I’ve always said that, if you really want to know who you are, look at what products are advertised to you. Advertising is an over $200 billion per year industry and these dollars aren’t just thrown around fruitlessly. No sir, modern advertisements utilize pinpoint accuracy to hit a desired customer base. That’s right. When we all sit here and rip Bud Light Limerita commercials, I guarantee you someone is sipping on a refreshing BLL-ita as they type.

This is the beauty of advertising. No press is bad press and yet, somehow, this is the only boutique sports website that isn’t profitable enough to be picked up by Sports Illustrated. Do I blame DTZM? Well, maybe silently. But does it let us argue that we are pure of heart and untainted by things like pop up banners or autoplay videos of “Stephen A. thinks the Colts should have scored!” 

But it is this purity in the sense of, “he who is without sin shall cast the first stone” that allows [DFO] to provide unbiased analysis of the effectiveness of this season’s JV Bowl Game sponsorships. As such, please see below:

Sat, Dec 15: Autonation Cure Bowl
Tulane Green Wave (6-6) vs Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (7-6)

First off, check out those Tulane helmets! Now, according to the CDC, Louisiana ranks 41st among states in cancer death rate. Also, Autonation is basically the Capitol One of car dealerships so it makes a lot of sense that they’d want to put their name in front of two schools in a state with the 3rd worst credit ratings in the nation. Per CBS News, ” a majority of Louisiana residents (52.5 percent) have debts that are past due or in collections.”

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Payday Loan Stores/5.

Sat, Dec 15: New Mexico Bowl
North Texas Mean Green (9-3) vs Utah St Aggies (10-2)

Previously presented by clothing outfit, Gildan, the now sponsor-less New Mexico Bowl hosts Utahians and North Texasians in an attempt to show them the pleasures of The Land of Enchantment. Well, it’s not like anyone else will consider visiting ABQ so, for what they are working with, New Mexico is getting the best audience they can.

Sponsorship Rating: 1 Incomplete Trump Tower Moscow/5.

Sat, Dec 15: Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl
Fresno St Bulldogs (11-2) vs Arizona St Sun Devils(7-5)

How do I put this delicately? Okay, does everyone know that one douchebag who drives an eclipse and thinks it makes him all Too Fast Too Furious 7? Yeah, Mitsubishi absolutely nailed it with the Fresno State and ASU demographics that will travel to a Vegas first-weekend bowl game on this one. Looking forward to a lot of pregame conversations about how the Spyder is actually better than a 911 so…yeah…..

Sponsorship Rating: 5 PT Cruiser Soft Top Convertibles/5.

Sat, Dec 15: Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
Georgia Southern Eagles (9-3) vs Eastern Michigan Eagles (7-5)

Gun to my head, if you asked me to draw a camellia, this bowl game logo is pretty much the scribble I would come up with. Raycom Media, on the other hand, appears to own many a broadcast station with most of their density existing throughout Appalachia. So, for their ad bucks, it looks like they’re just looking to be as trusted as Breitbart or Infowars in a couple of major FAKE NEWS hubs. Good use of dollars spent, if somewhat unnecessary.

Sponsorship Rating: 4 Jacob Wohl Press Conferences/5

Sat, Dec 15: R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders (8-5) vs Appalachian State Mountaineers (10-2)

See? This is the sponsorship Raycom should have gone after. R+L Carriers, a major logistics company, appears to be banking on fans of these schools to come to their senses and leave their respective states for the civilized world. Sound like some young buck MBA is giving a little too much credit to the “economic anxiety” folks who will be tuning in to this game. Until Apple builds a confederate statue plant outside Memphis, there’s no business for R+L among this game’s fans.

Sponsorship Rating: 1.5 Kylie Jenner Pepsi Ads/5

Tue, Dec 18: Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl
Northern Illinois Huskies vs University of Alabama at Birmingham Blazers

I don’t know what Cheribundi is — and that’s after spending the last ten minutes looking it up on Google. From what I gather, it’s the latest superfood drink that you should be able to pound down and, if my budmaster’s advice is on point, pass a piss test. So is the target audience for this game Mark Sanchez? If so, then this is money well spent. If not, I don’t get the sponsorship. Of course Boca Ratonians are gonna be slamming cherry juice — it’s surely disgusting. But the fine people of Birmingham and DeKalb being at all about self-improvement? There’s a reason they’re alumni of NIU/UAB rather than UI/Bama.

Sponsorship Rating: 2 Years of Actually Having a Standing Football Program/5.

Wed, Dec 19: DXL Frisco Bowl
San Diego State University Aztecs vs Ohio University Bobcats

I didn’t know what the Frisco Bowl was until just now. I figured it was like San Francisco because and the sponsorship made sense because DXL is a clothing store and so like, yeah, urban and fashion go together. Well, that’s completely wrong. Frisco, TX is where the game is located. Another fun fact, ESPN owns this bowl game. So a big and tall clothing store putting their name on a Texas bowl game featuring two quite unremarkable JV programs. None of this even makes sense.

