And you were thinking that yesterday’s college lineup was wanting? All I know is that when you need the big boys in the NFL to step up and do the right thing they’ll crawl into a corner and do the wrong thing. I guess this is the football equivalent of the ‘dog days of summer’, only in this circumstance the teams that are one win above or below .500 try to make something of their season. Most never do, of course but watching the process unfold can be a touch exasperating. Ah well, I’m a channel-flipping madman at heart, so off we go. TO THE GAMES!
TB/Mia: Qb Winston has been accused of groping an Uber driver last year. I’d be worried if I was the lady in question-I know for a fact that at one time he had crabs. This was the game that was canceled at the start of the year. No one gave any thought to cancelling it again so here we are.
Ari/Hou: Poor Sean Ryan. “Who the hell is Sean Ryan?”, you say in your squeakiest voice. Well calm down and I’ll tell you. He’s the sorry bastard/Texans qb coach that has been tasked with turning Doc Savage Garden into a competent footballer. It’s not going well. Savage is completing passes at a murky 47% clip and his adjusted yards per pass play is just more than half of Watson’s number. He did find a way to pad the stat sheet last week by turning the ball over 4 times.
KC/NYG: Will Eli fumble the ball yet again? Yes. Will the Giants D give up more than 30 for the third straight week? Yes. Are you taking the over? Yes, yes you are.
Jax/Cle: Them Jags look to be on solid ground as far as getting their seventh win of the season although they may be without their Little Red Fournette. He’ll give his bum ankle a whirl before the game but methinks it would be all kinds of stupid to play him if he’s not 100%. After all, Jacksonville can always lean on qb Bortles and his earthy 51.3 QBR.
Det/Chi: The Lions are tied at 5-4 in the NFC North with the Packers and the Bears are just trying to develop their Truth Biscuit without getting him murderized. That sexy Jordan Howard fantasy pick you made at the start of the season has rewarded you with zilcho TD’s the last five weeks. What were you thinking?
LAR/Min: At the outset of September not many eyeballs were thinking they’d be glued to this interaction. But here we are-two 7-2 squadoos that dearly want to believe in themselves. You’d think the Ramsters would have piled up the home wins to get where they are but the buggers are undefeated on the road. What a time to be alive.
Bal/GB: Qb Hundley is applying for a new position-that of sixteenthback. He’s more awful than week-old falafel. The Packers haven’t been able to generate more than 17 points under his “leadership”. The Ravens are coming off a bye and should stuff their opponent’s faces right into the frozen tundra.
Was/NO: The workpony of the Dacteds O is wee Chris Thompson. He should do his fair share of whinnying, scampering and snorting while the Saints roll to the W.
Thoughts? Prayers? Directives? Get going!
Let’s go Browns!!!
https://youtu.be/aKPz583WRpQ
#ThePauls
RAMIT ALL DAY
but mostly just with Kupp
FOOTBAW TIME!
How much of America’s broadcast time goes to insurance commercials that tell the consumer absolutely nothing about the insurance product?
This is something that should be addressed in the next iteration of the US.
The heroic RedZone muzak has me believing that today’s fixtures will rise above their lowly standing on paper. One cannot predict the NFL on paper, which is of course why we bet on it like dumbasses.
LOL its so inspiring! gotta love those horns! Like the opening music for a Revolutionary War film.
I’m hoping Weaselo and the other musical types here have tried performing it with their various folk.
Anyone else got Gabbert v Savage?
The Shield brought you The Flow!
I tried a gin last night, a rye gin. It tasted like the homemade rakija I had in Serbia, but slightly less jet fuelish. Still wouldn’t light a match nearby, but probably okay to have someone standing next to you smoking a cigarette.
“I’m listening…”
Expecting to get a lot of use out of this one from last night:
A head chairshot? I thought that was outlawed after REDACTED.
I don’t know. Kyle O’Reilly can’t have more than 12-15 concussions at this point in his career, give or take 2 or 3 since last night.
Derrrrrp.
I just realized why Chiefs fans all wear the red jerseys. It’s to hide the barbecue sauce stains!
