Your “Oh God, That’s Hilarious” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

• The headline really buries the lede: Jay Gruden: We didn’t have many plays for Mark Sanchez
  • Nowhere in the story does it point out that it was Jay Gruden who chose to have Mark Sanchez on his active roster. As noted by the master himself:
    •  “Well, we had more plays in our first preseason game with our third or fourth quarterback to be honest with you,” Gruden said.
  • They were Sanchez’s first in-game passes in two years.
• Oh, and the question was officially asked. The predictable response? Also predictable.

More Gruden on Kaepernick: "If this was Week 1 it would have been a greater possibility." He says Kaepernick's "skill set" is too different from their offense's to bring in this late in the season.

— Les Carpenter (@Lescarpenter) December 4, 2018

Just what the NFL needs right now, prime time Sanchize. Pathetic. Another team watchea any chance of the playoffs fade while running out 5th string QBs and pretending Kaepernick isnt a free agent. But claim Reuben Foster on waivers when he might never play. Bruce Allen, everyone

— Jason La Canfora (@JasonLaCanfora) December 4, 2018

• Forgetting to note the “glass houses” situation, Mark Chmura has opinions about Aaron Rodgers & getting a coach fired.
  • “Aaron, to me, looks like the prima donna basketball player in the NBA that wants his coach fired,” said the player who watched the QB that broke all his fingers get two coaches fired.

• ESPN reports that the NFL is looking at three incidents with Kareem Hunt in determining the length of time he will be suspended if & when he returns to the league.
  • Jerry Jones is “closely monitoring the situation“, because he wants to know if Zeke was an outlier or foreshadowing.
  • The things on the table are:
    • The February 2017 incident that blew everything up last week;
    • A June 2017 incident that they already knew about; and
    • a January 2017 incident that came to light after the weekend.

Finally, this exists:

It’s the Gruden salary countdown clock. It lets all remaining Raiders fans know exactly how much Jon Gruden is making while dismantling Oakland prior to moving to Vegas. It’s fun to see how many seconds it takes him to earn my hourly wage.

It’s a sad day for men who use lies to cover up for their inadequacies,

Emile Ratelband of The Netherlands, who looks like Ray Liotta & Peter King had a baby,

lost his case to have his age legally reduced from 69 to 49, in what is clearly the first attempt by someone to have their internet lies become real-life truths. His rationale for the attempt?

“We live in a time when you can change your name and change your gender. Why can’t I decide my own age?” he said. “If I’m 49, then I can buy a new house, drive a different car. I can take up more work,” he said. “When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position.”

Rather than simply telling him to fuck off, or make fun of the fact that he’s a 69 year-old man who just had his 8th kid after advertising for human Easy-Bake Ovens to put his batter into, the court heard his case and gave a detailed ruling outlining why he is unable to have those years removed from his life. The court agreed with him that age is part of a person’s identity. But unlike a person’s gender or name, which Mr Ratelband sought to draw comparisons to, it had further complications. “Rights and obligations are also attached to age… for example, the right to vote, the right to marry, the opportunity to drink alcohol and to drive a car,” the court said. In its judgement, the court said that granting the request would cause “all kinds of legal problems” by effectively erasing 20 years of events. It pondered what would happen to qualifications obtained in that time, or a driving licence issued, or a marriage solemnised.

The Washington Post had the best headline in response:

Tonight’s sports:

• NHL:
  • Bruins at Panthers – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • Leafs at Sabres – 7:30PM | NBCSN
    • only available in Toronto on Canadian TV.
      • FUCK YOU, SPORTSNET!
    • The Canucks, Jets, Flames, Leafs, and Sens vs. Habs are only regional games tonight.
  • Capitals at Vegas – 10:00PM | Sportsnet
• NBA:
  • Spurs at Jazz – 9:00PM | TSN / NBATV
• NCAA:
  • Oklahoma vs. Notre Dame – 7:00PM | ESPN
  • Providence at Boston College – 7:00PM | ESPN2
  • UTEP at Marquette – 8:30PM | FS1
  • West By-God Virginia vs. Florida – 9:00PM | ESPN
• WWE:
  • Smackdown Live – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
    • If you enjoy good sports Twitter, check out Becky Lynch, who is absolutely destroying Ronda Rousey every chance she gets.

Get out your Mom-jeans, because this was announced yesterday:

REUNION TOURS ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD!