Your “Gimmee More” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!

Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)

Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.

Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.

 

Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

So, yesterday I drove past a yard sale a few blocks from my place. Placed out front on the driveway was a over-sized, old fashoned PINK toilet … for sale! Just about an hour ago I was on the same street and perched on top of said PINK toilet was a little (Maybe four years old?) kid, feet dangling, pants around ankles taking a dump. (Assuming) I would have taken a picture but … child pr0n is a helluva charge.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nevar Convicted!!!!!

— Spanky Datass

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

To start the healing process, here’s a GIF of Marshawn Lynch tickling Aaron Rodger’s moustache
http://i.imgur.com/Q7RGCGH.gif

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Beerguyrob

Well, I will be looking forward to next weekend and the Hawks home opener.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

GOATSE stadium is always open no?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Run DMC. OUT

hippofant
hippofant

Michael Bennett bailing his bro out!

Beerguyrob

BLEERGH is coming for the end of the Packers game.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

BLEERGH is displeased with his prophets on the field.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

So, I should know this by now, but I’m still not clear on who/what BLEERGH is. Help a brother out?

ballsofsteelandfury

BLEERGH is the God of penalties. His totem is a yellow flag.

Shogun Marcus

He is our Lord and savior (saviour for teh canadias).

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Brocky

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technodanvan
technodanvan

*throws up*

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Oh Martellus.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

My personal favorite roll for anything sandwich and burgers:

http://miamionionroll.com/mediac/400_0/media/Largeonionrollswhite.JPG

Shogun Marcus

I need some kind of star trek type show. But with mediocre humor. I wish there was such a thing. Alas, if only I was told of such a program.

Brocky

So…. star trek enterprise?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Do not speak ill of Jolene Blalock.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Family Guy meets Apollo 13?

Romonobyl

My grill awaits. See ya’s for Amurica’s Game O’ the Week.

Brocky

Alright, seemingly easy question with a twist:

Who wins in a fight to the death: Pete Carol or Mike McCarthy?

The twist: they’re wearing the costumes of snow miser and heat miser respectively:

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The Maestro

Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. Carroll wins.

Romonobyl

Kaiser rolls make excellent hamburger buns. Ppl forget that.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Or maybe they’re just betraying their hidden Anti-German prejudices

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Breakfast sandwiches on them are amazing.

Spur
Spur

Jimmy Graham is such a fucking waste.

Romonobyl

Pretty good in the paint though.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

So was my cousin! Now he needs new kidneys, though.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

I liked Scott Tolzien better when he was known as Drew Stanton.

Doktor Zymm

It’s still cool to call someone a pussy for having cramps, right? That’s like….a thing girls have once a month

herodotus450
herodotus450

Or almost every day if you’re lactose intolerant and have no more short term memory. Wait, where am I?

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

We prefer ” He’s being a real extended clitoral hood and uterine wall”.

Romonobyl

No worse than calling someone a dick if he gets a stiff neck.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I mean, you have one of those things all the time.

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

In other news, Yanks beat the shit out of Texas and gained ground on the SAWX.

Romonobyl

State Farm.
Because your money…is our money.

Doktor Zymm

If you’re looking for 60 minutes, GOOD NEWS, 60 minutes is on

Romonobyl

I need to chase those little bastards outta my yard first.

Shogun Marcus

Didja ever notice…?

Doktor Zymm

It’s 6:11 pm, do you know where YOUR children be at?

Shogun Marcus

Inside my satchel and my wife’s ovaries. And it’s staying that way!

WCS

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

This Rams-Colts game

Doktor Zymm

If there was a player named Churro who hadn’t raped anyone, I would be a fan, even if he played for the Cowboys

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hasn’t raped anyone? Are you talking curling?

Romonobyl

mmmmmm…churros.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Churro sounds like someone who rapes his high school coach “cuz he was being a little bitch”

Gratliff

So Carolina has to be the biggest SB dropoff since the 2002 Bucs, right?

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Maybe 02′ Raiders

Shogun Marcus

Raiders after gruden? Damnit jinx!

Gratliff

Was that shit played on a graveyard? What the fuck, 2002?

Beerguyrob

Who is the old guy taking pills on the Packers sideline?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Todd Marinovich?

