Your “Luckily, The Car Was Okay” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

(Not the actual car)

NFL News:

  • Josh Gordon has signed his exclusive rights tender with the Browns.
    • Good thing – 4/20 is this Friday.
    • Bad thing – Because of all the suspensions, he only has credit for four seasons.
      • He becomes a Restricted Free Agent in 2019, and a UFA in 2020.
  • Ziggy Ansah has signed his franchise tag, and will report to Lions OTAs on Tuesday.
    • It will earn him $17.14 million for 2018, unless he & the team work out a long-term deal.
  • Deebo is done! Again!!
    • James Harrison announced his retirement (again) today.
      • He previously retired in 2014, but was lured back when the Steelers ran into injury trouble.
    • He retires the Steelers all-time sacks leader with 80.5.
  • The Dez Bryant Saga:
    • Suitors:
    • Smartest guy in the room – Cole Beasley, when declining comment on the whole situation:
      • “I’ll say somethin’ I shouldn’t have and be next.”
  • Somebody teach Mr. Ayo some Polish – Sebastian Janikowski is now a Seahawk.
    • So we’re clear:
      • A kicker who bar fought in college & was arrested with GHB = fine
      • A QB that takes a knee during a song = banned
  • Danny Amendola, on why he signed with the Dolphins:
    • “When free agency broke, I came to the realization that he (Belichick) wasn’t going to really come close to any of the other offers I had.”
    • “It’s not easy (playing for Bill), that’s for sure. He’s an a–h— sometimes.”
  • Finally, starting Monday by again Stealing from Crimebeat!:
    • Newly acquired Daryl Worley has been released by the Eagles after being arrested & tazed this weekend for DUI, weapons and disorderly conduct charges.
      • Per ESPN,  he faces six charges in all: DUI (first offense), firearms not to be carried without a license, carrying firearms in public in Philadelphia, possession of an instrument of crime, resisting arrest, and disorderly conduct/engaging in fighting.
        • He was found passed out in his car, blocking an intersection outside the team’s practice facility.
        • The cops had to rouse him, then taze him when he resisted their efforts.
    • He was acquired from Carolina in exchange for Torrey Smith.

Riga & Lambeau

Rough times in the Beerguy house on the weekend. On Sunday, Winewife & I were taking the dogs out for a hike. Lambeau, the pup, decided to jump over my wife while she was getting him out of the car & ran into traffic. He ran into a car as it drove by at 50 km/h, putting a small dent in the sliding door of a Honda Odyssey.

My dog’s head dented a car.

The goofy little fucker walked around like Trent Green for a few minutes, and then merrily continued on his way. [We monitored him all night; nothing. Good thing I used the old NFL concussion protocols.] Winewife, however, decided that we needed to have an immediate, one-sided discussion about proper dog-unloading procedures. Needless to say, I employed one of the few “say nothing” cards I had at my disposal, and by bedtime all was resolved.

Except for Roger Goodell taking away one of my draft picks. Looks like I have to give up stout.

Riga, meanwhile, was frustrated that her attempts to finish off the interloper remain unsatisfied. She will begin anew next weekend.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Leafs at Bruins  – 7:00PM | NBCSN / CBC (Bruins up 2-0)
    • Lightning at Devils – 7:30PM | CNBC / Sportsnet (Bolts up 2-0)
    • Predators at Avalanche – 10:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet (Preds up 2-0)
    • Ducks at Sharks – 10:30PM | CNBC / Sportsnet1 (Sharks up 2-0)
  • NBA:
    • Heat at 76ers – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN
    • Spurs at Warriors – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Cardinals at Cubs – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
    • Royals at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1

  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • The annual “Superstar Shake-up”, where performers are rotated between the two shows, is tonight.
        • So plenty of cross-over debuts.
      • John Cena & Nikki Bella broke up via press release yesterday, so expect lots of cat-calls tonight if Big Match John shows up.
        • They were due to have married May 5th in Mexico, according to People.
        • I guess “Never Give Up” doesn’t apply to relationships.

It’s 10 days to the Draft, with schedule release expected this Thursday. Mr. Scott?

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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WCS

Harry Anderson of Night Court and the TV movie “It” died today.

litre_cola

Evening commentists, Hope you are all well. Snowed again today. Nice fucking spring. Glad your dog is ok Ouzomanrick!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Lot of pucks to the face tonight.

