Scared you, folks still in the Little Drummer Boy derby, didn’t I? I had to wander into a mall today and it is quite difficult conversing with sales clerks while you have cotton stuffed in your earholes. That’s right, I play to win. I hope the wife is happy with the XXXL pyjamas I bought her…
TO THE GAME!
Chargers/Chiefs:
Here we jizz! Ah… “Is”. Sorry. “Is”. A recent newcomer to the site by the name of Vlad The Impaler asked me the question, What exactly is at stake here? Well, Vladdy, quite a bit. For one thing, the naming rights to Riversbot 9.0. For another, the race to finish more than 10+ wins over the Raiders. This is serious business fellas.
I’m a simple man. While you nerds swallow your ‘next level’ stats like DVOA, WAR, Adjusted Jocks Per Possession, 5th Down Passes Defensed, Time of Possession by Evil Spirits and Missed Tackles by One-Handed Rookie Linebackers, I’m taking a hard look at Points Against and I see that the Bolters are only behind the Ravens, Texans and Titans at 270 in the AFC. It sure do look like Bosa (he wasn’t around for week 1’s 10 point loss) and Company need to find an answer to the equation that Mahomes and Friends have formulated. I say this because Rivers’ TD/Int ratio for his last 4 trips to Arrowhead are sitting at 2/6. “But”, you say, in that nasally voice that I can’t stand, “KC is down to their 3rd string tailback-what about that, Tide Pod for brains?” “Meh”, I reply, “the Chiefs O keeps running (get it?) on all cylinders no matter the circumstance. This is just a plug-in and play scenario”. [scrawls ‘one’ under my name on non-existent blackboard]
Lays Ketchup chips were at one time more ketchupier than they are now. You can’t prove me wrong.
This lack of Keenan Allen pointage is damaging to my semifinal chances.
rushing TD would be nice
Questionable defensive holding? Hail BLEERGH!
x2
First was a joke, second was legit.
I really like Simon Fletcher. No breaking his record.
White men can jump a little but they tend to stumble a lot.
It’s really a steaming pile of shite that Air Coryell wasn’t a first-ballot Hall of Famer. But Jerome Bettis is? Give me a fucking break.
Isn’t he from Detroit?
I heard he likes bowling. Does Coryell?
Two words my friend, Flex Seal. Shit will fix anything
garden tools falling apart? flex seal will fix that.
Front bumper falls off? flex seal will fix that
coworkers support trump? flex seal will fix that.
Shit, I bought a turkey and the missus forgot to defrost it, flex seal had the bird ready in 14 minutes.
deffo my gut following dairy
how the hell can a ball be in the air that long, and you still can’t defend it?
see comment below
So floaty
fucking Berry just needed to turn around
WRONG WILLIAMS TWIN FUCKOS
PLUG AND PLAY OFFENSE CARES NOT FOR YOUR PALTRY FANTASY FOOTBALL DESIRES!
who got preview mojo tonite? That sentient bottle of outer space Scotch!
Law of Averages states that if you throw 56 things against the wall, one or two might stick.
these Williams twins look much, much better than Ware
I know I say it every week, but the British audio feed on Amazon Prime is fucking awesome.
I started Damien against the Ghost of Shogun in the semifinals. In addition to Mahomes-y.
also NO PROMOTING MOTHERFUCKING MUSE on mah teevee box.
enjoy the go??
KC D trying to upgrade to an A.
Wow Antonio Gates Jr. looks just like his dad.
Gates looks like he’s put on a couple lbs.
he is like 58 years old
them floats seem even floatier compared to the magic show
Someone surely GIFed Rivers saying goddamn, right?
SOMEBODY is gonna get shit in the confessional this week…
That’s not a Hill or Kelcedown, boo.
Okay – that shit was ridiculous.
HOLY FUCKBALLS! Magic man back there.
No mention of the block in the back by KCto let the pass be thrown.
Mahomes is stupid good. That’s all.
goddamn, Mahomes-y!!
“Damn you Damien! That first run was a bad omen.”
-Gregory Peck
That pass floated more than Pamela Anderson doing the backstroke.
Well that’s a fine how-de-do.
Thus starts the Rovers glare down….
Joe Buck’s “beard” looks like it was combed with a fully loaded eyelash brush.
Erin Andrews slowly morphing into the Wicked Witch of the West. The biggest giveaway is that her production company is called “Flying Monkeys”.
