Your NFC East Division Slugfest-Orama Football Open Thread

Boy howdy has this been a day. I bid a very warm welcome to the new commenters that have done some quality yakking on this here blog earlier today. Strong start, fellas. Keep up with the funny. Me? I spent the majority of the day ignoring my family’s wants and needs. They’ve come to expect that beginning (continuing?) in the fall just as the leaves turn. We’ve come to a nice arrangement. The games themselves today were equal parts extraordinary physical displays and mind-bending mental errors. Thankfully I’m equally entertained by both. This football fan did not go hungry. Well, the last tilt of the day is before us. Shall we? TO THE GAME!

The Mighty Giants/Dall-ass: Difference-maker Old Dirty Beckham is a game timer but I sure hope he limps on to the field if only to serve as a distraction for the Cowboys D. His presence alone will make things easier for the Giants. If he’s not there using up the double team then Dallas can free up another defender to attack the basically immobile Eli. That wouldn’t be good. DAK!, Dez and Zeke ran roughshod over everyone else in the league but managed to put up only 26 points against the G-men last year. That said, both games were easily winnable last year. Dallas has lost some guys in the secondary while New York has upgraded at rb, te and wr. I hope that’ll be enough to squeeze out what will no doubt be a tight affair. I’ll say 21-17 Giants. Oh, and Eli will definitely throw an interception. Book it.

Damn. I had all kinds of fun today-let’s keep that ball rolling. LET’S DO THIS!!!

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Romonobyl

Speaking of hot taeks, next time you make hamburgers, mix a beaten egg into the meat before making teh patties. Trust me on this.

Sharkbait

First you had my curiosity. Now you have my attention

Romonobyl

It works.

Spur

Are those fake air intakes on that Camry?

Duchess

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Dick E. Phuck

That Jones boy’s birth was probably similar to an Uruk’hai birthing session.

Doktor Zymm

The thing about working for tech companies….no one watches football. Seriously, there are like….2 people I can talk to about football shit. I doubt this will get better at my new job.

Sharkbait

That’s why you come here during work. We all do.

ballsofsteelandfury

young Jones there looks like a Menendez brother.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Which one?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
trollsoharduniversity

That’s intentional. Corporate symettry between the NFL and NBC

Shogun Marcus

Oh look, another Jones spawn that should be drowned.

Duchess

Ok Hot Taek

Does anyone else think JJ Watt is getting as bit too much credit for putting his name on a website? As an expat Texan I do appreciate the giving, but that money was more than likely going to be given anyway.

Unsurprised

JJ Watt can fuck himself to death.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

As an expat asshole who when paying for goods at Walgreens with a debit card pressed no when asked to donate money to the red cross, I appreciate doing anything.

Gratliff

A true case of “less is more” right there

LemonJello

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Spur

Cowboys hold the Giants to a FG
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Duchess

I never understood the show because I kept thinking wait so Aria is dating her teacher and everyone is just kind of cool with it. Like really yeah I know in real like the actors are all in their 20’s but Ezra should have been on “To Catch a Predator”

trollsoharduniversity

Bob Macadoo is darkest timeline Pat Riley.

King Hippo

way to make that chip shot a…chippier shot

make it snow

Designed sack!

Doktor Zymm

The worst part? The Cowboys totally fell apart without Romo, but now they’ve rebuilt in such a way that taking out a particular part won’t cripple them. It’s sense and it’s annoying as fuck and I hope they all eat some e. coli spinach and zeke slips on his own puke and busts an ACL

Romonobyl

So…not a fan?

Doktor Zymm

I’m a totally different bladed spinning device

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Richard Gere considers gerbils that, so it’s open to interpretation.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The puke will be charged with battery.

LemonJello

And Janae Rice will apologize for her role in the whole episode.

Dick E. Phuck

The top of the McAdoo playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZNo4odMHLM

Sharkbait

Giants doing a good?

Romonobyl

Have we achieved Full Eli yet? I need to know because I still have the glasses from the eclipse. You never want to view Full Eli with the naked eye.

King Hippo

wait until Q4 when he’s in the hurry-up

Doktor Zymm

And in the role of bored person : ODB

LemonJello

Is he on the outs with the kicking net?

