Your “Oh God, That’s Hilarious” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL News:

  • The headline really buries the lede: Jay Gruden: We didn’t have many plays for Mark Sanchez
    • Nowhere in the story does it point out that it was Jay Gruden who chose to have Mark Sanchez on his active roster. As noted by the master himself:
      •  “Well, we had more plays in our first preseason game with our third or fourth quarterback to be honest with you,” Gruden said.
    • They were Sanchez’s first in-game passes in two years.
  • Oh, and the question was officially asked. The predictable response? Also predictable.

  • Forgetting to note the “glass houses” situation, Mark Chmura has opinions about Aaron Rodgers & getting a coach fired.
    • “Aaron, to me, looks like the prima donna basketball player in the NBA that wants his coach fired,” said the player who watched the QB that broke all his fingers get two coaches fired.
  • ESPN reports that the NFL is looking at three incidents with Kareem Hunt in determining the length of time he will be suspended if & when he returns to the league.
    • Jerry Jones is “closely monitoring the situation“, because he wants to know if Zeke was an outlier or foreshadowing.
    • The things on the table are:
      • The February 2017 incident that blew everything up last week;
      • A June 2017 incident that they already knew about; and
      • a January 2017 incident that came to light after the weekend.

Finally, this exists:

It’s the Gruden salary countdown clock. It lets all remaining Raiders fans know exactly how much Jon Gruden is making while dismantling Oakland prior to moving to Vegas. It’s fun to see how many seconds it takes him to earn my hourly wage.


It’s a sad day for men who use lies to cover up for their inadequacies,

Not me though, I’m a god. They all say so.

Emile Ratelband of The Netherlands, who looks like Ray Liotta & Peter King had a baby,

lost his case to have his age legally reduced from 69 to 49, in what is clearly the first attempt by someone to have their internet lies become real-life truths. His rationale for the attempt?

“We live in a time when you can change your name and change your gender. Why can’t I decide my own age?” he said. “If I’m 49, then I can buy a new house, drive a different car. I can take up more work,” he said. “When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position.”

Rather than simply telling him to fuck off, or make fun of the fact that he’s a 69 year-old man who just had his 8th kid after advertising for human Easy-Bake Ovens to put his batter into, the court heard his case and gave a detailed ruling outlining why he is unable to have those years removed from his life. The court agreed with him that age is part of a person’s identity. But unlike a person’s gender or name, which Mr Ratelband sought to draw comparisons to, it had further complications. “Rights and obligations are also attached to age… for example, the right to vote, the right to marry, the opportunity to drink alcohol and to drive a car,” the court said. In its judgement, the court said that granting the request would cause “all kinds of legal problems” by effectively erasing 20 years of events. It pondered what would happen to qualifications obtained in that time, or a driving licence issued, or a marriage solemnised.

The Washington Post had the best headline in response:


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Panthers – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Leafs at Sabres – 7:30PM | NBCSN
      • only available in Toronto on Canadian TV.
        • FUCK YOU, SPORTSNET!
      • The Canucks, Jets, Flames, Leafs, and Sens vs. Habs are only regional games tonight.
    • Capitals at Vegas – 10:00PM | Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • Spurs at Jazz – 9:00PM | TSN / NBATV
  • NCAA:
    • Oklahoma vs. Notre Dame – 7:00PM | ESPN
    • Providence at Boston College – 7:00PM | ESPN2
    • UTEP at Marquette – 8:30PM | FS1
    • West By-God Virginia vs. Florida – 9:00PM | ESPN
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown Live – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • If you enjoy good sports Twitter, check out Becky Lynch, who is absolutely destroying Ronda Rousey every chance she gets.

Get out your Mom-jeans, because this was announced yesterday:

REUNION TOURS ARE OFFICIALLY DEAD!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Ian Scott McCormicktheeWeeBabySeamusLow Commander of the Super Soldiersyeah rightWakezilla Recent comment authors
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Ian Scott McCormick

The Brooklyn Nets were beating Oklahoma City by 19 at one point.
You’re never going to believe how it ended.

Ian Scott McCormick

I think at a certain point I have to accept that they’re tanking. This is intentional. You can’t always be winning and in control and then lose like you’re the heel squad in a roller derby match. I’ll have more on this on Monday, but they did something at the end of the game that you only do if you do not actually want to win.

yeah right

And we officially have Christmas lights. DJ TAJ is the Christmas light master.
Seriously that guy spent 5 hours at least stringing lights.

December 4th and I’m still alive in the Little Drummer Boy Challenge.

It was touch and go at Rite Aid earlier but I exited unscathed.