Don’t let your peephole drill set off the fire alarm or else she’ll melt.
preview with yuk-yuks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoP4Hun9URU&feature=push-sd&attr_tag=4Ylc21q8D6ThQUF1%3A6
Fuck I love that guy. He’s the perfect intersection between smart and funny that Magary once was.
EXACTLY
I bought a nicely restomodded 1965 Impala SS this summer. I know it’s not an original idea, but the car’s name is Vlad.
You and my uncle Brian would get on like fire.
I’m Brian too! And so is my wife’s!
…like fire and a fatly stuffed bowl that is connected to a pipe that Josh Gordon is holding…
FTFY
[Terry Bradshaw throws a fish at Howie Long]
Long: “Christ Terry, this isn’t Seattle!”
Bradshaw: “Yeah I know.”
As they say, when in doubt, slap ‘em with a trout!
When the game gets dull, Top Chef is on.
I think I would prefer Chef on Top.
Bart the Murderer is on.
Ooh, even better, Cape Feare is at 8:30!
“A murderer comes to flavor town. A self-indulgent shithead must solve the crime.
-synopsis of the movie “Cape Fieri”
Joe Buck’s facial hair looks rather hobo-y…
[stabbing feeling intensifies]
Troy and Joe trying to pull off teh Butch Bikers look tonite.
Sitting in a pub. Just ordered food. Ask if they could turn one of the three big screens to tell game.
Told no. So until I can scarf down my food, I got BYU vs Stanford in women’s volleyball, the food Network, and I shit you not, a fucking infomercial.
This is what I get for trying a damn ritzy place for once in town.
The placed used to be a shithole Irish pub. It was my favorite haunt.
Now it’s a gastopub. It’s filled with a much different clientele.
I hope they did the Ritz crackers up really nice at the very least…
[showing on the 4th tv on a loop]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmvuRJzads4
Whatever a “reduction” is…it better be amazing. I suspect I just purchased a $20 appetizer,.
What the fuck do they even have TV’s for?
Apparently to make patrons angry and leave.
I feel like I am not sure much in a bar, but in an NPR talk show.
This is why Trump won….
Also, this would never happen if Congress would hurry up and pass Goodell’s Law so the NFL could preempt all other broadcasting at will.
http://www.daisyowl.com/comic_images/51.gif
By the way, the banner pic is what you get when you google “Young Joe Strummer “. In other words, little strummer boy.
So I basically had to disassemble my entire goddamned kitchen to get the microwave out so. Now I am waiting by the phone for the repair guy to tell me whether he’s going to get it done today, knowing that he probably won’t, and that when the Dr. Mrs. Deadly Esquire comes home she will (rightfully) complain about how much of a mess the kitchen is.
“If she went out for cigarettes quite some time ago, you needn’t worry that much about her coming back.”
-Joke Writer, 1970’s
The only plug-n-play thing Andy Reid is interested in:
I can’t wait to not watch this game
Because of your reference to XXXL pjs.
I went shopping with the future Mrs. Hammered in a clothing store and as she was going through the vast amount of dresses on sale, I thought I would help out. I kept seeing W next to the size on the tag, and was wondering what that indicated. As she was across the sales floor, I asked in a loud voice “Honey, what does the W mean? Wide?” As the herd of female shoppers looked up, she dropped the items she had selected, hurried across the sales floor, and quickly escorted me out of the store. When she got me outside, her only actions were to look at me intently, then say “Really?” in a questioning tone and made me go and sit in the car for the rest of the trip, where I read my book and listened to my radio stations, which is what I wanted to do in the first place.
She does not take me clothes shopping with her any more. Wonder why?
No wonder she was so embarrassed; confusing “Whale” for “Wide”…
You sir, are a genius.
The funny thing is I was actually curious. I had no idea, still don’t, but the results were better than if I had intentionally meant to get out of shopping.
I don’t believe that the Chiefs offense is plug-and-play at all. They run a lot of complicated fakes, there’s no way a third string guy is going to have all of that down pat in just a week.
His 4.1 yards per rush average on the season and 2 TD’s last week beg to differ.
♪♫♬
Go, you wrote them, ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup
A lot of dying knaves to feel, ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup
Your crappiest belongs they took, ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup
To take from the knave, ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup
ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup, ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup
So to spite the Antichrist, ap,-mup-ap-mup-mup
When they go
♪♫♬
I’m calling Rickroll rule over parody rule.