Romonobyl

I’m back. This is the LAST fucking time I agree to cook before the Dallas Texas Football Cowboys home opener. I was watching the game, but no reindeer games with you fine folks.
You can relax and enjoy the game now, including my witty, and slightly distracted (beer) banter.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

I HATE YOUR TEAM BUT YOU’RE PROBABLY GOING TO WIN WELL DONE BUT ALSO FUCK YOU!! 🙂 🙁 😀 :!

Romonobyl

So a blowjob is out of the question?
NAME THAT MOVIE AND GET A PRIZE!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Good Will Hunting”

Matt Damon talking to Ben Affleck behind the scenes.

Romonobyl

No, but also probably yes.

Doktor Zymm

Grey is a great color for football pants. It’s great at hiding FAILURE

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And sharts

King Hippo

GREAT MINDS, Buddy…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Spinct alike?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hahaha

theeWeeBabySeamus

Great? Really?

King Hippo

/also sharts

Spur

Eli is gonna need a BIG glass of chocolate milk tonight.

The Maestro

No chance. Chocolate milk is for closers.

WCS

“You’ll get skim, and you’ll like it!”

LemonJello

No wintergreen flavored ice milk for Eli. Olivia says it gives him the toots and nightmares.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“You see this pack of Milanos? They’re worth more than your car!”

Unsurprised

The car is a Matchbox.

King Hippo

unflavoured malk!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

ABC = Always Bring Cookies!

Duchess

Strawberry is for failure

Gratliff

That commercial should have ended with Trump signing an EO dissolving FEMA

Dick E. Phuck

Much like my liver and my colon: I don’t give a shit about this game.

Doktor Zymm

I’m totally in line with my liver on this one, SO MUCH BILE

Sharkbait

If only the car stopped your football “career” Tim

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I remember being nine years old when I had my first adult experience during Week 1, 1999. The confusion of seeing someone bust in person, an old Italian man screaming in passion, and all the soft green satin that hugged my chest. Sigh…

I was sad when Vinny Testaverde tore his achilles.

Doktor Zymm

I simultaneously do and do not want to ask for more details. Or did you just watch Blue Velvet?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh no, innuendo aside, it went down.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Hey, CB, who are the 49rs rivals? Also, once I move to where you’re at, we should get beers.

WCS

Jed York

ballsofsteelandfury

Lindsey Von is still skiing? I thought she retired to give crappy handjobs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

Moose!
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Spur

That was a creepy episode

Brocky

I don’t know who this is, but I want to add her on snap chat

Doktor Zymm

IF I did become a Raiders fan, who would I be supposed to hate?

Doktor Zymm

Also, who would write the DC previews?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Dan Snyder

Doktor Zymm

Eek!

Duchess

That’s Mr. Snyder to you, sir.

ballsofsteelandfury

Denver/Hippo and Moose

Or not

Doktor Zymm

Eh, I can’t hate a team named after horse stuff. I don’t think this will work.

ballsofsteelandfury

chiefs/ bbq?

I see your dilemma.

Doktor Zymm

No, that would basically be the same as becoming an Eagles fan. Just….no.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Coach McAdoo how do you adjust after a brutal first half?”
“Oh I just go in my office and move my sac from left to right so it doesn’t chafe, Pam.”

Covalent Blonde

Hello. I heard that this is where the funnies are for talk of the foosball?

Doktor Zymm

When the Cows are winning, humor is our only refuge

WCS

Eh. Only when Lil’ WCS hits a bunch of random keys on Lappy here.

Also, hello.

The Maestro

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Doktor Zymm

The best thing about having a kid? No one is really sure what you mean when you say Lil’ WCS

The Maestro

Howdy, CB! Welcome back!

Spur

Gotta say, the Giants D is arguably the best in the league… that the Cowboys scored 16 unanswered in the first half is a big deal. Cowboys need TDs not FGs.

Doktor Zymm

THESE GIANTS I CALL THEM MY WHISKEY BOTTLE BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH FUCKING EMPTY AND IT PISSES ME OFF

WCS

Time to open that wine, and continue to make bad decisions!

Unsurprised

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NATO Pats Fan

Laundry reminder. Go move your stuff to the dryer.

