Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
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Last Season, on the Goddess Chronicles….
balls leans in to look at the dashboard of this new girl’s car, just as tWBS has asked. He’s already annoyed at tWBS, and LCSS too. At this point he just wants to go home. Then he sees it. The small piece of rock tWBS saw only moments before. The slightly not quite gray color, with striations of maybe pink? Red? Purple? It’s difficult to pin down. But there it is. Right there on this lovely woman’s dash.
Her rock is slightly bigger than his (giggity), but otherwise it’s a perfect match for the one balls now holds.
balls: HOLY. FUCK.
tWBS: There it is!!!!!!
Vanessa Huppenkothen: But….how did you know?
tWBS: We didn’t. Well, he did. Sort of. Mostly, we just had faith. We were more or less letting fate guide us while in search of his goddess. And now we’ve found you.
Vanessa: I still don’t understand.
tWBS only smiles as he picks up the photo and returns it to balls’ paper luggage. He leaves balls’ small heart shaped rock lying on the table. He stands up and walks away from the picnic table where the goddess named Vanessa still sits, staring at the small rock. Just then balls returns.
balls: Is it OK if we talk?
Vanessa: I think we better. Please, sit…?
The two sit down on the picnic bench and talk for awhile.
RTD: But here’s what I want you to do. I want you to mark today on your calendar. And in exactly one year, I want you to call me. We’ll make “In Search of a Goddess” a reality.
DTZM: Great name, by the way.
tWBS (getting excited): You guys are for real? We’re actually gonna do this?
RTD: Absolutely. In one year. We won’t forget the name [reads from a Post-It note, pronouncing deliberately] tee-dubya-bee-ess.
tWBS (smiling now): Sweet!!!!!
tWBS: So you’re telling me that while I was out there in the cold searching for you…you were in that bus right next to the house…
LCSS (grinning): Yes.
tWBS: And you were…
LCSS (Smiling): Yes.
tWBS: With all three of them at once?
LCSS (laughing and flexing a little bit): Hell yes.
Leticia: You really are a terrible person.
tWBS (giggling): True enough….but I can scratch you where you itch. Trust me. Or are you forgetting last month in Nogales?
Leticia, for once in her life, is rendered speechless.
tWBS: Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s OK. No need to be afraid of it. You can say it.
Leticia: Fuck you.
Salma (to balls): Just because you are Leticia’s friend. (to Luis and Manuel) Okay, boys, we’re going to make a deal and you are going to agree, okay?
Luis and Manuel: Huh?
Salma: Ok, you boys take over for ol’ balls here and Eiffel Tower my ass. You better be good!
Luis and Manuel (stammering): Huh? Whut?
Salma: This is your once in a lifetime chance. Are you going to take it or not?
Manuel (to Luis): Don’t you fucking look at me during, Luis!
Luis (to Manuel): Same to you, maricón!
And…the story continues….
[Six months later, INTERIOR, COZY B&B IN VERMONT]
Manuel: We’ve got a problem. They were supposed to deliver 50 pounds of fresh lobster today for tonight’s party.
Luis: So what’s the problem, Babe?
Manuel: Lover, are you that dense? Do you see any lobster? If this party doesn’t pop, this B&B will never get off the ground and we’ll have to go back to Méjico.
Luis: Oh, right. OK. So now what?
Manuel: Oh never mind, my gruff little Pooh Bear. Who cares as long as I have you to love and to hold foreverafter, my sweet.
Luis: Wait…that’s great and all but we’re still gonna kill those two guys eventually…right? Also stop calling me stupid shit like “Pooh Bear”.
Manuel: Oh fuck yes….we are going to kill those Hijos des las Grand Putas!!!! Eventually. But first, bend me over and show me the wood from the forests of Vermont…..
Luis: But what about the lobsters?
Manuel: I’m weird, but I’m not fucking a lobster.
Manuel (frustrated): Never mind. It was just a joke. It’s a good thing you’re as sexy as you are Cabron. Let’s go get the lobster and get this party started. It’s the key to our future together.
