Your Second Round of NFL Action Open Thread

Are we feeling a wee bit boozy/dizzy/pilly/queasy/silly yet? If you’re not you’ve got some work to do, my friend. There’s still a ton of the football left that you can use as an excuse to do what you will. Take advantage. Lock that kid in his room. Take off those damn pants. Open up that bag of (chocolate) chips. The living room is your oyster! TO THE GAMES!

Bal/Oak: What gives? Why does Derek Carr derive so much joy in derailing a promising Raiders season? Was he not molested enough as a child? Whatever went wrong, there’s something not right in that kid’s head (or back, whatever) Actually, he was limited in practice this week and was willing to give it a go but the Oakland braintrust rightfully put the kibosh on that notion. Enter E to the J Manuel. [sound of balloon losing air] How does an offense switch from a capable signal-caller to a proven turnover- and mistake-prone dude that hasn’t sniffed an NFL start since ’14? [pulls sofa closer to tv] Let’s watch. I’m saying the Ravens D rules the roost today.

Sea/LAR: When you go to Jared (Goff) you get over a thousand yards passing and a 7/1 TD/INT stat. Is he available in both my money leagues? Yes. [makes clickety-clicking noises at the ‘puter] No. He is not. If he plays well against the Seasquawkers he’ll be snapped up and you’ll have missed the Goff boat. Be like me and catch your fellow fantasy opponents napping. This is the latest installment in the series, “Scotchnaut advice that could potentially go very, very wrong for you”. I do it as a service.

GB/Dal: This here tilt is your feature. Let’s leer at it as though it was a nubile, semi-nude seventeen year old backstage at the Miss Universe pageant and we had orange hair. Yeah, we can do creepy too, Mr. President! I’d have loved to have Romo announce this game-much like the contestant above, he can be quite cheeky. As for the game, the Cowboys are the more balanced and talented team but their secondary seems vulnerable and that’s where a certain Mr. Rodgers likes to do him some damage.

Go get ’em, Kiddos!

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Redshirt

That was it? That was the Personal Foul call in Dallas? If I’m the Packers, I would ask for a 2nd chance at the hit. If I’m getting penalized for Unnecessary Roughness, I’m want to get my money’s worth.

Spur

2 sacks!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Flacco forcing it to Ben Watson like he started him in fantasy.

Romonobyl

I swear I’m putting Sean Lee on my dead pool next year.

Redshirt

So the AFC North is going to be Steelers and Ravens fighting each other, Bengals nearby threatening to make this an triple-threat, and the Browns are also in the division, too.

fleshwound_NPG

7-9 division winner plausible

WCS

Browns have a tough match-up next week at Bowling Green.

Spur

Come on Defense. Let’s pin Rodgers to the floor. Rough him up.

Romonobyl

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litre_cola

Were they just playing RAMMIT in the stadium?

King Hippo

NOTE to self: Never, ever start the Raiders’ defense again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Again”?

King Hippo

Home against Joe Flacco and that wet toilet paper OL?

fleshwound_NPG

matt mcconaughey does not drive a fuckin lincoln

Romonobyl

I fucking love that little bastard.

Shogun Marcus

I do too…if I had started the fucker.

Spur

Beastley

Shogun Marcus

Bad fense or good ofense? I is unsure.

Shogun Marcus

NEVERMIND I FIGURED IT OUT. FFS.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Per Fleshwound:

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fleshwound_NPG

I fuckin miss her

Romonobyl

So the gravy will be flowing freely in Indy today.

LemonJello

Well, more freely than any other Sunday, maybe.

Spur

RUSSELL WILSON SUCKS ASS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, yeah, after that abstinence pledge he’s got a lot of time to make up for.

King Hippo

You’re getting that Macklemore (sp??) guy’s hopes up again.

LemonJello

“Russ? Call me.”
/makes phone gesture with hand while winking

Mr Rodgers, Green Bay, WI

Brick Meathook

GO CHARGERS
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Shogun Marcus

Is that charged? Seems naturally aspirated.

Brick Meathook

It’s naturally aspirated now.

Romonobyl

Nothing like a fragged blower to piss off the track crew. Shit flies everywhere.

fleshwound_NPG

Witten runs like every 40-something uncle I’ve ever had or seen

Romonobyl

But without the Hawaiian shirt and huge tiki tumbler full of vodka tonic.

Redshirt

Rams can unpeel the white horns and peel yellow horns, but the Bengals can’t take a day painting the orange on their helmets white for Color Rush.

Spanky Datass

I swear I get eliminated in week 5 EVERY FUCKING SEASON.
Fuck your dopey face Elisha.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You sound like Jeb Bush talking about the Republican primary.

Redshirt

You picked an 0-4 team. You picked the Giants. You picked Eli Manning.

You knew what was gonna happen!

Spanky Datass

Shitty Clippers were 0-4 too; I figured SOMEBODY gotta lose 5.

King Hippo

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!!

litre_cola

Hippo you should have laid money down in Vegas. You have been RAMMMMIN it all year.

