[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)
Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.
Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.
Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.
Legend has it that Tom Brady forged his first superbowl ring in the fires of Mt. Goodell and infused it with so much of his power that as long as the ring lives, so does Brady, in one form or another. Adam Viniateri was chosen to destroy that ring, but he chickened out and went to Indianapolis instead. Until he makes the great journey back to Foxboro and destroys the ring he will never be able to retire and find rest.
DFO needs to get on the phone and hire this guy, stat!
It was really just a long winded short joke.
/Vin is listed at 6′ 0” ?
Eli Manning: Vinny, Destroy it!!
[Viniateri stares longingly at the ring, he then looks back at Eli]
Viniateri: No
[Viniatieri walks out of the heart of Mt. Goodell]
Eli [shocked and confused]: Vinny!? VINNY!!
Charmslinger is living Aaron Rodgers’ dream; being pancaked by a bunch of strong, stout young men.
seems like Cam has HODOR! shoulder
He was Willis before the start of last season.
Opening kickoff and Thorpe crushes the Packers returner! Wooooooooo!
The need to make these in Rams colors so we can take our wine and RAMMIT
https://www.groupon.com/deals/gg-happy-man-bottle-opener-stopper-and-corkscrew-3-piece-1
It’s not surprising at all that Chuck Pagano would fail to throw the flag there.
QUADBOX
Here’s my hot taek for the C-Hox: Bennet, Wagner, Thomas, Sherman and Chancellor are the faces of the defense. Out of those 5, Sherman and Chancellor are the most expendable. Trade 1 for an O-lineman so Wilson doesn’t die
motherfucker, I could have used a 2nd RRRRRRRAMITDOWN!!!
As someone starting the RAMMIT D, I respect the Colt’s decision to not challenge and get the TD.
I ate some expired kimchi and am feeling it. I regret nothing.
It’s fermented, it doesn’t expire, it inspires!
True, that’s like wine expiring. I am a little worried however about this layer of fuzz in this old bottle of Sutter Home Shiraz.
pour some vodka on it first
How expired?
How would you know?
I made it myself a year ago, saw it in the back of the fridge today and said fuck yeah. Put it on 2 sausages, it looked a bit grey, still ate it. Feel stab wounds to stomach right now.
Meh
Colts coach fails Football 101 with the lack of a challenge.
Wow. Colts are dumb.
When a problem comes along / YOU MUST RAMMIT
When Tolzein drops back too long / YOU MUST RAMMIT
How the fuck can you play 13 years in the NFL at the running back spot? Gore isn’t human.
“I know we all put all the country’s money in the pockets of America’s largest corporations because their lobbyists funded our campaigns — but we need those of you with stagnant wages to pay for the hurricane please.” -Former US Presidents
Hey look! It’s Frank Gore!
Irsay thought that Tolzein was the next big thing in the pharmaceutical industry.
Side effects : Choking, nausea, muscle weakness, anal leakage
Ask your doctor is Tolzein is right for you!
Only to be taken rectally.
Remember when Total Request Live had to retire videos that were first place for like X straight episodes? I’m going to have to do that with Rams kickoff crowds on Quotables.
I thought that was ESPN and the buttfumble.
Please. Let a white guy arguing with a negro on a ‘debate show’ have that as a topic for 45 seconds and buttfumble would be on their homepage for a week.
Scores, nay, dozens of fans!
Did you say Rammstein? No? Oh.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=_sM2sKk4DPM
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hey, how’s it going everybody?
We’re all RAMMITING
and this TOTES counts as our exercise FOAR the week
Not bad. How’s that stroke coming along?
How was transforming into a Rob Ryan-esque wolfman for the morning?
HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN?
I’m okay, how about you!?
GREAT!
Ever take a horse’s temperature? You use a rectal thermometer. Does that Colt have a fever, just RAMMIT in there and find out!
[takes breath]
In the medical community, an Inner Berman is called a “tumour”.
and the tests are… back back back back back back back back MALIGNANT!!
Our first 1-2 banner?
GOD RAMMIT
Tolzien pick-sixed. Poor fellow.
So, we RAMMIT?
Let us all RAMMIT
oh, we gon RAMIT!! til it just don’ noe
/Tolzien throws like the old Tecmo Bowl Colts QB
McCaffrey’s next team will be the Pats.
Fox’s sportsticker intern isn’t very good. Titans game isn’t in the 3rd quarter and they have an end of 4th quarter to the Browns and Dtillers game, not an F.
I appreciate all of you confirming that is it in fact time to RAMMIT.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!!!!
RAMMIT RAMMIT RAMMIT!
And the RAMMIT D already has more points than anyone on my fantasy team from the early games! WOOOOOOOOOO!
Lions and Cardinals can fuck off now
Is that the entire population of LA that moved there from Indiana?
Ha ha! Love that “crowd ” shot at the Coliseum!
#OpeningDayGetHype
“…to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league.”
Eh, Fatt Stafford has much bigger tits.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Falcons celebrating like they won the Superb Owl against the Bears? They are in for a long season
Oh my, 4 interceptions, 1 lost fumble and 5 sacks for Dalton. That’s what we call a “Klingler”
I thought it was a Delhomme.
regular and post-season varietals
Akili Smith nods.
The Cardinals look like dysentery.
Rammit’s crowd looms like a CFL game
“Goff likes it because it takes some of the thinking out of the game” – No shit, anything that needs thinking is not his forte.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Rodgers hates the smell of fish.
OH BOY RAMS AND COLTS! GOFF AND TOLZIEN! I CAN’T WAIT!
Time to RAMMIT?