Holiday Shopping Guide. How to buy presents for the young ladies in your life

laserguru

laserguru

yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn’t plate.
laserguru

banner image courtesy of:

Happy holidays folks! You know Christmas is just a few days away don’t you? You didn’t procrastinate again this year did you? Goddammit! Why do you do this to yourself? Now it’s getting too late to order something online and have it shipped to you.

You may even have to go to…

/shudders

The Mall!

Fuck that! You know some people say they actually like going to the mall around the holidays.

Are you fucking insane?!? What the fuck is likable about not finding parking, about overcrowded stores or impatient assholes running over each other just to buy something at 10% off?

No! We are not doing that. You are going to probably want to sign up for Amazon Prime and just buy the shit online like a sane rational person. They can even do next day delivery. That’s what a civilized person with some fucking sensibilities would do.

Trust me.

OK. That’s sorted out. Now, what to buy? That’s why I’m here. To give you some ideas and general suggestions but with a quick disclaimer; this is a gift guide for buying for girls. Somebody else can tell you how to shop for boys because I have ZERO experience with that shit. As a father of 2 daughters and a grandfather of 3 granddaughters this is the only shit I know.

I remember when my ex was pregnant thinking about all the cool stuff I would buy if the baby was a boy. Baseball gloves, basketballs, Hot Wheels and G.I. Joes, all the cool shit that I wanted when I was growing up.

Well guess what? I apparently have no “Y” chromosomes whatsoever. And it’s a generational thing too!

When the daughter was born I was utterly clueless as far as what to buy for her. I was brought up with only boys in my family. No sisters and no exposure to female gifts.

I did learn and over a period of time I even became pretty damn adept at gift giving for the young ladies. If you are buying a gift for a little lady I am going to offer some assistance. It’s really not that hard.

First thing, let’s cover a couple of ground rules.

Rule #1: Fuck the franchise! DO NOT under any circumstances think you can simplify your gift giving over a period of time by buying into a franchise like Barbie or American Girl or any of that madness. Just look at this shit!

That’s a Barbie Dream House. That’s 150 bucks American. That’s fucking lunacy. That also doesn’t include any actual Barbies.

My daughter Eldest Right was brought up on the Barbie franchise. While it does make gift giving easier because for several years in a row you can cheat and just buy Barbie shit it also removes any actual good gift ideas and maybe the kid doesn’t want Barbie every fucking thing. Did you think of that?

Youngest right was tied in directly to another franchise..

Yes, Redshirt that’s My Little Pony.

Just plain lazy and painfully expensive if you travel this route. That way is madness.

Rule #2: Always go for quantity over quality. Especially if the recipient is young.

Give them a bunch of small gifts. Remember kids enjoy opening packages more than the actual content of the packages.

Rule #3: All bets are off if there are female siblings in the same house. My girls are a few years apart in age and they had a a bit of a mean streak towards each other. When they got into arguments the motherfucking gloves came off. One day eldest right came into the living room in tears and said “Dad, youngest right ripped the heads off of all of my Barbies!” and youngest right replied “I haven’t seen my purple pony for a week and you were playing with it last!”

I guess what I’m saying in this instance is keep it cheap if there are siblings. Vengeful little heathens

Rule #4: Don’t buy clothes! Especially if you’re not the direct parent. You have no clue what the current fashion is for a girl of whatever the fuck age. If you buy the wrong thing that little girl ain’t EVER gonna wear that shit out of the house. The only time you will ever see it is when you personally visit their house when she will wear it just to appease you. No dammit. Buy toys or crafts.

Rule #5: Don’t start giving expensive gifts too early. It raises expectations. Be a cheap bastard early and you will save some Christmas dough in the long run. My oldest granddaughter got an Ipod Nano one year because I thought that would be cool. It was missing less than a week later and has never been seen again.

Final Rule: Don’t be an asshole and give a gift with 5,000 tiny pieces. Sorry, this includes Legos as well. Family story time! My oldest brother has two daughters who are pretty close in age to youngest right. Each year for Christmas it was easy to shop because they were in the same general age group. For some stupid reason we got into a gift “arms race” for awhile. I’m not sure who started it but it was probably me. One year I bought my nieces a gumball machine with a refill bag of 500 gumballs. Yes, that was kind of shitty of me. Anyway this started the escalation. It continued for a couple of years until my brother gave youngest right a book of 1,000 stickers.

That is some fucked up shit right there. We found stickers on the TV, on every window in the house, on the oven, on the refrigerator, on the fucking toaster. Every fucking where. This was the equivalent of firing the ICBM of gifts.

How did I answer back the following year? The only way that I knew how.

Yep, I gave each of my nieces an air horn AND another bag of 500 gumballs each.

An armistice was signed later that same day.

