Your Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

More squadoos playing? You bet. TO THE GAMES!

Bengals/Chargers:

Cincy is likely to get stomped given that wr Green is done for the year and rb Mixon was limited in practice all week. On top of all that The Fecund One, Mr. P. Rivers, has placed yet another sperm bomb into Tiffany’s nether region. But perhaps this game catches the Bolts off guard, given the emotional win last week vs. Pitt and their upcoming battle with K.C.

Broncs/Niners:

The fellas that poor Nick Mullens had to lean on in the passing game go by the handles of Goodwin, Pettis and Kittles. That last guy is a tight end that has proved this year that he belongs but all I can think of is cat food when I read his name.

Eagles/Cowboys:

They came, they played, they caused people to boo uncontrollably. Philly’s running back trio of Adams, Clement and Smallwood have a collective average of 4.3 yards per carry so far this season. Each one brings a little something different to the game and it helps to keep opposing D’s a wee bit off balance. Though you wouldn’t call the Cowboys D a difference-maker they have played capably in that they’ve yet to give up 30 points in a game.

Steelers/Raiders:

Raiders have a mere 10 sacks so far this year so Ben should have all the time in the world for Brown and Smith-Schuster’s patterns to unfold. Quick! Name a player in the Raiders secondary. I thought so-if they did have someone of quality Gruden would have traded him by now.

Lions/Cards:

An inter-conference tilt that means nothing to no one.

Let’s get some soup!

 

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Spur

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

My father was so happy after the Giants first half he refused to watch the second because “it would be boring if they won, and deadly if they pissed away a 34-0 lead”

Gratliff

TINY DARREN

Gratliff

Fuck it. Go for it.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t like the result, but it was a good call. Even if they turned the ball over at mid-field it’s not like Dak wouldn’t have given it back to them by the 30.

Horatio Cornblower

Just turned the game on. So, is Dak still our future?

Mr. Ayo

Future dinner? Sure, why not.

King Hippo

he’s made the DERP mutually entertaining for the neutral, so…sure!

Romonobyl

Only if you’re into canned ham.

King Hippo

Emo Carr gon emo extra hard 2nite

Mr. Ayo

Seriously, he’s paid to throw a football. Despite all appearances.

King Hippo

must have had some mascara on his hands or sommet

Mr. Ayo

EMO FUMBLE!

King Hippo

/cuts self on sidelines listening to Charlotte Sometimes

Gratliff

Put in the call to Sanchez, Jerrah. You know you want to.

Unsurprised

Putting his team’s fate in the hands of a Mexican seems all too fitting.

Spur

I fucking hate football.

Unsurprised

Evergreen

Romonobyl

Is curling on anywhere? I feel like watching some curling right now.

Dunstan

Not that I know of, but NBC Sports is showing some sweet luge action right now.

King Hippo

Oops, I did it again! – DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK!!

Fronkenshteen

MVP.

Spur

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

George Michael deserves an Academy Award for pretending to be interested in a woman in “Last Christmas”

Brick Meathook

He’s looking at her shoes.

Fronkenshteen

They filled her pockets with meth and poppers.

King Hippo

as a young’un, I did sing this for him as Last Christmas, you gave me your butt

Spur

Zeke is at 6 yards per carry. He only has 14 carries. WTF

Fronkenshteen

Dak is a better running back. Next year he starts catching his own passes, too. Gotta get that coors light money!

King Hippo

wen u have a 2-score lead against a side that can’t break triple digits offensively, u have 2 establish the passing game obvs

Mr. Ayo

CHOSEN PICKERCEPTION

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

HOLY SHIT I HAVEN’T SEEN A KENYAN UPSET SO MANY PATRIOTS SINCE ELECTION DAY 2008

King Hippo

BANNER BANNER BANNER!!

...

I was working in a newsroom in a small red state market on that day and yes, some of them actually cried when he won.

Unsurprised

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It wasn’t the reporters since they can maintain a poker face (several of them were super conservative) but we had a lot of sales and administrative staff working extra hours to handle all the local vote returns and most of them were, uh, not very liberal lol

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Roommate Commander is continuing her Xmas assault on our living room, now complete with blaring Xmas carols.

“I’ve… got to go.”

Doktor Zymm

Sneak the Vandals Xmas album into the playlist

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I got her with the Bad Religion Xmas album last year, but I think she’s learned her lesson and is going off of Spotify and her phone is well in view.

King Hippo

I know I say this a lot…but start a fire or a series of fires

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Twisted Sister’s album is shockingly good.

JustStopDude

Gronk agreed to do that Tide Pods commercial as long as they let him eat as many of them as he wanted.

Doktor Zymm

The last tide pods commercial I saw featured a child lock. I would enjoy a commercial that was three minutes of gronk trying but failing to open one

Romonobyl

It’s only a matter of time before he finds a way to make it smokable.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Or spike it into oblivion

King Hippo

Again…Special Needs Division everyone should be wearing a special helmet

JustStopDude

How fucking hard is it to find an NFL kicker?

