Look Left, Look Right. You’re All Cut. The Colts Bye-Week. Why Did I Click This?

Shogun Marcus

Shogun Marcus

Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He’s never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won’t allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You’ll know…one day.
Shogun Marcus

By now, you’ve read a great many of these bye week updates. All with an unique style and approach. Bravo and much praise to my colleagues for creating such mirth and merriment. I had intended to have some kind of off-kilter oddball opus of my own to contribute to the stack. But as is often the case, life encroached. In a good way! It just cut my writing time to bare minimum. This is going to be fairly straightforward. My addled views will have to wait for another time and tale. Here goes.

I like Indybananas. Really I do! Lady Shogun’s bestie lives there, and I am NOT ashamed to admit her husband is easily one of the Top 3 Men I will EVER claim to acknowledge full-on Love for. Wanna debate? Oops, you already are WRONG. That includes two (of two) of my brothers, and they’re not always on the list. So…

Just prior to agreeing to this assignment, my team’s personal jebus done broke his collarbone. Which I HAVE DONE! Except I was 5. Lemme explain.

In case you’re new here, I grew up with Deaf parents. As such, I did in fact get away with many things. One was, in 1983-4(?), my brother (DeafMidShogun) and I were doing our best WWF impressions. Jimmy SuperFly Snuka was literally the Bomb. So I climbed up on top of the dresser, next to the TV. I leapt…he (being tv savvy without being able to tell me he was gonna) rolled out.

Pain arriving in 3…2…

BOOM. There went my clavicle. That woulda been fine. Except NO ONE caught it. No one saw it happen, certainly no one HEARD it (har har), and it didn’t really hurt. I just dragged my arm along for two WEEKS. Grandma had no clue, Grandpa just figured to rub dirt in it. Finally Mom had a day off (oh did I mention she was a NURSE?! Worked graveyard so that’s excused). That don’t look right! Off to Hospital! Where, at the mature age of 5, I heard AND had to interpret to the folks “its gonna have to be re-broke in order to heal right.” I knew what every one of those words meant. Until I knew what Mama Shogun went through in life, I thought I knew pain. It. Sucked.

I say all of this to say that Andrew Luck has been horribly abused. NO ONE DENIES THIS. My team’s messiah is heading that way. The similarities between these two teams are kind of eerie. I can’t honestly watch how they allow such inhumanity to continue. There’s only one ring (to bind them, blah blah bleh) to separate them. Their O-lines allow enough damage to make the Challenger take pause. Their defenses are a fever dream. I’d make a Weinstein joke, but really? Sometimes there’s just too many holes. Even Ms. Houston says No More.

Their GMs are both questionable, except Indy DID have enough sense to rearrange their deck chairs. Both coaches are on borrowed time, though Pagano is certain to go. Captain Bluebunny will probably get a stay of execution, even though it seems clear his “QB Whisperer” cred has been exhausted, if it ever existed. The owner of one team is a pill-addled drunk whackjob who spouts off insane rantings constantly. The other is Jim Irsay. Need I say more? Ok, well now both teams are racking up arrests. Losing seasons make idle hands. Idle hands may be the devil’s work, but idle minds it seems are so much worse.

There are glimmers of hope and signs of future excitement. When Luck returns from his super-secret European vacation it’s quite possible he’ll go all Steve Austin bionic and destroy all the villages (No not Stone Cold, the Six-Million Dollar Man. Sheesh.). Maybe he’ll have receivers. They seem destined for a Top 10 pick, which if it isn’t spent on the O-Line I say the citizenry go full public execution at Lucas Oil. It’s of little comfort now of course, but the future always shows promise. Otherwise why would we bother?

When I’m in Indibibimbapolis, it never fails that at some point I will get myself fancy doughnuts, and will order biscuits and gravy.

…that’s a small portion for a 1st course, but whatever.

