That’s My Raiders! Pocket Presence

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: Everybody Loves My Raiders [sic] is filmed in front of a live stereo [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The music of Dashboard Confessional blares throughout the house.  KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, munching from a big bag of potato chips.

— [door opens stealthily] —

AMARI COOPER:

KOLTON MILLER: [pulls out earplugs] Where have you been? I didn’t see you at all this weekend.

AMARI COOPER: [something inaudible]

KOLTON: WHAT?

AMARI COOPER: I said, very funny.  It’s loud in here.

KOLTON: [puts down chips] Sorry about that.

AMARI: No, I mean the music.

KOLTON: Oh, yeah, I’ve pretty much tuned it out by now.  [cocks head] You know, I think it’s even louder than it was this morning.

AMARI: Derek?

KOLTON: Of course.

AMARI: Someone needs to tell him that throwing the ball to someone wearing the same uniform as him doesn’t make him a conformist.

KOLTON: I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried.

— [door flies open] —

COACH GRUDEN: GODDAMNIT THIS PLACE STINKS. DID SOMEONE LET A SKUNK LOOSE IN HERE?

Cut to: MARTAVIUS BRYANT, overhearing from his room. He quietly moves to the window and opens it, then directs an oscillating fan towards it and powers it up.

Cut back to: Living Room.

COACH GRUDEN: WHERE IS THAT MOPING SACK OF SADNESS?

KOLTON: In his room, Coach.

COACH GRUDEN marches over to DEREK CARR’s bedroom door and pounds on it.

DEREK CARR’S VOICE: Go away!

COACH GRUDEN: ENOUGH MOPING DEREK WE’VE GOT WORK TO DO.

DEREK CARR’S VOICE: Leave me alone!

COACH GRUDEN: DEREK DALLAS CARR YOU GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL MARCH STRAIGHT OVER TO THE RUBY ROOM AND PAY THEM $200 TO PUT UP A FRAMED PICTURE OF YOU IN YOUR CHRISTMAS SWEATER BEHIND THE BAR, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? THE ONE WITH THE BIG LIPSTICK PRINT ON YOUR CHEEK FROM WHEN AUNT AMY CAUGHT YOU UNDER THE MISTLETOE? HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR LITTLE VAMPIRE FRIENDS ARE GONNA LIKE THAT?

— [bedroom door cracks open] —

DEREK CARR: [poking his head out] You wouldn’t do that.

COACH GRUDEN: YOU WANNA TRY ME, SON?  YOU AND ME WE’RE GONNA SIT DOWN AND GRIND SOME TAPE.

COACH GRUDEN holds out a DVD.

DEREK: I don’t wanna watch a movie about a bunch of stupid penguins.

COACH GRUDEN: YEAH WELL IF YOU WANNA PLAY AGAINST THE BRONCOS ON SUNDAY YOU’RE GONNA.

DEREK CARR grumpily comes out of his room and scowls at KOLTON MILLER as he joins him on the couch.  COACH GRUDEN puts the DVD into the player and then moves back behind the couch, pacing back and forth.

KOLTON: [sets down potato chips, picks up a bag of popcorn] Is it okay if I stick around for this? I like movies.

COACH GRUDEN: THAT’S FINE SON.  AND AMARI, I WANT YOU TO…[looks around]…WHERE THE HELL DID HE GO?

DEREK: Story of my life, man.

COACH GRUDEN: THAT’S ENOUGH SASS OUT OF YOU LET’S GET STARTED…

COACH GRUDEN: [wiping away a tear] I SURE DO LOVE THOSE WADDLING LITTLE BASTARDS.

DEREK: [still scowling]

COACH GRUDEN: DID YOU GET THE POINT, SON?

KOLTON: I think did, Coach.

COACH GRUDEN: NOT NOW KOLTON. DEREK DID YOU GET THE POINT?

DEREK: Sort of.

COACH GRUDEN: WELL THEN WHY DON’T YOU ENLIGHTEN US.

