At The Movies VII – Hard Ticket to Hawaii

[Interior, DFO Clubhouse, Downstairs Bathroom, 2:15 AM]
Balls is sitting on the toilet, watching live AFL and…otherwise involved.  Suddenly, he hears a knock on the door.

Mysterious Voice:  KHNOCK KHNOCK!

He looks up and sees this:

Balls:  Oh, hi June!  Or is it Ms. Khnockers?  Lovely to see you!  Won’t you come on in?  Don’t mind the smell.

TWBS and Beastmode hide behind the life-sized poster of June Khnockers.

TWBS (giggling uncontrollably, but whispering):  I told you this would be funny!

Beastmode (also whispering):  Yeah.  At first I thought you went a little overboard on how much weed you added to his cookies, but I think you hit it right on.

TWBS:  Fucker is baked as hell and thinks the poster is real!

High Balls:  Hey June, how come you weren’t in the followup to Malibu Express?

Beastmode:  While high as fuck, he does have a point.

TWBS:  Huh?

Beastmode:  Dude, did you NOT watch all 12 movies?

TWBS:  Well, I started baking cookies, soooo…

Beastmode:  Dammit!  Go to your room and watch Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  Now!

TWBS (sulking):  Fine!  But this was funny!

TWBS walks away as Beastmode is left holding the poster.  He puts on his highest-pitched voice:

Beastmode:  Balls, I’m not sure why I wasn’t asked to return for Hard Ticket To Hawaii.  Do you think it was my boobs?

High Balls:  No, baby, your…er your boobs are perfect!

Beastmode:  Thank you, sweetie!  Now, go back to your AFL game and I’ll wait for you in the bedroom, okay?

High Balls:  Sure thing!

Balls returns to the game and Beastmode slips out of the bathroom.   The last sound Beastmode hears is a large object being dropped into the toilet.


[DFO Clubhouse Breakfast Nook, Next Day]

Balls is pouring himself a bowl of cereal while TWBS and Beastmode stumble in, half-asleep.

Balls:  Morning boys!

TWBS: Mmph..

Beastmode: Ughhh..

Balls:  Rough night?

TWBS:  Sort of.  (in anticipatory glee):  You?

Balls: The beginning was rough, but once I took my midnight dump, everything was right as rain.  I slept really well and dreamt about June Khnockers from Malibu Express!

TWBS (disappointed):  Dreamt?

Balls:  Yeah.  It’s a good thing you let me borrow your pajamas!

TWBS and Beastmode, in unison:  Keep them!

Balls:  So, why are you grumpy?

TWBS:  Beastmode made me watch Hard Ticket To Hawaii last night.

Balls:  And that’s a problem because???

TWBS:  It’s… never mind.

Beastmode: Wait, that’s a classic!  It sets up all the other movies!  Did you not like it?

Balls:  Because seriously this:

Balls has a point.

TWBS:  Oh, I liked it.  I’m just…sore.

Balls:  Well yeah, that makes sense.

TWBS:  No, I mean really  sore.  Turns out that, wellll… I’ve got a history with Hope Marie Carlton, the “actress” who played Taryn.  And watching her bounce all night kinda got me revved up.

Balls and Beastmode (in unison):  YOU KNOW TARYN?????

TWBS:  Hah!!!  Don’t I wish?  But no, I knew  her doppelganger, only in a 5 inch shorter miniature fun size version, and then….

Balls:  Is this another chapter in your fucked up love life?  Because I really don’t wanna hear it.

Beastmode:  I DO!!!!!!

Balls:  NO!!!  Don’t get him started or we’ll be here until midnight.

TWBS:  Can I just say four more words about it?

Balls:  Fiiiiine.

TWBS:  Hoover. Dam. Blowjob. Crash.

Beastmode:  No way!!!  Dude!!!

Balls:  OK, can we please move on to talking about the movie?

Beastmode:  Yay, it looks like we’re doing this again!

Balls:  WOOOOO!!  Ok, so you know, Hard Ticket To Hawaii may have been lil’ Balls’ first experience with boobies on a TV screen.  And what a first time!