My nieces, both grown and with kids of their own, will still occasionally call me Uncle Gumball.

 

So what does that leave us to buy? I’m here to tell you.

My three granddaughters are 12 years old, 5 years old and a year and a half respectively. Let’s start with the wee little yowun right. A baby who is just over a year old is right in the Playskool wheelhouse. We are talking about shapes, colors, activity sets.

Here’s an actual present she will receive.

Blocks. Nice and colorful, also teaches shapes and hand eye coordination. Plus it’s only like 8 bucks! That allows us to buy more small presents. I also bought a book that has different animals and there is some faux hair for each animal that the baby can touch. She also is getting a take along musical toy and a ball with different textures and shapes on it. Four or five packages to open and it all cost less than 50 bucks? Fuck yes!

For the five year old or “The Wahini” as she is known, some artsy craftsy shit. She just started pre-kindergarten – she was born in December so she was just under the age limit for kindergarten – and she’s getting the standard exposure to playdough, crayons and scissors and shit. She’s getting this.

As well as a light up tracing dealie. Think of a “Lite Brite” but for tracing things, and she’s getting a butterfly necklace making kit and stuff like that.

I have a sad confession to make. Her birthday being in early December always means you run the risk of combining the birthday gifts with the Christmas gifts. In the past I’ve been able to keep them separate but this year? Yeah. She’s getting birthday presents and Christmas presents at the same time. It’s not my fault! Well some of it’s not. Her mom, eldest right has been working a second job just for the holidays and we just haven’t been able to get together.

Don’t be that guy! Keep each occasion separate!

Shit.

The 12 year old is a little different. She, being the oldest has been my beta-testing group for gift giving. She’s gone though all of my gift giving lessons which allows me to present you with actual practical ideas because she received all of my bizarre gifts in the past. At 12 most girls are getting more into “experiences” and even the cash or gift card range. For the last couple if years I’ve given and then renewed a Knott’s Berry Farm annual passport and something specific for her. Either books, she loves to read, or a small learning based gift.

Here’s where the trial and error thing came in. After a few years my daughter stopped helping me with gift suggestions and basically forced me to come up with an original gift idea.

Shit.

So, some of the presents over the last couple of years have been interesting. She’s received an harmonica, a small learning guitar and last year I even bought her…

A box of rocks. But like for science and shit! She actually really dug it. She’s a super bright girl and this is something she appreciated but still?

Her favorite present that I’ve given her was easily a trip to Universal Studios for her birthday along with a real wand from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

So what is she getting this year?

Art supplies! She’s a hell of an artist and this will keep her busy for a good while.

No, that’s not all, she’s also getting this!

A deck of cards and 50 dollars cash!

She’s right around her 3 month poker apprenticeship and she’s getting to be a badass poker player. Last time we got together she won like 12 bucks from the adults at the table. I taught her mom to play poker when she was about 12 and I’m keeping that legacy going. Poker is very much a right family tradition.

I’m quite proud of the gifts she will get this year because it’s personal to her. It is also most definitely a “grandaddy” present.

In addition to books, which you can give as early as the first Christmas, I am obviously fond of the learning type toys and arts and crafts for the little ladies.

I hope this has given you some ideas for what to buy the girls in the family. You’ve got just enough time to research this shit and make it happen.

Maybe one of our other DFOers with boys in their family can cover the male gender and we can make this all encompasing.

Happy Holidays folks! Glad you are with us and remember: Don’t buy clothes for a present!

Unless it’s something really sweet!

PEACE!

laserguru
laserguru
yeah right is a lifelong Vikings fan. He is into self denial and still harbors hope. Loves to cook, read and drink. But he doesn't plate.
Please Login to comment
14 Comment threads
19 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
18 Comment authors
UnsurprisedOld School ZeroBrettFavresColonoscopyPetronelDon T Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Petronel

BOX OF ROCKS!

My dad would sometimes bring those home from work, with strict instructions to not break anything because they would have to go back someday (and they all did eventually). But I LOVED all those tiny rock samples, and would fart around with them for hours. One of the first books I bought myself was a field guide to rocks and minerals, because of those rock sample boxes. If National Geographic hadn’t turned me on to archaeology at a young age, I might well have wanted to be a geologist when I grew up.

Yep, I was an only child.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

WCS

All sound advice. Thanks, TJ Laser. However, I think we all know who has the best parental advice for Christmas gift-giving:

King Hippo

My 3 daughters all got $250 straight into their checking accounts. No tree, either. Neck hurts like shit this year, and I’m Grinchy as fuck. FATHER OF THE YEAR!!

/yes they are all fucked up, I’m at least 40% at fault surely

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shoulda put that on the Donks with the points.

King Hippo

SRSLY!!! Coulda been $500 if Daddy had any faith, girls.