PUKKAKE!

Spur
Spur

D Wade is going to need all the Bengay after this game.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Don’t use it all up!”
-Every NFL GM on Michael Sam draft day

theeWeeBabySeamus

Baltimore Orioles update: They didn’t lose today. Thank you, rain.

This has been your Baltimore Orioles Update.

WCS

Progress!

Gratliff

Lawyerin’ Joe Amendola vs. Lawyerin’ Michael Cohen. Who ya got!?

Spur
Spur

which one will accept my Krugerrands?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I had to turn off the wrestling. I could feel myself getting dumber while watching their little play acting “we hate you and you hate us come get some” routine.

And for me that’s saying something because I’m already pretty fucking dumb.

Oooooh…hockey fight!!!!!!!!

Spur
Spur

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Brocky

I’ll let you know when alexa is on.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You know me too well, glove boy.

Spur
Spur

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King Hippo

the Ice P*ts are sooooo beating the travelling Bills (again). Even though I suck at betting hockey…

litre_cola

No sir. The rest of Canada can’t have nice things.

Spur
Spur

ok, ten minutes was all i could take of Fox News. Hannity asks his audience why doesn’t anyone on the Fake News stations and papers care about the missiles launched on Friday at Syria. The President should be praised for his leadership.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

One of the things I admired about Hannibal Lecter was that he only killed and ate rude people.

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Spur
Spur

haha – it took Hannity less than 5 minutes for him to bring up Clinton.

King Hippo

That has to be in his contract, by mutual demand.

Brocky

Dang O’really?

I’m not gonna lower myself by watching his show, but that sounds great

WCS

“What the mainstream media won’t tell you, is how George Soros and the Deep State, using the Clinton Foundation, coerced Michael Cohen to accept money on my behalf to keep the truth from getting out!”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

His lawyer should’ve told hi—

Oh, right. Well, he’s going to prison.

Brocky

Denny’s kid’s items are like the lowest tier of Kid’s collectables from from restuaratns:

1. Mcdonalds (the originator, naturally)
1a. Burger King (they had pokemon stuff when I was still into it)
3. Taco bell (occasionally seemed to have toys)
4. Tie KFC and Pizza Hut (both part of that Phantom menace tie in)
6. Tie Dominos and Little Cesar’s (had little stress toys of their mascots)
7. Dennys.

Did I forget anything?

Spur
Spur

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Dome of Equality was also the first interracial porn.

Brocky

I swear I had a little noid action figure that was one of those hard rubber bendy toys.

I’ve rewritten that sentence 3 times and I don’t know how to make it not sound like an innuendo.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehe.

I had one too, fwiw.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

8. Jerry Sandusky’s Country Restaurant

Spur
Spur

free visits to the Happy Valley Practice Facilities

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

10. Mister Veal Chop (free kid’s spoon with a Bucket-O-Lima-Beans purchase at regular price)

theeWeeBabySeamus

OH THANK GOD SAMMY AND KEVIN GOT CONTRACTS!!!!!!

Gratliff

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Spur
Spur

get your shit together Philly. The Heat are not this good.

Gratliff

It was like this in Game 1 too, and then the Heat got MDK’d in the second half.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

@beerguyrob – after you saw the damage did you say “my car gets fifty rods to the dogshead and that’s the way I like it!”?

Spur
Spur

Hannity is about to have his highest-rated show ever. Am tuning in.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

So college registration is tonight for me at 9:30 and it consists of everyone converging on the site at that time and watching good professors disappear in a matter of 5 minutes.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve had the same experience at strip clubs

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, you definitely want to get your lapdance with Professor Goodandsexy before pledge week hits.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I fucking used to hate dealing with that shit.

I loved having to struggle to get into higher level classes because some shit head has an insane number of credits over their 6 year attempt at self discovery, hence they got enough credits for 3 degrees if they would just stop changing majors.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Authors of Pain appear very intelligent.

Brocky

I’ve watched them in some capacity for over a year, and I still can’t tell them apart

theeWeeBabySeamus

Neither can they, I suspect.

Gratliff

It’s funny because one’s Indian, and grew up in BC, and the other’s Albanian, and they extremely look alike.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, shocking. They won.

How did I know that was gonna happen?

Brocky

because they’re c;early superior athletes.

I mean its not like it was pre determined or anything.

