Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “It’s Tuesday Which Means…At Least It’s not Monday????” Tuesday Evening Open Thread – August 14, 2018
- Your “The Pre-Season Zombie-Like Apathy Is Palpable” Sunday Evening Open Thread – August 12, 2018
- Your “Hey, It’s Saturday Night So Let’s At Least Act Like We Care” Saturday Evening Open Thread – August 4, 2018
[Interior, DFO Clubhouse, Early Evening]
Beastie and tWBS enter through the front door. Balls sits at the table drinking a fruit, yogurt, tequila, and metamucil smoothie.
Balls: Where the hell have you guys been? I’ve been waiting for you assholes forever to watch this movie.
Beastie and tWBS (in unison): Grumble grumble.
Balls: Fine, I won’t ask. But let’s get started.
Beastie and tWBS (in unison): Vodka first!!!!!
Balls: I’m way ahead of ya.
Balls walks to the kitchen counter and picks up a tray filled with flavoured vodka shots and a remote control. He sits the tray in front of Beastie and tWBS, picks up the remote, and pushes play.
Beastie and tWBS (in unison): Yay, vodka!!!!
tWBS (downing a vodka shot): Holy shit, Balls. Did you put Karate Kid in again? Don’t you ever get tired of waxing off? Phrasing.
Balls: No, I do not. And this isn’t Karate Kid, dumbass. But now that you mention it, starting off with a lone Japanese warrior type doing his daily warrior routine in front of the ocean did make me think I popped the wrong DVD in the machine. Or maybe just that it’s been too long since I’ve seen this movie.
Beastie (downing a vodka shot): Ha!!!! Red Jeep hotties in shorts and boots again. Wooooo!!!! Hey did I ever tell you that I’ve tried to get IWDB…
Balls and tWBS: Yes!!!!!
Beastie: A Malibu Bay film: The sure sign of a quality motion picture. And produced by Arlene Sidaris. No nepotism there, I’m sure.
Balls: Uh oh. Drugs are being smuggled inside the Pineapples.
tWBS: Take ’em down girls!!!!!
Beastie: And boobs in the hot tub. Right on schedule. IWDB tells me that girls hang out topless in the hot tub all the time when guys aren’t around.
tWBS: I KNEW IT!!!!
Beastie: Well…I think she was being sarcastic.
Balls: Not in my head. But here’s a SFW version. BTW, bathing suit design has gone down the toilet since the 80s…
Beastie: And what’s up with those two new chicks on the mopeds? The redhead’s red and black striped leggings and matching top gets my vote for “Least Appealing Ensemble Appearing in this Movie.”
Balls: I call it “Hooker Chic”.
Beastie: The redhead is…buoyant…
Balls: And lovely. Alert viewers will recognize the brunette as “Pattycakes” from Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Happily, this time she’s back with a “meatier” role.
Beastie: So the redhead pulls a badge on the drug runners and not a gun. From hanging out in the hot tub to sunbathing by the pool to wearing clothes from the hooker pile on the Bachelor Party set, it’s a tough life in the Drug Enforcement Division. Speaking of which, do we ever get the line, “I’m D.E.D., but you’re the one who’s dead!”
tWBS (giggling): I love this part where the doctor tells everyone if they don’t get more serum, the kids will all die. The kids are sitting right there, dude!!!! Great fucking bedside manner. LMFAO.
Beastie (downing another shot): SHANE ABILENE THIS TIME?????
Balls (giggling): Yep, another Abilene. This one’s gonna save the kids though. He’s got a case of serum. But he needs Dona and Taryn to fly it in for them. Our girls are not only sexy, but they care about the kids.
tWBS: But apparently not weather reports.
Balls: Dude????? The kids are gonna die.
Beastie (downing another shot): Better the kids than those sweet titties!!!!!
Balls: Besides, I’m sure they’ll be fine. And by “they”, I mean the titties. The kids too, I guess.
tWBS: Ohhhhhh yeah. I’m sure the doctor is even in there right now comforting the kids … “Hey dying kids, there’s some stuff on its way here which can cure you. But you see that storm out there?”…
Beastie giggles. Balls glares at tWBS. tWBS reaches for another vodka shot, but…
tWBS: Hey dammit!!!! Where’d they all go???
Beastie (still giggling): Snooze ya lose, Pal.
Balls: Serves you right. Now shut up and let’s watch this.
tWBS (giggling): Hey look!!! Shane Abilene knows how to fly a helicopter. Allegedly.
Beastie: Well at the very least, he knows how to sit in one. Not the best editing here. But Christ, I wouldn’t trust an Abilene with my 1983 Toyota Celica, much less a helicopter.
Balls: Hey shut up you two, or you’re going to miss the greatest pseudo-porn double entendre ever put onto “mainstream” film. As spoken by Shane Abilene and Dona when he delivers a big ole bag of guns to Dona for the plane trip…
Shane: Agent Hamilton?
Dona: Agent Abilene.