Mr. Ayo

Lord, is it I?

— Blair Walsh

Romonobyl

I take ONE MINUTE to go glaze the meatloaf, and THIS happens! I know, “glazing the meatloaf” is now my new euphemism for masturbation.

Redshirt

I thought we agreed on “basting the turkey”?

Romonobyl

Brining the tenderloin?

Redshirt

Hey, Cowboy defender? You don’t like their celebration? Don’t let them score next time.

...

The everyone 7-9 scenario relies on the Jags and Titans winning too many games so it’s probably not likely 🙁

Mr. Ayo

DAKDAKDAK! DAK!

Gratliff

RED ZONE ASSHOLES, WHY ARE YOU AT THE 50 WITH STEELERS

King Hippo

My personal theory is King Laserface insisted on procreating until he got a 2nd boy, in case the first is gay or a Demmycrat

Doktor Zymm

Spending too much time on/working for Facebook means I can still be ‘with it’ without having to spawn childrens. I totally know how to correctly use the phrase ‘weird flex, but ok’!

Fronkenshteen

Dak Prescott is a piece of shit glory boy who weaponizes his position in order to keep his running back down on the stat sheet and out of the end zone in order to earn more endorsements. No one can convince me otherwise. You will see. After one too many of these read option QB keepers inside the 5, Zeke is gonna start popping off in the media. Prescotts horseshit act is going to cost Dallas a playoff game, if not their playoff spot entirely. He sucks and will be exposed for what he is, which is every bit as self centered a player as Cam Newton and Odell Beckham. I hope he gets both his knees shredded. Fuck him.

Col. Duke LaCross

That’s weapons-grade hate there.

Doktor Zymm

I will give zero shits about anything Zeke says, ever. If Dak is fucking Zeke’s stats, good for him. We need fewer pieces of human shit on the leaderboards, and Zeke is exactly that.

Fronkenshteen

A fascinating opinion! You and I should team for a wacky fucking sitcom.

Doktor Zymm

It’s actually pretty weird that there hasn’t been a version of the odd couple where the oddness is driven by virulent dislike of different teams

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

It’s oppressive to require pants be part of the uni, good for him! Damn the man!

King Hippo

he’s HERE TO SEE TEH MAGIC!

Mr. Ayo

OH AND HE SEXY!

King Hippo

Did Russell get some magic fizzy water routed to The Ben that fast?

Fronkenshteen

They had to wait till the shot wore off enough.

Spur

Great hold by Dallas. Now give the ball to Zeke.

...

If everyone in the NFC East finishes 7-9, it looks like the Eagles win it.

King Hippo

then your Gigantes scenario is MOAR fun

...

It’s hard to choose because a four-way tie is so hard to get.

Doktor Zymm

Shitty NFC East game: ONLY FG REACTS ALLOWED

Mr. Ayo

Dakota Jesus is a false prophet. Repent, all ye battery tossers!

King Hippo

Said it once, I shall say again, Dakota Jeebus has THE WORST mechanics. THAT is why he misses so many easy passes.

Redshirt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHHyJsVIF6Q

Thanks for showing that, CBS. There’s no way they’d play in that weather today.

Spur

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Hmmm…
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Brick Meathook

QUIZ: One of these is an actual photo of me. Identify it and include all supporting calculations in your test booklet. You have 30 seconds.

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Redshirt

#3: You have no pants on.

Mr. Ayo

Me, Seamus, You, Elway

...

OH SHIT. What if they all finish 7-9?

Unsurprised

Jeff Fisher rises from the grave

...

THIS IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE SO I WANT IT

Spur

Go for it.

Gratliff

lol this fucking division

Mr. Ayo

How did these guys win the big one last year? Makes zero sense.

Dunstan

They were playing the Patriots. God was on their side.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve just ordered a beer which is 18% abv.

Tell my family I loved them

Redshirt

Why do you want us to lie for you?

Doktor Zymm

I guess I’m marginally rooting for the Eagles, although the idea of the Cowboys being horribly embarrassed in the playoffs does appeal

King Hippo

The Ben ded maybe? HARF!!

King Hippo

I mean, he’s in Oaktown today, he’d have to get super rapey even by The Ben standards

Mr. Ayo

HEAD OWIE

Gratliff

Did Ben get arrested during the half?

Spur

he went on a Taco run. he’ll be back

King Hippo

Chubb redux!!

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Is it wentz, or did the eagles wrs give up on this whole ‘routes’ thing?

...

The Giants somehow winning the division at 8-8 would be funny.

Doktor Zymm

Especially if they go on to beat the Pats in the SB again

...

This is, by my quick glance at the schedule, possible. The Texans and Colts are good enough to fuck up this race.

Spur

Eli is the best QB in the NFC East

Doktor Zymm

I will never cease to be amused by Pat fan hate for little ol’ eli

...

This should not be true.

Mr. Ayo

I can’t wait for his HOF induction.

King Hippo

Pey-Pey’s forced smile