Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 1, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)

The terribleness is at least mildly abated, as we have professional football once again.  And the people said “amen.”  Except for Bengals and Humps fans.  Sweet Baby Jeebus, that was brutal.

Or really, let’s start with the Savage Garden.  Unsurprisingly, Clemson’s Deshaun Watson was deemed not quite ready to start right away as a rookie, especially on a team that could plausibly win a so-so division with a placeholder QB.  That patience…lasted all of one half, as the Jaguar defense burned Houston’s Savage…Garden…down.  It was a very sad thing.  Watson managed one 2nd half score to DeAndre Hopkins, but the 29-7 final was, if anything, an understatement of JAX’ physical dominance.  Woopsie doodle.

But Red Rocket! and the Cincy OL had an equally horrible, no-good afternoon, getting blanked at home by their hated rival Ratbirds.  There was no 2nd half AJ McCarron sighting, but there easily could have been.  What an ugly start for a fanbase no doubt hoping to get the bottom of Boomer Sooner’s cleats off they minds.  Contrary to my expectations, LSU’s Fournette looked quite good in his debut.

Damn, I almost forgot…Carson Palmer, today’s turnover machine extraordinaire.  Is the end finally here for the guy I always get confused with Andy Dalton?  Did fucking David Johnson screw up his wrist for more than one week?  These questions will make the difference between AZ having a week to forget and being 2-14 fodder.  On the other hand, Detroit looks to have an actual football team to surround Fatty Stafford, for a change.  But again…time will tell.

Sometimes, at a fantasy football auction, you end up bidding on players you don’t actually want.  Kirk Cousins can eat shit and die.

Perhaps the most intriguing early game, in terms of “both sides could be alive deep in the post-season” was Oakland at Tennessee.  And somewhat surprising to this Hippo…the Raiders dominated start to finish.  Carr was excellent, Lynch did his old-school thing, the defense was indeed improved.  Los Titanicos didn’t look bad so much as Oakland just took it to them.  The top of the AFC West looks like a very rough neighbourhood so far.

How did we make it this far down without discussing #ThePauls?  They were indeed much, much better today.  That still was 3 points short at home v. Yinzburgh, but they didn’t get laughed off the field as many expected.  Kizer seemed…at least competent.  The defense…actually defended.  In short, it looked like The Factory came up with a design for an actual football team instead of a tax writeoff.  Antonio Brown is still a demigod for PIT, and he is their entire offense at this point.

The less said about Bills/Jets, the better.  I’m sorry, NY state.

The Giraffe certainly did enough today to stave off the rabid howlings of Chicagoland’s Biscuit Truthers for a few weeks.  A near-perfect 3-minute drive got the Bears to within 1st and goal of a 1-point win, but 2 drops (one incredibly hard catch, one easy one) and then terrible RT play on 4th down killed the dream and kept maybe 15% of your Suicide pool alive.  But the real story of the day was the Bears producing yet another “where’d that guy come from??” killer running back, with folk singer Leonard Cohen showing surprising wiggle (and blackness!) on the field, giving the team another dimension and fans a reason to watch, at least.

Drunk on Saturday night, I advised betting the family farm on RAMIT!!! to cover.  I took them in both of my Suicide pools (though I did lose with the P*ts in “Loser”).  I picked up they D/ST to start in place of the Chefs Week One (planned to cut them, but now??).  Did I in my wildest imagination see 46-9?  Christ on his throne, no!  I mean, a Wade Phillips defense (even sans Aaron Donald) v. the corpse of Scott Tolzien seemed rather unfair.  There were rumblings that Baby Buster had “made that jump” that 2nd year QBs sometimes make after sucking really bad (if they don’t remain in Tim Couch or Ryan Leaf territory).  But the aforementioned defense terrorized the Humps for 2 TDs and a safety, surrendering only a late score when Black HODOR! came into the game.  SPOILER: I absolutely fucking love Jacoby Brissett and plan to immediately insert him as my fantasy starter – yes, I do own him in my auction league.  But back to less niche stuff…I admit I may have been rash burying him last season, and Baby Buster’s balls may have indeed dropped.  His arm strength is still…Penningtonian, but he was King Laserface-level precise this week, and made excellent decisions.  These shits, and their dozens of homeless “fans,” just might make it to 9-7 and the NFCW title.

Cam Newton didn’t belong on the field Saturday afternoon.  It seemed like he could barely use his fucking right arm.  And Carolina still whipped San Fran 23-3.  New Year, same fucking Fighting Tomsulas.  I will give Kyle Shanahan credit for going for it on 4th down a lot (around midfield), he did at least try to win the game, not just lose most respectably.  That’s quite admirable.  But they have, like, no playmakers on offense.

