Los Angeles Rams. Kansas City Chefs. Miami LOLFins. One of these three is not like the other.
Yet all advanced to 3-0 this week, while the Minnesota Vikings got blown out at home by the historically bad Buffalo Bills. I still don’t know how to comprehend, nor describe how that happened. Captain Dingleberry made a few early boo-boos, Buffalo converted, then Minny basically stuck their head up their collective rectums the rest of the way. Despite all the warts, this is why we love the NFL – it is tension and drama at its purest, because when you think you have something, anything figured out – you get punched in the face like this.
One notices that Odd Week Jaguras is absent from the 3-0 list, despite it having been an odd week. I guess that is no longer a thing, as the offense that rattled New England to its core took a holiday this Sunday. Erotic Smashmouth was back in vogue down Nashville way, despite playing a little more than half the game with a QB that can’t really feel his throwing hand. 9-6 Los Titanticos. It weren’t pretty, but it counts all the same.
Revise my “it ain’t even close” as to the 2 best teams in the NFL. The top tier is 3, and it includes the Chefs. Yes, even with the Andy Reid factor. Pat Mahomes is the real deal, and perhaps the leading candidate (in a fair vote) for League MVP right now. This is a transformational, franchise-changing player. Kansas City may not have much of a defense, but who cares? As for the Tomsulas, Jeanine Garofolo shredded her knee, and the 2018 season along with it. CJ Cregg will no doubt delight us with post-game presser quips, but she’s nowhere near the same calibre QB.
Not since the introduction of the salary cap has the NFC had such a runaway bully-type favourite as RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! They are getting everyone’s best shot this go-round, and it makes no difference. If Pat Mahomes isn’t the best QB in the NFL, then Jared Goff (formerly dubbed Baby Buster by this very idiot scribe) surely is. The combination of Goff and OKC Bomber McVay has been the very definition of synergy. In the Battle FOAR LA, the Shitty Clippers never had a chance. Though kicking a FG inside the 10, down 15 with just 12 minutes to play – that certainly won’t help matters any. Learn some math, Anthony Lynn. It won’t turn you gay or anything.
Now, to that third wheel. Miami actually DID show some moxie today, stopping pre-Vegas on 4th and goal from like 3 inches out early (and already down 7-nil), then fighting from behind for like 3.5 quarters. That’s good! Of course, it was the fucking Raiders – even before you factor in the whole “West Coast side traveling for an early kickoff” factor. A legitimately good side…should take care of business. Miami surely fails the eye test. But those 3 wins are in the bank, and we shall all hope they make it four next week in Foxboro (conveniently disregarding the fee-fees of our resident P*ts fans, since I am bastard man).
Some old warriors are still out there fighting. Breesus Christ resurrected his Saints from the ded multiple times, sending them to OT at 37, then taking the ball downfield on a long, time-draining march to start OT for the game-winning TD. He still has some magic left, but the rest of that team is a mess. Salcap hell is a bitch, y’all. Unflavoured Vanilla Ice Milk Falcons wasted a bananacakes career day out of Matty Ice (and Calvin Ridley) at home, one they will likely live to regret later in the year. They really ought be 3-0, but 1-2 is what they is.
Give A.A. Ron credit. He’s leaving it all on the field. But he has less than zero help, and an idiot coach who left him on the worst pitch in the League in garbage time to take more abuse. Green Bay surely feels worse about their mathematically pleasing 1-1-1 than #ThePauls do. The less said about the Redacteds and Purple (Balls) Jesus the better. I’m mad enough by default.
Denver hung with the Ratbirds in Balmer for about 25 minutes of play, and if not for a block in the back on a blocked FG return…who knows? But special teams and turnovers aside, the Donks were kind of a mess on the road as expected, and the 27-14 Ravens win is about what I envisioned. 2-1 for each group.
That brings Balmer on Cincy’s heels, as the Striped Pylons couldn’t withstand injury troubles and a slew of turnovers in Charlotte, losing 31-21. As feared, Gio Bernard could nae carry the full load without an owie in place of Beatie Mixon. As Beatie goes (and his rehab seems to be going great, fellow ethically questionable fantasy owners), so do the Bungles. Force Red Rocket to pass, and woopsie-doodle. I still don’t think much of the Panthers, though. Very ordinary.
Humps/Iggles was just a sad, sad thing. Like a sofa cushion left out in the rain for a few days. Dakota Jeebus came back to much Philly rejoicing, but he was…pedestrian and kinda stupid. HODOR! did his “Alex Smith with less mobility” routine, closing with subbing out for Jacoby Brissett for the Hail Mary on the game’s final play. I imagine too much will be made of this, as Brissett’s mobility AND rocket arm make sense, especially for a super long throw (the ball was snapped from the Humps’ 47), and HODOR! wasn’t a super deep arm even before. But he’s been bad two weeks running, and folk gon’ talk.
Rarely will you see a less consequential, more forgettable 385 yard passing game than Deshaun Watson’s effort in a 27-22 home loss to the Gigantes (going from 15 to 22 with 1 second on the clock). I saw it on the ticker and was like “REALLY??” The 500s looked like ass, from start to finish, with Noo Yawk looking confident and composed, despite being 0-2 and having the ignominy of having just lost to fucking Dallas. Saquon Barkley just might have a future in this League, if I may boldly go out on a limb.
Speaking of Dallas, they went to Seattle and got their teeth kicked in. Zeke is a garbage time back, and DAK! has nobody to throw to and is thus regressing badly as he shuts down mentally. Their season ended with the Travis Frederick injury, we just didn’t know it for sure at the time. Perhaps the SeaTruthers can still at least be a shadow of their prior selves at home? We shall see with more data.
Arizona took Buffalo’s lead and ran out to a 14-nil head start, but fucked it all away – despite Truth Biscuit having an absolute nightmare game. Chosen Rosen finally got a change to play once Birdcano went behind (just under the 5 minute mark), but it was too late. 16-14, Bearistocrats!
Last and least, I have to watch the P*ts play the goddamned Lions?
Need I say more? Oh, okay. The Cuck Liouns very briefly became the Fuck Liouns, mainly by controlling the clock and forcing Dreamboat to throw to not-Gronk. You paying attention, rest of non-Jaguras (who can just punch them in the mouth) NFL?