Your “Gimmee More” Late Afternoon Football Open Thread

[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!

Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)

Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.

Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.

 

Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.

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King Hippo

Though I am still 50/50 to be like the only fantasy owner in the world who started RAMIT!!!! and lost this week.

Doktor Zymm

I’ve got a shot on that…

Doktor Zymm

OH HAI BURRITO YOU’RE LOOKING DELICIOUS TODAY

Dick E. Phuck

OhhiJohnnyIdidn’tknowitwasyou.

Romonobyl

A burrito is just a breakfast taco hooked on PEDs.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

A taco is just a burrito that lacks ambition

Dick E. Phuck

I haven’t seen a Colt get killed like this since Barbaro.

Sharkbait

Clots just got saftey’d

King Hippo

Little Safety Dance!!

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Hey now, the Packers D has done some respectable work today

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Seattle should have seen that coming. After all, they’re always talking about their 12th man

Spur

Aaron Rodgers, Master of the playing with cocks

Doktor Zymm

Shaking your head probably doesn’t actually help a head injury, I’m thinking

King Hippo

#OnlyNanobubbles

Romonobyl

Do you agree Mr. Lincoln…no?
Oops.

King Hippo

Fuck off, Montgomery. Only Davante Adams may do offense-related things now.

Shogun Marcus

I disagree. No ofense.

King Hippo

Jordy was just as bad. Fuck everything.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Did somebody say ‘no offense’?”

– San Francisco 49ers

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Aaron Rodgers involved in something Seattle-related that’s tight and close and isn’t Dan Savage’s asshole? Color me tan.

Redshirt

So I haven’t seen “Kingsmen 1”. Should I check it out.

Also, Halle Barry, damn!

the Alpha and the Amoeba

It’s above average

Doktor Zymm

No idea. Just happy that Halle was hot and legal when I wasn’t even to high school yet, and apparently still is.

Romonobyl

Ending kinda sucked, but OK overall.

Doktor Zymm

I also ordered a lot of guacamole, though I forgot that this place has shit tortilla chips.

Romonobyl

That’s a waste of good guac.

Doktor Zymm

I’ll rectify. Or just get a goddamn spoon.

Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

We’ve all been there.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey kids, reporting in from old man Christmas, or the Way Back Pointfest. Just saw Reel Big Fish and am waiting for the next band, Goldfinger. St. Louis babysitters are having their fucking Super Bowl/Black Friday today.

Doktor Zymm

Hey, the 90’s called, they said, ‘sup?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They did indeed. The Offspring is here! And Sublime!

Romonobyl

Sponsored by Ensure.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I am with my people. The olds.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Crystal Pepsi is people

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

RIGHT NOW

Shogun Marcus

What about the Mighty mighty bosstones?
…for the record blues traveler and everclear were here last night.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

No Bosstones tonight. The Urge is here – they are a big deal in STl

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I have seen both of those bands live. I feel fucking ancient right now.

WCS

You mean, “WAAASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.”

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

My wife vetoed my jnco jeans.

Doktor Zymm

Aw

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They… Do not fit.

Romonobyl

I wonder if my parachute pants still fit?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I hope they fit better thany JNCO jeans did.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’m shocked at how good my spelling still is after what I’ve drank today.

herodotus450

Probably all that Provel “Cheese”

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’ll pick up an Imo’s just for you.

herodotus450

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

LONG LIVE SKA

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Were you trying Speech-to-Text with this post?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Those are real bands. From the 90’s, when I last listened to new music.

King Hippo

It’s weird to see Rodgers running AWAY from sweaty large men like that

Shogun Marcus

Damn you sharkbait for making me pay attention to monday night football(s).

Sharkbait

Eh, could be worse.

Doktor Zymm

Rodgers….is not a sprinter. He would be awful at tennis.

King Hippo

doubles specialist?

Redshirt

O/U number of “There is no God/Christians are idiots” jokes in Episode 1 of Orvalle: four

Dick E. Phuck

Registering a 10 on the Dawkins-Hitchens Index.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Awww, he dead doe

Doktor Zymm

Vinateri basically proving my point that all kickers above a certain level are the same damn player

King Hippo

Black HODOR! Immediate touched down.