Gratliff

They’re fucking legit monsters, though. Akam was an Olympic-level greco-roman wrestler before getting his WWE contract. Rezar was a heavyweight kickboxing champion in the Netherlands, and competed for Bellator. He’s been in the company for 4 years. He’s twenty-fucking-three.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I bet they can’t do long division, though.

Gratliff

Well, Akam DID go to college. To do wrestling.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Was it refrigerator college?

Gratliff

Simon Fraser University in Canada, which I refuse to believe is a real school

Gratliff

Devils showed a “New York Sports Report” on the Jumbotron during intermission that was just footage of the Rangers golfing. #Savage

— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) April 17, 2018

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Too bad only half the arena got to enjoy that burn though.

Gratliff

They call that “A New Jersey Sellout.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Or a “Bon Jovi”

Brocky

Alright gratliff, we got mandy, alexa, and liv all on raw.

either one leaves for smackdown, because I still think they all kinda look alike.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll be right back…

Brocky

yeah? get a load of this

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Spur
Spur

2, 3, 1

Gratliff

Liv Morgan has maybe the least flattering attire in all of wrestling.

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Brocky

I’ve noticed it that too. she can’t seem to decide between traditionally sexy (revealing attire) and kinda cute sexy (yoka pants and t-shirts)

theeWeeBabySeamus

I see no problem with it.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Losing track of a forward in the defensive zone: the Silent Killorn.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Also Hippo, I’ll let a really good pro explain what goalies do at sharp angles, and how shooters are adjusting to score on them.

http://ingoalmag.com/analysis/devils-schneider-breaks-vh-reverse-vh/

Gratliff

If they play for Philly, they watch the puck go between them and the post and think “Wow. That’s weird. Didn’t think they’d score there.”

Brocky

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Lambeau, the pup, decided to jump over my wife while she was getting him out of the car & ran into traffic. He ran into a car as it drove by at 50 km/h, putting a small dent in the sliding door of a Honda Odyssey.

My dog’s head dented a car.

The goofy little fucker walked around like Trent Green for a few minutes, and then merrily continued on his way…

And all this time you guys thought Goddess II was fiction.

smgdh

Brocky

Glad to hear the pooch is all right.

It may sound dumb, but some people forget that skulls are there to protect the brain, they’re some of the hardest’s structures on earth.

Deer mess up cars all the time, and somehow run away.

My dad still tells the story of how one time he rolled into bed the exact same moment our rottie mix decided to leap in from the other side, and there was a headbutt.

to quote my dad: “I thought seeing stars was something that only happened in cartoons”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I too was once on the receiving end of Liverpool Kiss administered by a dog and my experience mirrored your dad’s.

King Hippo

Was TOR’s goalie this pants-shitty all season? Or does he have a case of teh Fleurys?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Toronto’s defense isn’t that great. More and more goalies are getting beat at that angle because of the net’s dimensions being smaller, they’re conditioned to cheat as a player is making a route like Chara did.

Repeat for why there’s more 5-hole goals: pads now have a maximum height so goalies don’t have a natural cheater covering that area anymore. It’s why when the NHL made pad width smaller, goalies didn’t care because they could have extra one or two inches on the pad height.

King Hippo

well, somebody understands teh ice footy much better than Hippo!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

That and Kadri being a fuckhead in Game 1 hurts, he’s really good defensively and Babcock uses him like a Swiss army knife.

King Hippo

oops, double

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Go Sharks!

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King Hippo

/obligatory ah’d ride her shark!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“Lemme give you an assist”

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

The all-vagina NHL team: Zach Hyman, Yanic Perreault, Euro player Luca Cunti, Grant Clitsome, and Sidney Crosby

Gratliff

Me: There’s no reason whatsoever to rely on these sexist jokes that devalue women by comparing them to men we don’t like.

Also me:

King Hippo

I think that made it up to Gratliff. 😀

herodotus450
herodotus450

Around the corner where fudge is made team: Brown, Brown, Brown, Brown, and Brad Marchand.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Bob Gassoff

King Hippo

Sad Leafs. I prescribe opiates. Or black tar.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

With all apologies to Gratliff

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

przybiłem to!

-Sebastian Janikowski after a 30 pack

Gratliff

Getting the booing in early on RAW

King Hippo

A good filter FOAR peoples is – are they weird enough to smile dreamily like a lunatic when Natural Born Killers comes into conversation. These are really the only kinds of people I can really, truly connect with – which describes the kind of emotional turmoil I got myself into when I allowed myself to have feelings.

herodotus450
herodotus450

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a hard Canadian dog right there!

