Your Tuesday Vuelta Champions League Open Thread

In Spanish,  whenever there are two legs in a tie,  they all always call the return leg La Vuelta.  The first leg is always La Ida.

Now that your Spanish lesson is over,

TO THE GAMES!

***

Roma v Shakhtar Donetsk (1-2 Aggregate)

Balls: The Ukrainians got the win at home but Roma got a vital road goal. I have a feeling that it will decide the tie.  It’s too bad because I like rooting for underdogs and the Ukrainians seem to be underdogs in damn near everything.  To make it worse, I don’t know anyone outside Rome that likes Roma.  Hell, not even all the people in Rome like Roma!

Predizione:  Roma somehow find a way to score one goal and the Ukrainians can’t find a way to get the equalizer and the aggregate win.  Call it a 1-0 home win and the Ukrainians go back to their ultra hot women to lick their…wounds.

***

Hippo:  I have no idea what to expect, but I hate Roma even MOAR than I hate the Russian-controlled parts of Ukraine-not weak.  I shall let hate/bias carry the day.

Predizione:  Roma has a late goal flagged for offside, the city burns.  (0-0 Draw, Shakhtar 2-1 aggregate)

Litre: I am just happy that at least one of these teams will get through to the next round. I kind of like Roma although I visited there when there were no fans allowed at the Stadio Olympico except for those holding a Roman ID. Probably due to the cop getting killed in Sicily the week before.

Predizione: This one seems like it is destined foar kicks. (2-1, Roma, Italians win in kicks)

Don T: Whenever I hear “Roma” in English, I think of:

1. The proper term for the ethnic group;
2. That boring AF Fellini movie that turned me off completely from him; and,
3. Francesco Totti jokes—basically Polish jokes, at Totti’s expense.

Go Shaktar!

Predicción: Roma 1 – 1 Shaktar Donetsk (Shaktar advances 3-2 in aggregate)

 

Manchester United v Sevilla (0-0 Aggregate)

Balls:  Neither team scored in Spain, which really speaks to English impotence in Europe.  There is probably a greater metaphor/social commentary about English colonialism and Gibraltar in there somewhere.  However, this is a footy preview, so I’ll bypass the extended analysis. Look, everyone knows I’m not a big fan of English teams, especially when they play in European competitions.  I did get a hearty laugh out of Tottenham’s embarrasing exit last week even though I TOTALLY CALLED IT!

The key difference, though, is that Juventus is a hell of a good team and Sevilla… is not.  They are perfectly cromulent and are actually 5th in La Liga, but they’re 11 points from 4th and 27 points from Barcelona.  That’s as good an indication of their level as any.  Man U are 2nd to Man City but they are 13 points behind and I absolutely loathe Jose Mourinho so if you think I’m going to say anything nice about them, you must have tapped into Hippo’s drug supply.

Predicción: A dry and boring 1-0 home win and England gets yet another undeserving team in the next round.  I really want Sevilla to score 1 goal and take the tie on away goals, but I just don’t think they have it in them.  Please prove me wrong!

 

Hippo: One knows Romelu Lukaku shall score again, all will look done and dusted for Manure into the Round of 8.  But somehow, Sevilla will break through in the 80th minute or later.  Fuck those motherfuckers, right in the fuckhole(s).

Predicción: Glorious and heartbreaking (1-1 Draw, Sevilla 1-1 aggregate, advances on away goal)

Litre: I love the fact that the first leg was nil nil. The only players that I recognize is Nolito and N’Zonzi so maybe they bang in a road goal and then send the Mancs packing. Hwever we all know what is going to happen here and it will not please those of us around the clubhouse who enjoy teh futbol.

Predicción: It is going tofollow a script like this. Man U scores, Sevilla scores, Man U scores 2 more times. (3-1 Man U, because we can’t have nice things)

Don T: I hate both teams. Hate Mourinho above all. Stupid windbag.

This smells like a slog.

Predicción: ManUre 0 – 0 Sevilla (ManU goes through on PKs) Everything sucks.

 

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

4 minutes. Don’t cock up my better Win money.

SonOfSpam

Yes – give Hippo his cockbutter!

SonOfSpam

Oh man, now Man U fans are twice as sad. TRAGIC.

King Hippo

the Brits refer to this as a “dry bumming”

SonOfSpam

Ew.

King Hippo

TWO, muthacluckas!!!

SonOfSpam

Damn, always hate to see Man U fans upset.

King Hippo

GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!

King Hippo

seriously, I am beside myself at how Sevilla has managed not to score this half. Bananacakes

King Hippo

going end to end now, these fuckers will die if it goes to extra time

King Hippo

oh, fuck right off, Sevilla.

King Hippo

Halftime entertain:

King Hippo

QPR butt-sexin’ Villa. This is good for the Championship rec yard’s White gang, yeah?

King Hippo

Sevilla keeper comes up yuuuuge

litre_cola

Well at least there isnt curling on instead. THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT USED TO MAKE ME RAGE!!

King Hippo

Canadia get the “Facebook only” bullshit with Roma/Shakhtar, or you get both matches?

litre_cola

On TSN is the roma gamr and on beIn in Manure.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Broncos went shopping for Kirk Cousins, came back with Case Keenum.

Kind of like going to the store for beer and ending up with diet, caffeine-free Mountain Dew.

— Adam Rank (@adamrank) March 13, 2018

King Hippo

I don’t love the Keenum thing, either. But $84M fully guaranteed to Cousins is nigh suicidal.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Jesus.

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So not only a moron but going deaf as well, got it.

King Hippo

Sevilla looks a bit shit so far.

King Hippo

they got better

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

They did not want to go on the cart.

King Hippo

yay, my reference came through!

King Hippo

I have like $90 each on a Sevilla Draw and Win. I think. Maybe more on the win? Almighty GAMBLOR, I beseech thee to smite the Red Devil arseholes.

King Hippo

oh yeah, $130 free play at like +550. $90 on Draw at +320. $90 on Ukraine Not Weak to Draw at +333.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Found a scary funny?

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LemonJello
LemonJello

A young Horatio Cornblower in the wild?

King Hippo

Christ, that’s disturbing.

King Hippo

Theatre of Dreams? BARF

King Hippo

Chefs give Sammy Watkins 3/$48M, b/c they were bound to stop doing smart things eventually.

King Hippo

Brees staying a Saint. Knock me over with a feather.

King Hippo

Hippo officially has new crush now – Ms. Kaitlan Collins.

King Hippo

Back to Greater Footy…I feel better about 2/$36M for Keenum to Donks now that I see AZ gave Sam “Degenerative Knee” Bradford Twenty Fucking Million without an option or anything.

LemonJello
LemonJello

You’d think AZ would have some reservations about a blanket deal like that…

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

So I am watching soccer on Univision, and the play by play, which I understand none of, is being done by this incredible looking brunette. And the way she screams goal makes me hope for her neighbors sake that her bedroom is soundproof.

King Hippo

Kate Abdo on FS1 ain’t bad, neither.

King Hippo

FUN FACT: Vegas learned its lesson from the City match last week. Chelski face longer odds of winning tomorrow (+775) than do Besiktas (+550).

/why, oh why, did I only bet $125 on that match?

SonOfSpam

I like Shakhtar Donetsk because it sounds like a Klingon having an orgasm.

King Hippo

this is a fine Lesser Footy point