Romonobyl

So we have The Orville, I guess fuck Wilbur then.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m actually rooting for that show Orville to be good because I have a fancy Hollywood friend who’s on it and he’s a solid dude so I want to see it succeed. But I am not optimistic.

King Hippo

does your friend drink? I hope he drinks.

Romonobyl

I was thinking heavy opiates.

King Hippo

then I’d have to be all jelly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, for sure. I suppose we’re more acquaintances than friends but I like him so I hope it’s at least good for his career.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I mean, it’s a Seth McFarlane production, so you can count on it to be adequate, but not great

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think McFarlane is more talented than people give him credit for. If he only wrote, say, one movie ever two years I’d probably love him.

Doktor Zymm

Goddamnit, Colts garbage time points gonna happen

King Hippo

JACOBY BRISSETT IS IN THE GAME!!!

WCS

Bears WR Kevin White is broken again. Again.

King Hippo

Cam helicopters onto his injured shoulder. WITH A 20-0 LEAD

Spur

Where the fuck is the DPI? Literally pushing him down. FUCK Green Bay.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Counterpoint: Fuck Seattle.

King Hippo

even if uncatachable….holding first

Dick E. Phuck

Go Meteor!

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna genetically engineer a 10 ft tall receiver. The entire point is to draw PI, cause suddenly no overthrow is uncatchable

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So you know when you drink enough that the next drink realiy seems to have no effect? I think I’m at that point. But I should have another drink just to make sure.

Doktor Zymm

Experimentation and replication are the cornerstones of the scientific process

ThePirateSloth

FOR SCIENCE

#FUCKYEASCIENCE

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Two more, because you need more than one data point to establish statistical significance.

Shogun Marcus

NOW Carroll runs it

Wakezilla

This Seahawks o-line, I call them Hurricane Irma because they are a category 5 disaster.

How could the C-Hox brass known they’d be terrible?

King Hippo

NO garbage time pity for the Humps. HEAR ME, old pal Tubby Wade??

King Hippo

nice run, Johnny Carson!!

Doktor Zymm

Run, run, run, run, take a drag or two

Brick Meathook

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Doktor Zymm

Decision, going whiskey. I’ve got a third of a bottle of Beam, and if I’m going to be blacked out by the end of the Cowboys game I really should get started now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love you Dok.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait I mean Dak.

Doktor Zymm

DAKDAKDAKDAKDAK!
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Sharkbait

I’ll be with you.

King Hippo

Litre’s odds down to 6%! Fall, damn you!!

King Hippo

complete teh Bingo, get a safety RAMIT!!!

Doktor Zymm

Open a new bottle of red that I really shouldn’t finish, make myself a whiskey and soda in my wine glass, or wait till my burrito arrives to make a decision?

King Hippo

yes

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Make a whiskey and soda while you wait for the burrito, and once it arrives decide whether a second whiskey and soda or the Red would pair with it better.

Mr. Ayo

Do you only have one wine glass?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

How many O’s is allowed in a WOOO… before it is considered inappropriate?

Doktor Zymm

Don’t break the website, your ‘O’ key, or sprain your finger. Otherwise, have fun.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

42

Beerguyrob

Ric Flair’s been champ 16 times, so…

ThePirateSloth

http:/comment image

Sharkbait

You were supposed to throw that Aaron.

Shogun Marcus

I’m ok with the ty run. ☺

hippofant

A touchdown! I’ll take it!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Charmfumble!

Dick E. Phuck

THOSE LA CHARGERS, I CALL THEM FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER, BECAUSE THEY’RE A MAN-MADE ABOMINATION THAT NO ONE WANTS.

Shogun Marcus

This’ll end in a fg.

...

Loud Packers neighbor was screaming in what sounds like agony over the Packers recovering that.

I’m so confused.

King Hippo

a black guy got credit

Dick E. Phuck

Potential murder in progress?

Redshirt

BDSM fan?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Perhaps you’ve just forgotten what Fans sound like when their team makes a good play

...

Well, joy is a foreign concept to me…

Doktor Zymm

Man, fantasy football has made me somewhat less interesting. It’s like my friends in high school talking about their D&D characters. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

Spur

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