Christ, this 10 am early games thing is gonna take some getting used to. Do I wait until the late games to start drinking, or do I grit my teeth and mix myself a brunch drink? Or just go with the sparkling South African rose I got in the fridge?
wine doesn’t count for the alcoholism before noon test ,, ppl forget that
Whisky is a brunch drink
/thinks leaving Las Vegas is a documentary
I knew/dated someone who had to turn that off like 20 minutes in, because it hit too close to home.
/makes poor life choices
If i do drink for the morning games it’s a Bloody Mary. But waiting till the 1pm games makes me feel less of a degenerate.
Welcome to the coast Dok.
Hey, I think keeping Jordan Howard was a good call, even if Fox is trying to get him killed out there
New Saturday night live yall. Its OK. I liked the Pete Davidson jokes and the Career Day skit.
The hockey sketch got a couple snickers.
Satisfied?
Brady Skjei shoutout!
CBS gets major points from me for their “look at the tape” mockery montage of Ben McAdoo.
My god – is Bradshaw is a perpetual state of having a stroke? He doesn’t even bother trying to hide that he doesn’t know anyone’s name.
Instead of buying an adapter to plug my stupidly coax HD antenna into the variety of non-coax inputs on my projector, I decided to fully upgrade Sling and just cancel after football season. As I result I HAVE REDZONE NOW!!!! Hoorayz!
Even if (when) the Vikes beat the Rams today you still won’t believe in us. “But the Rams haven’t beaten anybody!” They’ll say.
what is it going to take?
We are so going to kick the crap out of the Rams today.
Start Teddy Ballgame. Zimmer will do it if/when RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! wins today. You can tell he wants to, he’s a riverboat gambler a heart.
“Truant, truant, they’ll all say!”
RAMIT
Whooo football!
Also Im not really trusting Miami to do this. Here’s to having Jarvis Laundry as my FLEX!
Huh. So last night, I found the screws I removed when I took out the power supply in my computer to inspect the baby oil damage. I replaced the screws and now the computer has stopped working (or at least the video card, no visual output). My immediate thought was that I should use this as an excuse to build a new computer, and to check if Playstation has a SlingTV app so I could watch the games. They don’t, and I realized that my fancy new laptop has an HDMI out. I can also play Civ on my fancy new laptop. The only other thing I use my desktop for would be ripping DVDs, and I can probably just get an external DVD drive to do that with my laptop. I think I might actually have just talked myself into downsizing the number of computers I own….
Irvin’s currently wearing gold medallions on a yellow plastic chain thing. He’s turned into an In Living Color sketch so slowly that I’ve barely noticed
If Washington could be not garbage today, that would be great. Need some separation from those damn 7-2 teams.
“WE GOT OURS!”
– #THEPAULS
I need to get a haircut. But I am too lazy to go drive to get a haircut. Such is life.
You could get a special ladyfriend who cuts hair, but to be fair that’s probably ever MOAR WORK.
#HippoDiesAlone
Dying alone is underrated. Why should I waste my precious free time with miserable dates and the laborious meeting of people, when it’s pretty improbable that such activities will have a long term positive result? Imma read a book instead.
Reading Rules! Yea Alliteration
#Acceptance
HUZZAH!!!
At this point, health insurance would take priority over haircutting abilities. My excuse is “I’ll do it on my next day off… which isn’t a holiday.” So Friday. Because I have a wedding to play tonight, so it’s not a day off!
Looking into walking down the street to the barber.
#LonghairandI’mstartingtocare
Cuse basketball is 3-0 after beating up another patsy. Woooo!!!
Long ago there was a website called Icebox that made animated shows. One of them was called Superhero Roommate and featured Dave Foley voicing a regular guy living with a hipster asshole who morphed into a glowing superhero. On one of the episodes they were having a dispute about bills and the roommate said “I shouldn’t have to pay bills for time I wasn’t here. Remember when the black hole people made me fight in their laser wars?”
The concept of LASER WARS was hilarious to me and remains so.
And who could forget the savagely racist sitcom “Mr. Wong”?
Did Mr. White live across the street?
JAX gonna be bowl eligible? WOOOOOOO!!!!!
Jax vs. The U in The Backyard Brawl Bowl! Let’s make it happen.
