Your Early Afternoon Slate of NFL Games Open Thread

Are you footballed out yet? If you are this site is no place for you. Gird your pyjama bottoms, eat some processed sugar product, find some caffeine, (have you tried that coffee enema yet? Maybe now’s the time) get rid of the family and lock the doors. You’ve got some watchin’ to do! TO THE GAMES!

Chicago/Minnesota:

When Minny wins (are you saying there’s another possible outcome?) they will have earned a first round playoff break. John Fox’s 14-34 record as coach of the Bears will be Exhibit A when his firing is announced tomorrow.

Cleveland/Pittsburgh:

Looks like them Steelers are without Antonio and that Ben and Bell will be pulled early if they play at all. Once again, if your fantasy league plays its champeenship on week 17, you’re a schlmiel.

Dallas/Philadelphia:

The Cowboys playoff aspirations went down last week vs the Seahawks and all the haters (myself included) were sated temporarily. If they can just pull off another loss today Jason Garrett will achieve the 8-8 record his coaching ability deserves.

New York Jets/New England:

The Jetskis are going to roll over like a puppy that wants its belly scratched. The Pats, like the kid that is a nascent psychopath, will see this gesture and respond by “punching that fucking puppy right in the goddamn face!”.

Green Bay/Detroit:

Turn off the lamp Jim Caldwell, the party’s over.

Washington/New York Giants:

Eli might be putting his helmet on backwards for the last time as a Giant today. At least he’s got that 3 game starting streak to brag about. A D that has given up 378 points so far will be without starters Collins, Jenkins and a certain cancerous Apple. Take the over, Hippo.

Houston/Indianapolis:

The Texans have no choice but to start TJ “19 of 47” Yates today. Watch this one for the intercepts and giggles.

Give me that thing you got down below. (I’ve had my shots)

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ha ha ha ha ha Cleveland.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I wonder if balls still wants to bet on this one?

ballsofsteelandfury

Of course, being in LA, I do not get the game. What’s happening?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yinz up early 7-0 with ease.
Browns now Browning on offense.

LemonJello

The expected shit-show-circus starting for JuiceBoxHotWheels v [*Redacted] s.

King Hippo

DARKWA DUCK!!

...

I’m looking at the 506 sports map and far, far too much of the country is being exposed to Bears-Vikings.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That sounds like it could also be a map of medieval Finland.

Romonobyl

That’s a lot of exposure.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Get me points JuJu!!!!

Oh right, I’m not playing today because I suck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sunny and snowing. Only in Pennsylvania FFS.

rockingdog

Chris Hansen is so psyched that ALLLL the teams are playing at THE SAME 7HR TIME WINDOW!
“We were built for days like today!”
……….hahahaha thats great.

King Hippo

coke is GREAT for enthusiasm

...

I think the Bears will win this game because it’s utterly pointless and probably harmful for them to do so.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nope. Not enough competence to keep it close.

King Hippo

Last Heroic RedZone Muzak Montage of season. I sad.

rockingdog

don’t be sad cause its ending, be happy cause it happened!

Romonobyl

There is no point in watching DAL/PHI, yet here it is on my TV box. This isn’t voluntary, there has to be an outside influence. Time to break out the tinfoil hat.

rockingdog

Yea football & beer time! horray!

Fronkenshteen

DeBruyne ded?

Spur

Bears vs. Viks is on. WTF. At least let me hate watch my Cowboys team one last time Fox.

...

Today, we are all Bearistocrats.

King Hippo

just a suckin’ and fuckin’ and shittin’ all over the place…

...

Mostly just shittin’, to be honest.

JustStopDude

The Browns radio feed is just depressing.

They are seriously trying to sell the theme that the Steelers give a shit about this exhibition game despite the provable fact that the Pittsburgh is sitting every single starter and has activated an intern from the ticket department as starting TE for the game.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gotta have something in the cognitive dissonance chamber for the L

Spur

Redzone just showed a Spurs fan at the Pats game. Cool.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Some people just like champions.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There is currently enough laundry detergent in our house to do ~200 loads of laundry. My wife’s response to this: “I think we need more laundry detergent.”

King Hippo

Your wife will be ready for the zombie apocalypse. Laundry pods will be better than premium brand cigarettes, then.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How many loads can she take?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You bastard.

