wicked shot than the Sedin twins.
That KC rook rb that I overpaid for in the auction league? Thanks buddy.
I do enjoy Gillette going more silent than a Trump rally in Oakland.
That is the best mental picture in EVAR
punches self in the dick for benching KHunt
“Punches KHunt, sounds good to me.”
-Rapeis
Competent play calling and clock-management from Andy at the end of a half? A flag against the Patriots? Is this is a parallel universe? Maybe Drumpf isn’t President!
Pretty sure all this shit is happening because he is. Just like the Cubs World Series.
Kareem Caroms Into End Zone
Alex Smith better never become black and takes a knee because good lord he cannot depend on his decision making as a QB to keep his job.
Also, I am behind on the stream…
THOSE GAY HILLARY VOTING FROGS CANT THROW THE BALL AS FAR AS ALEX “SMITH” JONES!
The Verrit Ferret validates this post.
Penalty new england… da faq?
not-Abdul JabaarDOWN!!
ANOTHER ASS CIRCLE
Nice play, KHunt!
I predict two delayed draws up the middle…from QB Travis Kelce to RB Alex Smith.
Wait. Did Andy Reid save his timeouts for this?
WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!
He’s going to call them during the Pats drive, so as to conserve time for Brady.
“It’s perfect coverage by Butler with the exception of that blatant pass interference”
“Give Alex Smith credit”
No.
Pass from the 1, for -3
BETTER
Make me NBC
Eh, makes more sense than giving Warren Sapp credit.
P.I…against the Pats?
Ooooh, is this a sneak preview of tomorrow episode?
Roger Goodell threw that flag himself.
It’s not clean either.
Somehow that will be OPI.
Seriously, who took over clock-management duties from Andy?
a hypnotoad??
3rd and 5 for the Chiefs, so I’m thinking RB plunge up the gut here.
Will Tyreek ever become Tytheon?
Chiefs drafted Tyreek mostly hoping he’d turn into Tytheon.
Jinx
fuck
Tyreek, Tyreek it rhymes with… checkdown?
All things considered, I can’t believe the P*ts don’t have “Seven Nation Army” as a regular thing. I mean, the most insufferable song for the most insufferable fans? You’d think it’s a match in heaven!
Nah, the Ravens already pretty much staked their claim on that stupid shit. It’s much more appropriate for New England’s rallying cry to be as simple as a one note fog horn. Fan-Intelligence-Level-Appropriate.
I find it funny how there’s a Tyreek, but it’s the quarterback’s arm that stinks like shit.
And I didn’t even know Tyreek wasn’t Hand of the King anymore
Long, lean, and fast: Midnight at Cris Collinsworth’s house.
Less than a minute, and Andy Reid still has all his timeouts? Who replaced him with a pod person?
How does KC have all of its timeouts right now?
My guess is they told Andy the TV timeouts were his real ones.
I miss Revis Island being a thing.
Asomughwa Archipaeligo was better smh
Yeah…also Revis caring or making an effort during plays, if that ever was a thing post 2011 or so.
Toyota Halftime with Dak & The Dunge. That sounds like a really bad buddy show from the ’70s.
I was awesome at drafting my FF team, cause I can go DAKDAKDAK and RAMMIT all damn day
If I see this goddamn Verizon commercial one more time I’m gonna go change my onboarding preferences for my new free corporate phone from Verizon to AT&T! #notcheckingmyprivilegeatall
I just stick mine in my ass and put it on the “Zig-zag” vibration for 10 minutes.
That’s an anti-Verizon commercial, right?
Honest question…how does one determine if Alex Smith is concussed?
He says “Fuck it, I’m throwing it deep.”
What the fuck is it about teams playing New England and purposely calling slow developing running plays on X and long, especially when it’s near your own fucking goal line?
What’s with the players having X’s or crosses in their eyeblack now? Are they all straight edge or satanists?
Latter much MOAR likely
Uh-oh. Entire bottle of wine gone before halftime. Tomorrow will not be fun.
Be honest, would it have been anyway?
Is it ever?
/is hopelessly depressed
Stop stealing my bit!
Army vet?
Every day a holiday and every meal a feast!
Megyn Kelly join DSA
I bet for her first show Megyn Kelly interviews and legitimizes white supremacists.
I like how she’s been a big bust for NBC. Turns out her audience is nothing but 60+ year old men trying to get erections looking at her.
So she should’ve been picked up by CBS!
King Kong looks like he wants to fuck that car
Pizza Hut is not giving me 50% off what I really want. All they’re giving me is 50% off shitty pizza.
It’s like Flowers for Algernon, except Algernon gets to coach a team for 7 years after the brain tonic has worn off.
Fucking Buddy.
/Not the first time that’s been said
I’ll say, Cate Blanchett is gorgeous, but I’ve never really been into it until these Thor previews. That goth look is really doing it for me.
Remember kids, the NFL Network gave the coaching advantage in this game to Andy Reid
Isn’t there a penalty for trying to return a kick after calling for a fair catch? I mean, it’s a dumb penalty (just blow the play dead) but I could have sworn there is one.
There is. I believe it’s 15 yards and the sacrifice of a comely virgin to Bleergh.
Left footed punter, no can defense
So far my favorite subtitle has been “(overlapping chatter)”
I’M LEARNING QUECHA!
Hey, Texas, maybe stop electing governors who are climate change deniers!
Just a thought, thx.
State can’t elect an idiot to govern if climate change wipes out the entire state first!
See also: Florida.