Need a football fix right now? Stream the Roughriders/ Argos East Conference finals. It should be a good game. It’ll likely be close because the CFL likes to give the East Division teams an advantage so they don’t face the embarrassment of having a Western Canadian team telling the East in the Grey Cup.
It pained me to make a Roughriders, Stampeders parlay this morning.
3 pointblank chances chuffed by West Ham. Jammy fucks
Dr. Pepper, lime juice and Cherry Gin is an excellent morning drink.
Hot taek #1: America should change their Thanksgiving celebrations to October, like Canadia. That way, it doesn’t get as swallowed up by Christmas, which will make fans of the Gluttonous holiday, happy.
Hot taek #2: There should be a day of reckoning (maybe fire them out of a cannon?) for every reporter/pundit who supported the Tea Party shooting down Obama during his first few years because of ‘the budget’, only to have a massive hard-on for the government who constantly overspends on, and is about to give the military an extra 700 billion next year.
1) All that would happen is that the advertising for Christmas shopping would come even earlier in the year, and Halloween would be completely obliterated.
2) Sounds good to me
http://repmarktakano.tumblr.com/post/167282616427/this-remarkable-line-of-questioning-from
Also musicians, but does anyone care about us?
/No. No they do not.
Halloween’s already on the cusp of being swallowed up as it is, it was mid to late October and CVS already had candy-cane shaped containers of candy.
The military should secretly use that money to work on infrastructure projects under the guise of needing them for military purposes.
I mean, what if we do need to cross that crumbling bridge with heavy artillery to defend against a land attack by them Mexicans??
But if the bridge crumbles they can’t go for the land attack!
I support your extra “u” but #1 is a bridge too far, commie.
#2? Sure.
I like American Thanksgiving right where it is. In Ontario there’s no holiday between our thanksgiving* and freaking Xmas-that’s a long span. And it’s just as the weather is turning lousy.
*I don’t work for the gov’t so Remembrance Day is a no-go.
I’m perfectly happy with an increase in defense spending thank you very much.
/ says the government contractor.
Sir, the Christmas decorations were out mid-October. Christmas is all-encompassing.
Pretty happy with the amount of unpacking I got done yesterday. I can pretty much use all the rooms now, and all the biggish stuff is in place. Still a huge mess, but putting smaller stuff isn’t a big deal, and will also be easier once some of the organizational containers I ordered show up. I can spend today watching the games, and if the games blow I can put stuff away until they improve. Win!
“I don’t love you hoes, I’m out the do’.”
– Carson Wentz, turning his back on the family farm in North Dakota
There are some good games on today.
Why U no respekt my hot taek?
Canadia is currently near the end of their Maple NCAA playoffs. In the semis, #2 seed Western (which is in Ontario) defeated #7 seed, Acadia (in the Maritimes, whose nickname is the Ax Men), 81-3.. . . . . . . 81-3.
In case you’re wondering how a semis could be so lopsided, your answer, as usually, is because it’s wonderfully Canadian Football:
Shortly before the quarter finals, the AUS (think ACC conference) conference cancelled the game last week –St. Marys was ruled to have an ineligible player because he was once on the practice roster of the Saskatchewan Roughriders– and awarded the championship to Acadia. But after appeals over the weekend, Nova Scotia’s Supreme Court ruled the game was back on and to be played last Tuesday.
In other words, Western, a team on a week’s rest, got to play a team on THREE (!!!!!) days rest.
That just gets em ready for Thursday night football. Toughens em up.
What a joke.
Wait until The Rog hears about this:
“Starting next year, Thursday night football will only be between teams in their division. That way, the same two teams can play eachother on Monday Night Football. Imagine, two teams playing each other on such short rest. We might get fights!”
I’m honestly rooting for a military coup
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-nuclear-commander/u-s-nuclear-general-says-would-resist-illegal-trump-strike-order-idUSKBN1DI0QV
I mean, what is the general supposed to say, that he would carry out an illegal order? That’s not a good look.
Besides, no military coup would ever happen. They’re so heavily funded, they’re probably all driving Rolls Royce Phantoms
Morning Folks
Think I’ll take a bath and read while I wait for the booze store to open.
