A random phone rings in a famous building…
White House Operator: Uh, hello?
Mysterious Sexy-Voiced Protagonist: Yes, hello…I’m calling from Door Flies Open and looking to get some information on a foreign country. With whom am I speaking?
White House Operator: This is Ivanka.
MSVP (who is now obviously DFO): Wow, didn’t expect that. Why are you answering the main White House number?
White House Operator, revealed to be Ivanka: My father fired the support staff by tweet an hour ago.
DFO: So THAT’S what he meant about his staff doing a lousy job. I just assumed it was about his p-
Ivanka: (knowing chuckle) I assure you, everything’s just fine in that area.
DFO: You winked when you said that.
Ivanka: (checks nearby microwave)
Ivanka: So help me, if Obama put a camera in here…
DFO: No, I just assumed you’re, uh, clever like that.
Ivanka: (brightens noticeably) I see. Yes, I am! Anyway, you said something about wanting to buy an attractive Eastern European underage girl?
DFO: What? No, that’s not what I meant. See, we here at DFO are previewing the World Cup, and I have to write about Nigeria, and I need help. So I figured I should call one of the foreign policy experts here or maybe get connected with an ambassador.
Ivanka: Hmm…I don’t know a lot of those words, so let me transfer you to our biggest, most smartest resource here.
DFO: Great, thanks…oh, crap, you’re gonna connect me to your f-
(hold music is Wagner)
(phone connection flies open)
POTUS: Vanky, what did daddy tell you about interrupting Fox & Friends? I’m gonna give you such a spanking for that, you naughty little
DFO: SIR – um, excuse me, I was just transferred to you by your daughter, so
POTUS: You aren’t Ivanka.
DFO: Um, yes sir, you see sir, I’m with a website called Door Flies Open, and I was looking for information about another country, and I really didn’t think I’d get transferred to you, and I can hang up and let you get back to…whatever you do when you’re here.
POTUS: Are you the media?
DFO: Not exactly, no. I’m more of a feature writer and needed an expert on
POTUS: I am an expert on that.
DFO: But I didn’t tell you what I needed yet.
POTUS: Doesn’t matter. There has never been a more smarter, bigger, better President than me, so what do you wanna know?
DFO: Ok, well, we’re previewing each country’s World Cup team, and I need some help with some information about Nigeria.
POTUS: I think you mean Nigeria.
DFO: No, it’s a long “i” and a soft “g”
POTUS: Either way, it’s a shithole. All those players must live in huts.
DFO: Actually, it’s a pretty modern country with the largest population in Africa, so
POTUS: Wrong. It’s a shithole. Those people wanna cross our borders but they can’t if we have a beautiful wall. Have you seen the wall yet? It’s finished.
DFO: Okay, I don’t know which part of that to dispute first…
POTUS: Their country is poor and full of rape and murder. They probably have witch doctors. WITCH HUNT.
DFO: Listen, you’re obviously very busy and really stupid, so I’m gonna go. On a personal note, thanks for your time and I hope you die in prison, you traitorous piece of shit.
The Nigerian soccer team is known as the Super Eagles. Their best players are Victor Moses and Kelechi Iheanacho, Their coach is German. Let’s see…um, their new jerseys are pretty cool:
Nigeria is in World Cup Group D, or “The Group of Dick.” Their schedule:
June 16 Croatia vs. Nigeria 3 p.m. ET Kaliningrad
June 22 Nigeria vs. Iceland 11 a.m. ET Volgograd
June 26 Nigeria vs. Argentina 2 p.m. ET Saint Petersburg
Assuming they can beat Croatia, the game against Iceland looms as key to Nigeria advancing out of the group. Let’s say the Super Eagles finish second in the Group of Dick, advance to the Round of 16 to play France, and lose a tough 2-1 game to the Frogs. They’ve never advanced past the Round of 16 before, so getting that done this year will result in much ogogoro (palm wine) being drunk in Abuja (city) and Lagos (‘nother city).
In conclusion, Nigeria is a land of contrasts. Thank you.
Editor’s Note: We have a World Cup Pool!! Please click the link below to sign up:
The pool password is “Balls”
As always, there will be a fabulous prize given to the winner. Join today!!