Romonobyl

Sounds like mine. Sometimes she’ll come back from the store with enough stuff to restock a cruise ship. I don’t understand why she does this unless she knows more about the upcoming apocalypse than the rest of us. Women go to the bathroom in groups for a reason you guys.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Women go to the bathroom in groups for a reason you guys.

I always assumed that was because they were worried that THE BEN might be lurking in there.

yeah right

Such a strange dynamic with today’s games. Outcomes from the early games can render the late games almost entirely moot.
I suppose that gives us license to drink earlier!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you need an excuse to start drinking, it’s almost midnight in Bangladesh.

King Hippo

well, not entirely moot HAIL GAMBLOR

Game Time Decision

Think one needs to pace themselves today. Lots o drinking time today

Unsurprised

Already ahead of you. Now I’m going to have to walk to get more.

rockingdog

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Unsurprised

https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/7n8ocd/every_single_hour_of_my_2017_recorded_oc/

If I did that and looked at it, I would have to kill myself and it would be entirely justified. I’ve wasted the last 15 months of my life.

...

Oh God, I’m thinking about what mine would be like.

King Hippo

this is why we watch a metric fuckton of sports, takes our minds of how shitty life is!

...

So much of mine time would be pure shitposting.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, it snowed last night.

I would have known that sooner if I’d bothered to leave my apartment before now.

yeah right

It fogged here.

King Hippo

we have three days in a row of high 31-32, low around 12. No precip, just weenie shrinking awfulness.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Now I can blend in better.

King Hippo

#BlackPanthers up to +165 @ Megatron’s Butthole, that’s pretty good odds for another Falcons shitting they dicks, $55 on that to round out the GAMBLOR day. 5 bets is nice.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, I missed that one.
Heck yeah…2 bills on that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Again, how big are your bookies’ homes?

King Hippo

I will be about dead even if Boomer Sooner loses, have doubled my $2500 stake if they wins.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m more cautious (and way stupider) than my Hippo friend.
$200 layout yesterday netted a +400-ish return. Now I’m just fucking around with the $600 more or less to make things interesting.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I still can’t believe you’re riding that much on that game.

King Hippo

at least it’s essentially house scrilla now (thanks, JV exhibition season!!)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha…even got in at +175. Even seeing it as high as +190, but not with my service.

herodotus450

Yellow card for that!? (Only saw the one replay though.) Don’t they wear shin guards anymore?

King Hippo

Bungles/Ratbirds line has shrunk to 8.5. Wondering why…

#ThePauls all the way down to +5. The ppls BELIEVE!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dean Pees retiring?
Nah, that can’t be it.

Spur

Gronk is going to get hurt today.

King Hippo

as long as he scores first so I beat “he of many resting dudes” Brocky

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wait, what did *I* do?”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Alternately:

Sorry, 2017 already got him.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t see the word “whore” anymore without hearing “hoor”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RC7hZY3sVxE

Unsurprised

God willing. But God has long since abandoned us.

Spur

Morning Folks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[Nick’s family, at a funeral]

rockingdog

Anyone watching the West Brom vs Arsenal match?

herodotus450

As long as there absolutely no follow up questions, yes; yes we are.

herodotus450

Now I actually am watching it thoug–and it’s halftime.

King Hippo

wait, City lost their streak to fookin’ PALACE??

King Hippo

SNOW in Yinzburgh. YAY!!!!!

King Hippo

that is the Raleigh, NC local game for some unknown reason, too

theeWeeBabySeamus

Since it’s Canadia, I presume I have 15?

herodotus450

But that’s still only 11.3 after converting from metric time.

theeWeeBabySeamus

As long as he doesn’t get Modelo sloppy again, and I get my puppy this time, it’s all good.

Stupid sexy metric system.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet alien species laugh at us for using a base-10 system instead of base-12.

theeWeeBabySeamus

If that means my penis is bigger, I’m willing to listen.

Unsurprised

I love the idea of him redlining his new, faster wheelchair.

I got a new wheelchair recently, which a) is cool because it’s 20% faster at top speed, and b) reminds me of a story from when I got the last one…

— Brian Grubb (@briancgrubb) December 31, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised

Holy shit. Nice.

