I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, AL? He was as close to the center of the tackle box as possible!
I think I finally understand why Andy Reid drafted Tyreek Hill. Reid can’t manage the clock, and Hill doesn’t do time.
Tyreek runs fast. According to special relativity, that slows down time. No need for time outs!
SCIENCE!
Gronk didn’t overpower….he just fell on Berry
Maybe they slowed down because their QB is fucking 40, Cris…
Tyreek, Litres bench in my money league. I love this game.
Alex Smith turned into Rex Grossman so slowly we never even noticed.
Loved how Brady tried to answer and couldn’t hit the pass.
Methinks he’s getting old. This may be a good season yet!
until he takes more “multi vitamins” from theTB12 Center by his shady bff non-doctor doctor.
“It” actually getting good reviews as a remake and a Stephen King adaptation makes me irrationally happy. Here’s hoping they don’t stay too close to the source material, what with the gangbang
I know I’m not speaking for Buddy, but, I could do without Hockstetter jerking off Bowers, too.
I should just go to bed now, this is probably the best part of the game
“Alex Smith threw a 75 yard touchdown” is a sentence that reflects reality.
Usually, that statement includes a “(74 YAC)” qualifier
This really is the darkest timeline
/retroactively glad I waited to late too bench that guy
I’m pretty sure I was in middle school during the Menendez trial and even then I thought “people get shot all the time why is this different?”
OOoops? Nice play, KC
make it snow: tyreek hill just beat that pats defense like it was
lady snow: stop
He’s kinda small to be so beat-y. Anybody else think that? OK, anybody else gonna admit it??
EEEEEHHHHLLLLLL OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH EEEEEEEHHHHLLLLL
Tyreek the freak!
TYREEKDOWN WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the fuck how did alex smith throw deep
did i get some of hippo’s pills by accident
FOR YARA!!
Well that isn’t good
NOW we check if Alex Smith is concussed.
/Wooo Hilldown!
What. The. Fuck.
Alex Smith going… deep?
Listening to Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals on KMOX whilst I watch this shitshow on mute, and there was a radio ad throwing shade at RAMIT!!!
My friends, I recently rewatched the Simpsons episode that features my namesake avatar and you should have seen how excited I got when it was projected across my TV screen.
Guess who’s drankin’ on top o’ his pills now? DIS HIPPO!!
my dude
Our year of Waiting FOAR Chad Kelly begins!
Sorry awkward gritty white special teams player, you don’t play for the Patriots, and as such that kind of after-the-whistle-hustle is not tolerated.
Scott Eastwood: Because Clint’s too damn old, rich and crazy to make a BMW ad.
once again that wasnt the 40 yr old QB’s fault
Collinsworth is dying to talk about Belichick’s left footed punters, like it’s a magic thing.
Left footed punters are black magic fuckery apparently
I thought Marquette King was the black magic punter.
DAS RAYCESS
You mean the athletic punter smh
isnt that a euphemism for what Aaron Rodgers gets at the “bookstore”?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WHENEVER NEW ENGLAND FUMBLES IT ALWAYS MANAGES TO GO FORWARD AND THEY ALWAYS MANAGE TO RECOVER IT?! WHAT FUCKING JUST GOD WOULD ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN??!!!
….I’m not mad. Not at all. No, you shut up.
It’s not a fucking just god, or else Irma would just hit Mar-a-Lago and everything around it would still be fine.
I’m hoping some sort of super tanker is blown into it.
Christ, no. They’ll just end up making a Marky Mark movie about it.
WE GAWTA SAVE THIS FACKIN GOLDEN CRAPPAH!!!
That’s a fair point.
I’m Jewish, so God (or should I say G-d) is more of a net negative in my experience.
Do you think Brady learned to fake it so well from his wife?
/removes glasses
This. Changes. Everything.
WHO STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR?
I do approve of Eric Clapton.
Solo or Cream?
I started packing today, though that mostly consisted of working on a jigsaw puzzle, deciding I didn’t have time to finish the jigsaw puzzle, putting the jigsaw puzzle back in the box while keeping some major sections intact, and taking out the stuff I need to start packing my China sets
Who knew I’d use that one again so soon?
