Your Third Round of NFL Action Open Thread

Good golly Miss Molly, the hits, they keep on coming! The western divisions of each conference get a tussle though one might be a wee bit more relevant that t’udder. TO THE GAMES!

 

SF/ARI: Carlos Hyde has a banged up hip but is expected to play. Still, look for rook rb Matt Breida to get at least 10 touches so that he can lighten the load. If the Niners running game falters then all is for naught because the graceless inadequacy of Bobby Hoying mans the qb spot. Cards qb Palmer had himself a game last week by leaning heavily on wr Fitzgerald. The faint hope among Arizony backers is that Carson can keep it going for a period of time.

Phi/LAC: Rb’s Blount and Smallwood (RIP, Tiny Darren) were happy to see the Chiefs KHunt tear the Chargers a new a-hole in the run game to the tune of 172 yards on just 10 carries. LA’s newest embarrassment is allowing an average of 146 yards per game on the ground. The over/under on the game is 43-that’s the line on how many paying customers will bother to show their pieholes at the game.

NYG/TB: These guys have but one win to show between them but share some ugly tendencies. The Giants lost on a 61 yarder as time expired and the Bucs were doubled up by the Vikes 34-17. All Pro cb Jenkins is back among the healthy and may have to take on Mike Evans. Eli Apple matches up better size-wise but not ability-wise. We’ll see. Perhaps Evans can do the G-men another solid like he did last year and drop the ball 4/5 times. I’m not holding my breath for that to happen though.

Oak/Den: Speaking of dropped passes, the league leader is one Amari Cooper with six. There will be an extra burden on him today because it looks as though cohort Crabtree is a no-go. Say a prayer for Broncs’ right tackle Menelik Watson-he’s given up a half-dozen sacks already this year and will be staring at Khalil Mack all game long.

 

Get it done, you rascally rascals.

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King Hippo

Hippo back from picking up ingrate asshole kid. Donks makin’ me nervous.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hopefully it was your kid.
Do you need new ID or whatever?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pretty sure he tagged the kid like a dolphin in a research project

King Hippo

nah, ain’t nobody else takin’ that one and paying for all her fucking vegan food

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Uncle Ed once said, “You know, the nickname ‘Too Tall’ Jones is pretty awesome? You know what the worst one was? Glenn ‘Tiny Dick’ Foley.”

Dick E. Phuck

Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Or Mark “STD” Carrier

Brick Meathook

Booger McFarland
Lester “The Molester” Hayes

Gratliff

Oh goddamn that knee

blaxabbath

Chandler Jones just wrecked Hoyer’s knee.

GOOD THING I STARTED CJ BETHARD IN FANTASY!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

bethard.com, the only live porno gambling site

Dick E. Phuck

Hot teen gets blackjacked.

Horatio Cornblower

OK everyone, that’s the 11 minute mark of the 3rd quarter, and that means we are DRINKIN’ A BEER!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E7yQ-ciiqk
/one of the funniest episodes of anything I’ve seen

Unsurprised

Cam beat the Patriots? Cool. My hatred of humanity and football has been slightly reduced.

blaxabbath

“We’re gonna win so much –”

“YOU LET THAT UPPITY NEGRO WIN IN GILLETTE! WE DEMAND YOU MAKE PUERTO RICO PAY!”

Dick E. Phuck

Wayne Gallman really has some stones catching that touchdown like that.

Unsurprised

What Gall, man.

blaxabbath

Just to make sure — Geostorm is going to be absolutely terrible, right?

WCS

It’s going to make Manos: The Hands of Fate look like Silence of the Lambs.

...

Oh my God yes.

/pre-orders ticket

Brick Meathook

RIVERS MELTDOWN

Brick Meathook

Free play for Rivers so he throws it long and out of bounds.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Sounds like Cosby’s dalliances.

WCS

“HUH?! WHAT!? FUCK YOU, CHARLATAN! NO BODY FLOATS BETTER THAN KING LASERFACE!”

Unsurprised

Pennywise begs to differ.

Horatio Cornblower

“I wish he’d do that with us once and a while”
-The tattered remains of Mrs. Rivers’s uterus

Spur

Nice little nap. What i miss? Anyone ded?

The Maestro

Dalvin Cook really ded

WCS

So is Drew’s liver. Probably yeah right’s, too.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently it’s just an ACL.

Said the guy who’s never hurt his ACL.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Broncos absolutely humiliating the Raiders in every facet of the game but only up by 3.

Brick Meathook

Here’s a pretty cool sweep play I drew up. I think I can get the Chargers to pay me for it.

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

ALL RIGHT BOYS YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS LET’S DO IT… JANORIS JENNNNNNNNNNNNKINS

Dick E. Phuck

Least I have Chicken

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it would be awesome if Tony Romo described a lousy play as “laying a big ol’ Musburger”.