Green Bay/Seattle was terrible footballing, terribly officiated, and kept pissing me off from a fantasy perspective.  As much shit as we give them, Rodgers and Charmslinger are really remarkable QBs, though.  Tis a game they were surrounded by so much absolute poo this Week One.  Do Better, Everyone.  Oh, Packers win 17-9, with Rodgers taking charge down the stretch and not letting RW get his hands on the ball again.

There’s no nice way to say this…without OBJ, Elisha is poopy.  DAK! managed the game, using that good canned-ham head we know he has on his shoulders.  Didn’t make for great teevee, though.

Monday night marathon awaits, fuckers.  Nap accordingly.

King Hippo
King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

Leave a Reply

Notify of
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Oh, worth mentioning from the Raiders game – fatty’s replacement “It’s a-me” Georgio Tavecchio went 4 for 4 including two 52-yarders. Nice debut.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Took me a second; SeaBass, not Fat Stafford is being referenced here, right?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

As someone who didn’t watch a moment of football yesterday, and with little future plans to do so, I am very much looking forward to finding out how badly the Football Clippers lost here each Monday morning.

comment image

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Hey, how ’bout those…Padres?

Oh Christ that can’t be right.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

They’re on an upswing! They’ll actually be competitive in two years!

comment image

Mmmm, my coffee burns, and it’s not very hot.

scotchnaut
Member

Friggin’ Giants O is going nowhere. It’s not lost on me that the Giants have the NFC East’s worst qb.

Don T
Member

I only saw the first half. Eli looked like he really REALLY wanted to avoid getting hit.

scotchnaut
Member

He’s turned into an Alex Smithian Checkdown Charlie type.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

With that OL and really only OBJ as a legitimate weapon I can understand it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Also worth noting – Tony Romo was surprisingly solid on the Raiders-Titans broadcast and is getting a lot of love for it.

Don T
Member

He was a wonderful Raiders cheerleader (“Time out Oakland!”), but he was enthusiastic–which I like, usually. He’s already pro-level inane (during the 2nd QRT: “This game will come down to a couple of drives or plays”). WHICH IS IT? 🚬😡🚬

Your team’s a pleasure to watch. In any other circumstance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A woman announcer for the Donks tonight; can’t wait for the mouthbreathers to chime in on this one. It should be extra special, if the Dr. Who and Ghostbuster fanbases lost their shit, football idiots will certainly pants-shit across this nation.

comment image

litre_cola
Member

Our lord and saviour Jesus Wentz took it to the Redacteds. Insert you like that joke.

Doktor Zymm
Member

First Monday morning hangover of the season! Ugh, seriously, not going to do this again, even if it’s another NFC East night game.

blaxabbath
Member

Menudo.

blaxabbath
Member

These questions will make the difference between AZ having a week to forget and being 2-14 fodder.

::Check schedule::
:::Sees ARI plays SF twice:::

Yep! 2-14 sounds about nats ass!

yeah right
Member

The best part of watching Green Bay and Seattle is each time either quarterback was knocked down it brought so much joy to my twisted soul.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Watching the free preview of Directv’s Sunday Ticket was like seeing an old girlfriend at a random restaurant. You remembered the good times (RedZone) and the bad times (individual game broadcasts. Seriously, they’re unwatchable.) and then you go back home and make mad passionate love to your new girlfriend (watch AFL replay of West Coast – Port Adelaide) and realize you made the right decision in dumping the ex.

It was an interesting day.

Don T
Member

That Raiders – Titanes tilt was a professional affair. No turnovers, each team had only five penalties for 49 yds. Last year both were penalty machines. One thing pissed me off: OAK outmuscled TEN at home. So we got Beast Mode classic–what are ya gonna do? Guy balls hard.
Raiders look solid. TEN, let’s say it was an adequate LET’S BUILD ON THIS game, at the absolute best time. Hidden very bad clock management moment for Del Rio at the end of the first half (2 minutes left, TEN has 1st and goal; OAK calls no time outs? 🐟-y). But TEN bailed them out with bad kickoff coverage–

Screw it. Football’s back. Life is easygoing again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I couldn’t be happier with how the Raiders looked yesterday. Marshawn looked great, the secondary was much better than I’d feared, and then there was this:

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Duchess
Member

Hippo has more thoughts instantly than I do after an hour.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

It’s the masturbation.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

The Browns were surprisingly competent on defence, but methinks they sacrificed a goat to BLEERGH in pregame preparations. The Steelers had more penalty yards through three quarters than actual offense yards.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Yay foar Hippo brain.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

wpDiscuz