How’s a man supposed to get bourbon this time of year?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I was hanging X-mas lights on our balcony not 20 minutes ago with Roommate Commander.

Me: [Securing first zip tie and letting go] Looks good to me! [Entire strand falls off the side of the balcony]

Wakezilla

CFL QB, Bo Levi Mitchell is going to tryout for the Minnesota Vikings. I could see him as a backup there. However, I was hoping he’d go with a Florida team so he could start.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

[Glances at AR-15 by the door]

–Lauren Tannehill

Wakezilla

“Don’t worry baby, there’s always more than one Quarterbacks on the field. They even have those on defense”

–Ryan Tannehill–

Wakezilla

Bush’s funeral was today? Blergh. Never forget that in 1992, ACT UP activists threw the ashes of their loved ones onto the White House lawn to protest H.W. Bush’s inaction on the AIDS epidemic.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

So they’re going to pour Bush’s ashes on the AIDS quilt?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
There will never be peace in the Middle East until those who celebrate Toyotathon acknowledge the legitimacy of Honda Days

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“We’re the Helpful Honda People. We’re here to HELP YOU DIE.”

Senor Weaselo

The way I see it there are two ways there will be peace in the Middle East. There’s the three-state solution, with Israel, Palestine, and the Independent City-State of Jerusalem. And then there’s the zero-state option where every human must die. Possibly even all life, just to be sure. For obvious reasons I prefer and hope for the former.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

That’s a decent arm drag

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m so glad the only thing I know about NFL anymore is from Quotables.

Redshirt

Scott Hanson exists outside of Redzone?! There goes my six day medically induced coma theory.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Obligatory:

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Until he gets another coaching job in a couple of months.

litre_cola

Would be great if he went to FSU.

WCS

Michigan

/Redshirt doubles over in pain

Redshirt

Oh. That…. Huh….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or…..

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Browns.

blaxabbath

It’s shocking to me that it has not come up that Flynn was one of the highest ranks in the Us Army — and he had no problem selling out the US in a heartbeat.

litre_cola

Don’t even get me started on his seahawks contract.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pew, pew!!

SonOfSpam

Peter Principle come to life.

Shockingly, there is no dick joke intended.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Director of an intelligence agency, too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

lol I thought I was at the end of RDR2 and now I’m a castaway. This game is fucking crazy.

SonOfSpam

What about C3PO?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

SonOfSpam

(Also, I REALLY want this game.)

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Better get that cough checked out, partner.

SonOfSpam

(On NBA Network) I love the “Nugenix” commercials featuring Frank Thomas (legit badass baseball man) where the MILFs at the gym are lusting over him. It’s really odd-stupid.

litre_cola

When at home I eat relatively healthy. I have been on the road for 2 days and my dinner both nights has been chicken wings and Guinness at the bar and then grabbing a corn dog on my way home.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Pie is good.

SonOfSpam

That pie looks moist.

litre_cola

WHY THE FUCK DOESN”T 711 HAVE PIE??????

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hot Pockets out by the dumpster.

litre_cola

And that is just the prostitutes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If it’s cold, the meth habit it over.

ballsofsteelandfury

Also within a block of the 7-11 in DTLA

ballsofsteelandfury

They do in LA.

litre_cola

Well Balls, I am in Shitsville Alberta not LA or we would be crushing beers while I marvel at your blue puffy coat.

SonOfSpam

If we were in Alberta, she would be torn the fuck up.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I need to redo that Archer macro.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

you spend that much time attached to some guy’s taint, he best be producing a ring ,, smh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Hey #31…”Ram It” was just a novelty song.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, his version of a “Wet Willie” is just different than yours, that’s all.

SonOfSpam

I just checked…the Spurs no longer have:

Robinson
Duncan
Parker
Ginobili
Kawhi

They are losing by 20+ at Utah in the first half.

King Hippo

them two observations may be related??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Did Dallas do a little “intelligence gathering”?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

What about this beast?
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Hacky Sack runner-up, Horvath Middle School 1993.

SonOfSpam

That’s someone’s fetal alcohol syndrome cousin. Don’t see him worrying Anthony Davis.

SonOfSpam

In the NHL (whatever that is), Calgary (wherever that is) beat Columbus (Italy?) three field goals to two.

Are there hockey over/unders that are 14.5?

King Hippo

perhaps some rules have been altered? I dunno, Ice Footbaw ain’t really a sport until playoffs

litre_cola

I live in Calgary. You are right to not know.

SonOfSpam

Look, I know you have a saddle and a dome and you stampede people, but that’s it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Better than Edmonton.”

litre_cola

As always Moose gets it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Has not been to Calgary, but Edmonton is……..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“And then his day got slightly worse.”