TWBS (sulking):  Oh sure, we can talk about your first boobs but not my Hoover Dam Blowjob.  Real fair.

Balls:  Everyone on DFO knows about that story.  You told it during our Vegas Confessions phase a coupla months ago.

TWBS:  Yeah, but now they can put a face (giggity) to the event.

TWBS (flexing a little bit):  No way I was letting that chance go by.  Now we can move on.

Balls:  Thank you.  Roll tape!!!!!

Beastmode:  Who the hell is Ron Moss and why does he get top billing? Like anyone cares who the male actors in this are?  But seriously….Inventive credits sequence. Plus, they probably really had some moving to do. That’s the secret of low-budget filmmaking…multi-tasking!

Yes, this IS the actual title credit.

Balls:  Yep.  Andy Sidaris really was a genius at watching the bottom line.

Beastmode:  Is that an ass joke?

Balls:  It is now I guess.  Also….Oooops.  I guess Henry and Bobby shoulda brought the gun after all?

Beastmode:  Yeah.  White folk on the island with guns and drugs.  This can’t be good.  RIP Henry and Bobby.  We only knew you for a short time, and you died upside down.  Nice shorts, though.

Balls:  There is a reason for proper forklift training.  Now there’s gonna be a contaminated snake.  You know that thing is gonna get loose.

TWBS:  There’s also a reason why Hawaii is so strict about importation of animals.  This could never happen in real life.  I can’t tell you the red tape I’ve had to go through just to get clients who were moving there, clearance for their pets to go with them.  And then there’s quarantine and….

Balls and Beastmode glare at TWBS.

TWBS:  What?  Oh right, sorry.  It’s a movie.

Balls:  As I was saying before Bobo Buffington chimed in…contaminated snake.  Big-ass motherfucking snake! Is it going on a motherfucking plane?

Beastmode:  Hey look!!!!  It’s Dona Speir doing her best impression of Heather Locklear doing her best impression of Heather Thomas.  Shorts and cowboy boots! How many times have I tried to get IWDB to try out that look? I can’t count that high. Especially after vodka. Sweet, sweet vodka.

Balls:  Those are regulation work shorts,  right?  And Wow!!!  Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) is soft, a woman, and now topless. Something about witness protection. Boobs. Dona really wants her to be buff.

TWBS:  Hey!!!!  You stop looking at her!!!!!

Balls:  Make me.

TWBS:  Fine…  But shorts.  Boots.  IWDB.  If I wasn’t already so sore…

Balls:  OK dumbass, please don’t start that shit again.

TWBS:  Hehehehehe.  Well can I at least have some vodka then?

Beastmode:  Guys!! Focus!!

Balls and TWBS (in unison):  YOU BROUGHT IT UP!!!!!

Beastmode:  Hey, don’t take that tone with me or I’ll kick the shit out of both of ya.  Fun fact: I did some full-contact martial arts in the ’80s. These guys suck. Pretty sure Ralph Macchio could kick their butts.  But if you two keep it up, I’ll kick yours.

KIIIYAAAA! Note: Not an actual martial artist. Probably not an actual actor, either.

Balls (whispering to TWBS):  Wow, maybe bringing him into At The Movies  was a mistake, huh?

TWBS (whispering to Balls):  Inorite?

Beastmode:  I heard that.  You both suck at whispering.

Balls and TWBS (in unison):  *silence*

Beastmode:  That’s better.  OK, so we’ve got our Drug Agent (Dona), we’ve got our hot chick in witness protection (Taryn) whom for some reason they’ve co-opted into being a de facto agent, and we’ve got their “cover”.  Airplane pilots for a local cargo service/tourist delivery service.  So in the same trip, we’re delivering a honeymoon couple to a secluded beach, and a snake to the wildlife refuge.

TWBS (sarcastically):  Yeah, that  would happen.  That  seems logical.

Balls and Beastmode glare at TWBS.

TWBS (sulking):  Fiiiiiine.

