Your “Somebody’s Backing Into a .500 Record Tonight!” NFL Football Open Thread

We had our first significant snowfall last night/into the morning and let me tell you, I don’t miss that stuff at all. Services in my community and along the highway snowplow-wise are dying The Death of a Thousand Cuts. What this seems to mean out this way is that only the main roads are taken care of so it’s a bit of a struggle to get to them. Since I’ve never ended up in a ditch I still giggle when I happen to pass by some unfortunate putz that wasn’t driving according to the conditions. [thinks of a painfully godawful segue] You know who else isn’t driving very well lately? The Dallas Offense! HAH! Let’s go…TO THE GAME!

Dallas/Washington: This NFC East Battle Royale for second place way, way behind the Eagles is sponsored by the good folks of Montreal because it’s Just For Laughs. The winner gets the 6-6 tiara and the brief hope that they be relevant in the wild card race for another week. After Zeke took a league-mandated break the Cowboys run game has fallen apart. I mean that Alfred Morris is so bad… [looks at his yards per carry average of 5.8] Ah…so bad that they only give him 12 touches a game! Yeah, that’s it. Sure does seem that the thinking of OC Linehan changed and he said, “It’s your team, Canned Ham, let’s see what you can do!”. What the DAK!-ster has responded with is 5 picks in the last two games. If I’m not mistaken, he threw 4 all last year-so perhaps he’s a not-ready-for-prime-time player. As mentioned in this very space before, the Dacteds are suffering from a wee injury apocalypse. Captain Kirk Cousins is one of only three fellas on O that has started every game and is surprisingly (to me) second in the league in passing yards. So you fantasy dudes might want to start a certain Crowder kid at the wr spot if y’all have him. He’s given 100+ yards of O for the last 4 in a row. And double down on Sammy Perine, will you?

That was my time-now it’s yours.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
772 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Fronkenshteen

Redacteds are only minus fucking two?!?!1?!1
Please tell me some of you degenerates have a few skinoots riding on them!!

King Hippo

totally avoided it. DAL is no mas territory and WAS too schizo

Redshirt

I don’t know how to sportsbet. Plus it may not be legal in my state, even online.

JustStopDude

So the Matt Lauer thing…I really got to know how the hell he got the door lock thing through NBC.

I mean that is at least a purchase order and then a work order. Its sort of like imagining a Bond villain trying to get his lair built.

https://youtu.be/tDedpreZH-0

Now I heard the argument that NBC provided these locking devices for all their upper management people….which I guess means they almost expected a mass office shooting and they wanted to protect the important people while the peons got murdered or something.

I can’t imagine working at a place where the management has safe rooms because they treat everyone so insanely shitty.

Redshirt

Unless you’re Batman, you don’t need a remote lock to your office door!

JustStopDude

Never been a fan of Batman. He is basically a rich asshole who makes his money exploiting a city for all its worth and then for kicks, goes out and savagely beats minorities and people with disabilities.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So… Trump?

King Hippo

I have never tried a case, yet I am certain I could get ALL TEH MONIES from NBC out of that one, with no discovery beyond Google.

Gratliff

But what if there was an active shooter in the building? That would be a valid reason. Say, an angry female he may have hurt who was ignored and shunned by her peers following it.

Spur

Don’t get hurt Dak.

Doktor Zymm

Kanye’s all about the WAS unis
comment image

King Hippo

monastic robes should be a thang again

Doktor Zymm

You are not wrong. I have a dress that’s sorta robe-like and I love it.

LemonJello

Do those come in a men’s cut?

/looks like something from my dead grandmother’s closet

King Hippo

WHY is there no shitty conference title match to flip to? I ain’t gonna watch these assdicks fap around on Saturday afternoon when real sides are playing.

King Hippo

Surely there is a non-creepy way we can Cyrano de Bergerac that, yeah?

King Hippo

notice that Dok is not telling us no.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuckity fuck, those vape pens fucking rock. I gotta figure a way to get some of them home.
Might have to take a chance and mail some to Hippo’s house. Kind of a reverse mule.

No, not like that.

Shogun Marcus

Dude! Really? MONQ is one way…pricey but ok. Otherwise buy Joyetech Penguin, fill up your tank, blend, smile.

theeWeeBabySeamus

This was just an experiment, truth be told. And I’ve to a mod at home, just gotta learn to make the juice.

But I have to say I’m impressed by this pen. I really didn’t expect much potency out of it.

Shogun Marcus

Tell me your secrets…later of course.

Spur

Eli got done wrong and i hope he goes to the Jags or Donks but have we forgotten the hissy fit he had to avoid the Chargers. Chargers were crappy but Eli and his dad were real dicks about it.