King Hippo

#ProcessOfElimination

/well, started that way anyhoo

fleshwound_NPG

Working these 70-80 hour work weeks are bullshit.

If I’m doin that, my boss better look like this

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Shogun Marcus

I’d think with less on, but I see where you’re going.

Brick Meathook

I’m starting to sense a legislative theme here.

Romonobyl

I’m on board.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus I cannot believe how pathetic the Raiders look today. Ravens have had the ball twice and have 21 points.

Romonobyl

Sure, smallpox infestation sucks, but not enough for me to not take the day off tomorrow.

Senor Weaselo

“Sorry, I’ll try harder next time.” -Columbus

Spur

I hope the Cowboys end Joe Bucks dick sucking of Rodgers early today.

Romonobyl

It’s all about technique…and lots of spit.

fleshwound_NPG

Afternoon, gentlemen.

I was granted an 8 hour shift today. I’ve been working 12s for a few weeks now. Just finished a 76 hour work week, and last week was 84 fucking hours. I will not have a day off until November. Or so.

So fuck it, here’s some classic Erica

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LemonJello

Nice!

What are you, a St Louis police officer?

Brick Meathook

Pretty girl but where’d they do that photo shoot, in a court house?

Romonobyl

Looks kinda drug lord front-porchy to me.

Romonobyl

Missed PAT? That never hurts later.

Bogdanski

Apparently not as dead as we thought

Spur

Doink

LemonJello

Going out on a limb and saying that this won’t be a low scoring affair.

Shogun Marcus

Ah you’re familiar with the gb defense? Might i interest you in our non-existent coverage plan?

Shogun Marcus

Teh Hippo should be happy! SEE? NOT DED!

King Hippo

YES!! Merci buckets

King Hippo

Thanks for the lineup pep talk, Shogun Marcus!!

Romonobyl

Wow, what a grab!

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I haven’t seen a cheerleader go down like that in over two decades.

litre_cola

OOOOh there is only 5 people left in YeahRights pool.

Spur

Great now the Cowboys are going to get fucked on a bad call.

Shogun Marcus

And there it is.

Shogun Marcus

So that was bullshit yes? We all agree?

Bogdanski

Definitely

Spur

si

Romonobyl

Unfortunately yes, beyond lame. I’m actually hoping for a parity flag.

Romonobyl

Afternoon all, BTW.

LemonJello

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LemonJello

Hai! Zettai ni.

Brick Meathook

The CBS single-game schedule today means that their afternoon slot is going to be a nationally televised network television bull riding championship.

FUCK and YEAH

(note: I always root for the bull)

LemonJello

bull riding

“Sure, on a day I have to work. Figures.”
-A Rodgers

Senor Weaselo

Doesn’t everyone?

Brick Meathook

WTF??? In Los Angeles they’re showing the stupid Rammits.

I WAS PROMISED A FUCKING RODEO FOLKS

litre_cola

Are there fans in LA? I think I heard a cheer.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, that was just me screaming about the Raiders’ latest mistake.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Foodbank opened early.

Spur

What the fuck was that call?

King Hippo

He didn’t even HIT HIM?

LemonJello

Horseshit penalty there.

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And Raiders have to take a timeout cause they can’t get their field goal unit on the field on time.

Spur

Chargers win!

LemonJello

Pack/Boys is America’s game of the week? I didn’t know Fox hated the country THAT much.

...

America is a country rich in self-hate.

litre_cola

Late day hangover has hit. Kill me.

LemonJello

Incoming.
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Spur

No Sean Lee against Rodgers is not going to be pretty.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No Sean, no Lee…looks like it’s gonna be a dull night.”

– Aaron Rodgers, surveying his options at The Anvil

Senor Weaselo

Rikki, why’d you take me to a gay steel mill? Hell, why did you take me to a steel mill?

Spur

Go Cowboys!

litre_cola

Nope.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, you already gave up on the game and are watching Westworld too?

Brocky

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A good way to make your backup quarterback feel at ease at home is to put him in a 14-0 hole.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They need to run the ball a lot to catch up I think. Beastmode can do it. All Lynch all day. This opinion has nothing to do with the fact that I need him to pull me out of the hole Tawmmy put me in on Thursday.

That last part sounded weird, yes.

Wakezilla

Goff putting up big numbers today is likely. C-Hox have me on speed dial if they have one more injury on their defense. BeerguyRick is sitting on the sidelines, drunk and might be the new DT.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey look, the Raiders discovered time travel.

Redshirt

Can I borrow it. Me and 10-year old me needs to have a sit down.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It only takes you back 5 years. Or 6, or 7, or 8, basically from 5 to 15 years.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Good enough.
— Chip Kelly

Redshirt

I can work with that. At least that aged me I can beat up.

Brocky

Lol, I legitimately had no idea mariotta was injured, or that Matt cassel was starting, much less in the league any more

Wakezilla

Radio USA was broadcasting the game and were shocked, shocked i tell you! That Miami was so terrible. Clearly, they didn’t read my preview.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cassel and Doopy Pantz have jobs. 2017 eats balls

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