...

Washers need buzzers like dryers!

Sharkbait

I never understood why they dont alert you when they’re done.

...

Hey look a voice of sanity.

Doktor Zymm

Mine makes a dinging noise

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Ben McAdoo looks like a male prostitute in a Harmony Korine movie.

WCS

Dallas is going to lose this, right?

Doktor Zymm

IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK ABOUT IT!

The Maestro

Man, I hope so. If only to see Jerral’s eyes pop out of his skull in rage.

ballsofsteelandfury

As sure as Eli is munching on an orange right now.

Dick E. Phuck

Ben McAdoo: [Writes a petition boycotting the ‘IT’ remake because they cut out the Gangbang scene.]

LemonJello

Gottdamnit! How about some spoiler tags next time?

Gratliff

Gints are failing, but I don’t see any knees bending the wrong direction. What’s even the point of this game?

Doktor Zymm

Right?!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The point is in Ben McAdoo’s pants facing the high school band performing at halftime.

LemonJello

Ol Dubble J: “Halftime? Well, let’s git to the hookers & blow buffet!”

“YeeHawwww, I am fuckin crazy!”

Doktor Zymm

I should probably test out this shot glass before I donate it. It would be cruel to donate a non-functional shot glass

Sharkbait

Solid logic.

LemonJello

JPP came up just a finger short on that play.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

He really blew that one.

NATO Pats Fan

Goddammit.

/tosses half-finished handsbreadth joke into the trash

Spur

DAK DAK DAK

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Ben McAdoo trades Facts of Life hentai with Trevor Siemian.

King Hippo

OH LOOK, Los Gigantes are punting. Haven’t seen much of that tonight, have we?

...

This bar has Star Wars on VHS playing.

WCS

Is it just a loop of the catina scene?

...

No full movie with CC on.

WCS

Have a drink for Gold 2 for me.

Redshirt

That may be one of the last working VHS players in existence.

Doktor Zymm

Are you at Delilahs? I don’t know where else hase VHS

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

At Samson’s in Toronto we have Brokeback Mountain on a cum-stained DVD. Can’t get the bugger out!

...

*single Family Fuel X appears across screen*

Spur

Announcers are right, if i’m OBJ i ask for a raise and then cut my hair.

Sharkbait

No ice cream for Eli tonight.

Redshirt

“Hey! Karate Kid’s on. AH! Its the crappy Jaden Smith version.”

And that’s the story of how I broke my TV.

Doktor Zymm

WItten’s success can have only one result. Hipsters will want to emulate his salt and pepper beard, and you can’t use some sort of normal bleach or whatever, USE MERCURY. And they all go crazy and die.

ballsofsteelandfury

If only he played for the 49ers…

Doktor Zymm

Nothing good comes from the Cowboys being the best NFC East team. BRING FORTH THE ANCIENT HORROR TO EAT THE SUN AND THE MOON AND THE WORLD AND DROWN US ALL IN THE SEA

Spur

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King Hippo

counterpoint:

DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!

Unsurprised

Why not both?

Dakashima Disaster

Doktor Zymm

Dak is on my bench. HE SHALL NOT BEAT CAM OR FUCK AN AVOCADO JUST BECAUSE IT LOOKS TASTY AND FUCKABLE!

ballsofsteelandfury

Spoken liked a true Redacteds fan.

You should really should become a Raiders fan when you move out west.

ballsofsteelandfury

Should

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Dok Hole

ballsofsteelandfury

I think that’s something else…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hope it’s not filled with spikes and East Bay stoners.

Doktor Zymm

Not yet!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I heard Dr. Death is a vajazzler in his spare time.

Doktor Zymm

Honestly, my main reservation about switching allegiances…..I don’t think I could learn the rivalry hate for a new division.

FUCK THE COWBOYS BUT NOT IN THEIR FUCK HOLES!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m confident in your ability to adjust.

Duchess

Having “reservations” is such a [*Redacted] thing to do.

Doktor Zymm

I was waiting for someone to make that joke, congrats! You are the winner!

Duchess

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theeWeeBabySeamus

At least my weed guy will be happy.
So I got that going for me.

ballsofsteelandfury

Old Man Witten rides again!