Spur

Dongs?…let me edit that

theeWeeBabySeamus

If he’s going then by god I’m going!!!!.
– A. Rodgers

King Hippo

Hey, I’d gladly be the Denver Dongs to get Out ‘n’ Proud A.A. Ron in town!

King Hippo

DAK! don’t look natural on that horse.

Shogun Marcus

Quick! Pic sharing that does the https!

Fronkenshteen

I, like all other Zeke owners, are here tonight for one reason: To witness the complete destruction of Dak Prescott. May he fail to survive the first half.

LemonJello

You have my interest.
comment image

King Hippo

DAL sure tried to fuck that up

Doktor Zymm

Huh, I kinda like the WAS color rush unis. They kinda look like jogging suits. I wish they were velour!

King Hippo

it’s like a classic Velvet Jones smoking jacket

Redshirt

The Dallas Defense has never been the same since Elliot got suspended.

Spur

Dallas Defense goal is not to be on the field and when they are the other team is behind and is forced to take risks.

JustStopDude

Well it seems like the Dallas offense is true to form…

King Hippo

this is NOT the Alfred Morris/Dan Bailey score-a-palooza start I asked for. FUCKERS

litre_cola

Question, why is footbaw the only sport where they say their “minor league” team aka university?

JustStopDude

JSD…ITT Tech.

LemonJello

I was just thinking, “some of these guys say their high schools, when is someone going back further?”

“Joe Assclown, Giant Steps Day Care Center”

litre_cola

I think Joe must be in the same class as at least 1 Cromartie.

LemonJello

And two Marmalard spawn

Shogun Marcus

JWASNM…THE UW…milwaukee.

Spur

NCAA can’t kill the golden goose. Minor league with low overhead.

Gratliff

THese are the worst fucking uniforms I’ve ever seen

Sharkbait

Seattle would like a word.

Redshirt

(looking for Bengals black-on-black combo from early ’00s)

Redshirt

Ah ha! I found the Tootsie Rolls Combo of 2003. They wore this in the last game of ’03 I guess as a preview of the Uniform Change to the current jerseys. All they had to do was beat the Browns and make the playoffs, but the gods saw what they were wearing and said “No way!”

https://media.gettyimages.com/photos/lee-suggs-of-the-cleveland-browns-runs-for-a-25-yard-touchdown-while-picture-id2834555?k=6&m=2834555&s=612×612&w=0&h=nzscPv6kkoad5-0c58ctbnQcdOB13UMA7yIeUF4N8RM=

litre_cola

I thought it.

King Hippo

DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK

DOK DOK DOK DOK DOK

LemonJello

comment image?w=620&h=253&crop=1

Shogun Marcus

Oh, sorry! TITTIES, BEWBS, QUESTIONABLE SHADOWS, SHADY BUSHES, PANTIES ASKEW!!! how’s that?

LemonJello

Panties Askew would be a pretty good band name.

Redshirt
JustStopDude

You know the best part of this, it makes the talking morons on the Cleveland Sports Talk radio station go fucking nuts.

Spur

Every month the Sales Staff sandbag their sales. My team is left working late to catch us up and then I get yelled at for all the OT.

Redshirt

I hope DFO doesn’t charge per autocorrect from “slur to a person here first” to [*Redacteds]. The Server Bill’s gonna be huge this week!

Redshirt

I see the [*Redacted] s were able to rebel against the Evil Commish and didn’t wear the original planned color rush jersey.
comment image

Spur

Good! – Bill Parcells

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Another fun story. The late Patrice O’Neal was doing a stand-up special on CC in 2003 and he had a bit on the DC sniper. The punchline was, “Once people found out he was black he went from nefarious and devious to a n—a in a Buick.”

Comedy Central censored part of that punchline. It was “Buick” because they weren’t a sponsor at the time.

King Hippo

Patrice O’Neal fucking rocked.

Sharkbait

Yes he did.

Spur

he did the salmon and honey bit right?

Gratliff

Patric-E narrowly edged out Bill Burr as my favorite of the New York/O&A group, though Burr’s the only one I’ve seen live. He remains the only person I’ve ever seen explain the Angry Pirate on a news network during a serious discussion on gender relations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjIuPSuYSOY

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh Patreeky

Gratliff

I’m here for the Eagles clinching 11 games in.

Spur

Evening Folks! Go Cowboys…..do the right thing and lose all games.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo, I thought I had found something which might kill you. MGM app which lets you bet online with them from phone. Then I saw that one must be physically in the state of Nevada for it to work.

And also probably no blackberry version (LMFAO)

Yes, I’m a li’l drunk.

litre_cola

I do my betting on the Isle of Man become I am exotic.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Curacao here (Top Bet)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also Litre, I just got back from “shopping”

litre_cola

Mrs Cola knows I am pissed, and said that absolutely I am going next year.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Woo Hoo!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

After the game, I’m going to get baked and go to Top Golf I think. Maybe casino later.

