2017 Quotables – Week 1 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Lotta football action this weekend. Some results were expected (Browns lost), some were surprises (Alex Smith airing it out), and some were shocking but not at all surprising (Bears unable to convert from 1st and Goal to win). As a result, power rankings have been revised and your Week 2 extremes are:

Top 5: PIT, GB, KC, NE, ATL
Bottom 5: IND, SF, CLE, CHI, BUF (NYJ doesn’t count because they aren’t even trying to win)

Personally, I’m just glad there’s talent in both conferences this year. That about it, really, as I suck at fantasy football and the Cardinals are going to play so bad that they’ll flirt with the bottom five but will still manage not to get a much-needed quarterback from the top-heavy 2018 class.

Anyways, Romo had his chance so now it’s your turn — here are your Week 1 Quotables.


Oakland Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch has fun in his first regular season game back in the NFL.

Atlanta Falcons tight end Austin Hooper scores a touchdown against the Chicago Bears.

The New York Jets return an interception against the Buffalo Bills.

San Diego Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers calls a time out in a game against the Denver Broncos.

San Francisco 49ers Coach Kyle Shanahan expresses displeasure with the officials in a game against the Carolina Panthers.

Arizona Cardinals running back David Johnson is injured in a game against the Detroit Lions

Vikings quarterback Sam Bradford completes a pass to Stefon Diggs against the New Orleans Saints.

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Alex Smith is in the NFL but Colin Kaepernick is not.

 

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
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I give this episode of Honey and the Beaze 4 thumbs up!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“Huh? No, I’m not going to get Kubiak’d, fuck you!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Didn’t realize Bradford was such a fan of Honey Smacks

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Whoops, now the center is pregnant

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Oh, and one of my favorite jokes from last night:
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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT – Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I told you this template had legs.

ballsofsteelandfury
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Vikings – Saints :

Sam, “and then you finish in 69 position. Just make sure to hang on to the balls.”
Stefon,”Can you please stop stealing plays from Green Bay?”

MitchKissingTitsbisky
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MitchKissingTitsbisky

I have no idea how to post gifs but in regards to the Bears gif “the defense helping the offense who is watching from the sideline what to expect when facing Chris conte in the Tampa secondary”

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

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/Makes a satisfying ‘coconuts bonking together’ sound.

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

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Shown here is a textbook version of the seven step trip play

Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

seven step “drop” also works

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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Hey coach, takes an incompetent asswipe to know one and at least I’m only one part time.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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At least Shanny’s wife won’t be the only one complaining about a limp, non-working Johnson.

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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Talk about adding injury to insult. Of course the Jest can’t do anything in the correct order.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Who said “the logo is lava?”

Enrico Pallazzo
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I don’t know where the Hot Potato Hall of Fame is located, but Marmalard is a first ballot inductee.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Coeur d’Alene?

SonOfSpam
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“Yep, the best way to score on a Bear is to push his head down then go til you finish.”

– Aaron Rodgers

King Hippo
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WINNER WINNER (get this man a chicken dinner)

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Yeah, shut this one down. It’s perfect.

King Hippo
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Yes indeed-y, that’s the J-E-T-S commemorating 9/11 weekend for ya.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Center: “It won’t work, man.”
Running Back: “Don’t do it, dude.”
Laserface: “Watch.” *stomp stomp clap…stomp stomp clap…stomp stomp clap*
HUH!?! AHHHH! MY TRUE LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US? KEEP THESE HEATHENS AND SODOMITES AWAY FROM ME!

King Hippo
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Hey, no problem, get Matt Dayes FOAR your last bench spot. It will be fun. You can always pick up Kerwynn WIlliams later if you need to, right??

/Hippo has top score Week 1, goes 1-13

King Hippo
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ooooooh oooooooooooh, witchy wooo-man

HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“I felt a great disturbance, like millions of fantasy owners crying out, then suddenly…silence.”

nomonkeyfun
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The Jets could get give themselves an STI while masturbating.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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When you said “wrist injury could keep Johnson out of action for months” I thought this was going in an entirely different direction.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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My condolences to people who were excited when they grabbed him.

nomonkeyfun
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“Do you know who my father is?”

nomonkeyfun
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Damn, white men REALLY can’t dace.

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I mean really.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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THIS GUY MARSHAWN LYNCH I CALL HIM MICHAEL FLYNN CAUSE HE’S HASN’T SAID A WORD TO THE MEDIA IN AGES AND HIS REACTION TO THE SCHEME BREAKING DOWN IS TO FLIP!

Senor Weaselo
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James Harrison was fined $50,000 for that somersault.

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“Everybody do the Marmalard Raaaag…”

Brocky
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I feel like this is the universe’s way of punishing those who auto drafted johnson #1 overall, as he was ranked ahead of glory boy bell

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Shanny: “Do you know who I am? I drive a Dodge Stratus!”
Ref: “Go hump someone else’s leg, Chokachee Chief!”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Here you go, Diggs, a gift from me to you. Uhh, sh*t, I wish I could have that back now.”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Applesauce and properly administered dental floss, indeed.

/All glory to RTD for coining that term

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Well that’s an easy way to get a +1 from me.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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But let’s not forget that Low Commander was the one who coined the original term “applesauce” – https://doorfliesopen.com/2015/09/11/andy-reid-arrives-late-to-practice/

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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LemonJello
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LemonJello

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J-E-S-T! JEST! JEST! JEST!

/It’s no Buttfumble, but that’ll do pig, that’ll do.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Alternate 2, Going to Hell version: “I guess two Jets crashing into each other is a somewhat appropriate 9-11 tribute.”

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Alternate: Yakety Sax plays through stadium PA system.

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