Your “Today is the Day” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

“The day for what?”, you ask. It’s still too early to tell but I guarantee you something will happen and when it does we’ll both know. At that precise moment you’ll say, “Damnit scotch, you were right all along. I’d rather strangle my own mother than doubt you ever again!” I’ll just lean back, take a long hard draw on my Kool cigarette and say those magical three words that indicate that all is well in the world once again- “TO THE GAMES!”

Cincy/Atl:

Ridley me this statman-why does a rook wr with 3 games under his balls-protector have more TDs than his much more talented teammate has in the last 15 games? My Julio-than-thou take? Ridley is a burgeoning wr1 that is getting single coverage . T’were this to happen again today he’ll no doubt lengthen his 4-0 TD lead over Jones. Also, GO TEVIN!

TB/CHI:

Last I heard the Bucs were going to keep riding the Fitzmagic Bus all the way thru the Bears’ alimentary canal. GO MS. FRIZZLE!

Det/Dal:

Has Patricia The Stripper turned the Lions D around or was the stunning result last week only due to his intimate knowledge of how the Pats O works? If it’s the former than I look forward to the Cowjerks going into full panic mode when they are in possession of a 1-3 record.

Buff/GB:

Buffalo is t’udder squadoo coming off the massive upset. Despite fumbling 3 times rook qb Josh Allen inserted a wee bit of oxygen into the limp body of the Bills O. For his next trick he’ll try to make wr Benjamin relevant again. Just kidding, he’s very much prone to mistakes and will have a lousy stat line at game’s end.

Phi/Ten:

Rb Ajayi and his fractured back are a go this week. Makes me feel bad about that time I called in sick because I had a bad dream. (yeah, I had a waitress co-worker do just that-she was a bit loopy and more than just a little dramatic) There’s an indication that wr Jeffrey is a go today but I didn’t see where he was cleared for contact. If he does play I’m sure he’s on a limited snap count so don’t throw him into your lineup just yet. There, I just forced him to score a couple TDs and rack up 150 yards.

Hou/Indy:

You must think that de Watt is going to get to Luck at least a few times (Colts are down 2 starting o-line guys) before he breaks his ankleshoulder in an injury that is, in his words, “the worst injury anyone has ever suffered. Period.” Btw, start wr Fuller because the shaky Colts secondary will be all eyes on Hopkins.

Mia/NE:

I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me but I believe the Pats are eleventy-five and less than zero after a loss. The Fins are gonna be exposed as the worstest 3-0 team ever.

NYJ/Jax:

The Jets-now known as “The Browns Win-Givers” are coming off a loss much like the Jags. However one of these teams is not like the other and that latter team is gonna add another W to their record.

Time for you guys to have your fun…

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fleshwound_NPG

HAVARDCEPTION

It was a good run, BloodSugarFitzMagic

Spur

Zeke Down setup by a bullshit call. not a good look for the Refs.

Gratliff

They’re gonna start retroactively taking stats away from Fitz at this rate

Gratliff

Hm. The Titans game took a turn.

Spur

That is not a fucking penalty!!!!! really stupid call against the Lions.

Spur

I’m getting some nachos

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

score that shit, Gio!!

Redshirt

Now you’re showing off, Mr. Prophesier.

Redshirt

That’s a twist: a team self-destructing in the Bengals game and its not the Bengals.

Unsurprised

Wait a bit

Redshirt

I know, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

Gratliff

Smallwood is maybe not good at this whole pass protection thing

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Um, quarterbacks don’t block…” – Brett Favre

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sometimes dreams come true without getting your ass kicked.

Horatio Cornblower

One of my favorite lines ever

Rick: “Morty, try to get to the left nipple!”

Morty: “If you shut up I think I can get to both of them!”

Unsurprised

I picked up a pizza on the way home last night and the place is next door to a Ducks bar.

Holy shit. I got high just walking from the car to the pizza place and back because. you know. smoking isn’t permitted inside bars anymore because “It’s unhealthy.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Am I the only one worried about splinters?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So at this point do the Bears just tell Khalil Mack to just assault the quarterback on every single play and ignore anything else?

Spur

The Bears should bench Mack for rest of the game.

Spur

Good hold by Dallas.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

As expected; LOLphin arrive back at the mean.

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...

Am I still drunk?

fleshwound_NPG

nothing makes sense anymore in hellworld

Horatio Cornblower

If you have to ask…

Mother Puncher

This is just reality now

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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Gratliff

Holy shit, Bucs

...