I know I won’t be driving anywhere tho. 3 weeks off lowered my tolerance considerably.

litre_cola

Top golf and the soon to be Ice Raiders game was what I was looking forward to but seiing it’s Philly on Sunday night, I wouldn’t have gone to the game any way.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Next time. That’ll give us time to shame Hippo into coming with.

King Hippo

Am I an impossible person to shame into human activity? Yes Other Hippo, yes you are!

deviantBastard

#Hustle, it is what counts.

King Hippo

I prefer laptop, generally. BET BET BET BET BET!!!

/have no action tonite

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ditto. Didn’t touch this game.

King Hippo

Brain finally say STOP DIGGING on Jerral’s Boiz

theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably wise.

As an aside, I really getting tired of the “Dak washed up” talking points.
Not sure why anyone expected anything different once Zeke got the hammer once and for all.

theeWeeBabySeamus

From the media that is. That wasn’t aimed at you or anyone else in particular.

King Hippo

speaking of, here go Crissy

herodotus450

If they don’t have front breast pockets I’d demand money back.

Viva La Tabula Raza

At least you don’t have to lay awake nights worrying about concussions. Not much, anyway.

clint greasewood

badminton? Why not offer to get them football shoulder pads with spikes, like the Road Warriors.

Redshirt

Conversation I had with my boss.

Redshirt: “I’m nearing my breaking point!”
Boss: “I talk with the Manager about getting you support.”
Redshirt: “I don’t need support. I need help from the other depts. I’m getting nothing but shit!”

Shogun Marcus

Friends…I’m troubled, so I ask…
Baby brother and I have a, tenuous to be polite, relationship. This runs deep, and that’s not the point. His Wifey controls All It seems.
Thanksgiving. He, wifey, and baby (1st grandbaby) not around because her family is First. I find out haphazardly…#2 is on the way. But I’m not sure if I’m allowed to know. This bullshit must stop. Can I Be Happy?

Redshirt

Some siblings are like that. My father’s side is completely together. Four generations at Christmas.
My mother’s side separated like vapor.

When my grandma passed away, my mom insisted we rush to her apartment to get sentimental stuff because her sister told her they had tickets to Vegas and she was afraid they would go find stuff to pawn. To clarify, her mother passed away suddenly and unplanned and they still went to Vegas as planned but were going to stop by her dead mother’s apartment on the way to the airport.

If something causes you sin or grief, sometimes you gotta cut it out of your life. Show them love, but if they want to be a dick; let them be a dick.

Gratliff

Me and my siblings all agreed to not give a fuck largely due to the nightmare that was our childhood and we scattered to the winds after 20ish. We reconnect immediately when we see each other again, but we’ll go 4-5 years between sometimes. As such, I spend all the important dates with the in-laws, but I also don’t have any pressure to do otherwise.

Shogun Marcus

I get that. But we 3, we’re connected. Hearing, Deaf, Hearing. Mom & Dad Deaf. We got each other through absolutely stupid things. I’ll write more one day. I just wish we could have an afternoon free of everything and…just…be. Sorry Guys. It weighs.

Redshirt

I feel you pain, friend. You’re not alone.

Shogun Marcus

I can’t do the yoga required anymore. Broke my back (literally) once. I can’t anymore. It makes me sick that this is where we are. I can’t apologize for our childhood anymore. Done.

Shogun Marcus

Thank you Sir.

King Hippo

I don’t really care for either of my siblings as adults, despite having good relationships with them growing up. It’s weird. Shit happens.

Hey, at least my cat still likes me.

/all I have left

theeWeeBabySeamus

Evening gents.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Meh

Redshirt
Beerguyrob

Yay! Gregg Zaun is gone from Blue Jays broadcasts.

litre_cola

Than fucking christ. My friends and are talking about this today and we are overjoyed.

King Hippo

I have no clue what kind of a commentator he was, but he was a lynchpin of a world series replay-based computer el beisbol champion side I GM’d. Cheap (in terms of salcap) catchers with offensive upside are a bonus, and he was an OBP/gap power machine that season.

Beerguyrob

On TV, he was an asshole that learned how to talk, but everything that came out was still shit.

Beerguyrob

Vince Lombardi coaching the Canucks, because we have no starts (anymore), but he could develop a team that could actually do something.

Even risen-from-the-grave Lombardi would be better than previous coaches.