Also, phrasing.
Actually, she’s been rocking a bush as of late, I’m pretty sure.
So it’s a rather coarse KHunt.
Who gave Peyton music producer cred? That person should be shot. Then beaten.
Can we all just cool it on the “KHUNT” comments, guys? They’re basic, and boring, and juvenile………
Nah, just kidding. Let’s hope he’s great just to guarantee us 8-10 years of Khunt jokes.
….hehehe….Khunt
“I don’t get it.”
-Aaron Rodgers
That is one slick KHunt.
Looks as though I may not have overpaid for Hunt in the auction league.
I overpaid for Hunt’s at costco.
Hurricane Irma is what we called my grandmother whenever she would go on about “the darks and Mexicans”.
Marvel at the bland efficiency of Alex Smith. Registering a 9.0 on the Bradford Scale.
Legit question : Why did Yahoo have Gilislee with 0 projected points?
Yahoo sucks?
Seems legit
2 Legit 2 Sit
He was probably listed as doubtful and 10th on the rb depth chart. Also wasn’t he cut a week ago?
Yahoo was too busy celebrating?
Matt Lauer looks at a blank piece of paper inquisitively as Hurricane Irma approaches south Florida.
And that piece of paper is…his résumé.
There’s an email going around about how all the current hurricanes are the work of Kim-Jung-Il cause the Chinese can control the weather. I mean…don’t they know that it’s Kim Jung Un now?
Or that he’s not, y’know, Chinese?
If I could control the weather, I would use it to manipulate sporting events and I would also charge people lots of money so they could have nice weather for their weddings.
I’d destroy the Chargers new stadium. As often as they built a new one.
Are you not moved by weekly peanut-butter sandwiches?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51z63QEImTc
Dammit, that missed the punchline. “Pudge controls the weather.”
Fresh Meat
It’s the spirit of Kim Jung-Il that’s doing it, didn’t you read the email?
Kind of shocked it’s not Antifa or Obama’s doing.
Nazi George Soros?
My favorite reactions to antifa is that it’s Hillary Clinton’s personal army of chaos.
If Asians controlled the weather all the hurricanes would come an hour after the other.
“In the Federal Government, there are two separate and important functions, the independent prosecutor who investigates the crimes and the Executive Branch who covers up and undermines the former. These are their stories.”
“Law and Order: DC”
(bung, bung)
Scene 1: “Hey remember when that guy Bonald Drumpf was running for president and said a bunch of shit to get attention but we knew it was all lies, didn’t give him any media coverage, and he went back to being a private asshole instaed of ruining the country? That was a funny week.”
(Fade to black, series ends.)
Donald: “I will deport all the minorities….(gauges public perception)…eventually”
Racists: “Why aren’t you deporting them right fucking now?!”
Reasonable People: “Wait, why are you deporting them at all? What the hell did they do wrong?”
Donald: Uh..uh..uh…(scrambles like Mark Sanchez against a blitz and runs straight into Mitch McConell’s ass).
“Deportations for all!”
“Boo!”
Alright…deportations for most, tiny flags foar everyone!
Are you gonna eat that? Said Tony Dungy, never.
He’ll suck your blood without your permission though.
I don’t know why I keep confusing Andy Reid with Riley Reid? Is something wrong here?
As many concussions as Jordan Reed?
Perhaps you’re just imagining four Riley Reids, which are equivalent in mass to a single Andy Reid.
Eh, I’ve rubbed one off to them both. Not my proudest wank.
Same.
If you use bbq sauce while standing in shallow water i think they call that the Reid Reed Reed Relief
And if Riley is playing the double bassoon…
Dear NBC,
It’s entirely possible the Menendez brothers were just entitled little psychos, and don’t deserve a whole series about their homicidal tendencies. Just a thought.
I’d bet that was more of the marketing department’s job.
“This is a good story and all but, how the fuck are we supposed to promote a show about two greedy psychopathic rich kids who murdered their parents?”
“I don’t know, make it seem like they…weren’t that?”
(sigh) “Fine”
“They’re Hispanic, it’s all good.”