Liverpool! Real Madrid! Champions League Final Open Thread

Yes yes yes. The European club championship starts at 1:30 Central. The winner of this yooge deal tournament gets a proportionally extravagant trinquet, which the Spanish call La Orejona (the big-eared one):

The Brits call it the Big Cup, and I imagine toffs creaming all over themselves for the generic understatement.

OF COURSE it’s a big deal. Europe hosts the richest leagues that can afford to poach / sign the best talent available anywhere. Plus, Liverpool and [grabs crotch] Real Madriz have been among the top handful of clubs in the world.

Real Madrid is aiming for a Champions 3-peat, which has never happened. Their fans, who are mostly of the douche persuasion, will become insufferable. That’s their natural state anyway, so they could stand to be taken down a peg. If not, at least they’ll drown a bit the Jordan vs. Lebron irritants.

The fucking Red Sox own Liverpool and their fans include shitheads who do this:

via thesun.co.uk

Maybe I’m talking out of place, but I think hooliganism MIGHT be a bad look for LIV fans. Especially when the Heysel disaster happened to occur in a European Cup final—you now, like the game that’s on today. Throwing crap at buses is provincial league crap, but’s it’s great to see how little some Reds fans are.

For the 87th season in a row, Real Madrid is crazy STCKT. Truth is, when they’re on, they’re an amazing watch. Keylor Navas, the Costa Rica captain, is among the top goalkeepers in the world. Their defenders are physical (Marcelo) and total assholes (Sergio fucking Ramos); Toni Kroos connects each one of the 80-100 passes he makes in a game; Luka Modric is brilliant and will lead a sneaky-stacked Croatia; and then ahead there’s Ronaldo, with a Benzema or Bale too. Real reached the final through the toughest possible road, having to play twice:

Borussia Dortmund (4th in Germany)

Tottenham Hotspur (3rd in the EPL)

PSG (French Champion)

Juventus (Italian Champion)

Bayern Munich (German champion)

Real lost only twice, 3-1 each to Tottenham and Juventus. Goddamn it; it’s hard to see them lose.

 

Liverpool did not have it anywhere as tough, but they won convincingly:

via socerstats.com

Thus far they have scored 46 goals, most in the history of the competition. They made it through the Coutinho transfer and injuries to key players, like Emre Can, because of Salah, Mané, and Firmino. These three have manufactured goals quickly, often with Firmino stealing a ball in midfield and passing a dart to Salah or Mané. Those three might be the finest front line in the game right now.

via @ESPNFC

But Real Madrid ain’t Porto—but Madriz ain’t Man City either, which LIV blasted 5-1 in aggregate. [Sigh] I’ve thought this through: I wouldn’t mind AT ALL Reds fans throwing crap at the Real bus in Kiev.

Predicción: Liverpool 2 – 1 Real Madrid, five yellow cards, one red card. There will be chippiness. God I hope there’s blood.

 

King Hippo: The back of the Lesser action will be safely skipped by me, what with #BFIB dirting off at 4-ish. Let us hope being on the Cards’ dugout side today is better luck, eh?

But there is no luck coming for Real, the Cool Pope (assuming he wants to live), or fair-minded Redshite haters everywhere. The bastard men will get a goal super early, and a 2nd right before or right after halftime.  Spain’s Lesser Bastard Men will pull one back, but the brief candle of hope will be out, out right quick for a 3-1 disgusting Liverpool triumph.
Balls of Steel and Fury: Real will win
(photo of hot female Real fan)
because the World Cup will be awesome
(photo of hot female WC fan)
and there has to be balance in the universe
(photo of two hot girls making out)
.
BONUS COVERAGE: Aston Villa vs. Fulham FC
The winner gets promoted to the EPL. John Terry is on Aston Villa. Fuck him and the team.
King Hippo: Villa is gonna park the bus and try to nick one at the death, or even more likely/boringly get to the penno lottery. Because that’s just how those Tory bellends roll. I suspect it will stay nil-nil until around the 60′ mark, when White Power will become just too hot to handle.  A late clincher when Villa have no choice but to come out and play, call it 2-nil to the good.

The only good thing to come out of the Midlands
Litre Cola: COME ON FULHAM
Balls of Steel and Fury:
(photo of hot female Fulham fan)
?UPDATE?
WOOOOOOOOOO. Pour one for CoUla y’all!
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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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SonOfSpam

Sareth Whale

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...

She’s like an evil bizarro world Pam Poovey

SonOfSpam

That’s a very good call.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wait, there’s a player named Nacho?” – Rex Ryan

SonOfSpam

“This game has everything; topknots, bicycle kicks, lead changes, sheeping…”

Wait, what’s “sheeping”?

“That’s that thing, where you get a bunch of midgets wearing wool onesies all coked up and let them graze all over the pitch.”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Welcome to the Champions League final, sponsored by Bananacakes brand bananacakes.

scotchnaut

He’s not this good, is he?

ballsofsteelandfury

Bun Boy is good.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like Gareth FAIL amirite?

/looks him up; learns that he’s actually a very good player.

SonOfSpam

Um, nope. Goddammit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently he heard me.

SonOfSpam

Oh good. Asshole-with-a-topknot is on.

SonOfSpam

I believe Balls promised a pic of two hot chicks making out?

ballsofsteelandfury

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I see the fireplace, but the lack of sweat makes me question whether the room is warm enough for those women actually to be considered “hot”. They look quite comfortable, to be honest.

SonOfSpam

Thank you, Balls.

Also,

“Thank you”

– balls

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you were only going to watch fifteen minutes of soccer this year…

SonOfSpam

Ten more than usual!

scotchnaut

“Wow! Winner of this game gets to stick all the dicks into me.”

