Your “Gimmee More” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!

Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)

Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.

Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.

 

Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.

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Spanky Datass
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Spanky Datass

So, yesterday I drove past a yard sale a few blocks from my place. Placed out front on the driveway was a over-sized, old fashoned PINK toilet … for sale! Just about an hour ago I was on the same street and perched on top of said PINK toilet was a little (Maybe four years old?) kid, feet dangling, pants around ankles taking a dump. (Assuming) I would have taken a picture but … child pr0n is a helluva charge.

theeWeeBabySeamus
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Nevar Convicted!!!!!

— Spanky Datass

the Alpha and the Amoeba
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the Alpha and the Amoeba

To start the healing process, here’s a GIF of Marshawn Lynch tickling Aaron Rodger’s moustache
http://i.imgur.com/Q7RGCGH.gif

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Beerguyrob
Member

Well, I will be looking forward to next weekend and the Hawks home opener.

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

GOATSE stadium is always open no?

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Run DMC. OUT

hippofant
Member
hippofant

Michael Bennett bailing his bro out!

Beerguyrob
Member

BLEERGH is coming for the end of the Packers game.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

BLEERGH is displeased with his prophets on the field.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

So, I should know this by now, but I’m still not clear on who/what BLEERGH is. Help a brother out?

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

BLEERGH is the God of penalties. His totem is a yellow flag.

Shogun Marcus
Member

He is our Lord and savior (saviour for teh canadias).

Brocky
Member

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technodanvan
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technodanvan

*throws up*

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

Oh Martellus.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My personal favorite roll for anything sandwich and burgers:

http://miamionionroll.com/mediac/400_0/media/Largeonionrollswhite.JPG

Shogun Marcus
Member

I need some kind of star trek type show. But with mediocre humor. I wish there was such a thing. Alas, if only I was told of such a program.

Brocky
Member

So…. star trek enterprise?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Do not speak ill of Jolene Blalock.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Family Guy meets Apollo 13?

Romonobyl
Member

My grill awaits. See ya’s for Amurica’s Game O’ the Week.

Brocky
Member

Alright, seemingly easy question with a twist:

Who wins in a fight to the death: Pete Carol or Mike McCarthy?

The twist: they’re wearing the costumes of snow miser and heat miser respectively:

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The Maestro
Member

Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. Carroll wins.

Romonobyl
Member

Kaiser rolls make excellent hamburger buns. Ppl forget that.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
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the Alpha and the Amoeba

Or maybe they’re just betraying their hidden Anti-German prejudices

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Breakfast sandwiches on them are amazing.

Spur
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Spur

Jimmy Graham is such a fucking waste.

Romonobyl
Member

Pretty good in the paint though.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So was my cousin! Now he needs new kidneys, though.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I liked Scott Tolzien better when he was known as Drew Stanton.

Doktor Zymm
Member

It’s still cool to call someone a pussy for having cramps, right? That’s like….a thing girls have once a month

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Or almost every day if you’re lactose intolerant and have no more short term memory. Wait, where am I?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

We prefer ” He’s being a real extended clitoral hood and uterine wall”.

Romonobyl
Member

No worse than calling someone a dick if he gets a stiff neck.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

I mean, you have one of those things all the time.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

In other news, Yanks beat the shit out of Texas and gained ground on the SAWX.

Romonobyl
Member

State Farm.
Because your money…is our money.

Doktor Zymm
Member

If you’re looking for 60 minutes, GOOD NEWS, 60 minutes is on

Romonobyl
Member

I need to chase those little bastards outta my yard first.

Shogun Marcus
Member

Didja ever notice…?

Doktor Zymm
Member

It’s 6:11 pm, do you know where YOUR children be at?

Shogun Marcus
Member

Inside my satchel and my wife’s ovaries. And it’s staying that way!

WCS
Member

the Alpha and the Amoeba
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the Alpha and the Amoeba
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

This Rams-Colts game

Doktor Zymm
Member

If there was a player named Churro who hadn’t raped anyone, I would be a fan, even if he played for the Cowboys

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

Hasn’t raped anyone? Are you talking curling?

Romonobyl
Member

mmmmmm…churros.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Churro sounds like someone who rapes his high school coach “cuz he was being a little bitch”

Gratliff
Member

So Carolina has to be the biggest SB dropoff since the 2002 Bucs, right?

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

Maybe 02′ Raiders

Shogun Marcus
Member

Raiders after gruden? Damnit jinx!