Shane: I want you to see this special equipment I have for you.
Dona: Well, we’re pretty isolated here and I don’t always get my share.
Shane: Are you comfortable with a big gun?
Dona: They have their advantages.
Shane: This baby is larger than most anything around.
Dona: Well I’m not as impressed with size….as I am with performance.
Shane: Once loaded and cocked, all you need is a steady hand on the barrel.
Dona: And what about the actual shot?
Shane: You won’t be disappointed.
Dona: I’ll be the judge of that.
tWBS: Yeah, she will!
Balls: Did I ever tell you about the time I won a Dating Game in high school by answering the question about what kind of gun I would be in pretty much this exact same way?
tWBS: Seriously? What did you do on the date?
Balls: It was a TV Production class. There was no date. But I cracked everyone up on the set with my lines. Totally improvised too. I’m pretty proud of that.
Beastie: OK fine, whatever. So they’ve got the serum, they’ve got the guns and they taxi to the Par 5 number thirteen fairway and take off.
tWBS: Wow, I hope there’s a golf course for them to land on when they get there. OH THANK GOD!!!! And even with the fans and garden hoses which are somehow supposed to make this look like a storm on a bright sunny day, they got the serum there on time.
Beastie: Yay foar no dead kids!!!!! But hey I’m with tWBS on that doctor now. He didn’t even look at Dona’s tits when she delivered the serum.
tWBS: Right???? What kind of quack doctor doesn’t look at her tits?!?
Balls: Guys, try to focus. They just took off again headed for home. But also straight into the storm. This is life or death stuff and…..OH LOOK THERE’S BOOBIES!!!!!! Yes, it’s wet, I think you should change your shirts again. No, no need for bras. I do enjoy scenes where the only things happening are women changing their clothes. That’s gratuitous nudity at its finest!
tWBS (to Beastie): And he tells US to focus?
Beastie: Right???? Why the hell was I even thinking they might keep their tops on?
Balls: OK, I can admit it. I like boobies. But still, they’re heading into the storm and… BLAMMO!!!! Lightning takes out all of their instruments. It’s dark and wet, and they don’t know what they’re doing or where they’re going. Eventually, they get lucky and crash land on the only spot available.
tWBS: Sounds like your last date.
Balls: OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!
Balls dives across the room and tackles tWBS. While they wrestle and settle their “differences”, Beastie calmly gets up and goes to the kitchen. He reaches into the cabinet and pulls out the last of the vodka. He breaks the seal without compunction as he returns to the living room.
Beastie: OK, while those two work things out, I’m going to give the lowdown on the bad guys now.
tWBS (punching Balls in the head): HEY!!!! I wanted to do that part!!!
Beastie (swigging vodka from the bottle): Tough. You’d have just screwed it up anyway.
tWBS (to Balls): Wow, that was kinda mean, huh?
Balls (punching tWBS in the head): Well, he’s not wrong.
Beastie: *sigh* OK…so the gist is that during the waning days of WWII, a small Japanese gunboat stole some gold from the Philippines and took off with it. Then the boat kinda disappeared. The bad guys….
tWBS: They’re not all bad guys.
Beastie: *sigh* If you’d shut up, I’d explain that.
Balls: Yeah dumbass, shut up. Beastie’s got this.
Beastie: OK, so everyone is looking for this gold. Our bad guys range from not bad at all…
tWBS: That’s the Navy guy, right?
Beastie: *sigh* Yes, that’s the Navy guy. Then we’ve got a guy who’s a little bad…
Balls: Fake Army dude but really CIA dude!!!!!! Hey btw, that’s Bruce Penhall. His sterling debut here marks the departure from the Malibu Express world and the arrival into the world of the rest of the movies.
Beastie: Can you guys shut up for a minute and let me do this please?
Balls and tWBS stop fighting and look at one another and shrug.
Beastie: OK, in addition to those two, there’s this fake Filipino guy who seems good but is not.
Balls: That’s Rodrigo Obregón and he’s about as Filipino as tWBS is. But, on the bright side, he’s the one banging Teri Weigel, who looks spectacular. Wow, she just oozes sexuality.
tWBS: I bet she oozes more than that.
Beastie: GODDAMMIT YOU TWO!!!!!!
Balls and tWBS (in unison): Fiiiiiiine.
Beastie: Thank you. So in addition to those guys, there’s two more bad guys. But they’re posing as good guys. See, one of the Japanese officers from back in WWII when the gold was originally stolen, is now on his deathbed and having a pang of conscience. So he spills his guts to two other Japanese dudes, and more or less tasks them with finding the gold and setting things right. But then they get the shit kicked out of them by the two fake Japanese bad guys. Everybody’s kung-fu fighting! Unlike the stiffs in the last movie, these guys have some righteous moves. They also have Al Leong.
tWBS: Hey, didn’t he torture Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon?
Balls: He also stole a candy bar from the Nakatomi Plaza gift shop in Die Hard.