SonOfSpam

I like the Finding Nemo director’s cut.

King Hippo

I realize now that I could never be Jewish, simply because no way in fuck could I ever buy ANYONE 8 days worth of presents.

SonOfSpam

Buy one gift, tell ’em the oil ran out, and that you Israeli sorry.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

g-ddamn, that was funny

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also the guilt

King Hippo

oh, I hate and blame myself PLENTY to be a MoT

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ian Scott McCormick

Still looking for that apartment. I’m not dealing with a realtor who charges 15%, out of principle.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Realtors can get fucked.

Sorry, Duchess.

Ian Scott McCormick

We’re all trying to make a buck, but you had better find me a goddamn unicorn apartment if you think I’m paying you close to two months’ rent. A pretty good, or really good space isn’t cutting it. It needs to be really goddamn good, in a great neighborhood, within my budget, and there had better be a dishwasher.

King Hippo

Christ, that brings to mind what kind of nightmare it would be to PERMANENTLY be sans dishwasher. THUNDER FUCK living in New Jack. /imo godbless

SonOfSpam

In the Carolinas, you just gotta spit tobacky on a structure and it’s legally yours.

King Hippo

this also works with pee-pee, much as with kitty cats

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hi.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Heyyyyy, gurl.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have a ton of work to do and yet so much more to drink.

SonOfSpam

If you put off the work, it’s like job security for you. YOU’RE WELCOME.

SonOfSpam

The Flynn filing excerpt:

Mueller on Flynn: “Given the defendant’s substantial assistance and other considerations set
forth below, a sentence at the low end of the guideline range—including a sentence that does not impose a term of incarceration—is appropriate and warranted.”

LOL the ratfink motherfucker sang like a bird who’s also a bitch.

blaxabbath

I’d be fine with him getting gunned down in the street once his value as a canary is finished.

SonOfSpam

SHOOT HIM UP SHOOT HIM UP

SonOfSpam

The Gruden Salary Countdown Clock is magnificent. Like, Ambersons level magnificent.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The sooner I go cut my hair, the sooner it grows back and covers up the horrible job I have done butchering it. I better get to it.

Redshirt

And now, because no one asked for it (and because I had many emails asking to me stop, several emails begging me to stop, a few emails threatening me if I didn’t stop, and one rambling, drunkenly written email propositioning me while calling me “Jessica”), here is the latest installment of “Redshirt’s Adventures at Work”

Redshirt: “I’m waiting for several items to be reentered into the inventory system so I can move them over to the Unacceptable List in the system.”
Warehouse: “We can’t find them. You sure they exist?”
Redshirt: “Well, yes. I’m pretty certain the three people who spent the time filling out the Unacceptable Forms didn’t do it just for fun. Also, I’m fairly certain I didn’t confuse the items I put Unacceptable Labels on with voids of empty space.”
Warehouse: “Well why didn’t anyone tell us? You guys aren’t telling us when they’re bad.”
Redshirt: “Actually this is a follow up email to the email I sent on Thursday. That was a follow up to an email where I told you the 3rd item was just found as Unacceptable, while telling you the 2nd item was three days old and the 1st item was one weeks old. That was a follow up to an email where I told you the 2nd item was just found Unacceptable and the first item was three days old.”
Warehouse: “Well why didn’t anyone tell us about the first item?! You should’ve told us!”
Redshirt: “The first item was sitting next to your desk for just over week with a big red label that read ‘UNACCEPTABLE’.”
Warehouse: “Someone should have told us instead of putting it there.”

My coworkers in the warehouse checking their email messages:

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

How could you Jessica? I sent that in confidence!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, Peter King the “journalist” or Peter King the congressman?
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blaxabbath

We’ll know it’s PK the writer when he starts taking about small batch vodkas.

SonOfSpam

I think he’s the only Republican congressman who actually won this year. That must be a MISERABLE fucking corner of Iowa (even by Iowa standards).

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re thinking of Steve King. Peter King is a Long Islander.

SonOfSpam

You’re right. My bad. Got my pieces o’ shit congressmen mixed up.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Speaking of pieces of shit, don’t forget the nexus between Steve King and Devin Nunes: https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/amp23471864/devin-nunes-family-farm-iowa-california/?__twitter_impression=true

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Emile Ratelband, of the Netherlands, is going to Tinder for pussy, and he doesn’t realize that appearing to be rich and close to death is actually more attractive to the skanks one typically picks up on Tinder.

How the fuck does that happen?

ballsofsteelandfury

I bet you Emile Ratelband of The Netherlands doesn’t take Chantix like a pussy.