Your Early Afternoon Slate of NFL Games Open Thread

Are you footballed out yet? If you are this site is no place for you. Gird your pyjama bottoms, eat some processed sugar product, find some caffeine, (have you tried that coffee enema yet? Maybe now’s the time) get rid of the family and lock the doors. You’ve got some watchin’ to do! TO THE GAMES!

Chicago/Minnesota:

When Minny wins (are you saying there’s another possible outcome?) they will have earned a first round playoff break. John Fox’s 14-34 record as coach of the Bears will be Exhibit A when his firing is announced tomorrow.

Cleveland/Pittsburgh:

Looks like them Steelers are without Antonio and that Ben and Bell will be pulled early if they play at all. Once again, if your fantasy league plays its champeenship on week 17, you’re a schlmiel.

Dallas/Philadelphia:

The Cowboys playoff aspirations went down last week vs the Seahawks and all the haters (myself included) were sated temporarily. If they can just pull off another loss today Jason Garrett will achieve the 8-8 record his coaching ability deserves.

New York Jets/New England:

The Jetskis are going to roll over like a puppy that wants its belly scratched. The Pats, like the kid that is a nascent psychopath, will see this gesture and respond by “punching that fucking puppy right in the goddamn face!”.

Green Bay/Detroit:

Turn off the lamp Jim Caldwell, the party’s over.

Washington/New York Giants:

Eli might be putting his helmet on backwards for the last time as a Giant today. At least he’s got that 3 game starting streak to brag about. A D that has given up 378 points so far will be without starters Collins, Jenkins and a certain cancerous Apple. Take the over, Hippo.

Houston/Indianapolis:

The Texans have no choice but to start TJ “19 of 47” Yates today. Watch this one for the intercepts and giggles.

Give me that thing you got down below. (I’ve had my shots)

 

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Redshirt

Poor #19. He looks like he’s about to cry.

WCS

Mike Polk Jr. is going to have something amazing for this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun times in Cleveland today…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I owe my dog an apology for laughing so hard at that drop in the #Pauls game. It scared her.

JustStopDude

Kizer has an amazing career game…and he is already being ripped apart online for that last drop.

Redshirt

Why? That was a great pass under duress. Tom Brady and Aaron Rodger’s love child couldn’t have thrown a better pass on that play.

JustStopDude

The fucking moronic fan base seems to think that QB’s come from college fully ready to play.

It doesn’t matter who they draft. They do not develop talent. They throw these kids in the field and then blame them when they struggle.

How many fucking first round busts are we going to have before someone in the organization notices that the only consistency is the fucking browns organization.

LemonJello

Self aware ownership? Maybe when Skynet takes over and replaces us all with cyborg slavebots.

Redshirt

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King Hippo

Minny really should take an intentional safety on 4th down.

King Hippo

never mind, JEEBUS

Spur

i feel for Kizer.

King Hippo

that was just wrong

...

So… this refers to being a broke sex tourist who tried to fuck his brother’s fiancee, right?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Get. Off. The. Internet.

...

Log off? I WILL NEVER LOG OFF

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He sounds employable.

...

I figure there’s some spin going on here, but it would be interesting to see how others describe him.

WCS

I hope this guy gets his dick cut off by a Thai ladyboy.

...

Also I’m sorry this is so big. I want to make it about 75% smaller.

LemonJello

Oh, #The Pauls.
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WCS

Brownies gonna Brown.

King Hippo

#ThePauls, ending on a flat-out drop

Redshirt

Ha!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That was what maybe 7 offensive plays inside the 4?

King Hippo

get a safety PLS

King Hippo

goddamn, Bearistocrats

Spur

haha, that was a shitty play calling.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nothing would be Brownsier than a pick 6 on this drive

King Hippo

c’mon, let garbage time be garbage time

LemonJello

#ThePauls driving…how do they shit this away?
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rockingdog

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King Hippo

FUCK YOU BISCUIT

King Hippo

FUCK YOU CUNNINGHAM

Petronel

SAFETY DUNCE

rockingdog

Pats getting that #1 seed! bow wow!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Are we over our quota on Pats fans now?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep, 2.
Gotta kill one of ’em.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I suggest we use one of Maestro’s this week in violence posts for inspiration. Own petard and all.

