2018 World Cup Team Preview – Nigeria

A random phone rings in a famous building…

 

White House Operator: Uh, hello?

Mysterious Sexy-Voiced Protagonist: Yes, hello…I’m calling from Door Flies Open and looking to get some information on a foreign country. With whom am I speaking?

White House Operator: This is Ivanka.

MSVP (who is now obviously DFO): Wow, didn’t expect that. Why are you answering the main White House number?

White House Operator, revealed to be Ivanka: My father fired the support staff by tweet an hour ago.

DFO: So THAT’S what he meant about his staff doing a lousy job. I just assumed it was about his p-

Ivanka: (knowing chuckle) I assure you, everything’s just fine in that area.

DFO: You winked when you said that.

Ivanka:

Ivanka: (checks nearby microwave)

Ivanka: So help me, if Obama put a camera in here…

DFO: No, I just assumed you’re, uh, clever like that.

Ivanka: (brightens noticeably) I see. Yes, I am! Anyway, you said something about wanting to buy an attractive Eastern European underage girl?

DFO: What? No, that’s not what I meant. See, we here at DFO are previewing the World Cup, and I have to write about Nigeria, and I need help. So I figured I should call one of the foreign policy experts here or maybe get connected with an ambassador.

Ivanka: Hmm…I don’t know a lot of those words, so let me transfer you to our biggest, most smartest resource here.

DFO: Great, thanks…oh, crap, you’re gonna connect me to your f-

(loud click)

(hold music is Wagner)

(phone connection flies open)

POTUS: Vanky, what did daddy tell you about interrupting Fox & Friends? I’m gonna give you such a spanking for that, you naughty little

DFO: SIR – um, excuse me, I was just transferred to you by your daughter, so

POTUS: You aren’t Ivanka.

DFO: Um, yes sir, you see sir, I’m with a website called Door Flies Open, and I was looking for information about another country, and I really didn’t think I’d get transferred to you, and I can hang up and let you get back to…whatever you do when you’re here.

POTUS: Are you the media?

DFO: Not exactly, no. I’m more of a feature writer and needed an expert on

POTUS: I am an expert on that.

DFO: But I didn’t tell you what I needed yet.

POTUS: Doesn’t matter. There has never been a more smarter, bigger, better President than me, so what do you wanna know?

DFO: Ok, well, we’re previewing each country’s World Cup team, and I need some help with some information about Nigeria.

POTUS: I think you mean Nigeria.

DFO: No, it’s a long “i” and a soft “g”

POTUS: Either way, it’s a shithole. All those players must live in huts.

DFO: Actually, it’s a pretty modern country with the largest population in Africa, so

POTUS: Wrong. It’s a shithole. Those people wanna cross our borders but they can’t if we have a beautiful wall. Have you seen the wall yet? It’s finished.

DFO: Okay, I don’t know which part of that to dispute first…

POTUS: Their country is poor and full of rape and murder. They probably have witch doctors. WITCH HUNT.

DFO: Listen, you’re obviously very busy and really stupid, so I’m gonna go. On a personal note, thanks for your time and I hope you die in prison, you traitorous piece of shit.

 

The Nigerian soccer team is known as the Super Eagles. Their best players are Victor Moses and Kelechi Iheanacho, Their coach is German. Let’s see…um, their new jerseys are pretty cool:

Nigeria is in World Cup Group D, or “The Group of Dick.” Their schedule:

June 16  Croatia vs. Nigeria  3 p.m. ET  Kaliningrad

June 22  Nigeria vs. Iceland  11 a.m. ET  Volgograd

June 26  Nigeria vs. Argentina  2 p.m. ET  Saint Petersburg

Assuming they can beat Croatia, the game against Iceland looms as key to Nigeria advancing out of the group. Let’s say the Super Eagles finish second in the Group of Dick, advance to the Round of 16 to play France, and lose a tough 2-1 game to the Frogs. They’ve never advanced past the Round of 16 before, so getting that done this year will result in much ogogoro (palm wine) being drunk in Abuja (city) and Lagos (‘nother city).

In conclusion, Nigeria is a land of contrasts. Thank you.

Editor’s Note: We have a World Cup Pool!! Please click the link below to sign up:

https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=149105

The pool password is “Balls”

As always,  there will be a fabulous prize given to the winner.  Join today!!