Luis: And killing those guys too, right?
Manuel: Just follow me.
The two get into their El Camino (hah!!!!), and head to the fish market.
[A Gas Station, Just South of Nogales, Sonora, Mexico]
Leticia (filling gas tank): Hey, grab a drink for me!!!
Vanessa (walking into store): You got it.
Vanessa enters the store and begins browsing. The clerk behind the counter perks up, obviously recognizing her. She grabs a six pack of soda, a six pack of beer, then heads to the counter. She places the beverages on the counter.
Clerk: Aren’t you….
Vanessa (sighing): Yes. But I’m on vacation.
Clerk (still starstruck and not bothering to ring up the sale): Right. But….
Vanessa: Please. Can I just pay for these and….
Clerk: I wanted to ask if….
Vanessa: Please. I don’t want to talk about Soccer. I just want to…
Clerk: No, no. I wanted to ask you about your views on Mexico/German relations. I’ve read your…
15 minutes later, Leticia storms into the store. Vanessa is waxing philosophic to the clerk. Who in spite of his best efforts can’t stop looking at her boobs.
Vanessa (embarrassed): Oooops, sorry. Gotta Go!!!!
She grabs the soda and the beer and the two leave. Without paying. A fact the clerk will realize only later when his boss docks his pay about a coupla hundred Pesos (relax, it’s only like $10 US…he’s not gonna starve).
They both climb into the car and Leticia fires up the engine. As they pull out and head north towards Nogales, Vanessa asks…
Vanessa: So once we’re on the US side, how much further?
Leticia: It depends. A couple of days at most, but if we swap driving we can make it quicker.
Vanessa (excited now): That’s not bad!!! I can’t believe I finally get to see him again. It’s been a month since the last time…. (blushing now) … Well, you know.
Leticia (laughing): Haha, so how much have you spent on batteries?
Vanessa (blushing even more now): Oh honey, you have to use the cord. The batteries wear out too quick.
They drive on, cross the border into Arizona, and continue heading north.
[Los Angeles International Airport]
The plane touches down and taxis to the Jetway. tWBS tries to grab all his shit and get up faster than anyone else, but the douchenozzles at the front of the plane…the ones who decided to pack half their shit in a “carry on” which barely fits the requirements and…oh yeah…is above the weight restrictions too but at least you didn’t pay to check a bag you fucking assholes…..
…well, they manage to get into the center aisle before tWBS can exit the plane. So he’s stuck. He pulls out his phone and dials.
Rikki-Tikki-Deady (answering without looking at phone): DFO Produc (looks at phone)…..errrrrrrr … (bad asian accent) … I mean Fat Kok Chinese Takeout.
tWBS: Cut the shit, it’s me.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris (on speaker): Oh thank Christ!! Where the hell are you?
tWBS: I just landed at LAX. I’ll be dropping by the office within the hour.
DTZM (objects/papers shuffing in the background): That’s great! But the thing is…
RTD: …The thing is that we’re about to leave the office…
DTZM: …for a meeting. Big meeting! We’re ummm….
RTD: talking to Julie about scouting talent for Goddess!
DTZM: …Yup, talking about going on the road scouting talent.
tWBS: Oooooh cool! So, should I join you guys?
RTD: Nooooooo… I mean, Julie is…
DTZM: Julie’s assistant made the reservations and I’m not sure we can add one more. Don’t worry, we’ll keep you posted!
tWBS: So it wouldn’t do me any good to come there now? Well, maybe I’ll drop by later.
RTD: That will work! Give us a couple of hours!
RTD: We gotta get outta town for a few days.
DTZM: The usual?