...

Oooh. If the Lions get another TD + PAT we’ll have some scorigami action!

King Hippo

PLEASE kick a meaningless FG and cover

rockingdog

Truth biscut gonna get a TD!

King Hippo

also ok

King Hippo

JUST SCORE DAMN YOU

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know this is going to end on a failed 4th and goal.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I KINDA want to see Keenum get hurt here…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Checking back in on the HRTF Champeenship…
Holy fuckballz, how did I lose to these assholes???????

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least Cleveland’s offense can tackle well.
To be fair tho, they’ve had lotsa practice.

WCS

Whoever is calling the Stillers-Brownies game is clearly drunk. I guess I can’t blame him.

Gratliff

Rise Against bumper music bugs me more than it should

Col. Duke LaCross

Faction on SiriusXM plays way too much of that band.

Gratliff

I love me some Rise Against, but there could be no place it belongs less than NFL broadcasts

King Hippo

WHY don;t you want to cover, Chi****?

LemonJello

You know what you did.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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King Hippo

resting all key starters, Yinzers just had their FIRST penalty, in Q4 on a punt. Almost like they are well-coached or sommet.

Damn Omar Epps for keeping me from hating them completely.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Vinny Testaverde is rolling over in his grave right now.
What? He’s not dead? Well he should be.

Senor Weaselo

Pride of Elmont!

Spur

we still do the the hot mugshots ladies?

Spur

We’re all working a shift at the Factory today? Steelers losing today would be great.

Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Was that Rival Sons as the bumper music?!

Spur

Hey! Why are the Cowboys winning? This fucks up the draft.

Brick Meathook

That “Seal Team” show looks worse than awful.

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s no accounting foar taste….
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LemonJello

Is that where the Airtight Trio plays on Thursday nights?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, Cleveland, will you ever win?

[no]

LemonJello

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herodotus450

Cleveland really can’t even beat Pittsburgh’s second (or 1.5on average) stringers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is Trubisky seeing things/receivers?

King Hippo

why don’t you assdicks RUN?

King Hippo

YESSSSSSSS, backdoor status? OPEN!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

/seals back shut

Redshirt

Well, it would be ungentlemanly to turn down a lady’s request.

(unzips)

theeWeeBabySeamus

This guy gets it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sandusky Register

*snicker*

Yes, I’m going to hell.

King Hippo

Kiss some tittays, you dipshit. Hippo needs a cover

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

SPOILER: That ended badly for him
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King Hippo

Frank Gore, like Curtis Martin before him, does NOT belong in the Hall of Fame. It is not the Hall of Pretty Good Plus Longevity.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Agreed

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

HAWT TAKE:

Fancy donuts are often not as good as regular old donuts. Waited in a fucking line for some fancy hipster donuts in SD yesterday, didn’t eat them until we hit the road, and was terribly disappointed.

Dunstan

Agree. The donut shop near me is very good, but the selection is now 80% weird stuff.

Gratliff

Counterpoint: Cops & Doughnuts in mid-Michigan is the only good thing to ever come out of law enforcement and they do all sorts of crazy shit. Pictured; The Squealer, which is either referring to the bacon or the cops. Not sure.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wouldn’t care; the name is fantastic.

herodotus450

Sure they’re not going to win, but it’s still amazing that the Jet’s qb has time to play football, drive a nascar, and have a full time singing career all while being dead.

King Hippo

Todd Bowles, if not for Jaguras/RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! miracleness, would get COY consideration from me. Getting 5 wins out of that flotsam (and competitiveness most other weeks) is a goddamned heroic effort.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

And now, a haiku!

Bryce Petty is bad.
Hackenberg is worse, dear god.
Wish I had a drink.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game is so riveting I’m actually starting my taxes