[sucks Dorito dust off fingers, wipes half-eaten wings from front of shirt] Damn that was exciting stuff wasn’t it? So much balling of foots! But wait! Don’t get up. If you stay put on the couch in your torn (“But they’re comfy.”) pyjama bottoms there’s more to come. So don’t act now! TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Rams: Finally out from under the mustache of mediocrity that was HC Jeff Fisher, Jared Goff and his 54% completion rate aim to prove he’s not the bustiest young qb in the league. At least in wr Watkins he’s got himself an above-average guy to throw to. In this here passing league it is folly to skimp on the ball catchers the way that the Rams have for the last few years. Playing against Indy and their completely talent-free secondary was a gift from the scheduling gods. Rb Gurley and his 3.2 yards per carry has some explaining to do as well. Were you aware that he doesn’t have a receiving TD in his career? That’s incredible. As for the Colts qb, the bell Tolziens for thee. (Sometimes I can’t control my inner Berman)
Hawks/Pack: How’s this for a week one tilt? Qb Wilson has struggled against a not very imposing Green Bay secondary. He’s thrown 8 TD’s against 10 interceptions in his last three games against them. The coaching staff has been super impressed with rook rb Chris Carson and are confident that if Rawls and Lacy falter he can step in. Former Jets grumbler Sheldon Richardson looks to wreck another locker room over in Seattle. He joins a squad that had the number one ranked run D last year. So Rodgers is going to have to pass-look for him to pick on rook cb Shaquill Griffin what with Sherman being on the other side. Or perhaps because he’s finally got a tight end that can catch he’ll send some action over Martellus Bennett’s way. Seattle has had trouble defending that position in the past so the Black Unicorn may feast.
Cats/Niners: Reports indicate that the surgically-repaired shoulder of Cam Newton will play but many eyes will be on the dynamic speedster that is Christian McCaffrey. If the coaching staff follows through on what they’ve tinkered with in camp, look for the rook rb to be all over the field, including under center. If he’s successful look for the phrase “WildCaff Offense” to blow up in your face. Oof. Should he be something near what he looks like so far, McCaffrey will at the very least create a little more space for the likes of te Olsen and wr Benjamin and that’s not a bad thing. Them Niners have won six straight opening day affairs and if journeyman qb Brian Hoyer has any say in the matter, the streak ends today. No stranger to streaks himself, Hoyer is 4 for 4 in that he’s started for four different teams over the last four years. He and Mike Glennon should have a chat about being glaringly obvious rentals.
Whoop-de-damn-do! Do your thing folks.
Though I am still 50/50 to be like the only fantasy owner in the world who started RAMIT!!!! and lost this week.
I’ve got a shot on that…
OH HAI BURRITO YOU’RE LOOKING DELICIOUS TODAY
OhhiJohnnyIdidn’tknowitwasyou.
A burrito is just a breakfast taco hooked on PEDs.
A taco is just a burrito that lacks ambition
I haven’t seen a Colt get killed like this since Barbaro.
Clots just got saftey’d
Little Safety Dance!!
Aaron “Can Win Games All By Myself” Rodgers has spoken.
Hey now, the Packers D has done some respectable work today
For sure. But they didn’t do shit while the offense was on the field.
Seattle should have seen that coming. After all, they’re always talking about their 12th man
Aaron Rodgers, Master of the playing with cocks
Shaking your head probably doesn’t actually help a head injury, I’m thinking
#OnlyNanobubbles
Do you agree Mr. Lincoln…no?
Oops.
Fuck off, Montgomery. Only Davante Adams may do offense-related things now.
I disagree. No ofense.
Jordy was just as bad. Fuck everything.
“Did somebody say ‘no offense’?”
– San Francisco 49ers
Aaron Rodgers involved in something Seattle-related that’s tight and close and isn’t Dan Savage’s asshole? Color me tan.
So I haven’t seen “Kingsmen 1”. Should I check it out.
Also, Halle Barry, damn!
It’s above average
No idea. Just happy that Halle was hot and legal when I wasn’t even to high school yet, and apparently still is.
Ending kinda sucked, but OK overall.
I also ordered a lot of guacamole, though I forgot that this place has shit tortilla chips.
That’s a waste of good guac.
I’ll rectify. Or just get a goddamn spoon.
We’ve all been there.
Hey kids, reporting in from old man Christmas, or the Way Back Pointfest. Just saw Reel Big Fish and am waiting for the next band, Goldfinger. St. Louis babysitters are having their fucking Super Bowl/Black Friday today.
Hey, the 90’s called, they said, ‘sup?
They did indeed. The Offspring is here! And Sublime!
Sponsored by Ensure.
I am with my people. The olds.
Crystal Pepsi is people
RIGHT NOW
What about the Mighty mighty bosstones?
…for the record blues traveler and everclear were here last night.
