Your “Somebody’s Backing Into a .500 Record Tonight!” NFL Football Open Thread

We had our first significant snowfall last night/into the morning and let me tell you, I don’t miss that stuff at all. Services in my community and along the highway snowplow-wise are dying The Death of a Thousand Cuts. What this seems to mean out this way is that only the main roads are taken care of so it’s a bit of a struggle to get to them. Since I’ve never ended up in a ditch I still giggle when I happen to pass by some unfortunate putz that wasn’t driving according to the conditions. [thinks of a painfully godawful segue] You know who else isn’t driving very well lately? The Dallas Offense! HAH! Let’s go…TO THE GAME!

Dallas/Washington: This NFC East Battle Royale for second place way, way behind the Eagles is sponsored by the good folks of Montreal because it’s Just For Laughs. The winner gets the 6-6 tiara and the brief hope that they be relevant in the wild card race for another week. After Zeke took a league-mandated break the Cowboys run game has fallen apart. I mean that Alfred Morris is so bad… [looks at his yards per carry average of 5.8] Ah…so bad that they only give him 12 touches a game! Yeah, that’s it. Sure does seem that the thinking of OC Linehan changed and he said, “It’s your team, Canned Ham, let’s see what you can do!”. What the DAK!-ster has responded with is 5 picks in the last two games. If I’m not mistaken, he threw 4 all last year-so perhaps he’s a not-ready-for-prime-time player. As mentioned in this very space before, the Dacteds are suffering from a wee injury apocalypse. Captain Kirk Cousins is one of only three fellas on O that has started every game and is surprisingly (to me) second in the league in passing yards. So you fantasy dudes might want to start a certain Crowder kid at the wr spot if y’all have him. He’s given 100+ yards of O for the last 4 in a row. And double down on Sammy Perine, will you?

That was my time-now it’s yours.

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Tweets like this one really remind me of how much I miss KSK.

https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/936417128315531264

Gratliff

13 quarters later, Dak rejoins the race to be the second best QB in the division

Spur

Old Man Witten

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/rolls Geico’s Jason Witten commercial

Sharkbait

What happened to the Maddenview? That lasted what? A week?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game is so bad I may not even buy WiFi on the flight.

Sharkbait

Buy it to make dick jokes with us?

King Hippo

Dallas is making football plays??

Gratliff

Oh look. The Senate tax bill got delayed. Imminent doom has been put off for another few days.

King Hippo

Anything we can gets.

Spur

I can’t wait until Obama is blamed for this.

King Hippo

There we go! FEED FRED

King Hippo

FG range? MAYBE??

Sharkbait

Block.

King Hippo

it’s not -1 unless it’s under 40, FUCK IT

Spur

Should eSports be in the Olympics?

Viva La Tabula Raza

It’d be more interesting to watch than this shitshow.

Doktor Zymm

Fuck no

LemonJello

I agree with the esteemed Doktor.

Spur

Good point. Counterpoint dressage and sailing

Doktor Zymm

Both of those require significant levels of fitness and coordination to do at Olympic levels.

nomonkeyfun

Why don’t we bring painting back?

nomonkeyfun

Also, would they have it in the summer or winter?

Spur

Winter. it needs the viewers

King Hippo

Wait, we’d be watching people play video games? Why not help out the french and make fucking an Olympic sport, too?

Spur

Brazil – Gold

King Hippo

why the tittyfuck did I start Alfred Morris??

/looks at bench “oh, that’s why”

Sharkbait

Oh hey, Welcome to the club

King Hippo

godfuckingdamnit, I used to be 9-1!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Showoff”
-Andy Reid

Gratliff

This has all the makings of that MNF Dallas-Washington “Worst Game Ever” from 2001

theeWeeBabySeamus

Might go down to casino at halftime and bet the second half. No matter what the line is, I want to win it on a zero zero tie.

Sharkbait

Now that we’ve seen Washington herp, It’s time for Dallas to derp!

King Hippo

You see that pass, and snicker at someone giving Captain Dingleberry $25M/year.

/thanks God and Sonny Jeebus Donks don’t have the salcap room

LemonJello

THIS GAME I CALL AN ALABAMA NURSING HOME; THERE’S DEMENTIA, IMPOTENCE AND COUSINS RUNNING AROUND TRYING NOT TO GET FUCKED!

