Are we feeling a wee bit boozy/dizzy/pilly/queasy/silly yet? If you’re not you’ve got some work to do, my friend. There’s still a ton of the football left that you can use as an excuse to do what you will. Take advantage. Lock that kid in his room. Take off those damn pants. Open up that bag of (chocolate) chips. The living room is your oyster! TO THE GAMES!
Bal/Oak: What gives? Why does Derek Carr derive so much joy in derailing a promising Raiders season? Was he not molested enough as a child? Whatever went wrong, there’s something not right in that kid’s head (or back, whatever) Actually, he was limited in practice this week and was willing to give it a go but the Oakland braintrust rightfully put the kibosh on that notion. Enter E to the J Manuel. [sound of balloon losing air] How does an offense switch from a capable signal-caller to a proven turnover- and mistake-prone dude that hasn’t sniffed an NFL start since ’14? [pulls sofa closer to tv] Let’s watch. I’m saying the Ravens D rules the roost today.
Sea/LAR: When you go to Jared (Goff) you get over a thousand yards passing and a 7/1 TD/INT stat. Is he available in both my money leagues? Yes. [makes clickety-clicking noises at the ‘puter] No. He is not. If he plays well against the Seasquawkers he’ll be snapped up and you’ll have missed the Goff boat. Be like me and catch your fellow fantasy opponents napping. This is the latest installment in the series, “Scotchnaut advice that could potentially go very, very wrong for you”. I do it as a service.
GB/Dal: This here tilt is your feature. Let’s leer at it as though it was a nubile, semi-nude seventeen year old backstage at the Miss Universe pageant and we had orange hair. Yeah, we can do creepy too, Mr. President! I’d have loved to have Romo announce this game-much like the contestant above, he can be quite cheeky. As for the game, the Cowboys are the more balanced and talented team but their secondary seems vulnerable and that’s where a certain Mr. Rodgers likes to do him some damage.
Go get ’em, Kiddos!
That was it? That was the Personal Foul call in Dallas? If I’m the Packers, I would ask for a 2nd chance at the hit. If I’m getting penalized for Unnecessary Roughness, I’m want to get my money’s worth.
2 sacks!
Flacco forcing it to Ben Watson like he started him in fantasy.
I swear I’m putting Sean Lee on my dead pool next year.
So the AFC North is going to be Steelers and Ravens fighting each other, Bengals nearby threatening to make this an triple-threat, and the Browns are also in the division, too.
7-9 division winner plausible
Browns have a tough match-up next week at Bowling Green.
Come on Defense. Let’s pin Rodgers to the floor. Rough him up.
Were they just playing RAMMIT in the stadium?
NOTE to self: Never, ever start the Raiders’ defense again.
“Again”?
Home against Joe Flacco and that wet toilet paper OL?
matt mcconaughey does not drive a fuckin lincoln
I fucking love that little bastard.
I do too…if I had started the fucker.
Beastley
Bad fense or good ofense? I is unsure.
NEVERMIND I FIGURED IT OUT. FFS.
Per Fleshwound:
I fuckin miss her
So the gravy will be flowing freely in Indy today.
Well, more freely than any other Sunday, maybe.
RUSSELL WILSON SUCKS ASS
Well, yeah, after that abstinence pledge he’s got a lot of time to make up for.
You’re getting that Macklemore (sp??) guy’s hopes up again.
“Russ? Call me.”
/makes phone gesture with hand while winking
Mr Rodgers, Green Bay, WI
GO CHARGERS
Is that charged? Seems naturally aspirated.
It’s naturally aspirated now.
Nothing like a fragged blower to piss off the track crew. Shit flies everywhere.
Witten runs like every 40-something uncle I’ve ever had or seen
But without the Hawaiian shirt and huge tiki tumbler full of vodka tonic.
Rams can unpeel the white horns and peel yellow horns, but the Bengals can’t take a day painting the orange on their helmets white for Color Rush.
I swear I get eliminated in week 5 EVERY FUCKING SEASON.
Fuck your dopey face Elisha.
You sound like Jeb Bush talking about the Republican primary.
You picked an 0-4 team. You picked the Giants. You picked Eli Manning.
You knew what was gonna happen!
Shitty Clippers were 0-4 too; I figured SOMEBODY gotta lose 5.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!!
