2018 World Cup Team Preview – Colombia

Quite a few of us resident DFO Lesser Footy enthusiasts have Colombia as our sleeper of the tourney. Therefore, we’ve decided to split up the preview amongst us, roundtable style.

Without further ado,

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Balls

Colombia invented the butt-lift jeans.  Seriously.

Some places call them “levantapompis” or “magicola”. Just know that if you see any pants or jeans labeled as “Colombian”, they will have some kind of butt lifting technology.

I bet you didn’t know that,  did you? Did you also know that Colombia qualified for their first World Cup since the 90s? Those magical 90s teams with Rincón, Asprilla, and El Pibe Valderrama

captured the imagination of fútbol fans that were sick of only Brazil and Argentina having success.

The death of Andrés Escobar after the 1994 World Cup was tragic and signalled the beginning of the end for that “Golden Generation”. I was actually at that game and saw the own-goal as it went into the goal where I was sitting. I, asshole that I am,  joked to my friends that he shouldn’t go back to Colombia.

Turns out I was right.

This year’s team has a fresh batch of stars just waiting to make their mark. Radamel Falcao and James Rodriguez (pronounced for some unknown reason as HA-mes instead of James as in Bond) are the biggest names,  but the rest of the team is solid.

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Litre_Cola. 

Balls these magicola you speak are my distant cousins from Cartagena!

Look at me. 

LOOK AT ME!

Breathe deeply. 

What is going through your mind right now?

Is it the fact that when you look in these eyes you don’t know what is going to happen?

Are you excited?

Afraid?

Does my moustache make you nervous?

It should. 

Nerves are for the weak. 

Columbia is not weak. 

Mistakes are rewarded with bullets. 

Ahahahahaha, got you. We have been up for 3 days. The hookers left hours ago.

 

I have Columbia as my dark horse for the tourney. I watched their friendly against France and they looked incredibly impressive.  They are loaded with talent, speed, quite a few of their regulars play their football at top clubs overseas. Falcao and James are a formidable duo up top who could be spelled by José Izquierdo who is quite versatile for Brighton. I have always thought James Rodriguez was an absolute weapon and it gave me great pleasure when Real loaned him out to Bayern.

Aguillar and Uribe are solid in the middle but the weakness will be the back four. I looked in a few different locations to see what their back four will consist of but no can seem to agree.

With Japan, Poland, and Senegal in their group I expect them to get through. They could start an impressive run with the group they have and take that confidence on to the knockout stages.

I have no stories about Columbia. I would really like to visit someday. Maybe attend a beauty contest of some nature.

Hippo: Hey, fuck that guy.  He already got my cracker ass to to say HIM-ez, I ain’t changing again.

But this team…it is fit to replace Chile in the Lesser Footy hipster’s heart.  They have the speed, swagger, and indescribably hot women to capture one’s mind, body, and soul.  You want a side that doesn’t play like all the others, all staid and safe.  Colombia deffo fits the bill.  They’re like a video game come to life.

Odds!  +125 (win Group H); -310 (qualify from Group H); +190 (reach quarters); +500 (achieve raging semi); +1300 (reach grand finale); +4500 (WHEEEE!!!)

Wakezilla:

Here’s my close, but no cigar Colombian hookup story (we’re still doing this, right?) For a little over twelve years, my wife and I have had a Colombian friend who just turned 29 and is a bikini model. To give you an idea of what she looks like, think a significantly more attractive version of Nina Mercedez (including a better body) . Despite seeing her naked twice (wife was with me both times) and topless a handful of times, including to feel her incredible boob job that she got in Colombia (wife was right there) twice, and the fact she has on a couple of occasions told me that if I didn’t go down on my wife, or didn’t do a good job of going down on her, she’d do it for me and I could take notes—again, my wife was present as she said this— nothing has ever happened.

She has been in and out of our lives over the past dozen years due to her choice in men. She usually falls for guys with criminal ties. Since these guys are bad dudes, we steer clear from her because they’re the type of guys who are –and in the case of one of them– killed. At one point, when she moved to Colombia and became a mob wife for a year. She lived in mob guy’s mansion—which included his kids, his wife, and two other mob wives—but, she became bored and moved back to Canada.

Bikini model is back in our lives now. In addition to beauty, she’s really smart. Currently, she’s in med school because what else is a bikini model turned ex-mob wife supposed to do? An attractive but flawed pick? Sounds like Colombia’s lesser footy team.

Admittedly, I’m not as high on Colombia as my fellow comrades. Colombia had a rather lackluster qualifying that saw them score 21 goals in 18 games. The thing that bothers me about Colombia is the fact that this team is so offensively gifted, yet Peckerman places an emphasis on defense. It reminds me of the late 90s-early 00s Italian squads, who had all the firepower in the world, but never really showed it off. I know it’s a difference of coaching philosophy, but a team with so much fire power should use it.