Goddamnit Moyes, you dour ginger cunt.
Pop quiz! What country was Benghazi in?
[I did not know the answer to this – the country I guessed was next door]
My wife knew instantly. I did not.
Syria?
Wyoming?
I know the country. It’s one that has become an even worse shit hole because it is the home to an increasingly massive slave trade.
Only an idiot would use the country as an example of their success as SoS.
Mission Accomplished indeed
Bowling Green
The answer, of course, is Sorosland.
45 seconds in & Andy Carroll has tallied his first broken nose.
Let’s go Hammers!! Make Hippo moneys.
So the tax plan currently under consideration would tax tuition remission, but include a tax break for private jets. So if it passes, we clearly need to change how universities operate to include the option of paying for tuition WITH private jets.
Or maybe elephant trophies like ivory checks, those are probably deductible too.
At this point, American Middle and Working classes should just write a $500 cheque and send it to their favorite rich person. Might as well cut out the middle man
Americans are fucking morons. Give them what they want.
/sticks head out of covers
//sees sunlight
///pulls covers back over face
Fuck this, I’ve still got 2+ hours.
Also..
Tampa Bay -125
Rammit +110
The Rams and the Vikes are the marquee matchup? In what universe am I living?
Oh that’s right, the one where Trump is president.
But Mugabe got impeached so 2017 has that going for it!
From the Everton twitterverse this weekend (as re-posted to the internet forum, so I saw it):
Sam Allardyce has taken himself out of the running for the Presidency of Zimbabwe
That’s GOLD, Jerry, GOLD.
Ha ha ha ha, good one!
[goes running to Google]
There’s a Herb Sendek joke here which only you would get, soooo…
You Canadians must be laughing your asses off at “Canada’s Shorts” down here. And rightly so.
Gord Downie as posthumous Prime Minister!
/has no idea how Canadian politics work
And Rams/Saints next week! Where we will ponder whether the stingy Saint defense can stand up to the onslaught of the juggernaught that is the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! offense under the NFL’s most efficient passer, one Baby Buster.
I’m saving up United miles for a round trip in First to South Africa. I’ll need 260k miles, and today I break the 200k mark! I am excite!
from what my ex-wife says, it’s breathtakingly beautiful and horrifically violent. You will see people just walking down the street with AK’s.
Man I miss fall in Grozny.
What’s that about Texas now?
grumble grumble good guy with a gun grumble grumble
I was thinking of skipping Jo’burg cause of that and just going to Cape Town and a safari
I lived there and while this isn’t quite true, it’s not THAT far off from the truth.
But it was enough that my cat is named after Kruger National Park. Well, and 2nd President John Adams, as all cats should have the dignity of middle names.
Kruger Adams (last name redacted) is well-dignified for a cat of his stature, methinks.
Does your cat’s last name start with ‘T’ cause then his initials would be KAT!
Which is totally dignified for a cat
sadly, D. 🙁
If the Democrats really want to make sure the Republican tax plan fails to pass, they need to broadcast an ad featuring Hillary Clinton bragging about how much money she and Bill will save thanks to its provisions.
Ok, that is genius
If this were an even week, I’d like #ThePauls chances in the snow, but being #ThePauls, they get Odd Week Jaguras, which can’t be beaten.
The Jaguars are the most two-faced team since…
[starts to google incidents where players have suffered horrific facial injuries, thinks better of it]
The Chiefs have lost three of their last four. I would love to see the Giants shock the world and take them out.
KC doesn’t really have a killer instinct, and NYG could at least keep up by throwing repeatedly to Evan Engram and making my fantasy teams win.
I pray to thee today Gamblor.
ACTION!!
Chi**** (+3, -101, v DET) – market overcorrection
Cincy (+123 moneyline to win @ DEN) b/c DUH
DAL (+180 moneyline to win v Iggles) b/c desperate wounded animal backed into a corner v. overconfident newcomer (this has since moved to +220, DOH)
KC/NYG 45 OVER (get outta mah head, scotchy!!)
I never bet anymore but I’d take that over 99 times out of 100.
[caresses you gently with his neon claws]
– Gamblor