Doktor Zymm

Hey! We’re back out of quantum measurements!

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IT’S NOT A FIRST DOWN UNTIL THE REF OBSERVES IT

Spur

I have in the past confessed my love for American cheese. I never said i was proud of this.

Sharkbait

American has its uses.

theeWeeBabySeamus

– China

Gratliff

White American from a deli is the only acceptable grill burger cheese. Fucking fight me.

LemonJello

Would White American be the most over privileged of cheeses?

Gratliff

That’s why it’s so fatty and salty and delicious

theeWeeBabySeamus

OJ’s favorite is extra sharp cheddar.

King Hippo

you weirdoes eating cheese. BARF

theeWeeBabySeamus

Provolone. No one denies this.

nomonkeyfun

Velveeta.

Doktor Zymm

this is so dumb

Spur

I CALL THIS GAME THE BATTLE OF FORT DEARBORN, NO TEAM REALLY WINS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So we watched The Big Sick last week. It gets the Matt Ryan “pretty good” seal of approval.

Sharkbait

Classic case here for just moving the yards to gain instead of the ball

Shogun Marcus

Best picsharing site…not tinypic. Go!

Col. Duke LaCross

I like photobucket, but I still have no idea how to post pictures here.

Redshirt

Okay, now what’s half the distance of a mosquito pube?

Sharkbait

Ion?

LemonJello

Charlemango dick

Redshirt

Instead of a safety, I want to see an Interception in the Endzone for an Instant TD. Nothing like a 0 yard TD return.

Redshirt

What’s half the distance of a grass blade?

King Hippo

mosquito pube

litre_cola

Safety please.

King Hippo

Canada shall dance, and America sings?

King Hippo

JEEBUS, can’t even get 5 goddamned yards so my dude can have a FG

Doktor Zymm

Just a reminder, both of these teams played Thanksgiving, and thus are NOT on short weeks. SO WHAT’S THE GODDAMN EXCUSE FOR THIS POOPY?!

deviantBastard

Tradition.

JustStopDude

So since Mannings are not long for this world…do we move onto Jay Gruden Face?

Sharkbait

I think Manningface is everlasting.

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Honestly, considering that stupid mug of his, we should have been doing Jay Gruden Face a long time ago.

Gratliff

Oh Kurt. SHUT THE FUCK UP WEBSITE. I KNEW I SAID THAT BEFORE. I”M SAYING THAT SHIT AGAIN.

litre_cola

This is a fucking classic in the making.

King Hippo

(FOAR safety post)

deviantBastard

And Mexico?

King Hippo

(shakes maracas)

Doktor Zymm

Goddamn it Jamison

Spur
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Just in time for some classic Chubby Gruden face.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I just turned the game on and the first thing I saw was a punt followed by a fumble. Thursday Night Football at its most stereotypical.

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True, but as color rush uniforms go, these are good. I’m digging the all burgundy.

King Hippo

I’m calling a tribute to Velvet Jones. Silky Gerrard’s leading influence.

King Hippo

This match is graphic evidence of why the Iggles are 10-1.

/also Philly is prettay…prettay…good

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/sound of increasingly loud footsteps moving toward which flies open

LOL COUSINS

Sharkbait

I’ve actually had some real, honest to goodness work for the last 14 minutes. How is this game still 0-0?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cousins getting intercepted is an ominous sign for the upcoming Alabama special election

Fronkenshteen

Jay Gruden looks like W. reading “My Pet Goat”.

Doktor Zymm

This is how the whole game is gonna be, isn’t it….this is just classic NFC East shit

Spur

whoop whoop

BrettFavresColonoscopy

GO GENO SMITH

Spur

nice. now just run the ball.

Gratliff

Oh Kurt

deviantBastard

Sure, it is. It’s not the QB’s job to throw AND catch the ball.

Petronel

Gisele would agree.

King Hippo

Hippo’s coin was RIGHT not to start Captain Dingleberry!

Spur

Can the Viks afford Cousins? That could be a good match.

Fronkenshteen

Bridgewater, no?

King Hippo

IIRC, everybody is out of contract

Doktor Zymm

So, which team is gonna pick up Kaep and Eli in the offseason, make them compete for the starting spot, then cut both of them during training camp in favor of some rookie that burns out?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fremantle?

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Denver.

JustStopDude

This game is going to have a Bajillion punts and penalties won’t it?