Gratliff
Member

Was that shit played on a graveyard? What the fuck, 2002?

Beerguyrob
Member

Who is the old guy taking pills on the Packers sideline?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Todd Marinovich?

WCS
Member

Ron Zook is apparently still alive.

Romonobyl
Member

Britt, that copper shit ain’t worth a flying fuck.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

Kevin Greene

blaxabbath
Member

Special Teams Lead Scout Jim Irsay?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Colin Kaepernick is going to look mighty appealing in a week or so for some teams.

King Hippo
Member

clubs that hate America!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Yeah. Terrorist teams.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

Yeah, well….What about black on black crime!?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

What about Back in Black crime?

blaxabbath
Member

ARI already has Gabbert and Dawson. Bring on Kap! We’re getting the old gang back together!

(Also Iupati)

Shogun Marcus
Member

Calm down lambeau, that wasn’t anything. Sold it pretty good, but no.

King Hippo
Member

Did Davante Adams spoil the end of The Bachelorette for Aaron, or what?

Doktor Zymm
Member

Steve Bannon looks like he’s on the tail end of a 2 year meth bender, but without the weightloss benefits.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Or the movie role.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

Who plays Bannon in the Trump heist movie? The ghost of Phillip Seymour Hoffmann?

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

The King of Rohan

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Bill O’Reilley in blackface

Romonobyl
Member

So, does FOX have some new Seth McFarland show coming on or what?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

If they do, I wish they’d say something.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“I’m Eli Manning, and I play with Legos…”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

*thinks Odell Beckham is just a lego man who runs fast*

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

“I’m Eli Manning, and I approve this message.”
/cuts to a hot pockets commercial

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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Shogun Marcus
Member

You do that to a dog, you fucking deserve worse.

Romonobyl
Member

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the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

But how likely is it that it was the kid who did it and not the asshole with the laser pointer?

Shogun Marcus
Member

Karma if it’s his kid. Keeps the gene pool safe.

Romonobyl
Member

Any commercial featuring Sabotage can’t be all bad.

WCS
Member

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Romonobyl
Member

Love that video.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

And that’s how the Graham cracker crumbles!

Shogun Marcus
Member

He played basketball!

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

That should be carved into his headstone.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I like that Mariota threw for fewer yards, fewer touchdowns, and a lower percentage than Derek Carr but still has a higher QBR. Great metric!

Doktor Zymm
Member

RAMMIT doesn’t have their starters in, right?

King Hippo
Member

They left Baby Buster in, but not Gurley (who would have helped me in fantasy).

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

Yeah, but Goff is throwing for 300 yards against this team. It may as well not count.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

How many thanks people took RAMMIT in a suicide pool because they had seen Scott Tolzien play before?

King Hippo
Member

Dis HIPPO!

/also faith in Tubby Wade

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I played it safe and took Buffalo.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

I knew I’d need them against the Jets later. Thought I’d burn RAMMIT early.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I haven’t seen someone so relieved after burning a Ram since Abraham and Isaac.

King Hippo
Member

I could see the Jets winning today. No, really.

/plus when I made the pick, Tyrod was iffy

blaxabbath
Member

Alright, I’m getting super ducking high, hitting in n out, and going to see It with the mrs bc she was nice enough to not annoy me during ARI/DET.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Member

IT is pretty good. Stranger Things-esque. Like an Amblin Entertainment Stephen King movie.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“So Coach Bowles, what did you think of your team’s effort today?”
“We were okay, but it felt like Sisyphus shoving the rock up a hill. Instead of a hill though, there was the waste of thousands of people who just climbed out of the primordial Lake Erie sometime between the Higgs-Bosom and Clinton’s second term. Buffalo has all the charm of Chechnya with even less tolerant attitudes towards gays.”

Shogun Marcus
Member

Higgs did have a pretty sweet bosom. Ppl forget that.

Beerguyrob
Member

“But how were the wings, coach?”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Wings are what I prayed I could sprout so I could leave this Dante’s ‘Inferno’ in the flesh. I would rather go to Guatemala where millennials think the Bills are a 4-time dynasty and Patriots just can’t get over the hump.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Nice play by Jordy “No, that wasn’t me, I know it looked like me, but I was nowhere near Charlottesville” Nelson.

the Alpha and the Amoeba
Member
the Alpha and the Amoeba

I actually looked for news stories about a Jordy Nelson neo-nazi lookalike before I realized it was joke about how his hair is short. I need more drinks to drown my embarrassment

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