And the hospital — shouts to Magee Rehab — has this sick rooftop patio right in Center City Philly, with almost like a wheelchair obstacle course set up. Curb cuts, ramps, simulated cracked sidewalks, bumpy roads, etc.

— Brian Grubb (@briancgrubb) December 31, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised

Oh my fucking God. I’m dying.

Which means, for two weeks, employees whose windows faced that roof watched a goofed-up loon scream around a roof in an electric wheelchair for 20 minutes every day around noon, like I’m training for a role in a Fast & Furious movie, then head back inside like nothing happened.

— Brian Grubb (@briancgrubb) December 31, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love Danger. I wish he would come hang out. He was very complimentary of my “Breadsport” pitch.

yeah right

Hey Scotchy, may the Schwartz be with you.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The biggest piece of suspense in this morning’s games will be whether deviantBastard’s quote can hold up for an unprecedented FOURTH week in a row.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo would like to bet on that plz, k thx.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Texans have no choice but to start TJ “19 of 47” Yates today. Watch this one for the intercepts and giggles.

A polite reminder that the Texans, like the Browns, Packers, Cardinals, Dolphins, et al, all had other choice7 this season.

Unsurprised

They all can eat shit and die.

herodotus450

Heh, remember when everyone was pissed off about the anthem, for one reason or another?

yeah right

It’s simply a really crappy song is all. Nothing to get that upset about.

herodotus450

Anyone who doesn’t know the second and third verses verbatim should be amputated and shipped to Gitmo smh

theeWeeBabySeamus

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I didn’t sit on this goddamned boat foar my fucking health you assholes!!!!

— F. Scott Key

theeWeeBabySeamus

Next time a lady friend asks for “swatting”, I’ll think twice.

King Hippo

#Uppity

King Hippo

He’s gotta makes his plllllaaaaaay to make his lovah sttttaaaaayyyyyyy
What wud an angel say the devil wanna knoooooooowwwww???

Also, early ACTION is as such (I’m being all restrained):

Chi**** +12.5 (down to +11 now)
#ThePauls +13.5 (down to +6 now)

Did NAWT bet moneyline, though #StriveFOAR1 is alive and well by the lake.

theeWeeBabySeamus

o/u on CLE/YINZ down to 38.0.
Holy shit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Chefs/Donks down to 37.5. Yikes.
Imma put a bill on Donks to cover -3. What the hell.

Unsurprised

Really? That’s the one rivalry that always seemed to be worth watching.

That seems like a good bet to me.

King Hippo

Paxton Lynch is starting. I have $$ on KC ATS and moneyline

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t trust either side to be honest.
Betting with house money and this will be fun.

yeah right

You do realize that the Vikings are going to play balls out for a first round bye yes? Also I REALLY like the Redacteds over the Jersey Gents today. Really really.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Vikes have a 99% chance of the bye according to 538. They and 2-3 other teams have to lose and the Panthers have to win for them not to get the bye.

But they are going to throttle the Bears anyway.

King Hippo

eh, SO MANY stars have to align even if they lose. I expect Bearistocrats! to keep it close and Minny to play pretty conservatively. Definitely not surprised if Teddy Ballgame plays at least Q4.

Redshirt

In honor of the last week of the Regular Season, please post a meme, GIF or picture that best describes your team’s season:
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Ratbirds:
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Viva La Tabula Raza

Houston Texans:comment image

Unsurprised

Do they?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Unsurprised

What a tragedy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO.
(sorry…not laughing at you or the Silver and Black attack…just your humour)

Game Time Decision

Trying to figure out why the fork is there

Unsurprised

Finally, a group that gets me.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Unsurprised

The Pope doesn’t use toilet paper?

litre_cola

Grreat some plumbing for me to do as the toilet won’t stop running. DO NOT say go catch it or we are internet friends off.

Game Time Decision

Running water is sooooooo over rated

litre_cola

Yeah it is only -35 C here so heading to home depot is not a hassle.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Just turn off the water supply valve after you flush, should work until it warms up enough to go to the Depot!

litre_cola

With baby and wife I have kept turning it on and off but it rattles the pipes (heh) for the 4 floors in our building. I will fix it now so I can get stoned and drunk this afternoon.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Proper Motivation Level: Achieved.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, at least you know how to piss off your neighbors should it become necessary.

