Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 10, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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CJ Cregg broke the glass ceiling this week!  Plus other things!!  Read on…

From the very first hour, there was intrigue.  One saw #ThePauls race out to a 10-point lead, lose it, then go back up 7 in the 2nd half.  Alas and anon, Detroit put baby in the corner at the end, even covering late for the final 38-24 margin.  Maybe next week.  Maybe not.

Similarly, the Humps had things in hand most of the way against the Yinzers, but gakked it up late.  It didn’t help matters that Black HODOR! seemed a little Trent Green’d for most of the 4th quarter, nor to have Jack Doyle gift wrap a TD via butterfingers-induced pickerception.  Anyway, Pittsburgh kicked a FG as time expired to win 20-17.  If you started Donte Moncrief in fantasy, congratulations, liar.

Even week Jaguras were bad, as the Gypsy Woman foretold.  But the Shitty Clippers were in town, and this was the most mutually derpy game one would ever see.  Especially for one not involving #ThePauls.  Somehow, LA managed to intercept BORT twice in the last 2:00, yet still give up the game-tying FG.  In said last 2:00 plus OT, JAX managed to commit two crippling taunting penalties, especially dumb in light of being on their third string long snapper.  But they made the game winner in added time after a Laserface pick anyway, robbing the world of a deserved draw.

Just when you think the Rodgers-less Packers are so shitty they can’t beat anyone, they go on the road and make several decent passing plays to take down the Bears.  In wintry mix weather conditions.  There’s no rational ‘splanation, it just happened.  Truth Biscuit remains…out there.  Notably, John Fox challenged a play looking to get a TD (on another idiotic pylon stretch, will spare you my full rant on the topic) and ended up getting a touchback for GB instead of the ball inside the 1.  Doh.

Vikes/Redacteds was kind of bananas, with Case Keenum perfect through 3 quarters, then a goddamned moron in the 4th.  Captain Dingleberry almost worked his team back into it, but wound up just short, 38-30.  Adam Thielen is really good, y’all.  Not just “white guy” good.

Bucs/Jets was absolute garbage.  I am sorry for those of you that had to watch it.  Two old QBs who looked it today.  15-10, team MRSA.

Sorry for doubting your ability to play outside in chilly, windy conditions, N’Awlins.  Christ and Sonny Jeebus, these guys have got they merde together.  47-10?  In Buffalo?  And that included a 47-zip run, between an opening Hauschka FG and a very late pityDOWN.  Absolute domination in the middle, just shy of 300 yards on the ground.  Rushing and defensing, that makes you think Saints FOOTBAW, eh?

Los Titanicos have this annoying habit of controlling games, but letting their opponent just hang around.  Today it almost bit them, in the form of a long AJ Green TD that gave the Bengals a 20-17 Q4 lead.  Defensive holding extended the ensuing drive long enough for Mariota to find DeMarco Murray for his 3rd TD to win it, as Marvin Lewis’ agonizing limbo continues.  Redshirt polishes rifle grimly

Back to CJ Cregg.  With new “it girl” Janene Garaffolo nipping at her heels, she kept her head high and eyes on the prize.  288 passing yards and 3 combined scores later, and the Fightin’ Tomsulas aren’t going into the bye winless after all.  Los Gigantes…yeesh.

Also shameful – the Cowboys OL.  They weren’t at full health, but my God, this was the fucking Falcons, not the 1970s Purple People Eaters here.  Something called Adrian Clayborn (I had to look up the spelling twice) had 6 sacks all by hisself for a multi-way tie for 2nd all-time in NFL history.  Go sit in a corner for awhile and think about what you did.  Jason Garrett, too, for leaving DAK! in to take a beating long after the 27-7 result was settled.

Savage Garden performed as well against a Wade Phillips defense as you would expect.  This game film – for a franchise that was blossoming under Deshaun Watson – should be Exhibit A for the Colin Kaepernick collusion case.  It was just fucking ridiculous.  Only 9-7 at the half, but Baby Buster got loose in the 2nd and 33-7 was your final.  That dude is gonna get MVP votes, and deservedly so.  The Goff/Wentz showdown will happen, and be fairly fucking fantastic (I hope).

Nightcap is my Donks hosting the Cheatriots.  SIGH.  I have been guilty of kicking mahself in the teeeeeeth.  Ah will speak no more of mah feelings beneeeeeath….