DEREK: All Mumble ever wanted was to be part of the in-group, just a lousy conformist like everyone else, living in their cookie-cutter penguin world.  But he was too unique and special and real and once he figured that out…

COACH GRUDEN: WHAT? FOR GOD’S SAKE, DEREK, THAT WASN’T IT AT ALL.  THE POINT IS THAT MUMBLE WAS PUTTING HIS OWN WANTS ABOVE THAT OF HIS TEAM. BUT THEN WHEN EVERYBODY GOT ON THE SAME PAGE THEY ALL ENDED UP WINNING.

KOLTON: I thought Lovelace was funny.

COACH GRUDEN: BUT THIS IS FINE, WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.  DEREK YOU WOULDN’T SAY YOU’RE VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW, RIGHT?

DEREK: [through gritted teeth] No I would not.

COACH GRUDEN: SO YOU DON’T HAVE A HAPPY FACE, RIGHT?

DEREK: [glares at him]

COACH GRUDEN: AND YOU DON’T HAVE HAPPY HANDS? OR HAPPY LEGS?

DEREK: [sees where this is going, groans]

COACH GRUDEN: SO WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE HAPPY FEET?

DEREK CARR gets up off the couch and heads towards his room.

COACH GRUDEN: I WANT SAD FEET, YOU HEAR ME DEREK? MISERABLE, MOPING, PATHETICALLY UNHAPPY FEET THAT STAY PLANTED IN THAT SOD AFTER YOUR SEVEN STEP DROP…

DEREK CARR slams his bedroom door.

KOLTON: Do you want me to do that too, Coach?

COACH GRUDEN: NO, SON, YOU GOTTA KEEP YOURS…ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, VON MILLER IS GONNA EAT YOUR ROOKIE BUTT FOR BREAKFAST. MAYBE JUST LIE DOWN AND HOPE HE TRIPS OVER YOU.

A beat of silence.

KOLTON: Coach, are we gonna win any games this year?

COACH GRUDEN: I HOPE SO, SON.  I SURE HOPE SO.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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Bogdanski
Bogdanski

The Ruby Room is the perfect local touch. As dark inside as Derek.

blaxabbath

“Uh, Coach, it’s Vampire Carr, per se.”

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Unlike the Raiders, this series is a winner

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

27-17 Donks win, plus a classic Gruden meltdown. I will bet an internet six-pack on it which is as valuable as thoughts and prayers.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also; this is some damn funny shit….. but may be closer to the actual interactions than people would care to admit.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Kolton Miller HAD to be named Kolton. The universe would be askew if he was named anything else.

SonOfSpam

…an upset Carr goes into his room to call his sponsor…somewhere out there, a phone rings

“Hello?”

– Jim Everett

Game Time Decision

i’m hoping Carr gets into some older Emo music.

Ian Scott McCormick

I’m really pissed we didn’t get to see the debut of my two new favorite Raiders: Future 2019 1st round pick (via Chi) and Future 2020 1st round pick (via Chi).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They will be picking a “can’t miss” outside pass rusher who is a phenomenal athlete and can single-handedly wreck and opponent’s offensive game plan.

LemonJello
LemonJello

A new season means no more re-runs! Awesome.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

KOLTON: Hey, has anyone seen Doug today?

COACH GRUDEN: CHECK THE COUCH CUSHIONS. I FOUND HIM IN THERE LAST WEEK.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

Adding Gruden to the mix really works.

Where the hell did Amari Cooper go?

SonOfSpam

He saw where the conversation was going and decided to drop it.

Beerguyrob

The “Ted Ginn Jr.” method.

Senor Weaselo

THIS DEREK CARR I CALL HIM FOX MCCLOUD IN SMASH BROS BECAUSE THAT AIN’T FALCO!
/Seemingly obligatory Wombo Combo joke

Beerguyrob

Most excellent. I can’t wait for the episode about Bruce Irvin and the ghost of Khalil Mack.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Glad the season of TMR! has started, looking forward to the next episode. Excellent as always RTD.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

[wiping away a tear]

Fridays making DFO content great again.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Emo Carr is the best Carr.

King Hippo

oh, just wait until Bradley Chubb goes past Turnstile Kolton and drives his kidneys into his rectum. He’ll really have issues with Happy Feet in the pocket after that chuh chuh.