Trying a new feature this year folks, as many of you know, I like to complain. The weather, sports, politics, nothing ever seems to be good enough for Brocky. Naturally this extends to fantasy football, the thing that is supposed to distract me from those things. Such misfortune can’t possibly be the result of my own ineptitude, therefore it can only happen due to divine intervention. That’s right, I’m blaming my fantasy woes on god, and I’ll be posting every Tuesday how the big man upstairs did me wrong. I made some comments about this last year, now its morphed into a full feature
The Scene: Heaven
God: Jesus my son, would you please come over here, I feel your wisdom is necessary.
Jesus: Thank goodness, we can finally get started on all these hurricanes happening on earth and…
God: What? Hurricanes, no my child, those are fine the way they are. I have to do something about Florida you see…. never mind, this week is very important, and it shall require my divine attention…
Jesus: Well, what could be more important on earth than those hurricanes? The ever present threat of all out Nuclear war on Earth? Famine and hunger ravaging the planet? what task are you pursuing?
God: “Well, you see”, (slowing breaking into a grin) “the nfl started this week, so I think its important that I…”
God: that’s right, I’m going to be personally tampering with Brocky’s fantasy season, he must be punished
Jesus: Father, hasn’t he suffered enough? After the ultimate punishment last year, his anguish is reaching cataclysmic levels
Side note: the “ultimate punishment” from last year was the fact that I led my league in fantasy points, but still missed the playoffs due to a lack of head to head wins. Everyone had their best games while playing me. This is not hyperbole.
Jesus just walks off muttering to himself, God continues to talk
God: “anyways, lets see what we got here” whips out Brocky’s draft results “First round pick, Julio Jones? Decent selection, but he took him at number 3, when Antonio Brown was available, and who was naturally taken at number 4. Oh, we gotta do something about this:
Snaps Fingers, Week 1, Brocky goes up against the person drafting right after me, Jones gets 4 catches for 66 yards, no TDs, while Brown gets 11 catches for 182 yards.
God: Lets see what else we can do here, Oh, Brocky is also going against the Jaguars Defense?
God: “Oh, well I know the answer to that”
Snaps fingers, Jaguars get 10 sacks, 5 turnovers and a defensive td.
God: Okay, lets see, hmm, Brocky seems confident that his idea of “sleeper picks” will pan out for him, the same instinct that led him to draft Devonta Freeman and Jordan Howard their rookie years, lets see, he’s thinking Kevin White will have a breakout year, and Purple Jesus will return to form with his change of venue?
Snaps Fingers, Kevin white gets injured making his second catch, he doesn’t have enough yards to get any additional points. Peterson averaged 3 yards a carry against the vikings
God: Alright, now that that’s taken care of, time to return to something more important, time to turn on the not so old television
God: Oh man, this is gonna be so awesome! BAZINGA!
God: There. Brocky starts the season 0-1. That’s what you get for using such a lame fantasy name:
(Don’t judge me)
God: And for extra shits and giggles, let’s have him win his non money leagues. The ones he autodrafted.