WCS

Ron Zook is apparently still alive.

Romonobyl

Britt, that copper shit ain’t worth a flying fuck.

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Kevin Greene

blaxabbath

Special Teams Lead Scout Jim Irsay?

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Colin Kaepernick is going to look mighty appealing in a week or so for some teams.

King Hippo

clubs that hate America!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah. Terrorist teams.

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Yeah, well….What about black on black crime!?

theeWeeBabySeamus

What about Back in Black crime?

blaxabbath

ARI already has Gabbert and Dawson. Bring on Kap! We’re getting the old gang back together!

(Also Iupati)

Shogun Marcus

Calm down lambeau, that wasn’t anything. Sold it pretty good, but no.

King Hippo

Did Davante Adams spoil the end of The Bachelorette for Aaron, or what?

Doktor Zymm

Steve Bannon looks like he’s on the tail end of a 2 year meth bender, but without the weightloss benefits.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

Or the movie role.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Who plays Bannon in the Trump heist movie? The ghost of Phillip Seymour Hoffmann?

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

The King of Rohan

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Bill O’Reilley in blackface

Romonobyl

So, does FOX have some new Seth McFarland show coming on or what?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If they do, I wish they’d say something.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m Eli Manning, and I play with Legos…”

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

*thinks Odell Beckham is just a lego man who runs fast*

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

“I’m Eli Manning, and I approve this message.”
/cuts to a hot pockets commercial

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Shogun Marcus

You do that to a dog, you fucking deserve worse.

Romonobyl

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the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

But how likely is it that it was the kid who did it and not the asshole with the laser pointer?

Shogun Marcus

Karma if it’s his kid. Keeps the gene pool safe.

Romonobyl

Any commercial featuring Sabotage can’t be all bad.

WCS

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Romonobyl

Love that video.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

And that’s how the Graham cracker crumbles!

Shogun Marcus

He played basketball!

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

That should be carved into his headstone.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like that Mariota threw for fewer yards, fewer touchdowns, and a lower percentage than Derek Carr but still has a higher QBR. Great metric!

Doktor Zymm

RAMMIT doesn’t have their starters in, right?

King Hippo

They left Baby Buster in, but not Gurley (who would have helped me in fantasy).

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Yeah, but Goff is throwing for 300 yards against this team. It may as well not count.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

How many thanks people took RAMMIT in a suicide pool because they had seen Scott Tolzien play before?

King Hippo

Dis HIPPO!

/also faith in Tubby Wade

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I played it safe and took Buffalo.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I knew I’d need them against the Jets later. Thought I’d burn RAMMIT early.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen someone so relieved after burning a Ram since Abraham and Isaac.

King Hippo

I could see the Jets winning today. No, really.

/plus when I made the pick, Tyrod was iffy

blaxabbath

Alright, I’m getting super ducking high, hitting in n out, and going to see It with the mrs bc she was nice enough to not annoy me during ARI/DET.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

IT is pretty good. Stranger Things-esque. Like an Amblin Entertainment Stephen King movie.

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

“So Coach Bowles, what did you think of your team’s effort today?”
“We were okay, but it felt like Sisyphus shoving the rock up a hill. Instead of a hill though, there was the waste of thousands of people who just climbed out of the primordial Lake Erie sometime between the Higgs-Bosom and Clinton’s second term. Buffalo has all the charm of Chechnya with even less tolerant attitudes towards gays.”

Shogun Marcus

Higgs did have a pretty sweet bosom. Ppl forget that.

Beerguyrob

“But how were the wings, coach?”

Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!
Buddy Cole's Off-Season Habit!

“Wings are what I prayed I could sprout so I could leave this Dante’s ‘Inferno’ in the flesh. I would rather go to Guatemala where millennials think the Bills are a 4-time dynasty and Patriots just can’t get over the hump.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice play by Jordy “No, that wasn’t me, I know it looked like me, but I was nowhere near Charlottesville” Nelson.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
the Alpha and the Amoeba

I actually looked for news stories about a Jordy Nelson neo-nazi lookalike before I realized it was joke about how his hair is short. I need more drinks to drown my embarrassment

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