Beastie: *sigh* Yes on both counts. But he and the other imposter are actually working for bad Filipino dude and Teri Weigel.
tWBS: Wow, I’m confused.
Beastie: The bottom line is that all these assholes want the gold for themselves for one reason or another.
tWBS: Other than the Navy dude. Who btw, is the only person in this movie who can act for shit.
Balls: And there’s soooooooo many computer disks flying around. Holy shit.
Beastie: Right. Because in order to find where the gunboat carrying the gold went down, they have to coordinate a lot of different data from different sources. So everybody is stealing everybody else’s computer disks to cross reference. Funny thing is that they’re all vintage 80’s disks. 5.25″ floppies.
tWBS (giggling): Heheheheh…you said 5.25″ floppies.
Beastie (shaking his head and swigging vodka): Anyway…. All of them, good guys and bad guys, now have all the information to pinpoint where the gold should be. And they all head that way. And it just so happens to be the same island where Dona and Taryn had to crash land in the storm.
Balls: Speaking of which, they’ve built their shelter and checked on their survival gear. So nothing left to do now but get naked and go skinny dipping!!!!
tWBS: Woooooo!!!!! Pretty sunset, too.
Balls: Yep, but they soon discover that they’re not alone on the island. The WWII Japanese soldier who originally left with the gold is still around. And he’s very muddy.
Beastie: Yep, Ol’ Mudface is not happy that Dona and Taryn are on his island snooping around. But the girls arm themselves and take him out.
Beastie: No wait, sorry….it was just a rooster. Man, they killed the hell outta that cock. And then I think they cooked and ate it. Does that make them….cock gobblers…?
Balls and tWBS (both snickering): LET’S HOPE SO!!!!!
tWBS: Rut roh….Dona’s upside down now. Last time we saw this, it didn’t end too well for Henry and Bobby. Yep, I knew it. Mudface is moving in for the kill now… Orrrrrrr, not. Why didn’t he kill them? I bet there’s more to this story, huh?
Balls: We’ll get to that. For now, good guy Navy dude, sorta good guy Army/CIA dude and Filipino bad dude have arrived together and are searching for the gold. Dona and Taryn are watching them, but lying low for the time-being.
Beastie: Not lying low enough it seems. They just got caught by Navy dude and company.
Balls: OHHHHHHH….HE CALLED HER A BIMBO!!!!!!
tWBS: Yeah, that wasn’t nice. But I’m all for the tying them up part.
Balls: May I interject and point out the fabulous wardrobe choice of white t-shirts that show underboob when the girls’ tied hands are raised above their heads? It’s the little things…
Beastie: So after tying the girls up, those dudes go right back to looking for the gold, and soon find it. Mudface Japanese guy quickly shows up and cuts the girls loose, then runs off again into the jungle. Then the rest of the bad guys show up and….
Balls: OH MY GOD THEY SHOT TERI WEIGEL IN THE TITS!!!!!
tWBS: Damn man. That’s just wrong.
Beastie: Yup. Everybody is double-crossing everybody. Navy dude and fake Army dude escape in the confusion and end up teaming up with Dona and Taryn. Then there’s a lot of shooting, and even an exploding boat. And all the bad guys end up dead.
Balls: Except Al Leong. Who ends up grabbing Taryn and putting a gun to her head.
tWBS: Whoooo boy, that was a mistake. He done pissed Mudface right the fuck off.
Balls: Yup, Mudface has now become very protective of Taryn for some reason, and he rushes in and saves her by running Al through with his katana sword, badass ninja style. But in so doing, he also got himself shot a few times.
Beastie: And now, in perhaps the longest and most poorly written foreign language translation deathbed confession scene ever filmed, we find out why he became so protective of Taryn. Years earlier, while protecting the gold and the island, Mudface had killed Taryn’s grandfather.
tWBS: Yep. When he was about to kill her earlier, he looked into her eyes and knew. Once he saw her eyes and realized, he couldn’t do it. And his samurai code caused him to become protective of her life, even at the cost of his own, in order to atone for the dishonorable killing of her grandfather years earlier.
Balls: If it was me, I wouldn’t have been able to do it because of her tits. Hell, I’d have never even seen her eyes.
Beastie (giggling): Inorite?????
tWBS: And of course, in the end of film wrap up scene which Sidaris can’t seem to help but do every time, we find out that some of the gold was missing when it got picked up by the CIA, and that once again Taryn stole it. Diamonds, gold bars….can’t wait to see what she steals in the next film.
Balls: That’s my girl!!!!!
tWBS: We’ve been through this. She’s MY girl.
Beastie (laughing): Neither one of you could handle her.
tWBS: He’s probably right. I need a drink anyway.
Balls: Would still be worth the fun to try though.
Beastie: In summation, I think this movie has a higher BPM (Boobs Per Minute) rating than most porn. So what are we giving this one then?
Beastie: Sounds good. We’ll see you next time…
AT THE MOV…..
tWBS (from the kitchen): Hey who drank all the fucking vodka??????