Balls:  Woo! Actual plane footage! I halfway expected Andy Sidaris to be waving a toy plane in front of a Hawaii brochure and making propeller sounds. Also, an actual theme song? This movie almost had a budget!  But really….Who the fuck goes camping in Molokai for their honeymoon?

Beastmode:  OK, the theme song sucks. I’m guessing the producer’s brother’s band had their big shot…and blew it. He’s now selling bootleg Cody Abilene merch on eBay.  So the guy in the honeymoon couple is definitely hoping for a foursome, right?

Balls and TWBS (in unison):  Unless he’s gay.  Or stupid.

Beastmode:  Right?  And hey look!  It’s The BAD GUY! You can tell…he has a little cane. Those things are only carried by evil masterminds and band conductors.

TWBS:  This guy is supposed to be half Chinese?  Really?

Balls:  He also has an RC Helicopter.  With diamonds in it!!!!  Uh oh, moar bad guys.  But woooo!!!!!  NINJA STAR!!!

Beastmode:  Why are the girls running? They just kicked those guys asses AND got away with half the diamonds.

Balls:  Duh, because they’ve got a contaminated snake to deliver!!!

TWBS:  So, they land on a golf course and park the plane in a parking lot…seems legit.  I don’t want to point out the flaws in the reasoning here guys, but if you need a plane to fly the honeymooners to their spot, then fly the plane again to drop off snakey, then fly the plane again to…

Balls:  What’s your point?

TWBS:  The contaminated snake seems more efficient at traveling than does the Cessna.

Beastmode:  OK, whatever.  We’re kinda getting long winded here guys.  Maybe we should go ahead try to wrap this one up?

Balls:  Fine, I’ll give the condensed version and…

TWBS:  NO!!!!!  All you’re gonna do is talk about the boobs.  Let Beastie do it.

Beastmode:  Hey look!!!!  The German movie poster has William Motherfucking Smith on it!!! Holy shit! OK, I looked this one up, and it’s from 1979…it’s another Sidaris movie set in Hawaii, so it’s kind of the prototype for these. With William Motherfucking Smith!!! I have to see this now. I have one autographed picture, and it’s William Motherfucking Smith. Dammit, how have I never seen this?  You know who actually did karate? William Motherfucking Smith! He was offered a role in Enter the Dragon but had to turn it down due to another part. Which SUCKS. You put William Motherfucking Smith together with Bruce Lee and you have the GREATEST action movie of all time.

TWBS:  On second thought, I’d rather hear about the boobs.  Let Balls do it.

Beastmode: Grumble, grumble…William Motherfucking Smith…grumble grumble.

Balls:  OK, so as we already covered, we’ve got two hot chicks who are drug agents in Hawaii flying a cargo plane as their cover…for some reason.  They’ve pissed off the bad guys by intercepting their diamonds, which were supposed to be payment to the white guys doing the drug running on the island.

TWBS:  The ones who killed Henry and Bobby.

Balls:  Right.  So now, they’ve delivered the snake back to the hangar for some reason, instead of the wildlife refuge.

TWBS:  See my point now?

Balls:  Shut up.  And so they go to the hottub to think.  And show off their boobs.

Beastmode and TWBS (in unison):  Yay!!!!

Beastmode:  For two chicks who just got shot at, and found illicit diamonds, they seem very relaxed.

Balls:  *sigh*  Anywhooooo…..  The bad guys show up to get their diamonds back, so the girls end up going to Edy’s restaurant for their contact with Rowdy Abilene (Cody’s cousin from the last film, who now owns the  Malibu Express  boat apparently) and his homoerotic karate partner.  Those two get a secret sandwich message and then sit around for a day or so before leaving to go help.  Once they do finally go to Hawaii they sit around for two days loading their guns and having sex with each other while letting Edy, who has by now been kidnapped because the bad guys think she knows where the diamonds are, get her ass kicked for days.

TWBS:  You’re kinda rambling, Dude.  Maybe I was wrong, let’s let Beastmode do it.