Sponsorship Rating: 1 Men’s Moo Moo/5.

Thu, Dec 20: Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Marshall Thundering Herd vs South Florida Bulls

Every year I have to look up what Gasparilla is and every year I think I get it but then know I don’t and then it doesn’t matter anyways. Fortunately, we all know what a mower is and we also know the iconic Bad Bay brand.

Point is this — the coach of the Herd is Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday, West Virginia, Floridians, Lawn Mowers. It doesn’t take a Sill Bimmons B-School seminar to know this is the kind of successful advertising synergy that can otherwise only be found between illegal coordination between the Kremlin, the NRA, and the Trump campaign.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Paid Off Mistresses/5.

Fri, Dec 21: Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl
Florida International University Panthers vs University of Toledo Rockets

You know it’s a successful ad buy when I gotta explain it to you. So Maker’s Wanted is the slogan used by the Elk Grove Village Technology Park outside of Chicago. And they used the slogan as the title for a bowl game in the Bahamas because…..why now? Look, I’m no business expert but I’ll tell you this, if the costs associated with these naming rights are not incurred for the single use of making for a major tax write-off, then that entire business park should be shut down. Instead, I’m assuming this buy is just another vehicle for US companies to stash cash in offshore tax havens, as is strongly encouraged in the big tax cut bill (not to be confused, of course, with the surely-coming-any-minute-now big middle class tax cut legislation that was promised just before the midterms.) 

Sponsorship Rating: 5 2009 GM Common Stock/5.

Fri, Dec 21: Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Western Michigan Broncos vs Brigham Young University Cougars

Per the Idaho Potato Council, 72% of Americans prefer Idaho potatoes over spuds from any other state in the union. So, of course, keeping naming rights of the bowl played at Boise State’s stadium makes sense from a hometown standpoint. But the brilliance, in my pseudo-Rovellian opinion, is that potatoes are also staples to the consumption habits of both participating fan bases. Western Michiganers, of course, using potatoes to distill up some quality moonshine to get them through those harsh Midwest winters. And BYU fans, on the other hand, using ground potatoes as the strongest spice available in their holiday cooking repertoire.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 White People Only Signs/5

Sat, Dec 22: Jared Birmingham Bowl
Memphis Tigers vs Wake Forrest Demon Decans

Tennessee and North Carolina are 14th and 15th in national divorce rankings so I get the Jared sponsorship. Additionally, the 12/22 airing of the game is perfect for setting up viewers to be last-second shopping suckers, which I assume is the Jared’s angle. All in all, a very strong sponsorship move by The Galleria of Jewelers. One must wonder, however, just what the hell Papa John’s was doing not reclaiming naming rights to this game considering their further shift to the alt-right this past year. I mean — we’re talking about North Carolina, Tennessee, and Alabama here. The only more perfect sponsor for this game would be Infowars.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Open Hearts Collection Necklaces/5.

Sat, Dec 22: Lockheed Martin Armed Services Bowl
Houston Cougars vs Army Michael Flynns

Much like the Idaho Potato Bowl, the LMASB is just a local jerkoff fest that harkens us back to a simpler time when Florida meant Oranges, Los Angeles meant Roses, and El Paso meant Sun. There is no marketing to these fan bases because they’re both already fans of the Trump War Machine. Instead, I can only say that Houston better beat the snot out of Army private-sector style.

Sponsorship Rating: 0 Visits to Troops in Combat/5

 
Sat, Dec 22: Dollar General Bowl
Buffalo Bulls vs Troy Trojans

What’s more Dollar General than basically naming your mascot a synonym of your school? Look, the Troy fan base is the obvious draw as I’m sure that’s a heavy Family Dollar contingent. Buffalo? Well, this is where the joke about Bills Mafia tailgate activities fits. Does Dollar General sell collapsible tables? If so, this is a home run sponsorship. If not, well then props to this bowl game for snagging a 10-win opponent to come play yet-another Alabama-based home bowl game.

Sponsorship Rating: 2 Open Bottles of Shampoo/5

Sat, Dec 22: SoFi Hawaii Bowl
Louisiana Tech Bulldogs vs Hawaii Rainbow Warriors

I had to look it up but I guess SoFi is like a money business that isn’t a bank. Loans, mortgages, financial planning — they do all that stuff. Now look, when you sponsor the Hawaii Bowl, you’re mostly advertising to the locals. I get that. But then you’re going to waste your remaining goodwill broadcasting your company to the good folk of Rushton, LA? While seemingly not the home of America’s next big wealth management market, I suppose this whole operation will pay for itself if the big wigs at SoFi can get a couple alumni mai tais in ol’ Terry Bradshaw and steal that portfolio.

Sponsorship Rating: 1.5 points of stock market growth over the past 12 months/5