One thing going for Colombia is their schedule. They start off against an incredibly dysfunctional and defensive deficient Japanese team, which should give them a convincing win and confidence going in against the team I think should win the group, Poland. With the confidence they should have after crushing Japan, maybe Colombia runs with the momentum and gets a tie or wins. After that match, they should be setup rather nicely against a fairly inexperienced but very talented Senegal side.  In other words, Colombia’s schedule is set in a way that they can build on each match and ultimately make it through to the playoffs.

Don T: I don’t remember which one of us knuckleheads said “Colombia”, but most of us went

Each in his own way, of course. For those who ain’t in the know: Colombia’s great! Especially now, when the, uh, unpleasantness has placated.

Colombia spent more than 50 years in civil war, mostly between right-wing governments and the Armed Revolutionary Colombian Force (“FARC”, by Spanish acronym). In 2016, a non-far right government and FARC called for a cease fire and met for peace talks in Havana, Cuba—commie bleeding ❤s amirite? They signed a peace treaty, which required ratification in a YES / NO referendum. The NO won, with 50.2% of the vote. The difference was less than 54,000 votes out of 13 million ballots, with about two million NO voters being wags who thought ONLY Jesus could bring peace. (Why care for forgiveness and all that love-thy-neighbor dogmatic stuff when vindictiveness and spite was RIGHT THERE on the ballot–pfft; PFFT! I say.) Anyway, the parties negotiated again and signed a second treaty in 2017, with FARC reorganizing as a political entity now called People’s Alternative Revolutionary Force (“FARC”, by Spanish acronym). FARC’s change and, uh, rebranding is still mistrusted, despite a cease fire ongoing now for several years. A great outing for Colombia in this World Cup—now THAT would bring the whole country together.

Every Colombian I’ve met is personable and a party machine. Colombians also speak Spanish beautifully, and commonly use the formal usted (instead of the informal ), even when addressing peers and loved ones. And OMG the music!

That thumping blues number is about the singer’s love for her body, going through the list–legs (cellulite), belly (after two children), tits (“flat as a baking pan”), and ass—which begs clunky translation:

I love my CULO, I LOVE MY CULO.

Even if it’s soft, even if it never stopped traffic.

It works for sitting down, and to shit.

Even if it never won a prize,

I love my CULO, I LOVE MY CULO.

Them’s Aterciopelados, a play on “velvet” (terciopelo) and “being broke” (pelado). The song is from their first album of new material in ten years, released a couple of weeks ago–Claroscura (play here). I’ve spent the last five days 🔁🔁 the shit outta it and pestering EVERYONE about what a damn masterpiece it is. Aterciopelados started out as punk in the early 90s. Here:

[wistful smh] Too good. They’ve veered since into a more traditional Colombian and Latin American sound (and some electronica). However, as the ode above to a soft ass and a flat chest that still fed two babies can attest, they’ve always been punk AF.

As to fútbol, aside from what the fellas said, nobody celebrates like Los Cafeteros:

And they can hang with any team.

David Ospina is a fine goalkeeper. In the South American qualifiers, Colombia allowed 19 goals in 18 games. That’s with two games apiece with ARG, BRA and URU; plus a game at altitude at Bolivia and at Ecuador.

Yeah, I don’t think Germany, France, etc. put much of a scare in Colombia.

Colombia’s coach is José Pékerman. You can add circumcision to the dick joke arsenal: “Pékerman is the only Jewish member of a team participating in the FIFA World Cup for the second year in a row, albeit from the bench.” If your people get only one representative, you hit the lottery  with Pékerman.

At practice; via eluniversal.com.co, Martín Bernetti

José Néstor Pékerman Krimen is one of four Argentinian coaches in this World Cup–the coaches for Argentina, Colombia, Egypt, and Perú. Pékerman’s at the top of that class.