Beastmode:  Well, this was a movie. A movie that lacked William Motherfucking Smith! He was Conan’s dad, y’know. He also beat Ahnuld in an arm-wrestling match. Damn straight. ‘Cuz he’s William Motherfucking Smith.

TWBS:  *sigh*  Fine…..I’ll do it I guess.

TWBS:  So like Malibu Express , this flick isn’t so much a classic for its writing or acting.  But it’s got boobs, guns, beaches, boobs, RC Helicopters with diamonds inside, boobs, exploding sex dolls, sumo wrestlers, motorcycles, boobs, killer frisbees, exploding helicopters, and more boobs.  And one badass contaminated snake who ends up saving the day when he comes up out of the toilet and kills one of the bad guys…

…and what thanks does he get?  He gets his head blown off by a rocket launcher.  No fair.  Snakey was cool.  And in the end, all the bad guys die and all the good guys are safe.

Balls:  Well, except for Henry and Bobby.

TWBS:  True.  And just like in Malibu Express, they all end up on the back of the Malibu Express boat somehow, and recount what a great time they had.  Which is when Taryn reveals that she’s the only one who knows where the rest of the diamonds are and since she’s not officially an agent, she doesn’t have to tell anyone and they can all share the wealth.  Here, let’s just have them watch this.

Balls: Probably a good idea.  But of course, my girl keeps the diamonds in the end and shares the wealth with her friends.  No wonder I like her.

TWBS:  Your  girl?  Think again there, Kemosabe.  I’m the one who got the blowjob on the Hoover Dam.

Balls:  You do realize that wasn’t really her, right?

TWBS:  It will be the next time I tell the story.  But the movie did keep the running joke that the Abilene cousins can’t shoot for shit.  Which admittedly is kinda funny.

Beastmode:  You know who could shoot?  William Motherfucking Smith!!!!!!!

Balls (whispering to TWBS):  We’re gonna have to do that movie eventually I think.

TWBS (whispering back to Balls):  Yeah, otherwise he really is gonna kick our asses probably.

Balls:  But not yet, because next time, we’re doing the sequel to this one.  Savage Beach!!!!

TWBS:  Why are we doing that one next?

Balls:  Because Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton are in it again…

TWBS:  Cool.  Works for me.  I’ll be able to fantasize about my girl some more.

Balls (punching TWBS in the head):  I told you…MY  girl.

TWBS (kicking balls in the shin):  Ouch, bitch!!!!  What do you think, Beastie?

Beastmode:  William Motherfucking Smith.

Balls:  Is he OK?

TWBS:  Hard to tell.  His eyes are kind of glazed over. Maybe we worked him too hard this week with all of the images and screen caps he did?  But that new banner image he made is freaking awesome.

Balls:  It really is.

TWBS:  Though I have to say he went a little overboard on the tWBS boob censors.  You know, that’s really not as funny as you guys think it is.

Balls (gets TWBS in headlock):  That’s your opinion, Bobo Buffington.

TWBS (bites Balls on the wrist):  Let go of me, asshole!!!!!!  AND STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!

Balls:  Anyway, what are we giving this one?


Balls:  I agree.  OK folks, we’re gonna get Beastmode some water now.  Or maybe some vodka.  But we’ll see you next time….


Beastmode:  WILLIAM MOTHERFUCKING SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

You know, that’s really not as funny as you guys think it is.



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Look, I’m a busy man.

/jams fidget spinner in butthole

Do the chicks get it on or what?


The tease of it is there a few times. But no.
At least not with each other.




Andy Sidaris was a very honest filmmaker in that he took Russ Meyers’ vision and made it his own and made it that much better.



Needed more Landers sisters.

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Senor Weaselo

I’m not sure if you three need to get out more or less. Or whether you need to lay off the weed and vodka or do all of it that’s ever existed.


Guys, at this point I think we’re just entertaining ourselves.


Beastmode Ate My Baby


Really, that’s all that needs to be said.

Senor Weaselo

“Whooo! Ha-haaaa!” -Will Smith (in his younger days)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I will hurt you.