JV NFL – Prelude Exhibitions and Raging Semi Open Thread

I fell asleep watching the West By God Virginia self-cousin-fucking last night.  No worries, I caught Wazzu (who I mostly bet ML at -140, thankfully) eking it out from 3-5am compressed.  Yeah, that’s an old trick from when my oldest was an insomniac baby.

Today’s fun:

Florida (+5.5) v. Meeechigan, No Homoes Chikin Bowl (Atlanta, GA – Noon, ESPN)

Yes, they put Peach back in the official title, but I mock them anyway.  I trust the Gators to be even shittier than the Wolverine backups, but don’t have any bets on it.

Virginia (+4.5) v. South Carolina, Dying Redneck Town Department Store Bowl (Charlotte, NC – Noon, ABC)

My system says to fade both the ACC Coastal (except Duke) and SEC Paaawwwwwlll East, so I am at a loss.  But Wahoowa has been pretty good as an underdog this year.  May throw a $50 down.

Arkansas State (+2) v. Nevada, Martin Luther Tha’ King Bowl (Tucson, AZ – 1:15, CBSSN)

Because AZ legislators would want it that way, obvs.  This is notable only for the Lesser Wolf Pack aspect (and yeah, they spell it as two words, weirdos).  Don’t watch this.

Notre Dame (+13) v. Clemson, Raging Semi #1 (Arlington, TX – 4:00, ESPN)

Now, the real fun starts!  I am more than a little surprised at the heavy spread, given that SO MUCH of the Tiggers’ dominance can be attributed to their fearsome DL, how missing its best player.  Hmmmmmm.  Still, I hate both these sides mercilessly and equally.  Get fucked, dickasses.

Oklahoma (+14) v. Alabama, Raging Semi #2 (Miami, FL – 8:00, ESPN)

This also seems kind of high, though betting against Roll Damn Tide is a fool’s errand.  Still, UGA showed some exploitable weakness…so an upset can’t be ruled out.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Fronkenshteen

Eddie Izzard: Gluttonous

Fronkenshteen

Fumble

JustStopDude
herodotus450

Ark St. and Nevada saw that 12 interception game the other day and thought, “we can do better.” 7-3 in the fourth quarter, 5 total ints

Brick Meathook

You what I’ve never understood? Hatred for certain sports teams. Why the hate? Is it that important? It’s just a sports team. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel hatred. Hate has no place in my life. I don’t hate anything, except maybe for this one guy I work with and boy I’d like to saw that motherfucker’s head right off, but that’s a rare exception. God bless.

herodotus450

Because they’re different from us!
/And more successful…

scotchnaut

I hate people that don’t feel hate! I tend to knife them in their major arteries.

Horatio Cornblower

For that last damn time, hobos don’t feel anything because of all the sterno-booze in their systems.

Spur

I want Dame to get this. I sick of watching Clemson vs Satan.

Fronkenshteen

Me too. My brother went to ND, and his oldest son is a freshman there now. I just want them to be happy.

Horatio Cornblower

Off to the gym. I’ll watch the start of this one from the elliptical while sweating like a pig and making weird noises until someone comes over and helps me actually start the machine.

It’ll be downhill from there.

Fronkenshteen

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Game Time Decision

Don’t forget to stretch

Spur

Folks

Fronkenshteen

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Fronkenshteen

OU/Bama has an over/under of 80?! Did Saban forget how to coach defense?

Mr. Ayo

Alright, let’s get to the blowouts that matter!

Redshirt

I’m stuck at work. Is Michigan shitting the bed as gloriously as the score indicates?

JustStopDude

Harbaugh…more like “Har-GONE”…

herodotus450

Floriada winning: that’s bad.
Michigan losing: that’s good!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I give Gators one point in their favor in my mind because Gainesville is the home of Tom Petty and most of the Heartbreakers.

Horatio Cornblower

I dunno, maybe lay off “Hail to the Victors” when you’re down 34-15 with less than 5 minutes to go in the game.

scotchnaut

ZACCHEHAUS!!!*

*might be spelled wrong

Horatio Cornblower

Watching some World Cup skiing, and the only thing I’ve seen go downhill faster this afternoon was Arsenal.

Horatio Cornblower

Brian Kelly is the Coach of the Year, and they say you can’t get ahead by murdering student assistants.

Unsurprised
ballsofsteelandfury

Swoon…

Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Horatio Cornblower

$5 million is a rounding error to Giselle.

Unsurprised

Hopefully it’ll cause him to yell at his teammates, and they’ll respond with the kindness and understanding professional athletes are known to give showboating dickheads.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

The ad trackers have a sense of humor to have this on the page for the above gif (stupid gfycat making me turn off my adblockers just to get the gif URLs.)
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ArmedandHammered

Even better if she uses the dildo she named Big Nick.

Unsurprised

Eli has to be bigger though. You know … God taketh and God giveth. I don’t want to spell out the joke.

Unsurprised

Which, ironically, is what we’d do to make sure Eli didn’t get the joke.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I haven’t seen South Carolina get pounded this hard since April of 1861.

Brick Meathook

I think you mean February of 1865. When General Sherman was done “making Georgia howl” he pretty much shoved a cannon barrel right up South Carolina’s ass.

Unsurprised

Not far enough. Strom Thurmond was still born shortly thereafter.

Unsurprised

I wish I had tripped and crushed him that one time when I had the chance.

herodotus450

Are there two conventionally-attractive-brunette-media-personality-Allison-Williams’s?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Speaking of “butt stuff”….