Col. Duke LaCross

Stubhub looks like the practice field in Madden.

Gratliff

Rivers in full rage mode

Sharkbait

Is one if his kids dancing to the devil’s music?

hippofant

Taylor Swift?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He learned the Cutlerfucker is making the same salary to lead his team to zero points?

Shogun Marcus

Rumor is we’re off to the in-laws for ribs. We really don’t wanna, but no cooking or dishes wins. Laziness ftw!

WCS

Be sure to use a bib.

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...

This reminds me of my idea to get a Stonecutters symbol tattooed on my ass.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sounds like part of the DFO Vegas itinerary

blaxabbath

The short earning window of NFL players is why they’ll never even come close to challenging ownership when they crack the whip.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You mean I’ve been an NFL Owner this whole time?”

– Adrian Peterson

Sharkbait
Senor Weaselo

Fuck yeah?

...

From a tweet in the comments:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Holy shit, Bucs

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

Hoyer sucks.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I know, right?

-N. Pelosi, San Francisco

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Romonobyl

Pulling shit out and reheating, AKA refrigerator hash.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just took a shit, does that count?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Romonobyl

How would you find the restrooms?

WCS
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

“NON-INFLAMMABLE”

Wait, what?

Romonobyl

Why the fuck don’t I have Eli and Co. here? Guess I’ll have to strea…I mean, check my other channels.

Romonobyl

I got $20 that Elway can’t say “Wilbur” using only 2 syllables.

Dick E. Phuck

Eli “The Galloping Ghost” Manning

Senor Weaselo

Eli… scrambledown?

Senor Weaselo

Beckham not dead, but definitely not happy.

Romonobyl

It’s nice that they hand the PA mic to Elway after every good Denver play.

Gratliff

Oh fuck. Leave his hand alone

Gratliff

They’re loud as shit over at Lincoln Financial Field West

hippofant

Honestly, I’m just watching Jason Peters block.

herodotus450

Damn, my sports internet score bearing wobsite showed the phi-LAc game to be 13-1, but it turned out to just be a temporary glitch.

Smithchez

Expect the unexpected that is what everybody would expect with the unexpected added bonus of tiring out your own players!

Dick E. Phuck

It’s like the offensive play calling is being controlled by a dunce who doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Smithchez

Ah yes, the fantasy juggernauts that are Philip Rivers and Tyrell Williams

Gratliff

Ah, never change Eagles. High end D-line, barely serviceable linebackers, and even rumored to have a secondary.

Senor Weaselo

They run the quick play on 3rd down, and lose yardage. The New York Giants!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Watching Giants-Bucs in an airport lounge is a suboptimal way to spend a Sunday

King Hippo

few things are more American

/also, awkwardly hit on someone FOAR me why dontcha

hippofant

Doing it while eating a cheeseburger, then getting tazed by overzealous airport cops.

hippofant

Scratch the cheeseburger. Make it a McRib. And add, “while yelling about First Amendment rights and how this is a free country!”

Brick Meathook

No make it a $17 club sandwich

blaxabbath

2A rights are more important.

Because words don’t do enough to black people.

hippofant

I was thinking, who would try to assert their second amendment rights in an airport, but then, Americans.

Romonobyl

Damned pricey drunk too.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nope, actually. Booze is free in the “priority pass” lounges. Singleton is not my whisky of choice, but I’ll take 3 when it’s free.

WCS

Detroit beat Minny, RAMMIT RAMMED the Ol’ DOUBLE J’s, the Bills knocked out the Falcons in Megatron’s ass, and Carolina defeated the GREATRIOTS. The J-E-S-T are 2-2, and I have no idea what the crap’s going on in the AFC South.

Football’s weird.

King Hippo

you just remember that fellow pillhead visionquested RRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! first

King Hippo

GO NINERS!!!

Fading Palmer and the Birdcano D/ST

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently the Raiders didn’t watch the tape of last week’s loss to the [*Redacted] s. What’s that saying about history repeating itself?

King Hippo

apparently IN-COM-PLETE!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s ok if you’re a white person?

King Hippo

Wil Parks does a good!

Smithchez

So I know stranger things have not happened, but I’m at the summit of this current crazy fucking Jets rollercoaster so, it’s not……totally impossible for a Josh McCown-led team to win it all, right? Like, we never thought the Earth was round until we did (with some insanely stupid exceptions). Or that Bartolo Colon would ever hit a home run? Please help me talk myself into this, because I’m very confused right now.

King Hippo

not only possible but probable when u stop and think about it

Smithchez

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Brick Meathook

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Smithchez

Whoo! Exploding on impact ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!

ArmedandHammered

In an infinite universe and infinite multiverses, all things are possible.

King Hippo

my kicker sucks today SIGH

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“My kicker sucks every day.”

– Chargers coach (can’t remember his name)

King Hippo

Giants really can’t cover TE, can they?