The scene: The Secret Island of Doktor Zymm, home to the Secret Base of Doktor Zymm which of course houses the Laboratory of Doktor Zymm where, even now, Doktor Zymm has assembled several DFOers (Marc, Balls, CB and Horatio) and hangers-on (Sharkbait, Man in Plaid #2’s head, Moosemas Gorilla) as she has successfully programmed the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal to lock onto Future Moose and the others who are currently in Hell.
Doktor Zymm: I am glad you could all be here. I have finally managed to…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, lock onto Moose and the other guys in Hell, right?
Doktor Zymm: Vell…ja… How did you know that?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, I was listening to that narrator guy, man.
Ballsofsteelandfury: Here we go again.
Covalent Blonde: Marc, there’s no narrator. You just have voices in your head.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whatever, man. Like, just because you guys aren’t tuned in to, like, the existential network, man. Besides, he has a cool voice. Like, he sounds kinda like Keith David, man.
Covalent Blonde: OK, Marc…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Or is it David Keith? Like, I always get those guys confused, man…
Doktor Zymm: If ve can get back to ze matter at hand…
Horatio Cornblower: So you’ve found Moose and WCS, Dok? That’s great news.
Doktor Zymm: Vell, maybe. Hell ist a very chaotic place, but I have managed to locate zere zignals. Now I vant everyone to listen closely, as zis ist important.
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?
Doktor Zymm: I have programmed ze D.E.R.P. mit precision, zo I vill be sending zeveral of you through it in a very zpecific order. Now, Marc I vant you to…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Woo! First!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van runs into the glowing portal and disappears from sight.
Doktor Zymm: Nein! Zat vas not….
Sharkbait (rushing into the portal): Iz nadda tumah!
Doktor Zymm: Ach! Vat are you doing? Horatio! You must…
Horatio Cornblower: On it, Dok! Let’s go, pal!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!
Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower perched on his shoulder, vaults into the portal and they disappear.
Ballsofsteelandfury (walking over to the D.E.R.P.): Soooo… Did you want the rest of us to go to Hell or…?
Covalent Blonde (walking up and pushing Ballsofsteelandfury through the portal): You make it too easy, Balls. Sorry your plans got messed up, Dok.
Doktor Zymm (resigned): Zeventy-two ztraight hours of calculations…
Covalent Blonde: Bummer. Well, I should probably go and look out for those guys.
Doktor Zymm: Ja,ja… Vatever…
Covalent Blonde goes through the portal and disappears. Doktor Zymm goes over to her desk and picks up Man in Plaid #2’s head.
Doktor Zymm: Shall ve?
Man in Plaid #2’s Head: I would be delighted, Doktor Zymm.
Carrying the head, Doktor Zymm steps into the portal and disappears.
Cut to: Hell. Doktor Zymm steps through the portal and it disappears behind her. She blinks once, then ducks as a pig-headed demon flies over her head. The demon is wingless, of course, so it’s less that he was flying, and more like he was tossed. By Covalent Blonde, who, along with the other DFOers, is currently engaged in a slobberknocker with the Satan’s Swine.
Doktor Zymm: Vat ist going on?
A Satan’s Swine demon runs by squealing, Horatio Cornblower holding onto it by the ears.
Horatio Cornblower: And this little piggy gets a beat-down!
The pig-headed demon runs right into a swinging gorilla paw and goes down hard.
Moosemas Gorilla (as Horatio Cornblower hops onto his shoulder): Ook!
Horatio Cornblower: Nice job, pal! We’ve got these pigs on the run!
Sharkbait pincers two of the Satan’s Swine by their snouts and cracks their heads together.
Sharkbait: Ull be beck!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, that’s what you say when you’re leaving, man! Like, we’re going to have to Arnold-a-thon again.
Sharkbait (nodding): Giddoo da choppah!
Covalent Blonde takes down the Satan’s Swine Prez with a flying headscissors then axe kicks his face into the sand. Ballsofsteelandfury goes running by, a humungous Swine chasing him and twirling a chain over his head.
Ballsofsteelandfury: Aah! Somebody get this guy off of me!
Covalent Blonde sends the Swine sprawling with a leg sweep from the ground, then wraps the chain around his neck and chokes him out. She looks up at Ballsofsteelandfury with a sigh.
Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting a single finger gun): Thanks, CB!
Covalent Blonde: I really wish you’d take my Muay Thai class.
Ballsofsteelandfury: I’m a lover, not a fighter.
Covalent Blonde: Right. And you specialize in dead chicks.
Ballsofsteelandfury (double finger guns): Yeah I do!
The Satan’s Swine Prez runs toward Doktor Zymm with a roar. Man in Plaid #2’s eyes glow brightly and lasers shoot out. They catch the Satan’s Swin Prez dead center and within seconds he is reduced to a smoldering mass of flesh and bone.
Horatio Cornblower: Holy crap!
Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!
Doktor Zymm: You have…laser eyes?
Man in Plaid #2’s Head: I am reticent to use them. Unfortunately they are quite destructive.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (walking up): What smells so good, man?
Doktor Zymm: Oh, Marc…
Ballsofsteelandfury: So, Zymm…we’re in Hell. Where’s Moose and WCS?
Doktor Zymm: I am not sure. I had ze coordinates plotted out carefully, but unfortunately…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, it reminds me of that luau we had, man! We should do that again.
Covalent Blonde (walking up): Gross, Marc.
Doktor Zymm: Ve may have to do zome zearching for our missing members.
Covalent Blonde (pointing over at the Satan’s Swine bikes): Good thing we’ve got some transportation, then. These pig guys won’t be needing them. Especially that gooey, smoking one. Yuck.
Sharkbait (enthusiastically): Ass dala veesta babee!
Ballsofsteelandfury (wincing): Dude…
To be continued…
Your description of me gets more realistic every time I’m on HRTN.
Your HRTN character has moved up on my “easy character to write dialogue for” list. CB and Marc are near the top. Moosemas Gorilla is near the bottom. Every “Ook” has to be carefully planned out, for maximum narrative effect.
Funny, you type in Ass dalia into the Google and you get this:
I’m totally not gonna search that later.
Remember, Ass Möde is a way of life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rzyto43_-Hc
I had laser eyes in high school. I miss them sometimes
The Bahamas Bowl sounds fucking awesome.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CFB/comments/7lj7wz/i_am_currently_at_the_bahamas_bowl_and_im_here_to/
But the famous Idaho Potato Bowl with 30 degree temperatures sounds so much more fun.
But what about Wichita?
The Bahamas is so neutral it’s not even in the U.S., though.
This is awesome.
Nice.
I actually tuned in for about five minutes of the game while folding laundry and in that time OU (who was up by like 28 points) threw the ball on almost every down and ran a flea flicker.
Sharkbait is speaking my language.
Something about a crabman learning to speak English from watching an Austrian action hero made me laugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXjfvx-k1Ms
Paging ballsofsteelandfury, I have Craig James on line 1. He wants to talk shop.
Yeah, but that pussy can only do five.
Hmmmmm….
Something seems less dynamic in this week’s episode. I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Your foul-mouthed, Hellweed-smoking, (allegedly) VD-riddled HRTN self will be back next week.
Spoilers, dude!
“Allegedly” being the keyword.
Just a placeholder until Sexy Friday officially begins:
She looks like she’d enjoy a visit to see my peninsula named Dingle.
And also to my homeland in Ireland.
Just your luck! She’s only into bantamweights.
Doh!!!!!!!!