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Evening, degenerates. Your usual sot/introducer was unable to cobble together enough enthusiasm to slog through three of these open threads today, and who can blame him? I climbed out of the content mines juuuuust long enough to hit 30,000 feet and write up a little something from my skychair, where I am mercifully prevented from gorging on NFL crumbs. Let’s quickly take a look around the league to see what’s been afoot today:
In the early games, the Titans beat up on their imaginary friends (but at least Tom Savage got a participation trophy), Ravens made the Lions look like almost as big of a joke as their failed stadium implosion, Brett Hundley needed overtime to defeat Crabby McRaperson’s creamsicle wannabes, the Vikes’ running game overcame the mighty Falcons’ offense and its total output of three field goals, the Jaguras (is this an odd week?) routed the Clots, the Patriots earned a big win and a likely suspension (or at least fine in case Rog can’t afford to piss off both of the most powerful owners) for their biggest, stupidest animal, the Dolphins giving up a pick six still couldn’t help the Broncos in an old fashioned ass whooping, and Josh McCown embarrassed the Chiefs more than Andy Reid at a dinner table.
And in (former) home cooking, Robbie Gould beat the bad news Bears 15-14 with seconds remaining in a game that featured a whopping 15 pass attempts from franchise quarterback Mitch Trutitsky. Janaene Garofolo wasn’t asked to do much and obliged (26 of 37 for 293 yards, no TDs, and one INT) in a game that was exciting only if you love kicker revenge porn.
That poo-poo platter left unbalanced leftovers for the afternoon games, which were only just starting when this plane took off. Since United’s “Your internet purchase is processing” was still showing when I landed, I can only assume that Cleveland won handily, YO! Gabbert Gabbert gabbed it, RAMMIT! Rammed it, Geno Smith rolled over and played dead, and our DFO Vegas Crew is Scrooge McDucking it after the Saints and Raiders held up their ends of the smartest six team parlay the MGM’s sports book has ever seen.
Oh, you don’t say. As of this writing, the jury is still out, but at a minimum Cleveland looks like they’re still Cleveland, and tWBS and company may have Geno to blame if they’re required to service a few more culinary union employees before they can pay for their rooms out there. Seems like worse things have been admitted to being done in Vegas. Still, DAMN YOU, GENO!
Which brings us to tonight’s Aviary Assault! The Seattle Seahawks, unlike the SuperSonics of yore, don’t have a geography problem as much as a head coaching overconfidence problem. But I have to admit that the Charmslinger has put some things together this season despite A) Pete Carroll, B) Blair Walsh, and C) Russell Wilson being a complete douchetool. Meanwhile, the Philadelpia Iggles are taking advantage of a solid backfield platoon, an above-cromulent season from Carson Pirie Wentz, and a putrid NFC East to pretty much lock up the division week 12. Tonight, they go head to head or talon to talon or whatever birds do. I know we have both Eagles and SeaChickens fans here at DFO, so keep it clean(ish). My guess is the Iggles roll with another Blair Walsh Project missed kick factoring into the outcome. But hey, what do I know, I’m just writing this from a large mechanical bird. Tied it all together, NAILED IT. Anyway, in the meantime, eat, drink, be merry, for tomorrow we die. I think Dave Matthews was singing about being forced to watch the Bengals play when he wrote that, right?
Anyhoo, as of a few hours ago the Eagles were only favored by 3.5. The Vegas bunch should get back to the sportsbook! And for the rest of yas, TO THE COMMENTS WITH YOU!