Was I the only one expecting a “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” reference in teh Chik-Fil-A Army/Navy game commercial just now?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, I’m bored. Let’s see who facebook wants me to become friends with today and see if….

OH MY GOD KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!

litre_cola

Better than nazi Australians…

Brick Meathook

Pat Sajak?

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL….she finally got smart and blocked me on Google+.

But not before I alerted both the Aussie Federal Police and the NSW Bar Association about her death threats against me.

scotchnaut

I would put ‘eating a Filet-o-Fish sandwich’ in the exact same category as cheering for Notre Dame. Never.

litre_cola

I have a buddy who loves Filet O fish sammys. Calls them the most underrated fast food in Canadia.

scotchnaut

Guy must love a mystery because that’s what’s in that sang-gich.*

*how my kid pronounced it when he was a toddler

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL. My niece used to call bananas “Niminis”.
To this day, it’s our “safe password” I have to give when I pick her up from school.

Kids are stupid.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You obviously don’t know many Clemson fans.

theeWeeBabySeamus

For clarification purposes, most of them need a Filet-o-Fish forcibly placed in their rectal orifices.

scotchnaut

I’ve just imagined some tartar sauce squirted on their faces as well. You’re welcome.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yikes, that reminds me of an old lesbian joke. And when I say “old lesbian joke”, I mean both the joke is old, as are the lesbians in the joke.

Imma shut up now I think.

JustStopDude

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Oh that poor…dead…kicker…

scotchnaut

This gif is sponsored by $10 khakis from Walmart.

scotchnaut

Best inter-sport coaching matchup I’d like to see? First one to bust a blood vessel wins.

Harbaugh vs. Frank Martin

Unsurprised

The real winner is America.

JustStopDude

If I was John Harbaugh, I would have to bring up all the time that I had a superbowl win over my brother.

But I would give him credit that we both have the same number of NCAA championships.

JustStopDude

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Unsurprised

Does this appear as a static jpeg to anyone else unless I open it in a new tab?

herodotus450

So a bunch of Clem-zon players got busted for steriods? So that means they have to vacate the season, right? Because they were actively cheating in a way to directly impact the outcomes of those games? No? Oh, ok.

JustStopDude

Next you will be wanting them to go to classes…

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have U*NC’s attention.

blaxabbath

It’s not like traded gifted gear for a tattoo.

scotchnaut

I remember that-Herve Villechaize was really pissed!

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK come on ppl….that was funny!!!!!!

herodotus450

Not even a tattoo, a discount on a tattoo.

scotchnaut

To be fair, it was completely legal until they got caught.

scotchnaut

Florida/Mich. isn’t unwatchable…

/Gators up 13-10

JustStopDude

I’m gonna need a couple of more double negatives before I draw any conclusion…

scotchnaut

I aren’t incapable of doing that.

scotchnaut

Coppin St. is beating Notre Dame in basketball. Foreshadowing?

scotchnaut

Did you toss a 50 their way?

scotchnaut

Hippo, does this Zaccheaus character have a pro future?

scotchnaut

I was thinking the same thing. Betcha the fucking Pats draft him.

scotchnaut

Giants need a little bit of everything. What I like about this guy is that he doesn’t look like he’s lean, meaning he won’t get knocked around by defenders despite his size.

Gratliff

RIDICULOUS! What next? Frank Castle fighting the police? comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

😀

blaxabbath

I still don’t trust him.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can we bet on that?

– Art Schlichter

blaxabbath

“Hey! Us Nazis are people too!

Unlike brown kids.”

– B. O’Kavanaugh

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ginger Franks.

Sounds like a really bad hot dog.

scotchnaut

Coors Light just showed an ad with a black guy and a white girl talking to each other in a bar. I can’t see the Busch family signing off on that.

scotchnaut

“I give the first hour and a half of Get Out 9/10 ‘The South Will Rise Again’s'”

-J.B.S., Lickspittle, AL

scotchnaut

The real “Grand-daddy of them all”?

Genghis Khan

theeWeeBabySeamus

DAMMIT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A ‘GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL JOKE” AND YOURS IS FUNNIER.

You suck.

/deletes bad joke

scotchnaut

I owe it all to scotch and beer and wine and vodka. Yay, Team!

scotchnaut

I can’t think of a single circumstance under which I would cheer for Notre Dame. Clemson it is.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Someone needs to tell that stupid kid in that commercial that she’s not allowed to jump across the line while shooting free throws.

theeWeeBabySeamus

But nicer than what I just said, I guess.

blaxabbath

She?

Someone needs to explain the difference between sports for boys and the kitchen.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey oh!!!!

scotchnaut

Stupid Wolverines put their strong safety on Florida’s #1 wr. Long gain ensues…

scotchnaut

I might have a new fave player.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who on God’s green earth watches every bowl game?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bookies don’t watch this much meaningless football

theeWeeBabySeamus

They don’t have to. They collect no matter who wins.

scotchnaut

MY EYEBULBS MUST BE SATED!

/besides, baby it’s cold outside

scotchnaut

That Zaccheaous dude for Virginny is one helluva speedster.

blaxabbath

Fiesta Bowl Parade broadcast just interviewed Grand Marshall Mike Bidwill. After the little back and forth, we get: “Now I’ve got to ask you the tough question…..IS FITZ COMING BACK?!”

Fuck you, 3TV.

scotchnaut

I was curious as to what a ‘Belk’ is…

theeWeeBabySeamus

No Homoes Chikin Bowl

This made me laugh.

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