/they woulda wasted it on clothes they ain’t need

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No tree? But …

comment image

WCS

Butt alright.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Over 6? Get her a tat!

King Hippo

2 of my 3 got one right at 16. Thanks, ex-wife

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

My nieces have hit the age where they just tell me what they want. This year its a basketball hoop, which i got to install with them Christmas day. Last year it was softball gear. The kids make it easy as shit.

My parents….are the fucking nightmare ones. My old man, even though I have never seen him actually drink, said once he likes Scotch. I have a feeling he has never had “good” scotch…

comment image

Going with a 21 year portwood Balvenie. I go to pay for it and get carded for the first time in like 10 years.

“You folks get a lot of minors trying to illegally purchase $200 bottles of Scotch?”

“Nah…you got yer teeth. Usually yer underage then”

I seriously have the weirdest fucking ABC store near my home.

makeitsnowondem

A warm welcome to the newest member of our staff, Roy Moore!

Old School Zero

I hear he’s pitched some Mark Sanchez fan fiction.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You live!

Old School Zero

I wake up every few weeks to try to harass make it snow. Gotta pay the bills somehow.

Don T

Gifts for nieces an nephews that make life unbearable for the parents are the best! Just make sure you deliver the gift. “Leave it here for when he / she comes to visit” it’s the natural risk of gifting bongos.

nomonkeyfun

You just have to make sure you won’t be having any kids. My aunt used to do that for me. When she had kids 20 years after my Mom, my cousin got a drum kit for his 6th birthday.

Don T

Drum kits are the nucular option. That’s straight Rasputin shit.

The Maestro

Man, I was so confused at first when I saw the username attached to this post.

yeah right

Yeah there was some cross log in issues from when we changed from the original site to this one.
I was a little lost myself.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Daughter wants the L-SAT study software. That is not a Christmas gift, unless you are the Marquis De Sade. She is getting a stuffed animal for her dorm room and some nice jewelry the wife picked out.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I think I speak for all the lawyers when I say: She’s better off spending Christmas in Mauritius disassembling ships by hand than going through the bullshit and heartbreak of becoming a lawyer.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Alternatively, I didn’t study for the LSAT while literally every person I know who took it in college took the $1,200 Kaplan prep course (in 2001. So now it’s probably two grand). I still did better than half of them.

Never studied for the MPRE. Passed on my first try.

Would’ve passed the bar the first time if I hadn’t just given up two weeks before. And I wasn’t taking it in the third-hardest state in the country. Seriously, behavior changes having nothing to do with my knowledge gave me the points necessary to pass the second time – water, snacks, continuing my prep routine to a T, and above all, having a positive attitude that I knew that I was going to crush that motherfucker.

My point is that your daughter either knows her shit or she doesn’t. Prep courses and that nonsense will help get her over the hump, but unless she’s like five points from getting a perfect score and into a top 15 or even top 25 program, it’s fucking Christmas. She’s either in or out already.

I’m drunk. Ignore me.

Going back to the LSAT, the logic section is the motherfucker. Any idiot can do the rest. Just memorize the rules to do that seating arrangement chart (WHICH I FUCKING ASSURE YOU HAS ZERO CORRELATION TO ANY GODDAMN FUCKING THING SHE WILL EVER ENCOUNTER IN LAW SCHOOL OR IN PRACTICE. FUCK YOU LSAC. FUCK YOU AND DIE AND BURN IN HELL!)

Enrico Pallazzo

Rule #5: Don’t start giving expensive gifts too early. It raises expectations.

As a cheap dad, OH GOD FUCKING YES.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Lime-, Orange- and TangerineJello have, for several years now, gotten from me a selection of socks and underwear. It started as a joke gift because the little greedy heathens were, well, greedy little heathens. Now they expect it each year.

blaxabbath

My mom still buys us pajama pants to this day. She skipped a couple years back and we were like, “What happened to the PJs?” and she told us that we always made of fun getting them so she stopped that year.

Guess we all made up though because now even the wife gets a pair.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Oh, the Lady LemonJello gets pajama pants and t-shirts for us all as Christmas Eve gifts. We’re even including my parents, brother, niece and her boyfriend this year since they’ll be here at House LemonJello.

Senor Weaselo

Well, this is much better than the article with the same title by one R. Moore.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Wonder what was in that one. Stocking stuffer of morning after pills? Edible panties – skittles flavored? Candy flavored condoms?

nomonkeyfun

My niece is a Christmas Eve baby, turning 2 this year.

I am taking her to Carvel as her birthday present, she loves Ice Cream like Pookie loved crack.

Christmas, will be a cute t-shirt that her Mom, my younger sister will like.
I’m waiting for another year or so, before I start going the parental torture route with her and her older brother.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“What about a puppy?”

–R. Mexico

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[enthusiastic thumbs up]

-M. Vick