King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Shogun Marcus

Because GB/CHI, Bluebunny saved his job, Fox is gone. I maintain this is Detroits to lose. Sorry Sir yeahright, but you’ve lived this long enough to know. It’s irrelevant as whatever wild card will smite the division. Rightly so.

Don T


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Most of my good players were on bye this week, so I lost 73-53 to the last place team, who is starting Colin Kaepernick at quarterback. My highest scoring player was Andy Goddamned Dalton. FML.


Also my tight end’s (Coby Fleener) team won 47-10 and he didn’t get a single fucking catch.

Horatio Cornblower

I had Ted Ginn in that game. And Drew Brees.

14 points between the two of them.

I did get 20+ out of Kamara, but Internet Dad took the precaution of playing Ingram, so that pretty much washed out all three of my Saints.


The only thing 2016 is gonna do is ruin the draft for a bunch of bad teams who should be a lot worse. This is the Cardinals mantra but look at CHI, MIA, NYJ

Meanwhile, HOU will get rewarded in the draft for Watson’s injury and they’ll probably get him the next Julio out of the ‘17 draft. DAL will get another high pick to spend on an abusive blue chip lineman as reward for Zeke cracking some broad. And the Broncos will really win the Osweiler sweepstakes when they get to draft a nice cheap franchise qb in the top 5.

Horatio Cornblower

“DAL will get another high pick to spend on an abusive blue chip lineman”

This times a million. Charlton hasn’t done much this season but I think the last two high D-line picks for Dallas, Lawrence and Gregory, fit this profile to a T, (although as far as I know Gregory only abused marijuana), and that’s not even including that goddamn fiasco with Hardy.

Senor Weaselo

In fairness it’s the Jets’ mantra to screw themselves out of nice things. Or even halfway decent things.


As of right now, the Texans don’t have any picks in the 1st two rounds of the draft. They had to dump Osweiler and mortgage everything for Watson (kind of worth it in my opinion, if he comes back healthy). They won’t get him a Julio Jones until 2019.


Ugh, I called the Bears getting thumped coming off the bye and then started talking myself into them winning before kickoff. The lesson as always is never have hope.



Pats who are 1 injury away from Hoyer time.
Chefs maybe? In Wichita?


The Steelers are the perfect team to win the super bowl this bizzaro season. They’re not good but pull off weird wins, they lose games they should win (see: Bears), and they have difference makers (Leveon, JuJu, Antonio) who can hide how terrible they are. Plus their QB is an awful human being who fits with the trend of the vast majority of abusers getting away with it or even getting rewarded, say with the highest office in all the land.


Yeah, pretty much dead on there.


Is it too late for them to pick up Michael Floyd?


I’ve been saying it for a couple of weeks: the Stillers are gonna win the Super Bowl and there’s nothing any of us can do about it. Hopefully that means Roethlisberger with hurr-durr off into the night and we’ll never have to see his fat dopey face (or gray dick) again.


You do not want to get between Ben Roethlisberger and something he wants. Particularly if you are a bathroom door.


This is banner worthy.

The Maestro

It’s my birthday today; celebrated early with last night’s DAWMINANT GREATRIOTS WIN with Lady Maestro and fam all present. Had a belly full of lamb and a brain full of alcohol. Football is pretty great, folks. So are birthdays. I used to not give a shit, but as my mother rightfully pointed out a couple years ago when I was feeling pretty low, “Having a birthday always beats not having a birthday.” And she has a point.


Congrats! May you have many, many more to come.




Happy birfffday to you

Senor Weaselo

Hold the fuck up, we’re birthday buddies? Happy birthday to you, sir!


Happy birthday, buddy. Even if you are a Patriots fan.

monty this seems strange to me

John Fox is John Fox and all… but that is a stupid rule. A fumble out of the end zone should be like a fumble out of bounds – offense keeps the ball at the spot of the fumble.


“So how does it feel to finally get a win over a Brock Osweiler-led Broncos team, Tom?”

::Tom Brady injects self with illegal PEDs that Robert Kraft keeps off of the tested substances list::


Green Bay doing a good was the most surprising thing this week and I’m actually glad I couldn’t see the Steelers-Clots game.

Save Philadelphia, there are no good teams.


Call me crazy, this seems like the year for KC to reach January and look SIIICCCKKKK.


C’mon, man, this is the Chiefs we’re talking about.