Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Two, 2018

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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It’s 17 September, 2018.  Have you seen your placekicker’s psyche lately?

/also HAIL SHANK’LOR!!, Goddess Bless

Two weeks in, two Draws on the board, as we got a 29-29 scorigami in fat-ass cheese land.  Mason Crosby missed once (nice icing timeout, Mister Winkles!!), and rookie Daniel Carlson missed a few hundred times (including dead center from 35 at the gun in OT) for Minny-SEW-ta, to preserve parity atop the AFC North.  Really, Green Bay has no excuse for not putting this away in regulation, wasting yet another badass performance from A.A. Ron.

Poor #ThePauls.  They really had this fucker in hand.  It’s a team game, you win as a team, lose as a team, yada yada…but Cleveland lost because of their shitty kicker.  Period, end of.  And their idiot coach not trying to get closer, or even take a deep shot (like the one that tied the game before ZANE missed his 2nd consecutive extra point) before missing a 52-yarder at the death.  Bigger story?  The Saints are in real, deep trouble.  Bad, bad team.

Other story of the week – clear delineation of the New World Order.  Jacksonville completely defenestrated (sp?) the P*ts, 31-20, on the shoulders of a career day from BORT! (not a misprint).  By comparison, Tom Brady looked old, washed up, and clearly 2nd best.  Yes, it was weird.

In the NFC, your runaway bestest side is RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! who completely humiliated the hapless Cardinals, 34-0.  If anything, that scoreline is deceptively flattering to Birdcano.  Crazy Eyez Bradford couldn’t look shittier if he were shaving points, and Chosen Rosen didn’t even get garbage time duty.  This was an execution, and AZ seems intent to land the first or second overall pick.

Equally shittastic?  Your Buffalo Bills, not circling the wagons in a 31-20 loss where the Shitty Clippers basically quit playing at halftime.  I don’t believe AZ and BUF play this season, but if they did, The Shield would have to flex it to a Thursday night.

In particular, things are changing in the AFC.  A microcosm of this was evident in Yinzburgh, where Pat Mahomes carved up the “steel curtain” like so many yards of lace doilies, overcoming much questionable officiating en route to a 42-37 road victory.  As this column said at the time, the Chefs did the right (if “brave” by ridiculous media standards) things by jettisoning the predictable “one and done” Tiny Hands regime for the promise of something more in the young dude.  And it’s paying off in spades (NAWT Raycess) in 2018.  The Chefs will now run away with the AFC West, and fight the Bungles (???) for the 2nd bye in the AFC.  That’s right, the P*ts are now 4th wheel.

Sticking with the AFC West, mah Donks got a late comeback to beat Jon Gruden in a game they had no muthafuckin’ bidness winning (except that it was against THIS GUY Gruden).  Phillip Lindsay looks like the real deal, but the so-called new “Orange Crush?”  Not so much.  8-8 beckons.  Still, I will take it.  Fuck the Raiders!!

Proving that the TNF opener was no fluke, the Iggles herped and derped their way to a 27-21 loss to Team MRSA.  In response to the 2-0 start, fill-in QB BloodSugarFitzMagic went all pimp post-game, which has to be seen to be truly experienced/believed.

The Humps went into Landover and won 21-9.  Few were surprised, and few really cared.  Alex Smith completed many passes for scant few yards.  Knock me over with a feather.

In a match that RedZone showed maybe 5 plays of, the intrepid 500s lost to Yo Gabbo Gabbert’s Titanicos, 20-17.  That’s just sad.

The Dirty Birds dirty hit Cam Newton early, and held on to a 31-24 win in Megatron’s butthole.  A less appealing 2-0 side I cannot imagine.

The Jest had a surprising number of us (myself included) believing after last week’s demolition of the Fuck Lions.  So naturally they lose their home opener to the LOLfins.  Oh shit, that’s a less appealing 2-0 side!

Those very same Fuck Lions?  Finally came to life in Q4 in Santa Clara, but ’twas nae enough, falling 30-27 to those Fightin’ Tomsulas.  Denver was causing me to have unwanted fee-fees and I noticed very little of what actually happened here.  But Matt Stafford is deffo still fat.