No Bosstones tonight. The Urge is here – they are a big deal in STl
I have seen both of those bands live. I feel fucking ancient right now.
You mean, “WAAASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.”
My wife vetoed my jnco jeans.
Aw
They… Do not fit.
I wonder if my parachute pants still fit?
I hope they fit better thany JNCO jeans did.
Really wish dad spoke English…
I’m shocked at how good my spelling still is after what I’ve drank today.
Probably all that Provel “Cheese”
I’ll pick up an Imo’s just for you.
LONG LIVE SKA
Were you trying Speech-to-Text with this post?
Those are real bands. From the 90’s, when I last listened to new music.
It’s weird to see Rodgers running AWAY from sweaty large men like that
Damn you sharkbait for making me pay attention to monday night football(s).
Eh, could be worse.
Rodgers….is not a sprinter. He would be awful at tennis.
doubles specialist?
O/U number of “There is no God/Christians are idiots” jokes in Episode 1 of Orvalle: four
Registering a 10 on the Dawkins-Hitchens Index.
Awww, he dead doe
Vinateri basically proving my point that all kickers above a certain level are the same damn player
Black HODOR! Immediate touched down.
So we have The Orville, I guess fuck Wilbur then.
So I’m actually rooting for that show Orville to be good because I have a fancy Hollywood friend who’s on it and he’s a solid dude so I want to see it succeed. But I am not optimistic.
does your friend drink? I hope he drinks.
I was thinking heavy opiates.
then I’d have to be all jelly
Oh, for sure. I suppose we’re more acquaintances than friends but I like him so I hope it’s at least good for his career.
I mean, it’s a Seth McFarlane production, so you can count on it to be adequate, but not great
I think McFarlane is more talented than people give him credit for. If he only wrote, say, one movie ever two years I’d probably love him.
Goddamnit, Colts garbage time points gonna happen
JACOBY BRISSETT IS IN THE GAME!!!
Bears WR Kevin White is broken again. Again.
Cam helicopters onto his injured shoulder. WITH A 20-0 LEAD
Where the fuck is the DPI? Literally pushing him down. FUCK Green Bay.
Counterpoint: Fuck Seattle.
even if uncatachable….holding first
Go Meteor!
I’m gonna genetically engineer a 10 ft tall receiver. The entire point is to draw PI, cause suddenly no overthrow is uncatchable
So you know when you drink enough that the next drink realiy seems to have no effect? I think I’m at that point. But I should have another drink just to make sure.
Experimentation and replication are the cornerstones of the scientific process
FOR SCIENCE
#FUCKYEASCIENCE
Two more, because you need more than one data point to establish statistical significance.
NOW Carroll runs it
This Seahawks o-line, I call them Hurricane Irma because they are a category 5 disaster.
How could the C-Hox brass known they’d be terrible?
NO garbage time pity for the Humps. HEAR ME, old pal Tubby Wade??
Does I grab Carson and stash him on my roster? I does.
nice run, Johnny Carson!!
Run, run, run, run, take a drag or two
Andy Warhol’s banana approves.
Decision, going whiskey. I’ve got a third of a bottle of Beam, and if I’m going to be blacked out by the end of the Cowboys game I really should get started now.
I love you Dok.
Wait I mean Dak.
DAKDAKDAKDAKDAK!
I’ll be with you.
https://memegenerator.net/instance/62477402/old-man-boxer-i-dont-abuse-alcohol-i-teach-it-a-fucking-lesson
Litre’s odds down to 6%! Fall, damn you!!
complete teh Bingo, get a safety RAMIT!!!
Open a new bottle of red that I really shouldn’t finish, make myself a whiskey and soda in my wine glass, or wait till my burrito arrives to make a decision?
yes
Make a whiskey and soda while you wait for the burrito, and once it arrives decide whether a second whiskey and soda or the Red would pair with it better.
Do you only have one wine glass?
How many O’s is allowed in a WOOO… before it is considered inappropriate?
Don’t break the website, your ‘O’ key, or sprain your finger. Otherwise, have fun.
42
Ric Flair’s been champ 16 times, so…
http:/
You were supposed to throw that Aaron.
I’m ok with the ty run. ☺
A touchdown! I’ll take it!
Charmfumble!
THOSE LA CHARGERS, I CALL THEM FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER, BECAUSE THEY’RE A MAN-MADE ABOMINATION THAT NO ONE WANTS.
This’ll end in a fg.
Loud Packers neighbor was screaming in what sounds like agony over the Packers recovering that.
I’m so confused.
a black guy got credit
Potential murder in progress?
BDSM fan?
Perhaps you’ve just forgotten what Fans sound like when their team makes a good play
Well, joy is a foreign concept to me…
Man, fantasy football has made me somewhat less interesting. It’s like my friends in high school talking about their D&D characters. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
Whatever.