Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Two, 2018

It’s 17 September, 2018.  Have you seen your placekicker’s psyche lately?

/also HAIL SHANK’LOR!!, Goddess Bless

Two weeks in, two Draws on the board, as we got a 29-29 scorigami in fat-ass cheese land.  Mason Crosby missed once (nice icing timeout, Mister Winkles!!), and rookie Daniel Carlson missed a few hundred times (including dead center from 35 at the gun in OT) for Minny-SEW-ta, to preserve parity atop the AFC North.  Really, Green Bay has no excuse for not putting this away in regulation, wasting yet another badass performance from A.A. Ron.

Poor #ThePauls.  They really had this fucker in hand.  It’s a team game, you win as a team, lose as a team, yada yada…but Cleveland lost because of their shitty kicker.  Period, end of.  And their idiot coach not trying to get closer, or even take a deep shot (like the one that tied the game before ZANE missed his 2nd consecutive extra point) before missing a 52-yarder at the death.  Bigger story?  The Saints are in real, deep trouble.  Bad, bad team.

Other story of the week – clear delineation of the New World Order.  Jacksonville completely defenestrated (sp?) the P*ts, 31-20, on the shoulders of a career day from BORT! (not a misprint).  By comparison, Tom Brady looked old, washed up, and clearly 2nd best.  Yes, it was weird.

In the NFC, your runaway bestest side is RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! who completely humiliated the hapless Cardinals, 34-0.  If anything, that scoreline is deceptively flattering to Birdcano.  Crazy Eyez Bradford couldn’t look shittier if he were shaving points, and Chosen Rosen didn’t even get garbage time duty.  This was an execution, and AZ seems intent to land the first or second overall pick.

Equally shittastic?  Your Buffalo Bills, not circling the wagons in a 31-20 loss where the Shitty Clippers basically quit playing at halftime.  I don’t believe AZ and BUF play this season, but if they did, The Shield would have to flex it to a Thursday night.

In particular, things are changing in the AFC.  A microcosm of this was evident in Yinzburgh, where Pat Mahomes carved up the “steel curtain” like so many yards of lace doilies, overcoming much questionable officiating en route to a 42-37 road victory.  As this column said at the time, the Chefs did the right (if “brave” by ridiculous media standards) things by jettisoning the predictable “one and done” Tiny Hands regime for the promise of something more in the young dude.  And it’s paying off in spades (NAWT Raycess) in 2018.  The Chefs will now run away with the AFC West, and fight the Bungles (???) for the 2nd bye in the AFC.  That’s right, the P*ts are now 4th wheel.

Sticking with the AFC West, mah Donks got a late comeback to beat Jon Gruden in a game they had no muthafuckin’ bidness winning (except that it was against THIS GUY Gruden).  Phillip Lindsay looks like the real deal, but the so-called new “Orange Crush?”  Not so much.  8-8 beckons.  Still, I will take it.  Fuck the Raiders!!

Proving that the TNF opener was no fluke, the Iggles herped and derped their way to a 27-21 loss to Team MRSA.  In response to the 2-0 start, fill-in QB BloodSugarFitzMagic went all pimp post-game, which has to be seen to be truly experienced/believed.

The Humps went into Landover and won 21-9.  Few were surprised, and few really cared.  Alex Smith completed many passes for scant few yards.  Knock me over with a feather.

In a match that RedZone showed maybe 5 plays of, the intrepid 500s lost to Yo Gabbo Gabbert’s Titanicos, 20-17.  That’s just sad.

The Dirty Birds dirty hit Cam Newton early, and held on to a 31-24 win in Megatron’s butthole.  A less appealing 2-0 side I cannot imagine.

The Jest had a surprising number of us (myself included) believing after last week’s demolition of the Fuck Lions.  So naturally they lose their home opener to the LOLfins.  Oh shit, that’s a less appealing 2-0 side!

Those very same Fuck Lions?  Finally came to life in Q4 in Santa Clara, but ’twas nae enough, falling 30-27 to those Fightin’ Tomsulas.  Denver was causing me to have unwanted fee-fees and I noticed very little of what actually happened here.  But Matt Stafford is deffo still fat.

I expected Dallas/Los Gigantes to be terrible, and it ain’t disappoint.  But Dallas was clearly the better side the whole way, and I turned off the teevee box when Zeke killed my money league fantasy team to make it 20-3 late.