Your “It Might Be Me, It’s Probably You” Monday Night Football Open Thread

[sniffs the air]

It was definitely you.

Week 5 Fallout:

-Marquez Valdes-Scantling scored his very first NFL TD and a new fantasy god was born. (not you, Marquez)

-Keke Coutee also scored his very first TD, prompting older white guys to reference “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” for no reason that any other demographic can figure out.

-Gano/Crosby is the new yin/yang of the NFL.

-As a Giants fan, my interest in the top 5 draft prospects of 2019 has been piqued.

-te Ertz only has a single TD but is trending towards a.) a high volume fella and b.) 1400 frickin’ yards!

-a certain 2nd year qb passed a very difficult test with flying colours. Apparently he did his Mahomes-work.

-The Jerrah of course questioned the decision to punt on 4th down and 1. I guess Princeton math ain’t quite up to speed yet.

Is it that time? Yes, yes it is. TO THE GAME!

Was/NO:

The ‘Dacted’s are coming off the way-too-early bye at a white-hot 2-1. If they get another W under their belts they’ll be 1 1/2 games up on the rest of the dregs in the NFC East. One of the narratives that will be repeatedly bounced off your noggin tonight is that Adrian Peterson (the NFL’s very first switch-hitting running back) will be out for R-VENGE! The other thingy will be qb Breezy breaking the elder Manning’s total yards passing mark. If you were to calculate the record into miles (like the graphics department will inevitably do) you’ll find that it’s over 40 miles. That’s a figure that Jack Kerouac isn’t the least bit impressed by.

Have at it, champs.

 

 

 

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Senor WeaseloUnsurprisedMr. AyoCol. Duke LaCrossyeah right Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Holy shit. This is the kind of intensity that I wish you’d see and hear in English commentary (although, frankly, I could do without any commentary 99.99999999% of the time).

https://twitter.com/DarenStoltzfus/status/1049065062588198918

Senor Weaselo

You get to do “Gano lo ganó, so that’s a bonus.

Col. Duke LaCross

Not sure what criteria they’re using, but we have the #6 ranked group in the country in ESPN’s suicide challenge game.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Most stop after 1 miss. We apparently do not.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Just noticed that I am high scorer of week two weeks running in BOTH money league and DFO ball (my only 2 entries).

Then, I compared this to the state of my, you know, ACTUAL life.

Anyone needs me, I’ll be tying some sailor’s knots.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, I lost by 2 pts the past two weeks.

Funniest part, is had I left Brown in to start over Ridley, I’d have won this week. By .06 pts.

DAMN YOU LAST MINUTE SECOND GUESSINGNESS!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Hey all. Missed the game. Did anyone on ESPN tongue-bathe Breesus to an uncomfortable degree while they subjected us to repeated replays of a mic’d-up Brees telling his family how much he loved them?

Just kidding. I saw it all and am now in a diabetic coma.

Also, fantasy football is stupid, especially if you own a certain child-beating running back.

And, uh, hurry the fuck up Mueller.

Ok,. that’s it for now. Gonna make inappropriate comments on other people’s comments now.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I approve of this message.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I think I’ll go to bed early tonight, so that I’m sure to get up on time and not miss my fucking warm-ups because I don’t know when the goddamn play-off game starts!!!!

SonOfSpam

There’s only one game, so why wouldn’t it be 7:30 or 8:00 Depressing Coast Time?

Senor Weaselo

But seriously. What kind of breakdown in communication had to happen there?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Did Breesus just cure cancer or something?
Sure sounds like it.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, he can cure your cancer, but only if your first find three other people with cancer that you can sell the cure to, and then they have to each find three more people that the first three can sell the cure on. And then Brees gets 20% of all the sales, but the good news is that you get 5%.

I mean, that’s how pyramid schemes work, right?

SonOfSpam

Go to Egypt, get a buncha slaves, build a 3D triangle, profit, immortality. Why is that a bad thing?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

“I’d like to thank all my teammates for this honor like Darren Sh–pr-proles. Yeah, little Darren Sproles!”

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

1-3-1 in my money league. I hate Sean Payton so much

SonOfSpam

Why? Saints scored over 40, I’m sure Kamara got someth-

/gets curb-stomped by Sharkbait

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Michael Thomas, but yes.

SonOfSpam

Ah, sorry. This was his first not-spectacular game and that sucks.

King Hippo

he is the ultimate FF troll

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not surprisingly, Don_T overtook me tonight (no not like that you perverted assholes) and I now have a 3 game losing streak. And I’m starting to get kinda pissed off.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, the night’s not a total loss: I got my first FF win tonight.
/chugs Drano

SonOfSpam

What, don’t you like Brock Holt? He did his first cycle! Seems old to just be starting now, but whatevs. #himToo

Horatio Cornblower

“You think you’re a better fan than me? Prove it.”

Listen sweetheart, I’m not the one wearing a Rockies shirt while sitting in my bedroom that has a Cardinals pennant in it, so fuck off.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Uncle Ed used to say, “Never fuck a woman who has a Cardinal pennant in their bedroom because they’ll claim to give you the give the best head in baseball. I’ve gotten better dome from a chick who looked like Whitey Herzog in ’88. Also, St. Louis chicks leave barbecue sauce stains on your dick and call cum ‘provel cheese’.”

Horatio Cornblower

“Hey guy’s, Buddy’s here! ”
/sees empty absinthe bottles
“Oh fuck, somebody get the tranquilizer gun.”

King Hippo

poppers, dude

King Hippo

BFIB MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!

/u noe teh plaayoffs are lesser without us ,, smh

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Best Fellatio In Baseball

(Cardinals fans or Joe Buck? YOU DECIDE!)

King Hippo

ah COULD just go to nudie bar Maya ain’t work at? This seems FOOLPROOF as mah Lesser Footy system.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Sigh
[Goes to cabinet full of envelopes]
[Opens envelope marked “Hippo stripper love.”]
[Envelope empty except for note: “IOU 1 Emergency plan.”]
Ok fine just go.

King Hippo

good depressed crunken song

/also will let you know which tassel-titted lass replaces Maya on mah hope chest

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

No no, you’re supposed to finish on their chest!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wait, whut are we talking about again?

King Hippo

ah like how you think, despite your TAEKS on #BFIB:

Horatio Cornblower

Dear the sweet baby Jesus, the Yankees are pitching Austin Romine for the 9th.

Horatio Cornblower

So far a knuckleball and an 83 mph fastball.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

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King Hippo

why are you watching this when goddamned FOOTBAW is on anyway

Horatio Cornblower

Slurs-Saints isn’t exactly making me want to change the channel.

King Hippo

there’s a TAYSOM HILL consulting golden plates!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

16-1 vs 43-19

King Hippo

ratios make teh case plus FOOTBAW IS REAL SPORT