2018 Quotables – Week 13 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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So it turns out I have a sinus infection. Also, these meds have me all loopy so please see below for your Week 13 action.


Former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin contributes to a broadcast during Week 13.

Los Angeles Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers reacts to a play by the Pittsburgh Steelers.


Ne* En*land P*atriots quarterback Tom Brady reacts during a Week 13 NFL game.

 

Tennessee Titans kicker Ryan Succop practices during a game against the New York Jets.

LA Rams Johnny Hecker place holds during a game.

Andrew Luck throws pass out of bounds against the Jacksonville Jaguars.


The Atlanta Falcons return a fumble for a touchdown against the Ravens.

Tom Coughlin celebrates the Jaguars win.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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scotchnaut

*Coughlin’s “Shout At Clouds, Onion On Belt, Get Off My Lawn” parlay comes through.

Redshirt

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“MY CIALIS KICKED IN!”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Well of course I would sacrifice all of them if God asked me to. But, wait, what if He asked me NOT to?”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin contributes to a broadcast during Week 13.

I don’t see mountains of cocaine in that gif.

King Hippo

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Next? YOU!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I tried to tell everyone this is what would happen if they let women work as referees.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Clearly the “44” on his jersey does not refer to vertical leap.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“I haven’t seen someone look so oafish leaping out of the way of something thrown by a Colt since Mavis got bucked off by Buttercup and she almost landed on Pa!” – Carson Wentz

/I know Wentz isn’t *that* much of a hick, but I couldn’t think of anyone better off the top of my head.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Uhhhh… [Furiously searching on phone] DID YOU KNOW VIC BEASLEY USED TO PLAY BASKETBALL?!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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He was just showing up his evil alter-ego, Johnny Heckler.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Michael Irvin seen doing his best Zeke’s Girlfriend impression, followed immediately by his best NFL Independent Investigator impression.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Follow up, I hope someone locks Michael Irvin in a wooden box filled with fire ants and honey.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Tonight… You.”

King Hippo

damn it, you beat me to it (and got phrasing right)

Don T

/still laughing

Game Time Decision

/deleted bad joke

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

What a pro…
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Not only does he glare down receivers for not catching his own passes overthrown three rows into the crowd, he even does it to the opposing team players…

Enrico Pallazzo

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DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, MCLOVIN.

SonOfSpam

I don’t know what they teach at The U, but this is not what Malcolm Little looked like when he was shot.
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nomonkeyfun

Get your hand out of my pocket!

SonOfSpam

“Hope you’re ready for me after the game, son.”
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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More like Suck-DOWN, amirite?

SonOfSpam

“Hey Johnny…betcha 10 bucks you won’t do a ‘Patrick Bateman fucking’ impression during a field goal.”
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“Pay up, Z.”
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ten bucks is ten bucks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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THIS ATLANTA FALCONS DEFENSE I CALL THEM MY OLD PROCTOLOGIST BECAUSE THEY’RE BLOWING UP THAT BUTTHOLE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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These new Depends ads are too much, man

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Whose hand is that? The widow Richardson?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Tell that bitch Lucy I said what’s up.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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See what happens when they hide meth in the football?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I hate his O Face, too

–Mrs. Rivers

Game Time Decision

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That’s not how you call your shot
-Babe Ruth

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Tawmmy knew he wasn’t a “fackin queeah” but he couldn’t explain the light-headedness and tingles in his tummy away as all the dip spit and Four Lokos he’d consumed during the game. He knew, deep down, that his hero was winking at him, and him alone.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Hekker did his best to complete the Make-A-Wish kid’s unusual request to play “Pull My Finger” during the game, but Zuerlein refused to cooperate.

Horatio Cornblower

“The TB12 “diet”? Oh yeah, bro, totes legal, nothing to worry about!”
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/Winks knowingly

nomonkeyfun

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“Damn, that looks like a good playing surface.”

-Danny boy and Dan Rooney

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“This is the look I give Giselle when I want a little of the ‘old in-and-out.’ 70% of the time, it works every time.”

Horatio Cornblower

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“See? See!? No one wanted to believe me, but I told you years ago: that field is full of gremlins!”
-M. Sanchez

Horatio Cornblower

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Early Bird special is back at Golden Corral!!! Tommy’s eatin’ tonight!!!

LemonJello
LemonJello

*not available at all locations
“Awww, fiddlesticks.”
-A. Reid

Horatio Cornblower

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Guys

Game Time Decision

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Jeem, Haaay Jeem, there’s a “Brandon Beane” on the phone for you.
He wants you to fly up to Buffalo this week for a tryout.

Game Time Decision

* note this was made before Buffalo cut 2 WR

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Nice job, Charlie Brown.”
-Beau Brinkley

nomonkeyfun

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The Brady-bot can display human emotion, but it has only mastered schmuck.

Game Time Decision

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Gotta watch out for those sneaky kicking nets
-OBJ

Game Time Decision

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How you doin’

Game Time Decision

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Hands up, baby, hands up,
Gimme your heart, gimme, gimme your heart
Gimme gimme

nomonkeyfun

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“Ryan is trying to demonstrate an aptronym, however he forgot about the last syllable of his name..”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Damn, missed this when I commented

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Deep cut.

Game Time Decision

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This is what happens when the electrified chair no longer has any affect on the subject

nomonkeyfun

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“Matlock is back on TV!!!”

nomonkeyfun

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Johnny Hecker, seen imitating the opening credits from his favorite 80’s action show.

nomonkeyfun

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“If you open the scissors, like this they make a good slashing weapon, but if you close them…”

LemonJello
LemonJello

Nice.
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LemonJello
LemonJello

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An apt summary of the Jaguras season, in gif form.

Sharkbait

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How many did Cromarte have again?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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The patented “Ha ha. Made you look!” defense against the Bills kick block team.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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/under his breath
“You know she’s gonna ask you their names. ALL their names. Christ on a cracker, at this point, I’m not even sure how many kids we’ve had.”

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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Looks like Rivers is practicing his “gun slinger” stare for Red Dead Redemption 2, where god fearin’ people came out west to put the heathens in their place.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“This is one Eli taught me a while ago. He called it the Fort Night Roomba.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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” MOAR COCAINE! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCAINE!”