RTD: The Usual!!
tWBS still hasn’t moved and is still stuck in the aisle of the plane. He is becoming increasingly agitated. He dials his phone again.
tWBS: Yeah, it’s me. Yeah, I’m on the ground. I thought I had a business thing, but looks like it won’t happen this go ’round. Yeah, trying to get off the plane now….. but these ASSHOLES!!!!! (a little old lady turns and gives tWBS a glare) … Yeah, you Grandma!!! I’m talking to you!!! How long is it gonna take you to get that bag out of that compartment up there and get the fuck outta my way? I planned ahead…why didn’t you???
Old Bitch: Apparently not or you wouldn’t be behind me. Dick.
tWBS (throwing his phone at the Old Bitch, but missing): Why you fucking old bag. I’ll end you!!!!!
An hour later, tWBS is uncuffed and released without charge. When his personal items are returned to him, he dials his phone. Again.
tWBS: Hehehehe…it’s me again. You’re not gonna believe this….but…..
balls (on phone): Oh I’d believe it. No fly list again?
tWBS: Close, but no. I’ll be there soon. Just gotta pick up the car.
balls: What about Kia?
tWBS: I didn’t tell you? That crazy chick NEVER shuts up. I put her on a plane back to Charlotte weeks ago. Let Cam deal with her…I’m out.
balls: Great ass, though.
tWBS: GREAT ass!!!!! But not the best. I’ll explain in a little while. I’ll see ya soon.
tWBS moves thru the terminal and approaches the Rental Car counter. The clerk greets him cheerfully, then things go south quickly.
tWBS: No, no. I told you. It’s not a rental. I bought the car. I rented last year, now it has sentimental value. So I contacted your company so that when it was taken out of service as a rental and…. You know what? Doesn’t matter. I was told it would be here at LAX three days ago and all I need to do was … (shuffles thru papers and hands them to clerk) … Give these to you and….
Clerk: Oh right. This piece of shit. We were all laughing about this earlier.
The clerk signs the papers where needed, pulls out a set of keys and hands them to tWBS.
Clerk (handing tWBS the keys and pointing): Here. Straight thru those doors and across the street. And I’m required to tell you that once it’s off of our lot, it’s no longer our responsibility.
Clerk: Nothing. Good luck. Sincerely.
Two hours later…
balls (walking towards the car): Where the fuck have you been? And what’s this piece of shit? And where’s Dave?
tWBS: Dave can’t fly. You know that. And how dare you not remember this car?
balls: What? It’s just a Charger Hemi. And it’s beat to hell, too.
tWBS: No. It’s THE Charger Hemi. And we’re the ones who beat it to hell.
balls: This is the same car? Are you shitting me? What’s with the fucking silver stripe? How’d you manage to rent it again?
tWBS: Didn’t rent it. Bought it.
balls (laughing): Oh FFS!!!!
tWBS: And you get to name it.
balls (stops laughing): Ohhhhh. Really?
balls opens the door and gets knocked back by the pot smell. He soon notices the Raiders floor mats.
balls: Let me guess, the rental car guy was a Raiders fan?
tWBS: Yep. That’s why I got such a great deal on it!
balls: Good God. We’re dead. Ok, I christen thee….. Chewy! Mexican Raider Car Motherfucker!
tWBS pulls onto the highway and heads east. He hits the accelerator and a big black puff of smoke shoots out of the tailpipe (giggity) as the abused Hemi engine backfires.
tWBS (looking at balls sheepishly): Hehehe….
balls: Oh FFS!!!!
[Private Residence, Garage, Somewhere in North Carolina]
Dave sits quietly, enjoying the peace and quiet finally. He thinks to himself…
Thank Christ those human assholes left me here this time. I don’t need that stuff again.
He clicks on his radio and tunes to SiriusXM #28, The Spectrum. Soon enough, his favorite song comes on….
Dave gets a little choked up.
Sure it was a pain in the ass. But it was fun too.
Dave feels lonely. He thinks for a moment, then suddenly the garage door begins to rise. Dave’s engine fires to life and he backs out of the garage. He navigates himself onto the highway, and heads west. He adjusts his radio again. This time to channel #34, Lithium. He needs the motivation….
To Be Continued…..