Beerguyrob

For a Stanley Cup, I’d even take **shudders**
Belichick.

herodotus450

Yeah I think Bowman is my answer too. Didn’t he win like 8 cups with 4 different teams? Though maybe he just went where he saw the greenest grass…
But, remember when he made Federov, arguably the best forward of his day, play defense for like a month? I don’t really remember it, because it was thirty years ago or something, but it’s a crazy story to think about now. That’d be like if Ovechkin just played D because his team needed him, and he was top 4 good at it just out of pure athleticism.

King Hippo

Grumblelord managing Everton, since we’ve already sold our soul. Might as well get some wins out of it. MILFs of Merseyside, beware!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Paolo di Canio coaching the New York Rangers.

litre_cola

The answer is Buddy Ryan for anything.

herodotus450

Breaking news: Montreal is a stupid team of doodyheads who stink at hockey and are too dumb to read and also probably can’t wipe their own butts. Which also stink.
/Just woke up from a coma, it’s still 1954 right?

Beerguyrob

Bad news – Clarence Campbell has suspended the Rocket for tonight’s game. Stay indoors!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Didn’t the last two times they won the Cup in ’86 and ’93, fans pretty much laid waste to Saint Catherine St? Shit, they had a mini-riot after they won a first round series within the last decade.

Well, at least they rioted after wins. Vancouver on the other hand….

Beerguyrob

THAT PAIN RUNS DEEP!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I heard you if you get real close to Dave Babych, you can smell tear gas. And choloroform.

Beerguyrob

That’s just his mustache. Even today, it’s still glorious.

comment image

comment image

Sharkbait

Hooray Thursday Night Football!

–Nobody

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Balls, GWS is giving away a prize a day for the next 12 days, and today’s is a spot in the team photo. Think they’d fly me out to Australia for it?

King Hippo

I could start Captain Dingleberry, but leaning towards sticking with Baby Buster in the desert this weekend. I need the upside.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

This show was at least 60% responsible for my humor and 100% responsible for any burned bridges in my life. God I loved it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hogK5LH7Mw

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The fun thing was how the comics would do little things to undermine Colin, sometimes unwittingly. They didn’t give a shit he was on TV, they were going to smash anyone who was being a prick. I guarantee you Leary did that as a favor to Colin, and Giraldo just shit down his throat.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Well, not just viewer-friendly but network-friendly. He had a ton of battles with CC over content.

Bobby Kelly told one story about how Colin was told “Hey, Jon’s our politics and that kind of stuff guy. We would rather you do more entertainment stories.” Colin balked and said these comics don’t give a shit about that stuff.

I want to say within the week, Colin was introducing a story about the end of Average Joe, and Nick DiPaolo interrupts him mid-sentence, “Oh who gives a shit?” Colin then looks right at the camera with a smirk and goes, “See? They don’t care.”

King Hippo

I like comedy that takes chances. Goddamnit, why did Louis CK have to be such a creep?

...

In minor but ultimately terrifying news, the departure of the Oily Sexy Rexy Tillerson means that genuinely awful man Tom Cotton got a promotion to head of the CIA. I look forward to him ushering in the final act of the apolcalyse on January 20, 2025.

King Hippo

optimist

...

The good thing about President Tom Cotton is that we can reuse all those Glennon giraffe jokes because dude is one necky motherfucker.

The bad thing is this perverse adaptation will allow him to survive the salty, bloody rise of the world’s oceans.

litre_cola

No Perine! None. Zero. Most important week of the year in FF.

King Hippo

Wha happen? with Perine

litre_cola

I hope he trips over fat Robs rib bones and gets no points.

King Hippo

Would hurt DFO side, but help money league side. Tradeoff MOAR than acceptable!

/praying for Bailey and MorrisPOINTS galore

Wakezilla

Currently being sold at Walmart: Advocating suppression of the press. Very Healthy.

comment image

...

All these soft pampered suburbanites can dream of The Night of the Rope all they want but as soon as the bullets flying they’ll all be scampering for their scooters to flee.

Wakezilla

Lesser Footy Liouns are trying to reach the hipster crowd with today’s signing. They signed someone that nobody has ever heard of, from the Venezuelan lesser footy league, to a massive contract.

comment image

Wakezilla

Nah, probably 1000. 2000 twoons would be enough money to make Blondell the king of Venezuela.

nomonkeyfun

But 10 twouounies would be enough to get him kidnapped in Venezuela.

Wakezilla

This is true. But it’s enough money where they’d have to provide him women. So it’d be a sexy kidnapping because Venezuelan women are pretty, pretty flawless.

Beerguyrob

It’s Venezuela, so they’re paying him in crates of TP being shipped to his family.

King Hippo

Money league side needs a win for the bye, starting Alfred Morris and Dan Bailey because reasons and 2-game losing streak is likely to be 3.

King Hippo

Sparty in Nov/Dec is always poo, though, yeah??

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Go….meteor?

rockingdog

Yea NFL! Whoooo!

1 2 3 6