Your Second Round of NFL Action Open Thread

Are we feeling a wee bit boozy/dizzy/pilly/queasy/silly yet? If you’re not you’ve got some work to do, my friend. There’s still a ton of the football left that you can use as an excuse to do what you will. Take advantage. Lock that kid in his room. Take off those damn pants. Open up that bag of (chocolate) chips. The living room is your oyster! TO THE GAMES!

Bal/Oak: What gives? Why does Derek Carr derive so much joy in derailing a promising Raiders season? Was he not molested enough as a child? Whatever went wrong, there’s something not right in that kid’s head (or back, whatever) Actually, he was limited in practice this week and was willing to give it a go but the Oakland braintrust rightfully put the kibosh on that notion. Enter E to the J Manuel. [sound of balloon losing air] How does an offense switch from a capable signal-caller to a proven turnover- and mistake-prone dude that hasn’t sniffed an NFL start since ’14? [pulls sofa closer to tv] Let’s watch. I’m saying the Ravens D rules the roost today.

Sea/LAR: When you go to Jared (Goff) you get over a thousand yards passing and a 7/1 TD/INT stat. Is he available in both my money leagues? Yes. [makes clickety-clicking noises at the ‘puter] No. He is not. If he plays well against the Seasquawkers he’ll be snapped up and you’ll have missed the Goff boat. Be like me and catch your fellow fantasy opponents napping. This is the latest installment in the series, “Scotchnaut advice that could potentially go very, very wrong for you”. I do it as a service.

GB/Dal: This here tilt is your feature. Let’s leer at it as though it was a nubile, semi-nude seventeen year old backstage at the Miss Universe pageant and we had orange hair. Yeah, we can do creepy too, Mr. President! I’d have loved to have Romo announce this game-much like the contestant above, he can be quite cheeky. As for the game, the Cowboys are the more balanced and talented team but their secondary seems vulnerable and that’s where a certain Mr. Rodgers likes to do him some damage.

Go get ’em, Kiddos!