Instant Hippo Thoughts – Lucky Week 13, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Hey, when you follow up a craptastic day of JV GAMBLOR with a beautiful 6-match unbeaten run (sullied only by a longshot moneyline bet on Los Gigantes, which didn’t play out THAT crazy), you give the number its props.

There’s no luck in Buffalo, where the usual P*ts hammering also came with a late GRONK SMASH and unrelated ded Tyrod.  So…I guess we will see Phase 2 of the great J. Peterman era.  Glad I didn’t go with Hauschka for my playoff kicker, after all.

MinnySEWta came into the week as the most legitimate challengers to the Iggle throne, and they exit it the same way.  Mister Winkles’ Vikes closed out a 14-9 businessperson-like win win a killer 5+ minute drive to burn off every last second off the clock.  Not that ATL is the most hostile environment in the League, but it’s a very good road win, and the fashion it was achieved was particularly impressive.  Nobody wants to see them in their playoff bracket.

Kansas City jumped out to a 14-zip lead over the Jets, got about 200 2nd half yards from Tyreek Hill…and still lost.  That kind of dumpster fire for the Chefs.  New York needed 9 plays inside the 5 to score the winning TD, but win they did, 38-31.

#OddWeekJaguras beat the shit out of the Humps because #OddWeekJaguras.  Tune back in next week for the continuing saga of Even Week Jaguras.

Oh my poor fucking Donks.  Miami started and finished the day’s scoring with a safety.  Dunno if I’ve ever seen that before.  In between, they also won 31-9, with 6 of said Denver 9 coming from a Catler Pick Six, because, well, Catler.  Miami also converted an onside kick at 33-9 late because…why the fuck not?  Team shows up with no pride, kick ’em in the teeth, I guess.  Just embarrassing.  YES, this was one of my successful moneyline bets.  Can you believe Denver was a road favourite anywhere??

Yooooooouuuuuston actually controlled much of this game, but Savage Garden is a wet bag of shit.  And Derrick Henry scored a TOTES UNNECESSARY garbage time long TD to beat the spread and turn many fantasy fortunes on they heads.  24-13, Tits win ugly again.  Just like DonT likes it.  /lights cigarette suavely

Packers and MRSA Men went to OT, because who didn’t want more of THAT bullshit?  Anyway, I know nothing of this game except that Davante Adams fucked me over after I finally put him back in the lineup (as Tyreek was doing the opposite).  And Green Bay won on the first drive of bonus time, 26-20.  Who fucking cares.

The Ravens beat the absolute tar shit out of Detroit, and killed Fat Stafford in the process.  The non-Vikes portion of the NFC North just gets fuglier and fuglier.

Speaking of fugly, the Bearistocrats! took requests today (h/t – BFC), and were shut out by former cult hero kicker Robbie Gould, 15-14.  Folk singer Leonard Cohen deserves a shout-out for his Bananacakes Bowl-worthy video game-ish punt return TD, but it turns out one can only hide one’s QB for so long before it bites one, even home against the Fightin’ Tomsulas.  PRO TIP: Maybe draft a QB that can read?

#ThePauls really fucking competed today, and covered to give Hippo win #6, at least.  Still gave up too many fantasy points to Melvin Fucking Gordon and Hunter Henry, though.  The Shitty Clippers are annoying fucks, but move into a 3-way tie for 1st in the world’s worst footy division.

Yes, pre-Vegas made it to 6-6 as well, beating up on Geno and his fellow not-quite-so-Giants.  The scoreline was only 24-17, a damning indictment of just how shitty a football product each team put out there (not including Beast Mode, Khalil Mack, and Evan Engram).  Burn after reading, indeed.

N’Awlins beat Charlotte 31-21, and the score doesn’t reflect just how much of a rout this was.  The Panthers didn’t belong on the same field with the Saints.  Bitchin’ Kamara, winner of all fantasy leagues, was his usual self.  As noted in the Live Blog, you can certainly see why the Tennessee staff got fired, not winning any games with a beast like that in the garage.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! went to the desert in what I thought might be a tricky matchup, but as almost always this season – they flattened the team they should beat.  There is much to admire about that, even if it does likely mean the ceiling (for now) is well-below Iggles/Vikes.

Finally, an excellent (on paper) Sunday nighter between the aforementioned Iggles and SeaTruthers.  Bird on Bird violencia, huzzah!  After a boring-as-shit first half, Philly looked to make things interesting, until Dakota Boy fumbled through the end zone inside the one.  After that, I took cold medicine and quit caring.  I seen this movie before.  As y’all now, I be old and shit.