Game Time Decision

“Only” -21 C or so here. I’ll run out and get it for ya

But I did have to replace the guts of a toilet a few months ago. Pretty easy job. And spring for the “good” one.

herodotus450

This LED light strip I bought, I call it Michelle Bachman’s husband because it needs to straighten out.

blaxabbath

It is time to completely dissolve the Pac-12. Fuck Larry Scott, fuck his multi-year history of tampering with officiating crews, and fuck his bullshit tv network that he forces great conference match ups to be broadcast on at the expense of the needed exposure that would come from nationally televised games .

litre_cola

The hoops last night was great. Not the result I wanted but you must have been pleased.

blaxabbath

Winning is everything.

litre_cola

Trying to get some money down but the lines are all so wonky

Unsurprised

No money, down.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Obligatory:comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I was looking too. I mean I gotz to lose yesterday’s winnings somehow, right?

But nothing looks good.

blaxabbath

Don’t bet on PAC-12 action this year. These games have Larry Scott’s fingerprints all over them.

Unsurprised

HAHAHA

Arians ghosting on the Cards would be the most fitting way for the team to end the year because so far they haven’t been sufficiently humiliated as befits their incompetence.

rockingdog

Another Joke:
2018. This is gonna be the year that I memorize more than just the chorus to Take On Me.

theeWeeBabySeamus

EDITED: To improve the joke…

Don’t worry, you can have it memorized in a day or….twooooooo!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Doo-doo-doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo-doo-doo-doo…talking away…um…[shit what comes next]…DAMNIT!”

Redshirt

♫ I’ll be gone!
In a day or… ♫ (sings high note)

(dogs howls joins in the melody)

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I think this guy has a question…
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Gonna send this one out to my boy Eli.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poo2xaEhrHE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m not sure that’s something my Eli would enjoy. Here’s something that’s more his style. Gotta shake those sillies out before the big game, Eli!” – Olivia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrxDKhiL1aY

rockingdog

Sad to hear that Pins & Needles magazine has had to fold due to poor circulation.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wait, WHAT? I could live without the pins, but…damn.”

– Todd Marinovich

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m walking on air this morning. Why? Cause shitty 2017 is about to end. CAN’T WAIT!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Can’t wait.”

– LeSean McCoy’s evaluation of his server at the restaurant where he ate lunch

Doktor Zymm

Why no, I haven’t tried to link to a tweet before!

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, I hate trying to link twitter in comments or in posts.
Twitter suck all teh ass.

Doktor Zymm

theeWeeBabySeamus

So you’re telling me there’s a chance.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Wow, some nice shitty footed ball today!

JustStopDude

Can Hue pull it off? If he goes 1-15 again, he has to jump into Lake Erie (he promised this last year when a reporter asked him why he had the nerve to cash checks after going 1-15). One has to wonder, if he goes 0-16, will he use that as an excuse to not jump in the lake?

Knowing Hue, the answer will be yes.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Can the NFL just, like, fire the Browns? Instead of firing a head coach, just fire the entire organization. There’s plenty of candidates out there to replace them – Clemson, Alabama, Georgia…

JustStopDude

The Browns are everything wrong with the NFL. With revenue sharing, they are never in danger for going under.

They most likely make MORE money being utter shit than consistently going 7-9.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have a hard time seeing relegation working within an NFL context, but I’d sure love to see them try something like that with college ball.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Hue? Shit that went down there was even worse than Khe Sanh. Fucking Tet.

herodotus450

Does anyone (a wobsite for example) keep track of season long individual player incentives? Probably not since they would need access to contracts. But it would be about the only thing to make these games watchable, to know whether some third string linebacker is gonna get his 100k bonus if he plays 20 plays, knowing that the coach will bench him after 19.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

@Doktor Zymm – is that something you guys track?

Doktor Zymm

Haha, nah, but Amazon probably can tell based on what they buy with their bonuses

theeWeeBabySeamus

Amazon sells drugs now? Sweet!!!!!

/logs onto Amazon

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: a wopsite is where Tony Sparano met his wife.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey ohhhh!!!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I love this idea. Because you can also see the Tyrod Taylor corollary of which team is limiting touches to prevent an escalator clause…

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