King Hippo

In honour of the Leafs’ goal:

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Oh Leslie, he was a favorite at Buddy’s bar before a bad one night stand with Randy Shilts killed him.

He didn’t get HIV, he had a heart condition….

King Hippo

(apologies for the title, but tis the name of the sketch and written by Scott Thompson and he’s allowed to say it – it be his word, yo)

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

They have a sketch where that is the only word said during the entirety of it.

King Hippo

I have to say that KITH is probably the first and best vehicle for really teaching pre-teen then teen me that gay people are just people like everyone else. Comedy is fucking awesome.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I shouldn’t know KITH being young as I am, but Comedy Central played that and old SNL religiously from about 1999-2003.

King Hippo

Thank fuck it has lived cross-generationally. HBO bringing that to the States was an absolute Godsend.

Gratliff

Comedy seems to be the only real vehicle to explain this shit without coming off as a preachy hippy type. Introduced the boy to early Simpsons to get the ball rolling lately, and he’s taken it upon himself to start moving through the early years. I got a text from his mother stating that she doesn’t watch her 10.5 year old son watching the Simpsons in the year of our lord 2018, and she’s really enjoying* my “Oh shit, grandma’s gonna go get her church group on me” reaction to her concerns.

*She thinks I’m a man-child who values laughter over success and decency, and is further disgusted by me enthusiastically agreeing with the sentiment.

ballsofsteelandfury

Isn’t that the DFO motto?

King Hippo

is now!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

And yet GLAAD never gave Scotty or the rest of KITH any acknowledgement.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Sean Hannity is a weirdo.

King Hippo

Leafs!!!

Spur
Spur

“The client’s name is Sean Hannity,” replied Todd Harrison, Cohen’s attorney. The room erupted in laughter.

“Cohen has more attorneys than he has clients,” Assistant U.S. Attorney Thomas McKay quipped.

Savage

reported from https://www.thedailybeast.com/judge-hands-defeat-to-trump-and-cohen-over-fbi-raid-youve-miscited-the-law

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

In his college years Jesus could turn oregano into weed.

SonOfSpam

Damn, RIP Harry Anderson. Night Court was funny and Markie Post was hot.

Spur
Spur

Sean Hannity was named as Cohen’s 3rd client by Cohen’s lawyers today in a hail mary for a Attorney–client privilege to any of the seized material. Sean Hannity claims he was never a client of Cohen.

This leads me to conclude, Hannity doesn’t have a prenup and his wife is going to be rich as fuck. Also isn’t there a conflict of interest for Hannity to denounce the Cohen raid on Faux News without disclosing he’s a client? Am sure the Faux News standards and ethics department will get right on that.

rockingdog
rockingdog

the other 2 were trump and the former RNC finance chair that got busted for having an affair with a playboy model (who subsequently had an abortion).

SonOfSpam

You forgot to mention the abortion with the 2nd guy, but yeah.

rockingdog
rockingdog

fixed it.

SonOfSpam

Ah, I see you aborted your error.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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King Hippo

how low on the right-wing scum scale when Hannity won’t even vouch for ya

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I found a quote earlier today that pretty much sums up my existence:

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SonOfSpam

He ain’t wrong.

King Hippo

so…the Beer Guy family to be featured in a Farmers Insurance ad this Footbaw season?

Spur
Spur

Can that dog pass a drug test? Asking for a friend in Dallas.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I will never fucking understand people putting their private lives up in the media.

Dear god I could not handle random people giving a shit about my personal life.

Gratliff

Once upon a time, Miz worked a crazy good series of “worked shoots” and Total Bella parodies where in he explained John Cena’s love life as a publicity stunt. The angle ended when Cena “lol Cena Wins”‘d at last year’s WrestleMania before proposing, but it was all still so good.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Glad your dog’s OK!

That “50 km/h” really threw me. Why didn’t you just say 31.07 mph?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well, it’s all but assured that Lambeau is leading with the crown of his helmet and blowing up a car in the next Goddess episode.

Wakezilla

Stampeders returnman, Roy Finch got arrested in OKC. A CFL team should sign the cops who arrested him because they tackled the shit out of Finch.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Da7jrHlX0AApiBw?format=jpg