-Bananacake

Spanky Datass

Holy shit!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. Am I glad I turned this game on for the second half.

SonOfSpam

Just turned it on about 5 minutes ago. Timing is everything (except beer).

litre_cola

Whoa

scotchnaut

ALLERGIES FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

scotchnaut

The shin is the most delicate of all the bones.

scotchnaut
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I liked that Selsun Blue ad very much.

It feels nice to set the cynicism aside every once in a while.

scotchnaut

I wonder what was the longest amount of time Ronaldo just stared at a mirror.

On a single day or over the course of a weekend?

scotchnaut

“It was a weekend in Ibiza. The whole weekend. Miss Portugal was in the other room waiting for me but she knew beforehand what she was getting into.”

SonOfSpam

“Damn, he’s so good at that.”

– Alex Rodriguez

scotchnaut

Benzema clears the ball and my sinuses!

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scotchnaut

I have no problem believing that that bust crossed the country wearing an adult diaper so that it could spit on the face of its ex-girlfriend.

scotchnaut

Ronaldo: Babe and defender magnet.

ballsofsteelandfury

Guys! Correct me if i’m wrong, but I think Ronaldo has been to Flavourtown!

scotchnaut

“LALLANA!!!”

-Marlon Brando, muffing his line in “A Streetcar Called Desire”

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

“Me? I’d have put the glasses on the drill sergeant’s visage.”

-Featured commenter, “Second-Guessing Kubrick” blog

Fronkenshteen

Well that sucks. I hope he gets to another Final.

ballsofsteelandfury

He may miss the World Cup. Just like that Old Gypsy Balls said in his Egypt preview!

theeWeeBabySeamus

“Old Gypsy Balls”

I’ve asked you repeatedly not to call me that anymore.

/looks down

Fuck you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

That looked like a dislocated shoulder.

Egypt may be truly fucked

ballsofsteelandfury

Never mind

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck Egypt….
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-Marcus Antonius

Senor Weaselo

I give that a +15…*CRASH* +10.

ballsofsteelandfury

Never mind again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Fronkenshteen

Is this the first of two legs, or is this match for all the murbles?

ballsofsteelandfury

One match to rule them all.

scotchnaut

“My sources are telling me that it’s a one leg sorta thingy.”

-Heather Mills

theeWeeBabySeamus

Niiiice.

scotchnaut

Almost at the end of my beer…only scotch, vodka and coolers left. S.O.S.

ballsofsteelandfury

Cristiano Ronaldo with his back to the 90s hairdo is kinda nice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehehe

ballsofsteelandfury

This is hilariously awesome.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

I don’t give a single feces about spoilers. This is the half-time show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6jBjvOUaV4

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

I’m guessing that Balls is +1’ing me but there’s no way I’ll ever know for sure.

ballsofsteelandfury

I know. It suuuuucks. But yes, I think it’s me.

scotchnaut

Who has two thumbs and just recc’ed your comment?*

*me

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Wow!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Balls +1’d me once.
My sphincter still hasn’t fully recovered.

scotchnaut

When he rubbed his ballsack on my lower back? I thought I was in heaven!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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ballsofsteelandfury

I call it The Golden Touch.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You guys watching Soccer?
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scotchnaut

You being a dickbag?

#baseballsucks

theeWeeBabySeamus

When am I not?

#yesitdoes

ballsofsteelandfury

TWBS as Flounder cracks me up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You gotta admit….it fits.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s why it cracks me up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Screw off, I’m a “legacy”. 😛
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scotchnaut

Ronaldo:

Biggest Strength: Extraordinary quickness

Biggest Weakness: Can’t get it up with an 8/10

ballsofsteelandfury

To be fair, when you’re banging 10s 24-7-365, an 8 just doesn’t do the job.

scotchnaut

Has Zidane ever been compared to Professor X, Lex Luthor or Jean Picard?

ballsofsteelandfury

I’d go Picard first, but yes.

scotchnaut

The refs for this tilt are all Slavs to the game.

scotchnaut

I think the White Stripes need to divorce… themselves from that Seven Nation Army tune.

ballsofsteelandfury

I do wonder if they get royalties every time that’s played…

scotchnaut

They should get penalties.

Fronkenshteen

Well, I’m going to squeeze in a quick shower, so enjoy the 3 goals that are sure to be scored in the first six minutes.

scotchnaut

As a new-ish watcher of club champeenships, I’m gonna watch the fuck out of this. Even the pre-game festivities!

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s refreshing to see a performer actually singing.

ballsofsteelandfury

“It wasn’t me”

– Sean Paul

ballsofsteelandfury

Plus, silver camel toe.

ballsofsteelandfury

Nice pregame show! Actual good music!

ballsofsteelandfury

Ok, did y’all see that Fox Sports ad talking about Mexico’s team being cursed because they can’t get past the first elimination game?

Oh, you best believe I’m bringing that up in my preview…

Senor Weaselo

What do you think Generalissimo Bonespur’s reaction is to Fox Sports hyping up El Tri?

litre_cola

I am soooo fucking happy.

ballsofsteelandfury

BALLS’ Aston Villa v Fulham thoughts: Aston Villa sounds like Aston Martin, which is an overrated British carmaker. On the other hand, Robert Smith from The Cure is reportedly a Villa fan as he grew up in Birmingham. Fun fact: I’ve stayed at an oceanside villa and it awesome.

Bottom line: Litre wants Fulham to win, so I’ll support him. Robert Smith to write the followup to Disintegration.

litre_cola

I can get behind all this