King Hippo
King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OOOF. Well you made through and still had thoughts.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just had random synaptic activations.

Wakezilla
Member

Nice to see Miami is doing their annual “Win when it’s too late so we can miss out on the top tier of the draft class” shenanigans, again. Who am I kidding, they’d draft a second tier player, anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

@Horatio: I hadn’t seen Gronk’s dirty-as-fuck hit when I said I didn’t wish injury upon him. Now that I have, I absolutely wish injury upon him.

scotchnaut
Member
blaxabbath
Member

This was out 1st Anniversary weekend and, since the Mrs is knocked up, it was VERY low key (couldn’t even go get massages without a doctor’s note). I saw zero football but checked Twitter yesterday afternoon to see some tweets that THE AMAZING BLAINE [Gabbert] was over-performing expectations and the argument was about whether ARI should draft a QB high (DUH) or try to sign THE AMAZING BLAINE to a reasonable LT deal and build around him.

Then this morning, reality kicked back in to remind everyone that “Should Gabbert be signed to a LT deal even be a conversion?” is a stupid fucking question.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

There are no stupid questions, but “Yes” is a stupid answer to that question.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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BrettFavresColonoscopy
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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Fuck the Giants. And the Raiders too while we’re at it
To get that close on a six team parlay and lose on a garbage time 52 yd FG in the last fucking game.

Fuck everything.
Fuck all of you too while I’m at it (you all know you did something at some point to deserve it).

So in closing. Fuck.

(also a hooker tried to hurt my feelings last night, no shit….it was fucking hilarious)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I am genuinely suspicious that Jalen Richard was shaving points last night. He normally has very reliable hands; yesterday he fumbled three times.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Don’t hookers know that they are just like DFOers, dead inside,

Senor Weaselo
Member

Hell, can we hear that story?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Hear it you shall. In about 4 days.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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Senor Weaselo
Member

We’re avoiding the meat of the matter. How much NyQuil did Hippo chug?

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Just saw Herm Edwards is now going to coach the Sun Devils. If I was a player and he starts his tenure with a talk about how he is going to treat the team members just like one of his own kids, I’d transfer then and there.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Their first choice was Tony Dungy but part of his terms for taking the job included a pious insistence that they change the name.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Shit, I confused Dungy and Edwards, I blame the migraine that is making thinking hurt more than usual.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Herms coaching tree is truly wonderful.

First, he was under Martyball, then homophobic Skeletor. His one assistant to become head coach, 5-Chan.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

More like a Deadly Nightshade bush instead of a tree.

blaxabbath
Member

Herm coached Trent Green.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“I didn’t know that.”
-T. Green

blaxabbath
Member

“That Trent Green played with his heart. I should know, I’m Herm Edwards.”

-T. Green

litre_cola
Member

WHY DIDNT PEDERSON CHALLENGE THE FORWARD LATERAL FOR FUCKS SAKE.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

He probably didn’t think you could.

I mean, I didn’t think you could. Since when can you challenge a call that WASN’T made?

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Bitchin’ Kamara is fantastic, and if I weren’t so superstitious about changing team names that would instantly be the new name for my DFO squad. That man is carrying that team.

Don T
Member

The Tits get three false start penalties deep in their territory to get a 4th & 19 in the endgame… And HOU converts a 22 yd. pass. Made me glad DirecTV’s still on blackout; otherwise, I’d have to buy a new TV and cellphone. The inside / outside coverage on Hopkins on the INT was POIFECT. That highlight made my day.
Many in Nashville are LAMENTING the team’s 8-4 ‘cause they won’t fire the coaches who are stunting Mariota’s development. Sorry, but that’s dumb. He came back from a broken leg, played hurt with a hamstring, and now has 5 rush TDs—most in a season for him, thus far. Same people who’ve been saying “Oh we [sic] need Corey Davis to return to the lineup”, as if he’s been Megatron Harrison. Dude’s barely practiced! God I miss the days when the Internet could be used for joy, instead of bitter punditry.
I don’t care if Bob Arum hisself lined up the ‘17 palookas for the Titans faek AFC-S title run. IMGONNA ENJOY THIS DAMMIT.
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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

All you have to do is type in Pornhub…

monty this seems strange to me
Member

Did you guys know Jimmy Graham used to play basketball?

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