SonOfSpam

SonOfSpam

SonOfSpam has often derided other cultures, mainly yogurt. His work has often been described as “not there” and “imaginary.” He currently lives with several other people, at least until they find out.
SonOfSpam

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SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam has often derided other cultures, mainly yogurt. His work has often been described as "not there" and "imaginary." He currently lives with several other people, at least until they find out.
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WakezillaSonOfSpamMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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ballsofsteelandfury

69th!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I own that. Overrated. But clever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I just want it for the cover…. or just the cover.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

SleepyBaby Time. Don’t post anything funny while I dream of the incredibly hot girl that wanted to be my girlfriend but I was way too stupid to figure it out until way after.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Lagos!?
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Wakezilla

Great write up. Currently, I am in correspondence with a Nigerian prince who assures me that Nigeria will win the World Cup. All I have to do is give him all my money and he will pay me back with interest.

Am I the only one that thinks ‘Wakanda forever’ when looking at those jerseys?

litre_cola

Excellemt work. I dont think they are getting out of that group. Cold russian winters will get em.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

$20 says Ivanka’s kid is Donald’s.

scotchnaut

[raises $20]

Melania is not a Russian mole. She is in reality a shrew.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Irregardless of the convex, she’s talking about something else, ain’t she?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

IRREGARDLESS!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

TRIGGARDLESS!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

No, it’s a long “i” and a soft “g”

And that’s where I lost it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They have medicine for a soft G now.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I wish I had the power to power nap

scotchnaut

“There’s one easy trick to taking a power nap. Just click the chloroform.us link!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– celebrity spokesman Darren Sharper

scotchnaut

/watching the Friendly

FRA is really kicking ass In Real Life

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

/Saturday at the barber

Me: [hungover, tired] “Just cut my hair really short. It’s been hot lately.” [shuts eyes]

Barber: [gets to work]

Me: [opens eyes, looks like a 1950’s Marine Drill Instructor] “Uh. Nice. Really nice.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Nice ass.

scotchnaut

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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HAWY TAEK on the radio (national ESPN show); Labron James; he sucks and all turmoil on his teams is his fault.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I mean, it’s clearly his fault Delonte West fucked his mother.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was damn funny, partly because I imagined James betting a drunk West into doing it…. or maybe his mother.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

New Favourite French Player?

Umtitti

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s mesmerizing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry, no stories about Nigeria and my, as Ernest Hemingway* would put it, “love affairs with the shiny black princesses.” Nigerians were stereotyped as criminals in South Africa; I don’t think I ever met one while I was there. There were a pair of them sitting next to us at a tiny bar in Japan who greatly annoyed my wife by smoking next to her, but that’s all that comes to mind.

*I’m a little sad that Hemingway isn’t alive today – he’d be on CNN every morning demanding a wrestling or boxing match with our President, whose masculinity he’d deride at every possible opportunity.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think Hunter Thompson would do that too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, wait…. HUNTER Thompson.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Ireland’s “Kick ‘Em In The Balls” strategy is not paying any dividends so far.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Balls: “And put a dessicated German Shepherd penis in that Bloody Caesar.”

Waiter: “But, but… Sir.”

Balls: “JUST DO IT!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THERE IS A LOT OF FAT IN THAT TASTY PENIS.”

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s the only way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

penis in that Bloody Caesar

Brutus got a last bit of butt revenge in Julius.

scotchnaut

Sooo…. is Platini or Zidane or Fries the best Frenchie?

ballsofsteelandfury

The correct answer is Kissing.

scotchnaut

[sticks tongue in Balls’ ear]

Wakezilla

Menage a trois

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“Deere John,

I discovered something about myself today and I think it’s important that you should know…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

“Counterpoint”

-The Kinks

scotchnaut

“Playing an away game in France is called ‘A Frog’s Leg’. Ppl forget that.”

-yeah right

ballsofsteelandfury

You watching the friendly?

Btw, I just have to mention that initially my phone autocorrected friendly to frickcunt. I have no idea.

scotchnaut

I am now-thanks for the head’s up!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Your phone thinks it’s your birthday.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This transcript is truer than anything ever aired on Fox News.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

I love your conclusion. It’s like every book report I turned in during high school.

yeah right

Also, will someone wave a checkered flag when the drinking lamp is lit?

yeah right

I stand and salute these bold DFO folks on this the most holy of holidays!

Great goddamn job!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Mmmmm, nachos