It’s shitty preseason ball and a couple of shitty teams are involved in this double-header. Call it “un-beautiful symmetry”, maybe? Whatever, my eyebulbs are gonna catch some action. One thing I’ve got an issue with is the fact that this is the first weekend that all teams are playing and there isn’t a single Sunday tilt. That ain’t make no sense at all. I know that we all have tons of beef with the NFL and many might say that this is petty nit-picking but it’s my nit-picking. It’s important to me!

[takes swig of Sleeman’s Original Draught]* Where was I? Right. Some of you Uber-degenerates might have a tendency to maybe, sorta, wanna, kinda post pics of the gloriousness that is the female form but are wanting for a theme. Well, I’ve got one but I’ve buried it deep within the game previews. If you’re very good at parsing, my subtle hints will send you in the proper direction. But in order to do that we must go… TO THE GAMES!

Falcs/Jetskis:

The ATL bounced back from the humiliation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy to post a 10-6 record and a playoff W. All the usual suspects are back, having been extended contract-wise. Fans of the team with obvious boners are explaining it away by claiming that rook wr Calvin Ridley is a thing. Thoughts of him teaming with Julio tends to alter the blood flow to just below the core. Hardcore followers of the team are looking at the war being engaged between Logan Paulsen and Eric Saubert at tight end for the right to back up starter Austin Hooper. Those tight ends, whew! No matter what Sam Darnold does/doesn’t do this evening, #thegreatoverreaction will spill into your media feeds. Remember that time Truth Biscuit had that above-average preseason game and pundits/fans went wild? Imagine that multiplied by a factor of New York. That’s a formula that every baby would spit up in a tiny heartbeat. Btw, Teddy Bridgewater 2.0 will be testing the outer limits of patella-specific medical technology tonight.

Lions/Raiders:

The Raiders players (with the exception of tight end Jared Cook) will be a mere backdrop to the sideline shenanigans of a certain Jon Gruden. Will he grimace maniacally? But of course. Will the announcers butter him the fuck up? He doesn’t have to do this. The stakes are so high for him! He’s risking his LEGACY! He’s risking his REPUTATION! Of course. As far as Detroit is concerned, it’s unlikely that Chubby McButterpants will play at qb so that means that the tight end conundrum takes center stage tonight. Eric Ebron was cut loose and Luke Willson and his extra L was brought in to a team much accustomed to them. His under-average play at Seattle should give 6’8″, 285 pound Levine Toilolo an opportunity to be more than just the most intimidating strip bar bouncer of all time.

Let’s get at it, shall we?

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