He won three Sub-20 World Cups with Argentina, then coached the 2006 Argentina senior team to the quarterfinals. He took the Colombia job in 2012, and moved to Bogotá as a full time coach and qualified Colombia for the 2014 and 2018 World Cups. Pékerman is the longest tenured coach in Colombia’s history. Great guy, too: early in the South American qualifiers, Colombia beat Perú, who was on a bad streak. Pékerman told the Perú players to trust their coach (Ricardo Gareca), because he was going to take them to the World Cup. That was after the game, of course. During a game, Pékerman can get intense:

3/23/18 – Pékerman rallies Colombia to a 2-3 win against France in a friendly, via HBO through metro.us 

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Schedule

19 JUN 2018 – 15:00 Local time, 05:00 Pacific,  Mordovia Arena, Saransk

COLOMBIA v JAPAN

24 JUN 2018 – 21:00 Local time, 11:00 Pacific, Kazan Arena, Kazan

POLAND v COLOMBIA

28 JUN 2018 – 18:00 Local time, 07:00 Pacific, Samara Arena, Samara

SENEGAL v COLOMBIA

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Prognosis

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Predicción

Balls: I’m thinking that Colombia breezes through the group with 3 wins. After that,  they would likely meet England,  who they should beat.  After that,  it’s Germany in the Quarterfinals. If they win that game,  they can win the whole thing.

Hippo: I have put my money where my big-assed mouth is.  I have them winning the whole thing in the DFO pool, after sweeping Group play.  I don’t see England making the knockout stage, but the Coca Bros. running circles around them would make for great comedy indeed.  Do hope we get that clash with Germany, would be one for the ages.

Litre: I really hope Columbia gets to play England and whoops them. There is a Colombian bar 4 blocks from my place and would love to hang out in there for the whole tourney. I think they will get to the Germans and be stopped.

Wake: If I’m right and Colombia places second, they’ll play Belgium in the round of 16 and barring injuries on the Waffles’ side, Belgium should eliminate Colombia. If I’m wrong and Colombia places first, I still see them losing to Germany in the quarterfinals. On the plus side, their new kits are gorgeous.

Don T: I see Colombia becoming the darlings of the tournament and riding convincing group wins into the semifinals. And if Los Cafeteros get Spain anytime, I’ll be 🔂🔂 the fuck outta this tune:

***

Vital Statistics

I was going to present the Miss Universe/ Miss World/ Miss Whatever of the year,  but in doing “research”, I discovered the Davalos Twins

GOOD.  GOD.

National Dish:

Like other Latin countries,  Colombian cuisine varies by region and there is no ONE national dish.  Instead,  I’ll present to you the most popular dish in Colombia: Bandeja Paisa

Tradionally, Bandeja paisa includes  beans,  white rice, chicharróncarne en polvo, chorizo, fried egg, ripe plantain, avocado and arepa.

If your mouth is not drooling by now,  you’re probably dead.

Editor’s Note: We have a World Cup Pool!! Please click the link here to sign up, or copy / paste:

https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=149105

The pool password is “Balls”

As always,  there will be a fabulous prize given to the winner.  Join today!!

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

What’s that bridge in the top image? Is that computer generated? Is that a video game? I’ve never seen that before.

Wakezilla

With how incredible Colombian women look, it’s incredible to see that Bandeja Paisa is the most popular dish and not something like, mango with pineapple and bannana.

I’d love to see these ladies eat Bandeja Paisa

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I’d prefer to watch them swallow something else.

Wakezilla

Kevin Roldan is a Colombian reggaeton singer that is beloved by a lot of lesser footy players. He has been invited and performed at several birthday parties of the likes of Ronaldo, James, Pique, etc.

Don T

J Balvin’s another another one. Here’s him with Cardi B and BAD BUNNY BABY

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Cardi B is the crack whore version of Nicki Minaj.

scotchnaut

Time is running out on the Canadian women’s soccer team. Looks like the German team, nicknamed “Die Womanclit” will put this one in the ‘W’ column.

Wakezilla

Die Womanclit sounds like the Republicans’ platform towards Planned Parenthood

scotchnaut

Certain financial interests in Africa have formed a SUPERPAC.

scotchnaut

Watching Canadian Women’s soccer-

The women are ranked 4th in the world. The men are ranked 79th.

Wakezilla

I’m still a little bitter with how badly the Canadian women played at the Women’s World Cup and how none of the star players could be found after they lost to England.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My takeaway from this preview?

William Murderface left Dethklok, permed and bleached his hair, moved to Colombia and took up Soccer.

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scotchnaut

My Take-

Dudes with unique looks in their 20’s/early 30’s do not age very well.

Wakezilla

Dude rolled with Escobar. It’s a miracle he’s still alive. It’s like Keith Richards, they’ve done so much blow that they’re high is going to keep them alive until it eventually wears off in another 80 years.

scotchnaut

Have you ever seen a blue jay beat an oriole to death? As of the 6th inning the score is 13-1.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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scotchnaut

she became bored and moved back to Canada

The words are in the correct order but the statement doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sorry, reply fail.
My disapproving look is supposed to go up there ^

Where I will now move it to.

Wakezilla

Miss Bikini Model is an interesting one, that’s for sure.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I got nothin’. I do feel like it would be nice to visit Colombia someday; I hope those crazy kids can make a go of things.