Hippo you should have laid money down in Vegas. You have been RAMMMMIN it all year.
#ProcessOfElimination
/well, started that way anyhoo
Working these 70-80 hour work weeks are bullshit.
If I’m doin that, my boss better look like this
I’d think with less on, but I see where you’re going.
I’m starting to sense a legislative theme here.
I’m on board.
Jesus I cannot believe how pathetic the Raiders look today. Ravens have had the ball twice and have 21 points.
Sure, smallpox infestation sucks, but not enough for me to not take the day off tomorrow.
“Sorry, I’ll try harder next time.” -Columbus
I hope the Cowboys end Joe Bucks dick sucking of Rodgers early today.
It’s all about technique…and lots of spit.
Afternoon, gentlemen.
I was granted an 8 hour shift today. I’ve been working 12s for a few weeks now. Just finished a 76 hour work week, and last week was 84 fucking hours. I will not have a day off until November. Or so.
So fuck it, here’s some classic Erica
Nice!
What are you, a St Louis police officer?
Pretty girl but where’d they do that photo shoot, in a court house?
Looks kinda drug lord front-porchy to me.
Missed PAT? That never hurts later.
Apparently not as dead as we thought
Doink
Going out on a limb and saying that this won’t be a low scoring affair.
Ah you’re familiar with the gb defense? Might i interest you in our non-existent coverage plan?
Teh Hippo should be happy! SEE? NOT DED!
YES!! Merci buckets
Davante? Davante.
Thanks for the lineup pep talk, Shogun Marcus!!
Wow, what a grab!
I haven’t seen a cheerleader go down like that in over two decades.
OOOOh there is only 5 people left in YeahRights pool.
Great now the Cowboys are going to get fucked on a bad call.
And there it is.
So that was bullshit yes? We all agree?
Definitely
si
Unfortunately yes, beyond lame. I’m actually hoping for a parity flag.
Afternoon all, BTW.
Hai! Zettai ni.
The CBS single-game schedule today means that their afternoon slot is going to be a nationally televised network television bull riding championship.
FUCK and YEAH
(note: I always root for the bull)
“Sure, on a day I have to work. Figures.”
-A Rodgers
Doesn’t everyone?
WTF??? In Los Angeles they’re showing the stupid Rammits.
I WAS PROMISED A FUCKING RODEO FOLKS
Are there fans in LA? I think I heard a cheer.
No, that was just me screaming about the Raiders’ latest mistake.
Foodbank opened early.
What the fuck was that call?
He didn’t even HIT HIM?
Horseshit penalty there.
And Raiders have to take a timeout cause they can’t get their field goal unit on the field on time.
Chargers win!
Pack/Boys is America’s game of the week? I didn’t know Fox hated the country THAT much.
America is a country rich in self-hate.
Late day hangover has hit. Kill me.
Incoming.
No Sean Lee against Rodgers is not going to be pretty.
“No Sean, no Lee…looks like it’s gonna be a dull night.”
– Aaron Rodgers, surveying his options at The Anvil
Rikki, why’d you take me to a gay steel mill? Hell, why did you take me to a steel mill?
Go Cowboys!
Nope.
Oh, you already gave up on the game and are watching Westworld too?
A good way to make your backup quarterback feel at ease at home is to put him in a 14-0 hole.
They need to run the ball a lot to catch up I think. Beastmode can do it. All Lynch all day. This opinion has nothing to do with the fact that I need him to pull me out of the hole Tawmmy put me in on Thursday.
That last part sounded weird, yes.
Goff putting up big numbers today is likely. C-Hox have me on speed dial if they have one more injury on their defense. BeerguyRick is sitting on the sidelines, drunk and might be the new DT.
Hey look, the Raiders discovered time travel.
Can I borrow it. Me and 10-year old me needs to have a sit down.
It only takes you back 5 years. Or 6, or 7, or 8, basically from 5 to 15 years.
Good enough.
— Chip Kelly
I can work with that. At least that aged me I can beat up.
Lol, I legitimately had no idea mariotta was injured, or that Matt cassel was starting, much less in the league any more
Radio USA was broadcasting the game and were shocked, shocked i tell you! That Miami was so terrible. Clearly, they didn’t read my preview.
Cassel and Doopy Pantz have jobs. 2017 eats balls