I expected Dallas/Los Gigantes to be terrible, and it ain’t disappoint.  But Dallas was clearly the better side the whole way, and I turned off the teevee box when Zeke killed my money league fantasy team to make it 20-3 late.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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blaxabbath

This is a historically bad Cardinals team.

And that’s saying a lot considering the history of this shit franchise.

Sharkbait

Josh Gordon possibly going to the Patriots???

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SonOfSpam

#ThePauls just signed a rando kicker who made less than 70% of his field goals in college. I guess Dan Bailey’s holding out for a BirdMurderDome offer.

SonOfSpam

Atlanta’s not 2-0 unless you were on some pretty good shit a week ago Thursday.

LOL “unless”

I’m good with your “fuck the Raiders” take, however.

litre_cola

I could not pick out Pat Mahomes in a lineup. I saw the back of his head in a highlight and I figured he was an Irishman

theeWeeBabySeamus

Keyser Soze? Is that you?

Doktor Zymm

Chiefs/Steelers was definitely the best game I watched yesterday. Dallas/NYG was an excellent example of just how goddawful the NFC East is this year, we’re gonna be watching a lot of really, really bad prime time football.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Pro Tip: Don’t ask Vontae Davis to help you move. You’ll never see your stuff again.
(because he’ll get it halfway there and then quit, you see)

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

Sam Darnold still looked really good yesterday. My balls drop with delight listening to WFAN during the season.

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

And so do balls thrown to Terrelle Pryor!

ballsofsteelandfury

I always think if this when I see your username:
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Game Time Decision

Love that Fitzmagic was able to keep a straight face for so long in that interview.

Don T

😍
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

That’s a Harvard diploma at work

SonOfSpam

Wait…HE WENT TO HARVARD????

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I never watch sports news but I’m assuming from your comment that they mention Harvard in every other sentence about this guy. Wait til next week when he sucks again.

I GUESS HE DIDN’T PLAY BASKETBALL

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He needs to wear a top hat next time.

Ian Scott McCormick

At this point, Eli Manning only exists to create stupid looking gifs.

LemonJello
LemonJello

No. Olivia doesn’t let him have unsupervised computer time, ever since she caught him playing Fortnite.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For almost a month Eli was in a funk because all the other players kept talking about “fortnite” and he kept thinking he was missing out on a bunch of sleepovers.

Don T

Mike Vrabel showed guts in TEN’s win. But Gabbert—JesusChrist! RB Henry lined up in shotgun about 10 times, with Blaine at WR. That ain’t creativity, but reality. Gabb has no bidness being on the field.
I hope Kaep bankrupts the NFL.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Ooh, that reminds me, I need to find a stream of a Pittsburgh AM sports radio station. So I can hear how the loss is solely attributable to Tomlin and Bell. Great work as usual Hippo!

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll be listening to WEEI and jerking off to the point of dehydration today.

NAWT FAYUH!!! NAWT FAYUH!!!! TAWM IS A GOLDEN GAHD AND DID NAWT FUMBLE!!! NAWT FAYUH!!!

Oh yeah, just hook that shit right to my veins.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[rolls up with a length of rubber tubing]

“Sorry, just caught the last part. What’s on the menu, now?”

– Todd Marinovich

nomonkeyfun

“Aren’t I a more relevant reference, or will I always be number 2 in everything?”

-Ryan Leaf

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

I switched to WEEI, the takes on the Yinzer station I was listening too were too calm, the Pennsltucky contingent must have still been sleeping of their sterno and meth binge from yesterday.

But WEEI was a delight, and the stupid, it burned like a pasty Pats fan who after rolling around in poison ivy goes to the beach to tan.

Fronkenshteen

I love that the QB Elway has so desperately wanted for years is going to be terrorizing his division for at least a decade.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This really would be a wonderful time for me to truly stop caring about football, what with how much I hate the Chiefs and with how good Mahomes looks.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Mahomes is a machine.

ballsofsteelandfury

I hope blame is placed correctly for the Steelers’ horrible start. Bell doesn’t play defense.

Hell, at this point, no one is.