There IS a reason biscuits and gravy exist. It is comfort. It is a salve. It spackles the sad crevices we ALL have in our souls. You may joke, but you know…deep down…THIS is what satisfies. What are you ordering at 4 am, many hours after you should’ve went to sleep? What’s gonna get you down for good? What’s gonna make you semi-coherent at 10 am? Mhm. Smother and cover bitches. If you dislike winter in the Midwest, sprots aren’t likely to provide comfort this year. Except for maybe Minnesota, and I suppose KC if they can avoid their yearly collapse. Winter is gonna hurt. Let’s at least enjoy each others company and get some decent food (look up yeah right’s Sunday Gravy on this very site. Others have cooked and baked as well. Even me.)

We, the Midwest, bid you all adieu as we go into our annual lockdown/hibernation. Me? Oh I’m looking for ALL the doughnuts! Think I’m kidding? Come with me, but I’m not responsible for whatever your cardiologist says. Statins are FOAR QUITTERS!

Mwah.

Shogun Marcus
Shogun Marcus

Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He’s never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won’t allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You’ll know…one day.

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litre_cola
Member

So who has the heaviest fanbase? Green bay? Indy? Kc?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Well done Shogun, et al. Loved it.

But still….. fuck the Colts and the Irsays sans lube.
What? I can still be bitter after 33 years, trust me. I’m good at holding grudges.

Yeah, what he said!!!!!!!!
– JJ Fozz

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Indibibimbapolis sounds like a wonderful place.

Beerguyrob
Member

“Did I play there?”

– Emmitt Smith

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“I know one thing for sure…”
/wanders off
-T. Green

monty this seems strange to me
Member

“HNGMHNGGNFFLMNNHG”
-Austin Collie

yeah right
Member

That’s a great point about each team’s construction. Both are way too reliant on the QB. While it would be nice to have a “franchise quarterback” it doesn’t hurt to build a sound o-line and defense as well. Because when the QBs of either of these two teams drops.
Ugly.

Don T
Member

Yep. Even the WSJ, on a recent puff piece on GM Jon Robinson, stressed how TEN was building around Mariota the right way. A funny thing happened on the way: OL play’s been mostly bad since the preseason.
The Vikes seem to have maulers on the OL. I sure hope to see them play soon.

yeah right
Member

I hope you can too. Any progress on the electrical infrastructure?

Don T
Member

I got an electrical inverter to work last Saturday, but got ZERO signal. 🤷🏽‍♂️
So we’re back to patience and counting our blessings. That has worked so far.

yeah right
Member

May you and the family have the very best possible Holiday. You are all made of far sterner stuff than most of us.

Don T
Member

☺️
You’re too kind. This has really been a test of convictions:

1. Rulers are seldom representatives of the ruled – CORRECT. Many grinders and much generosity from all sides (local and US), while officials (both) drag their feet.

2. “It could be worse” is a healthy perspective – INCORRECT. Worst. Bromide. EVER.

3. Selflessness is its own reward – CORRECT (in emergencies).

4. Humor helps – DUH!

5. Scarcity brings out the worst in people – INCORRECT (mostly). Everyone, even the richest, was totally FUCKED for, at the very least, several days–but no Springfield-type disorder. Alpha blowhards spin this as resignation, but survival, in this context, has entailed sacrifice.

BTW, this is the electrical setup I made, and how I felt when I turned it on:

comment image

blaxabbath
Member

Member when it was like, “The Colts got so lucky tanking the year Peyton got hurt and now they’ll just New England the AFC South!”

That didn’t happen.

Don T
Member

Andrew Luck deserves better management. Irsay’s “It’s mental” shit is demeaning AF. I blame runaway greed. Let’s not besmirch the awesomeness of pillz.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Speaking of food, you have to admit that Jacoby Brisket has been a pleasant surprise for these Clots.

blaxabbath
Member

Andy Reid gives up a Ricky Williams style bounty to IND in 3…2…

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Please tell me more about these donuts you speak of. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

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