I’m deeply confused by the fact the Bears would be looking at 4-0 if Rodgers didn’t go painkiller fueled Super Sayan in week one.

King Hippo

It’s called motherfucking prophecy

the Alpha and the Amoeba

It’s called The Bears Still Suck

fleshwound_NPG

You gotta unleash the Biscuit

LemonJello

There are Japanese fishermen that are uncomfortable with the Dolphin slaughter being shown on CBS right now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like everyone is still catching their breath after Gratliff’s home run.

Horatio Cornblower

Maybe we should just start a new thread.

Gratliff

You know it’s a good one when you struggle to type it out because you can’t stop laughing

Horatio Cornblower

Couldn’t decide whether to eat the left over pizza or the left over brisket for lunch.

So I put the brisket on the pizza and I AM A FUCKING GENIUS!!!

Unsurprised

o7

Redshirt

Bengals/Falcons O/U was 52.5 points. They’re at 42 and its not even halftime yet.

King Hippo

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAA! TANNY FANNNNNNNYYYYYY!!!! TANNY FANNY.

/and that’s NAWT Sony Michel. PRICKS.

fleshwound_NPG

stream died right before yet another biscuitdown, can’t keep up

bucs, what is wrong

...

How the fuck did the Bears score 3 TDs when I went out to move my car?

King Hippo

they scripted the entire gameplan today

Mother Puncher

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Petronel

LOLphins

Spur

Bears are getting all their fun in before hibernation.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This Buc-Bears game does not look like a battle between 2-1 teams.

Gratliff

JPP gonna start telling his teammates to eat that V

Fronkenshteen

BANNER

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a Shakespeare-level instance of high + low comedy. Brilliant.

Gratliff

Belichick was right about Butler

Petronel

People who call themselves Patriots fans booing a hurt McCain…dammit, there’s a joke in there somewhere but I just can’t tease it out.

LemonJello

They don’t consider those that fake injuries to be heroes?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy Biscuit

litre_cola

Touchdown Jordan Matthews? That sounds strange.

Spur

Booooo. Wentz ended the Tennessee fun.

Gratliff

One 97 yard drive later, I take back my previous statement about the game in Tennessee

LemonJello

So he’s both our new Internet Dad AND Supreme Overlord?

Mother Puncher

But goddamn, did you see how FAR he overthrew them? Pure potential.

LemonJello

3 penalties on one play, all on the P*triots!?! AT HOME!?!!! Gonna be a nasty call from NFL HQ to the officiating crew at half time for that one.

Petronel

Announcer: “Sounds like the Patriots were trying to get an unfair advantage on that play.”

WHO WOULD EVER THINK THAT?

Redshirt

A new crew will start the 2nd half. The other crew will be buried in an unmarked grave outside Boston.

Spur

A hurt Ross means more AJ Green targets, yes?

Redshirt

Yes, but less catches. Defense will angle more towards him.

Mother Puncher

Boyd’s going to drink your milkshake

Redshirt

If Boyd, Eifert and Bernard keeps doing good, they’ll start to play Green honest. Then your points you all will get.

litre_cola

Oh good, it is snowing. Climate change isn’t real. It totally should be snowing in September.

Gratliff

It was 35 when I woke up. It was 90 10 days ago.

Mother Puncher

Capitalists, buy land on the coast please and thank you.

LemonJello

Jeebus weeps. When did you move to the Himalayas?

Mother Puncher

Andy Dalton a straight up thot

King Hippo

He is my DFO-ball backup. Unplayable, because Mahomes-y is mah starter.

/still 1-2

Spur

Dak is putting the passes on target, the receivers are dropping them.

Redshirt

Ross caught a touchdown! He hurt himself doing it, of course, but he something good!

Gatoraids

Happy little accidents

King Hippo

John Ross hurts his wee-weeDOWN!!!

Spur

The League is funner when the Bears are good.

King Hippo

as prophecied

/I am the holder of Superb Owl champion tickets on all of RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, Jaguras, Chefs, and Bearistocrats. From back in the Spring.

//YES, those are the ONLY four

Fronkenshteen

Odds?

King Hippo

Chefs were 30-1, Bearistocrats! like 80 or 100-1. Jaguras maybe 20-1, RRRRRRRAM IT!! 12-1. IIRC.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even moreso when it’s at the Raiders expense.

Oh. I thought you said “funnier”.

Gratliff

Andy Dalton what